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Can anyone say congratulations?
July 5, 2007
10:57 am
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D27
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Ok, call me crazy but I met this man about a month ago and after the first three dates he moved in and we are getting married in august. Im 27 and I think that Im past that whole puppy love stage in my life and I know what I want. I dont see any red flags about this man,he works, hes good to me and my children, he has a religious desire to do right and for our family to be blessed. We do tend to argue about the children. He has a daughter who is very spoiled so spoiled she told my son that she was the boss of her mother. she probably is. I think she needs more discipline and he thinks I need to ease up on all the kids. though we dont see eye to eye on that we both agree that we dont want our children to be the reason that we cant be together, because they will eventually be grown and gone and we will be without one another and neither of us want that. I can see myself growing old with him so is their anyone out there with out reservations and can just say congratulations.

July 5, 2007
11:07 am
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risingfromtheashes
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first of all, congratulations.

second - I do have reservations - but am not in your shoes - so in the end - you have to follow your heart and do what feels right to you.

Statistically, most relationships that move this fast do fail. But there are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule.

And my wish is that you will continue to be the exception.

As long as communication flows freely and you can meet in the middle regarding the kids, then you may have a chance.

Tho you don't WANT the kids to come between you, blended families DO have the hardest obstacles to overcome, as there are more than one set of parents to deal with.

In time, you guys may come up with healthy solutions to the daughter situation...but if it's not nipped in the bud, it may grow and become a bigger battle than you imagine.

As I said, my initial reaction is that things that move fast have a higher risk of failure...but then again, I am in a relationship that was high risk for failing and it's thriving and doing well...so congratulations and good luck.

July 5, 2007
11:08 am
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CAMER
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Congrats!!! now i am not sure if you want to get any "other peoples" advice or not.

I think the moral here is you both have to decide together what is right and wrong with the children and come to a decision that won't make you both resent eachother and be comfy with your choices.

July 5, 2007
11:26 am
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courage to change
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Congratulations and wishing you all the best xxxxxxxxxxx

July 5, 2007
11:33 am
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D27
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risingfromtheashes thanks for the advice and Im very happy to hear that you are doing well in a relationship that was a high risk of failing. Call me crazy (and many do)but I dont want to not do this because it may not work. If it works it works and if it doesnt it doesnt. I feel like our relationship is different because he has been here since the end of may. He sleeps here and wakes up here everyday. They say you dont really know a person till you live with them so I figure what I have is the real thing. I know that I wont meet anyone better for my family then this man. Everyone has problems in a relationship its just what a person is willing to put up with that defines a relationship, i think.
CAMER thanks for the support also. I when I speak of his daughter I try to stay biblical and technical with him because he is VERY sensitive when it comes to her. I never make it sound personal. She is four and if she keeps on this" im the boss of my parents" road she will be out of control by the time she is a teen and thats not something I want to deal with. I have three kids and they are crazy enough but they respect me and know that there are consequences to their disobedience. I love lil mama and when she is with me she follows rules and she is proud of herself when she does something she is suppose to do. But her mom and dad cancel all that out when shes with them. She is four and wears bigger clothes than my 10 yr old daughter. I told him that if they didnt get a grip on it now she will be over weight and out of control. I know that this will be a challenge in our relationship but I think that we can get through it if we continue to communicate with one another.

July 5, 2007
11:37 am
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D27
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Thanks for da support courage to change

July 5, 2007
11:42 am
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lettingo
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Sorry, but my opinion is you are moving too fast. How can you see any "red flags" in one month. Many people don't get past the "honeymoon" dating stage until almost a year. I hope it works. Just think it's kind of risky. What's the rush anyway?

July 5, 2007
11:45 am
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risingfromtheashes
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D -

I had that philosophy too - let them move in sooner than later - it gives you a good sense of if it will work or not.

The ONLY risk is the kids get attached, then it does fail, then they get hurt.

And that was my ONLY regret over the last six years - as I had two relationships fail - and she was attached to both...the last one was slated for marriage and adoption of her...so she really took it hard.

The thing is, in hindsight...there were red flags...everyone else saw them, I failed to...I didn't want to.

And in my current relationship, he also moved in quickly - and he got squirrelly after a while - cold feet....despite his word that he WANTED it the way it was...he still got nervous and ran...only to come back.

