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can anyone relate to what I'm saying?
October 3, 2004
2:07 pm
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Reclaiming Boundaries
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This weekend was better for me. I didn't plan everything around my husband. I had my own goals - to eat right and go for a swim, to get out for a walk in the forest. I didn't totally eat right but I did get out for a swim and a walk!

God reminded me that codependency is fueled by fearfully obssessing on the 'significant other'. Wow, I'm trying not to obssess on my husband's behaviour: is he treating me right, is he being responsible, is he falling into masturbation, is he depressed. Instead I'm trying to centre on God and have inner peace.

My emotional state can rest in God, instead of mirroring my husband's emotions or friend's emotions. It sounds wierd but I need to remind myself that I am my own person responsible for the running of my own life.

Healthy detachment is one of the key principles of co-dependency recovery and even after many years of understanding this, I still need to be reminded NOT to get emotionally emeshed in other people's lives. Love them, yes. Care for them, yes. But NOT become their saviour or emotional caretaker...NOT think I have to solve THEIR problems!!!! can anyone relate to what I'm saying?

October 3, 2004
2:26 pm
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is anyone out there today?

October 3, 2004
2:42 pm
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silence
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Nope. Football is on.

October 3, 2004
2:51 pm
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can anyone relate about needing to be their own person, running their own life, instead of rollar-coastering with others' lives?

October 3, 2004
2:54 pm
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Anonymous
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Reclaiming Boundaries gosh I wish I couldn't relate but I can all to well.

I too tried not to worry what he was doing this weekend. It drives me crazy I feel so out of control and nuts.. I still struggle with letting go but some days I do it pretty well.
Yesterday was a great example. I took my boys to the park for about 2 1/2 hours.. We played, I rode bikes with them.. cooked a nice breakfast and dinner.. Sandwiches for lunch he he..
But bottom line did what I wanted to without worrying about what he is doing or if we will get mad at me for going and doing things..

I aslo agree to "Let Go and Let God" but boy sometimes that is so much harder to do.. And when I do let go I advetually take it back. Then give it to him and then take it back he he..

You said something in your post that really intriged me.. I have been having trouble with sexual insecurities for certain reasons but haven't been able to bring myself to post about it here.. So when you said "is he falling into masturbation". I thought to myself hmm I wonder what is going on with you. I feel so alone in a lot of feelings concerning just that and don't know how to get past them.. Just wondering what you are going threw if I am not getting to personal..

It sure feels good when we let go and don't obsess but boy does it take work.. Some days are better than others.. Yes I can sooo realate

October 3, 2004
2:55 pm
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Right now I can relate only to the down side of it, that's why I've been refraining from posting here. I'm sure others will post soon.

October 3, 2004
4:35 pm
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workinonit
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I am not sure what the masturbation issue is but I would have no problem with my significant other doing this. When we are offended by this either we don't understand the sexual nature of men or, we are insecure about how it reflects on us.

The first point, men do not view sex as the emotional connection women do. They may be connected but, sex is an act for them that releives bodily tension. If they want to masturbate it has nothing to do with us. They have been doing it since they were babies. How do you expect them to stop?

Second point, our insecurities can be affronted by this innocent act. Many women feel inadequate if their significant other indulges. Again, it is not a reflection on us and it warrants our attention to the reason we are insecure about it. That, though, is individual and up to you.

Just my two cents!!!

October 3, 2004
4:58 pm
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workin on it-

Yeah that makes sense, but it's a whole other thing if they are ignoring our needs. We don't know what the case is with reclaiming boundaries and her guy.

-ella

October 3, 2004
5:21 pm
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wireless_tech
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Reclaiming,

I am online right now, and I can relate to some of what you are saying.
Especially not getting emotionally enmeshed in other peoples lives, not becoming their saviour and emotional caretaker, and not thinking I have to solve thier problems. These are all the same issues Ive had with my ex-girlfriend. I spun my wheels trying to solve her problems, while made very little effort to do anything about them. It almost like I was living her life for her. When she was sad, I felt like I needed to do something to try and make her happy (emotional caretaker). I have come to realize lately that I cannot make her happy inside, she is the only one that can do that. Many times she refered to me as her saviour.

Workinonit is correct, masturbation does not mean that he his is not attracted to you anymore, and its not a rejection of you (Im not sure if that was how you felt, but Im making that point). As a man, I think I experience sex on two levels - I do experience an emotional connection on one level, expecially when its with the one I love, but on another level it is a necessary physical release. Most women do not seem to understand a mans physical need in this regard. Of course there is a line between what is healthy and normal, and what is unhealthy.

