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Can anyone tell me if I'm codependent?
March 18, 2004
9:59 pm
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Magnum4007
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In Septempber of 2002, I got my first really serious girlfriend. We fell in love very quickly and began to build a relationship. There were a few hurdles along the way, but we made it through, until she began to pay a lot of attention to one of her male friends. In fact, I later found out that my girlfriend had liked this guy very much, but had gotten over it (this had all happened in may of 2003). By July, she had had enough, and dumped me. I was crushed to say the least. But with the help of a very good friend I recovered, got some new hobbies, and started to be okay with myself in my opinion. I accepted that we were apart and even began to consider if I would work well with other people. However, after about four months, my original girlfriend told me she was still in love with me.. I obviously still had feelings for her, so we began dating again, but this time it was different than before. She became much more dependent on me emotionally. Ever since our first relationship, I had been suspicious of her being depressed, because occassionally she would lash out at me in anger over minute instances. Also, whenever anything bad happened, I would be the one to make her feel better. Yet, it seemed that whenever something was wrong with me, I ended up without help and sometimes abandonment on the subject. So anyway, we were back together, and one night she told me about her suicidal feelings. Soon after I knew she had to get help because this was getting serious, and she did start seeing a psychologist. Things were still bad for the relationship though, and one night of her yelling at me on the phone while i was at a party that she didnt attend because she was mad at me pushed me over the line. I decided to break up with her two weeks later. She claimed she could change, and she already had. I noticed signs of her changing, but they didnt seem substantial or realistic enough for me to believe. Then she went as an inpatient to a clinic to get help. The situation only gets more complex though, because in order to help with the problems that i was having, i had begun speaking to another girl, who made me feel better when these bad things happened, and that was very comforting. Two weeks after I had broken up with the first girl, i had begun seeing this second girl. I admit it was a rather hasty decision, but this second girl cannot date anyway for familial reasons. Currently, im in a situation where i cant be with the first girl because of the issues that we have with each other, and i cant be with the second because she is not allowed. I can say that i still love the first girl. This is just a very confusing situation for me. I also realize that i never act perfectly in these situations. So any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

March 18, 2004
10:15 pm
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Lizziemarie
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Here are some questions to ask yourself for codependency. There are many articles about this issue online too.
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you
3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain
4. My mental attention is focused on you
5. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
6. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
7. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests
8. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
9. I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume
10. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
11. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
12. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
13. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship
14. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you
15. I put my values aside in order to connect with you
16. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own
17. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours

March 18, 2004
10:57 pm
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Anonymous
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Why are you with the second girl? Is it only because she makes you feel better anbout the first? If you don't mind my asking how old is everyone in this situation?

March 19, 2004
10:22 am
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Magnum4007
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the first time i was with the first girl, i could have answered mostly all of those questions with a yes. the second time i was with her, i dont remember it being as severe as the first time. i did leave out a few details pertaining to both girls. in the fourth month period that we were apart she was with three other men, but said she was still in love with me the whole time. also, right now she is getting involved in loose relationship with multiple men. right now everyone that im talking about including myself is eighteen. a bit early compared to the rest of you, but if i am codependent i would rather deal with it now than later. and i want to be with the second girl because she makes me feel okay, and the fact that we have much more balance in the relationship makes me enjoy it even more for its contrast from my previous relationship. im still hung up on the first girl however, because there is the possibility that she could change.

March 19, 2004
5:11 pm
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Anonymous
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There is always a possibility that people can change, situations can change. That is what makes life worth living and interesting. Hopefully, your first girl will be able to change. But, if she's involved in loose relationships with multiple men, it sounds as though she is not ready to be committed to anyone.

How much do you really want to be in a relationship with the second girl? You said that she makes you feel OK. Why do you need someone else to make you feel OK? Why do you feel the need to be in a committed relationship when the first girl and the second girl really are not what you are looking for? And one more question. Do you want to miss out on life and other possible relationships by putting all of your energy into waiting and hoping that the first girl will change?

March 21, 2004
10:11 am
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Magnum4007
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i guess i shouldnt miss out on everything else for either of them, because waiting isnt very enjoyable. however, there are some new developments.. i was with the first girl the other night and all those feelings that i had been blocking out all came back at once. im not sure if this happened because i love her or because im codependent. in general, its hard for me to label my behaviors as emotion or codependence.

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