Anyway...the thing with kids - both of you will have to come to an agreement about the kids - the rules should be house rules and apply to all. Because you have three kids and know what works for you - you should have a bigger say in what goes on - but his view should be important as well. I found that often I felt my rules should apply, cuz I was the mom - but later came to realize that my partner did have valuable input and that his ideas did matter and sometimes were better.

His daughter - how often does she stay with you?

if he is only a part time dad, it is hard for him to control what goes on in the other house, when he's not around...so if mom is indulgent and allows her to have free run of things, it will be hard to get that under control. The only thing you can do is have house rules in your house and everyone obeys them. Beyond that, there isn't much you can do about the situation - and if she is bad now, you can guarantee she will be an angry teen that turns everyone upside down...including you.

Make sure your talks about this situation with him are open and honest and come to an agreement about what has to happen.

Otherwise, this WILL drive you apart...no matter how much you don't want it to.

July 5, 2007
12:03 pm
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D27
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lettingo thanks for your comment and I can respect that. Im still gonna marry him in august tho:)but I do hear what ur saying.
risingfromtheashes thanks for ur advice also. I have been in relationships where I have ignored the red flags, I have always seen them, they just got bigger as the time went on.I dont have that with him. I see his flaws and I accept them. This relationship is a challenge because of the children well his daughter not my kids...yet. His daughter has spent two weeks with us so far and she will be coming back for another week on friday. so i guess every other week. This is the first time I have ever done anything like this before and my kids do absolutly adore him so. I would hate for us not to work and the children are hurt but theren isnt much I can do. Every family cant be the Brady Bunch. I have never dated a man with children before so this whole thing: the falling in love and getting married, the fast move in, the daughter from hell:)situation is all new. All I know to do is live, pray, learn and follow my heart.

July 5, 2007
12:09 pm
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mamacinnamon
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D27:

I would like to say congrats on finding the guy of your dreams.

I am a bit apprehensive tho because I am one that married after 5 months in my second marriage. He lied to me and nobody saw red flags. Those on his side didn't say anything coz they thought if he had a "good woman" he'd be able to quit his addiction. I will say I feel he has honestly tried, and fallen, many times. He's been clean now the last 5 years.

I will also say I dated my first hubby for 2 years and he turned into a monster w/n 6 months of us marrying. He kept his sheeps clothing on well.

So, my opinion is not the amount of time you date, but the time you spend getting to know each other. The arguments over the children need to be remedied BEFORE any "I do". Otherwise you are gonna have some very confused children.

As for his daughter. You cannot change what her mom does. Lord knows I wish you could coz my ex really messed up my older 2 kids. But what you can do is try to come to an understanding w/ hubby to be. If that does not work then you have 2 options. You don't marry, or you develop your own relationship w/ this daughter and you set out to her that she will be treated and loved equally w/ your own children. No favorites. NO favorites. The rules are the same, the priviledges are the same. You must stay equally yoked for the kids. If hubby doesn't then you say "I'm sorry, I cannot do anything about him." IF you are kind and firm and always standing true to what you say she will act as you expect her to. Now when her dad is around may be another matter. That is the one rotten apple that spoils the whole bunch. I'm sorry for that.

If you and he could work out the childrens' issues then you may have a great marriage. I am not one to say. Oh, by the way, my second hubby and I have been married 15 years now. It's been a hard 15 years for many reasons, but you and he can make things work if you both stand side by side and not in a home where things are a free for all.

July 5, 2007
12:39 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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oh boy, and that leads us to ma strongs situation.

she met a guy, hit it off, went to premarital counseling, had everyone's approval...married him quickly.

and within two weeks - was in HELL.

turns out, he was a good "actor" and kept up the charade long enough to convince her to marry him.

within weeks, she was sleeping in a "back room", was not being fed, was cut off from everything and everyone...and had moved out of her own home and gotten rid of her own belongings and had nowhere to go.

this guy was a MONSTER. but because they only dated a short time, it was easy for him to conceal.

once they were married, the mask came off.

yes, many horror stories. I pray you don't end up a statistic.

again, someone else asked - what is the rush?

July 5, 2007
12:43 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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Congratulations and enjoy the good times. My advice--be sure that everyone establishes working relationships with everyone else. and don't give up it will take time to get everything smooth

July 5, 2007
1:30 pm
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D27 -

If you are anything like me, red flags could be poking out your eyeballs and you STILL won't slow down. After my SECOND (post-widowhood) marriage attempt turned into a DISASTER SCENE, I pulled my head out of the sand, got a box of kleenex and re-read my postings on these threads BEFORE I rushed off and got married. Yup. The Red Flags were there, screaming at me, but I wanted what I wanted what I wanted...

