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Can anyone say congratulations?
July 6, 2007
11:56 am
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D27
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ok, yall are making me sad:( and scared. How am I suppose to leave a man that hasnt done anything to me or my children. Thats not really fair to judge him for the things hes done in the past because I wouldnt want him to judge me. I speak my mind and dont think twice about whether he likes what Im gonna say or not.I have income and I had a job but they werent really giving me hours so I quit. I can still take care of my family without him. Yeah I can set a later date but to just leave him for something that he "MIGHT" do. I cant see it. I love him VERY much. But I am more than just a TAD concerned (especially since you've all scared me to death)Im willing to do this, I will go to counseling and make sure he does to(anger management or something) if he doesnt want to then I guess I will make him leave. Thanks ((all of you))

July 6, 2007
12:23 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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I didn't want to really make you sad.

But there are HUGE risks here, and I guess my question is - do you WANT to risk it?

How badly will you feel if he DOES strike you? or worse, the kids?

Will the guilt be unbearable?

It's a gamble. You take a gamble with ANY new partner. But to know he already has raised his hand to a woman, is a BIGGER gamble.

The problem is, you may not see it coming until it's too late. You don't know both sides of what happened, how it happened or what provoked it. You may never know, as you can't get her side of it, as you can't speak to her.

Ok, so you don't want him to leave, but if he hurts your kids? then what?

Also, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make sure you have enough income coming in that you don't have to rely on him, should something DO happen.

You may not be ready to leave him now, and that's understandable...but DO put off the wedding, it's just not smart to rush.

Get into counseling, and hopefully he will attend anger management.

IF, IF, IF he didn't STILL have a bad temper and anger issues, I may say his episode with his ex was a one time deal, sometimes people push our buttons...I remember once getting into it with my brother years ago...it was a one time deal, didn't make me violent.

BUT since he DOES have ongoing anger issues, it makes him VERY likely to strike out if he can't learn to control it.

For your sake and the kids, I am glad you are rethinking this.

Witnessing abuse, and/or receiving it, will scar the kids for life. And it may make them scared to trust any other men you bring into the home in the future, should this not work out due to abuse issues.

Is that worth it?

Compound this with the fact that you will have to deal with an out of control young girl who will likely create chaos in your home.

I know you love him...and I know this decision is hard. Just make sure you protect you and your babies.

July 6, 2007
12:29 pm
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lewis
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congrats!

go for it life is too short, enjoy the opportunity why there is one. I think we tend to live our life's as if we have forever and we don't! So what if it dosen't work, you would have learnt something. Only you know if he is a good man or not, I hope you have a happy life together.

July 6, 2007
12:56 pm
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turnabout
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Don't want to scare you. Just want you to go into whatever you decide with your eyes fully open. Are you going to need more information from him or about him in order to do that? If there are ANY doubts about his behavior or gaps in information about him, it would serve you to PURSUE the information that would resolve those doubts and to DELAY any major, life decisions until you get it.

Thought of another red flag last night after I signed off. This one is in YOU, not HIM. You said something about him "trying to do better in God's eyes. I see him trying,.." Do you feel the urge to get him where he wants to be? Do you ever feel that you're supposed to do whatever you can to assure his success and to make his effort as easy as possible?

July 6, 2007
1:10 pm
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Bramble
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I met a man once who I fell in love with almost immediately.I have never felt so good and after 3 months my eyes were opened when I discovered that he was married.I felt as if I was in too deep and he told me that she"repulsed" him and he was leaving her BUT at the right time.See what they mean about BUT.
A year later I was still with him and he went home to his repulsive wife every night!!!!!!
Thank God that he is out of my life now(I don't know what I would have done without this site and the love and sound advice that I was given)
He continues to e-mail and I have maintained no contact for almost a year.I am paying him the biggest insult ever.I IGNORE him.
Give a lot of thought to your impending marraige and future of your kids.I married an abusive man at aged 20 and lived to regret it.
I wish you well in the future and hope that you give it much thought.
Best wishes Bramble.

July 6, 2007
1:50 pm
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lettingo
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D27,
Just give it a little more time before you get married. You will know what is right for you.

July 7, 2007
12:30 am
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D27
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He said he would go to counseling, thanks lewis:) and all yall

July 7, 2007
12:45 am
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fantas
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D27...good for you and him. I wish you all the best in the counselling and everything else.

July 7, 2007
11:47 am
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StronginHim77
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Please be sure to include ALL of the children in this pre-marital counseling. They will all be deeply affected by this marriage, so all need preparation and support.

Also, a good family counselor will be able to help you resolve those parenting issues which need to be addressed BEFORE saying "I do."

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