I wanted a man. The man he projected himself to be. And NO ONE could talk me out of it.

First of all, I don't think you would be posting on these threads, if you didn't see at least a couple of the Red Flags in this relationship.

1. You are giving him "Biblical" advice, regarding his problematic daughter. WHY? If he honored Biblical principles, he wouldn't be having sex with you and living with you, outside of the covenant of matrimony. NOW WOULD HE? He would also have sought pastoral counseling for you both, PRIOR to any talk of marriage. Has he done this?

2. What happened to his first marriage? The one to his daughter's mother? Have you met her yet?

3. How long has he been divorced? Less than a year? More than a year?

4. How did you meet him?

5. Have you met his family?

6. Have you met his friends?

7. How will finances be handled? Who earns more? How much is his child support? Does he also have to provide his daughter with medical insurance?

8. What did he do with HIS home and HIS furnishings, in order to move in with you?

9. Why doesn't he discipline his daughter? What impact will this have on YOUR children, observing a "double-standard" within your family circle?

10. Have you seen his tax return for last year? What is his credit score?

11. Is he in debt?

12. Have you seen him drink alcohol? If so, how much did he drink? Did he manifest any level of impairment? Did his behavior change?

13. Does he ever seem moody? Withdrawn? Quiet? "Troubled?"

14. Is he already contributing to the household expenses? Likewise, the household chores?

15. Why the big rush on getting married? You are already living together, so it isn't for "moral" reasons. So, what's the hurry? Which one of you is pushing the hardest for this quick marriage?

I would not consider marrying anyone, until I had satisfactory answers to all of the above questions. Also, the "child-rearing" conflicts need to be resolved BEFORE any wedding takes place. Right now, he wants to please you and win you. That willingness to please is gonna fade mighty fast, after the vows are exchanged.

Remember...marriage is a LIFETIME, "till death do us part" commitment which will have a lifetime impact on your children...not just on you. For their sake, as well as your own, slow down and do some homework on this man, BEFORE tying any legal knots. Foresight is so much more valuable than hindsight.

He might pass all of the above questions with flying colors. I will be very interested to learn whatever you are willing to share, regarding the answers to these Stage One questions. If you are reluctant to share any of the answers with us here on these threads, it might be because you know -- deep inside -- that a Red Flag of potential trouble exists. If there are none, then I wish you every happiness.

Just don't sell out to this man BEFORE doing responsible "homework" on his background, his history, his finances, his family and his personal habits.

- Ma Strong

July 5, 2007
1:46 pm
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lettingo
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I agree with MA regarding the effects this could have on you and your children. Your statement "If it works it works and if it doesnt it doesnt" leads me to believe you don't really get that. I just recently divorced three months ago and I wouldn't wish divorce on my worse enemy let alone my children. I think I am just saying be careful and really thinka the seriousness of "Til death do we part".

July 5, 2007
1:54 pm
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CAMER
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ma strong made some very valid points.

I don't want you to think everyone is ganging up on you now, D27, but
I guess alot of us have "been there, done that" and just want to make sure you are doing the right thing, for the right reasons.

July 5, 2007
2:27 pm
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D27
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ok. so after everyone's comments. there is ONE thing that concerns me. and i know that if I say what it is then everyone on the earth will say WAIT and dont do it. I have never met the mother of his children because they dont speak. Her mother meets us outside of their apartment and drops the baby off. Their relationship was bad. He hit her, she hit him. I can admit that he is mean at times and his when he gets angry there isnt any reasoning with him til he calms down. There is two sides to him one really sweet man, one really mean man. I may be just a tad bit concerned that he will be physical with me but I think that stems from seeing my mom in abusive relationships because I think I have met every mentally abusive man in the book, but I have never been in a physically abusive relationship( thats because if a man even says "BOO!" to me then Im gone. It was my idea to marry so soon. His credit is better than mine. He works and I dont(he brings his money home to me). He doesnt have a criminal background and he's in the ending stages of becoming a correctional officer. When we drink, we drink together most times he doesnt change. I have met his family. He wasnt staying anywhere in particular when we met here and there(hes 25)It was his idea to go to church, hes trying to do better in God's eyes. I see him trying, hes never been married, I was married once before. Hes a good provider and the sweetest man(when he's not upset). I told him that if he ever hit me then I would leave married or not he said that he wouldnt and if he is lying then whats stopping him from waiting until we get married to do it? I dont know. Maybe, just maybe, I will wait.

July 5, 2007
2:38 pm
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StronginHim77
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This man is toxic. If he has been physically aggressive in the past, I can guarantee you that he will be physically aggressive again. He is an angry, controlling man.

If you marry him, you are going to be abused. Worse, your children will witness this and possibly be subjected to it, as well. Which will mess their heads up FOR LIFE.

So, what means more to you? The peace and well-being of your children and the role models you subject them to? Or your own, desperate need to have a man in your life at any price?

This man is already manifesting his mood swings, anger issues, etc., just weeks into the relationship. Have you any idea what awaits you, after you say "I do??"

RUN. Get away from this man. Get him out of your home. Save yourself AND your innocent children.

July 5, 2007
2:44 pm
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StronginHim77
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P.S. All abusers say they will stop. But they don't. It is a part of them. Even with years of counseling and hard work, very few overcome the need to control, the mood swings and the abusive behaviors with their partners and children.

Facts are facts.

You are "in love" with a toxic man who will damage you AND your children, emotionally and --probably -- physically. You have a history of gravitating towards unhealthy partners. Get into counseling, any way you can, and find out WHY. Break the cycle, before it successfully imprints onto your children and ruins THEIR lives, as well.

July 5, 2007
2:47 pm
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CAMER
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"He hit her, she hit him"...that says it all!!! and his mood swings, not good.

If you can't leave him,or feel you are not ready, or don't want to...... then wait, wait, wait as long as you can, until you have no "doubts" about him.

July 5, 2007
2:56 pm
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D27 -- I agree with posters who have said that you wouldn't have started this thread if you didn't have reservations. So I'm going to be forthright here. Honey, your "one thing" is that you're about to marry an abusive man - who at this point you don't know at all.

I wrote to Ma one time that anyone, even the seriously disturbed, can put on a good front for up to three months. You're not even at the three month mark and already "when he gets angry there's noreasoning with him?" You know that he raised his hand to his ex wife? You're also upset with a four year old who has already lived in an environment where her parents hit "each other." That little girl has had a pretty rough start.

The "honeymoon phase" can be really potent - that time when everything is perfect and you're on best behavior is heady stuff. But this isn't even a honeymoon phase - you've seen his anger already and you know for sure that this man who "can't be reasoned with" is willing to hit a woman. Your kids may adore him, but if you adore your kids - why on earth would you marry a man with a temper who is likely to bring physical violence into your home?

I'm sorry that this is so blunt - but your safety, and your children's safety, are not small potatoes. "Flaws" are human. "Flaws" are leaving wet towels on the bed, or not being a great communicator. or being chronically late. This is not flaws - this is inviting an abusive man into your home and putting him within hitting distance of your kids. Not only is it too soon to get married - I'm not sure why you're willing to enter into a relationship with this man at all.

H.

July 5, 2007
3:11 pm
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atalose
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D27,

How do you know this is love and not infatuation? With infatuation there is an immediate urge to rush into a relationship regardless of compatibility. You have only known this man a month there is no way you can know at this point if you are both compatible or not for each other.
The red flags flying on both your parts is overwhelming right now.

Why can't you continue to date this man, get to really know him and what he is all about then see if marriage is warrented. You should examine your quick need to be married to someone you don't even know. Is it the romantic fantasy of falling in love so quickly and fast that has you confused right now?

I think the advise above from everyone is great, slow down the relationship and marriage idea instead of forcing it down a road that often leads to a dead end.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 5, 2007
4:30 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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D -

you said -

There is two sides to him one really sweet man, one really mean man.........if this mean man can "surface" during your initial courtship, when you are supposed to be in a "honeymoon period" what is going to happen when the REAL stress of married life hits him?

I may be just a tad bit concerned that he will be physical with me.................a TAD? you should be VERY worried. He HAS hit a woman before - he HAS a temper problem - WHAT is to stop him from striking you?????

but I think that stems from seeing my mom in abusive relationships............everything after BUT is BULLSHIT, as my brother says. He is abusive, and no matter WHAT you witnessed as a child, the fact remains, he hit a woman in anger. He has a temper. Period, end of story.

because I think I have met every mentally abusive man in the book,...................and what makes you think this man is NOT mentally abusive? He has a temper, you walk on eggshells, waiting for him to "calm down"...that is abuse. And you are VERY close to stepping into the world of physical abuse.

but I have never been in a physically abusive relationship( thats because if a man even says "BOO!" to me then Im gone......again, everything after BUT is bullshit......when he strikes, he isn't going to give you warning, he is just going to do it....you won't know what hit you.....you will be married, AND DEPENDENT ON HIM, his income and his support. It will feel damn near impossible to get out.

It was my idea to marry so soon. His credit is better than mine. He works and I dont(he brings his money home to me)........The NUMBER ONE way an abusive guy stays in control is having his partner isolated from everything, including having her dependent on him for financial support. IF he strikes you and you kick him out, WHAT THEN? What will you do, where will you go, how will you pay your bills??????? It is one of the major reasons abused women stay with the abuser, she has no income of her own.

He doesnt have a criminal background and he's in the ending stages of becoming a correctional officer...........I live in upstate NY...and the number one profession of men up here is CO....and they are the NUMBER ONE abusers of the law. Don't let that fool you.

When we drink, we drink together most times he doesnt change......how much and how often do you drinnk??????

He wasnt staying anywhere in particular when we met here and there(hes 25).............you mean he did not show any sense of stability or responsibility in owning/renting his own place???????????

It was his idea to go to church, hes trying to do better in God's eyes. I see him trying..........good, BUT, do you want to risk being the guinea pig here???????

hes never been married, I was married once before. Hes a good provider and the sweetest man(when he's not upset).........how often is he "upset", what tips him off, how do you react?

I told him that if he ever hit me then I would leave married or not he said that he wouldnt and if he is lying then whats stopping him from waiting until we get married to do it?............because right now he doesn't want to lose his roof over his head, a good woman and a wonderful situation...he is controlling his temper so he doesn't scare you off.

I dont know. Maybe, just maybe, I will wait...........what will be the harm in waiting????????

You put EVERYTHING in jeopardy when you allow this in your home. Your kids COULD be taken away from you if there is violence in the home. Is it worth risking losing your kids?????

If he shows his anger/temper now...it is only a matter of time before he lashes out.

This is a huge gamble...please weigh all your options.

Were you working when you met? How were you paying your bills?

Also - something to think about - if you ALREADY know you attract "all kinds"...then there is something inside you that DEFINITELY needs "fixing", in that you don't keep attracting abusive men. Your children deserve a healthy mom who can make healthy decisions.

I SERIOUSLY recommend counseling, just so you can evaluate this better. Coda meetings or al-anon or adult childrent of alcoholic meetings will help you with this.

the book codependent no more and women who love too much will explain WHY you attract abusers and how to break the cycle.

Stronginhim77 met a man, he passed with flying colors - his only "flaw" was he rushed things....he turned out to be a HUGE abuser.

Your guy has already shown abusive qualities...it won't be long before he reveals his true self.

PLEASE take time to see the whole picture....get to know his daughter...know what you are signing up for.

AND PLEASE have a financial plan in case you need to get him out...the biggest error you can make is being dependent on a man who abuses you...it's a surefire way of ending up in a shelter with nothing but the clothes on your back.

I DOUBT that's the future you want for you and the kids.

And THANK YOU for being honest with us. I know it has to be hard to hear everyone tell you to get out, wait or whatever....but sometimes our gut knows the answer even before we ask the question.

July 5, 2007
4:57 pm
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fantas
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... though we dont see eye to eye on that we both agree that we dont want our children to be the reason that we cant be together, because they will eventually be grown and gone and we will be without one another and neither of us want that.

The children in this situation are the only ones who don't have a say in what happens.Whether the relationship is right or wrong, safe or unsafe, they deserve to be in a home that is safe and healthy for their development. His daughter must really feel out of control to keep insisting that she is the boss of her parents. The fact that she is over weight might suggest that she comforts herself with food. So I don't think that just a firm hand will keep her in line. She needs love and reassurance. I am also wondering whether your kids have witnessed the anger bursts from your intended and if they have, why would they adore him? If they haven't, how will you explain his change of personality to them?

Realistically, you may have no say in how his daughter is raised. As a step parent, you have no real rights. You will have to win over her confidence just like he has won over your kids. It looks like her parents have a volatile relationship and this will affect your marriage. The ex will influence how her daughter thinks about you. Not to mention that her loyalty is torn between you, her father and her mother. This is too much for a person her age to take on. She brings this baggage to your home and to your children as well. At the very least, you all should consider family therapy before the marriage.

I think that the adults should make this transition and painless for the children as they possibly can. They will have to live with the arrangements you make so I think that you should really take their needs into consideration.

July 5, 2007
6:26 pm
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Honolulugal
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D, you know why old sayings like "marry in haste, repent at leisure" become old sayings? Because unfortunately, they're true.

You have nothing to lose by waiting and the whole wide world to gain. Another old saw, is "if it's real love, it'll wait". Why not just think about pushing your plans off for a few months, at least? It will give you a chance for much more observation. If you are still determined to marry him, at least you will have learned more about him before you do.

I DO think he's gonna be trouble for you. If you want to engage, that's really your business, but at least give yourself the benefit of some more time and thought. Can't hurt, can it? And if postponing the plans kicks up a big sh&*storm with him, then you have your answer right there, right?

H-gal

July 6, 2007
1:38 am
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turnabout
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Whewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!

D27 -- There ARE red flags.

Whenever a relationship moves really fast, it's because something is being swept under the rug. Someone is avoiding seeing, and someone is avoiding being seen.

"Everyone has problems in a relationship its just what a person is willing to put up with that defines a relationship, i think."

God, I hope not. That is a very depressing thought. Do I want to define my life by what I will put up with? Ugh! No!!! You're talking about a lifelong relationship, and you think what defines a relationship is what a person is will to put up with, so therefore you are defining your WHOLE LIFE by what you will put up with. Not good enough!!!! That is SETTLING!!!! I hope I can develop a relationship that is defined by what we both WANT. I think that's how it's supposed to go, but we talk ourselves into believing it's impossible. We start bargaining with ourselves when any somewhat suitable man comes into our lives about how we can put up with this and compromise that. Sure, relationships require compromise, but when we're in this mindset, WE'RE the ones doing all the compromising. It really should come naturally as BOTH parties work with a COMPLETELY MUTUAL investment in reaching a solution. Compromise IS NOT about one person backing down just to keep the peace. If that's what you're doing, and it sounds like it is, then you're only compromising yourself.

"I may be just a tad bit concerned that he will be physical with me but I think that stems from seeing my mom in abusive relationships because I think I have met every mentally abusive man in the book, but I have never been in a physically abusive relationship"

Could it be that b/c of seeing your mom in abusive relationships you have a distorted idea of what is okay? Could it be this history that cause you to be ONLY a TAD BIT concerned? Could it be that you are rationalizing that since he doesn't do this or he doesn't do that like your mother's boyfriends, or even your own ex's, he must be an okay guy?

But you know what? If you rationalize like this, you may end up with a guy isn't as bad as the others you've known (or doesn't look as bad, at least. time will tell.), but a lesser form evil is still evil. A less abusive guy is still an abusive guy and not worth settling for.

I read on one website that says you should meet at least one of your guys exes, b/c there's always two sides to every story. If he isn't friends with any of his exes, WATCH OUT, because it probably means he has done something against them all that they don't want to even associate with him anymore. Also, it creates a safe little bubble for him where he gets to tell you his side of the story, painting himself however he wants, without ever facing contradiction for him to prove himself against. He might even be able to enlist you as a naive ally into an "us vs. the ex" mentality. As long as you're seeing the ex as the enemy, you're not very well going to be sharing gossip about HIM, now are you, so he gets to come out smelling like a rose no matter what his ex says about him.

I have an ex-boyfriend that is still with a girl today based on doing that very same thing. She saw me as the enemy so no matter what I said, I was the crazy one while he could do no wrong. He fit the mold I described, too. Had no exes as friends; I never met any of them.

Fact is, though, if you can't ask your boyfriend's ex about her perspective on their relationship, you don't really trust your partner and want to avoid hearing anything that might diminish him in your eyes. It means the fantasy of what you have is more important to you than the reality of what you have, because if the reality were more important to you, you'd face it square in the headlights, risking exposure of all sorts of things you don't really WANT to be true.

Lastly, disagreements over handling children are HUGE!!!! If you can't get on the same page about this, you'll never be on the same page. And if you guys have a barrier in talking about these things, you're on a seriously bad foot, because partners should be able to talk to each other about ANYTHING... NOTHING is off limits. Otherwise, you're not really partners... you're just playing at being partners.

I'm sorry, D27. I don't have any congratulations to offer. This situation is very scary to me. It isn't that I don't wish you success in a happy marriage with a loving man, but exactly because I DO wish it for you. This arrangement is seriously, seriously scary. Please reconsider. There's something better out there for you, I have no doubt.

((((((((D27))))))))
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