- wireless

October 3, 2004
6:48 pm
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hi *smiles*

Wow, it sure is good to chat, isn't it? Feels a bit like therapy...tee hee.

Hey, you had a good time at the park with your kids. That's so good that you did something positive for your life (and their's).

Yup, we've got to let go and let God, for sure. I've been thinking about the control which I sometimes get into when I'm around my husband...I realized that my trying to control his behaviour is based on fear and on my own bossiness (I'm a first-born...)

My mind feels more at peace, yes, when I'm not obssessing on him, not revolving all my decisions around his happiness.

Yes, I do have what you might call sexual insecurities because my husband used to be a fantasy-masturbation-sex addict. So, he used to many times a day have fantasy sex with other women in his mind and thru masturbation. He realized it was a form of adultery and our marriage really suffered because of it. He got therapy for it (for years) and I got therapy for my own control-freak issues. So, life is so much better but sometimes he still falls into the masturbation-fantasy-affair thing and sometimes I fall into the control-freak thing. We talk about these destructive cycles when they try to rear their ugly heads, and when we pray together, the cycles are broken and I feel peace and release and he wants to have great sex with me. Pheww...a lot of info, I know....

You said you felt alone in your feelngs about an issue...and if you would like, you can share so we can talk.

October 3, 2004
6:49 pm
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hi there mafi,

what did you mean by 'the down-side' as I don't understand...

October 3, 2004
6:59 pm
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hello workinonit,

I think masturbation could be an innocent act. At best I think it could be sexual expression, but leaving one feeling empty at the end because all a person's done is had sex with themselves...i think the very nature of sex is based on giving pleasure to one another in a healthy, exhilerating way.

I found it helpful that you said "it's not a reflection on us". Yup, I agree.

in my case, the masturbation used to be an addiction which stole from our marital sexual intimacy.

wow, as I've been writing I realize that it seems to have taken so long for me to get out of my codependent-control-freak cycles...it's taken years and i'm really glad the 'nightmare years' are behind me.

October 3, 2004
7:07 pm
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hi wireless_tech,

Sounds exhausting for you...trying to always take care of your girlfriend emotionally.

I think I'm learning to notice some warning signs inside me when I've slipped into this kind of emotional caretaking.

Here are some symptoms for me: When I feel exhausted emotionally and thought of how to solve other's problems go round and round in my head. When I start resenting the person whom I'm emotionally caretaking for. When I feel almost life I've lost a part of who I am. When I feel a loss of my inner peace. God helps me to 's e e' these warning signs...if I'm listening to Him...and then He helps me get out of the trap by withdrawing to be alone. Then I pray and rest and be and that really really helps.

have you ever had such warning signs? and have you ever tried what i've tried?

October 3, 2004
7:11 pm
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Dear mzrella,

Thank you so much for wondering if the masturbation affects me negatively...yup it does...the less he does it, the more we have wonderful sex...the more often he does it, the less we have the good sex. he realizes the correlation for sure. thank you i felt encouraged...have a good night.

October 3, 2004
7:33 pm
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wireless_tech
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Hi R.B.

She has severe physical issues as well as mental and emotional issues. She suffers from chronic pain.

I didnt feel exhausted emotionally, I think I thrived on it. I love to feel needed, and I love being able to take of her. I never resented her for her problems, I loved her more for them. I didnt feel like I lost who I was and my inner peace until she left me. Thats when I became a wreck, and started to understand the issues I have.

You are fortunate to have God in your life to pray to and look to for help. I dont have that. I wasnt raised with any kind of belief system, and as much as I try, I cant bring myself to have faith in any higher power. Ive been searching, but I havent found it.

October 3, 2004
8:26 pm
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Hey wireless,
have you tried reading any of Dan Millman's books? Spirituality doesn't have to be about believing in a higher power, you can define it for yourself. I was not raised in a belief myself, and his books helped me.

October 3, 2004
8:45 pm
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hi Reclaiming:i'd like to put my 2 cents in here...about the mastrubation thing..well i used to go with a man who i think had addiction with porn,(well he sold XXX movies for a living) strip joints, women in general...and yes, he made me feel less than. Just the thought of him "mastrubating" thinking of different women, kinda made me feel like it was "emotional" cheating (maybe once in a while is ok) but not on a regular basis, then it takes away from the intimacy and
emotions you have built up. Sometimes men do tend to feed off of all the nudity that is portrayed out there....and I think too much is no good.

Reclaiming, I do hope your husband is working on his "sexual addictions" and if he is good for him...Iknow it must be hard to focus on you, but give yourself a chance and find out the things you want and you desire, and know that you only deserve the best in the world, whether you have your husband or not, and I am not saying this in a bad way, you just need to decide what you will and will not put up with. I wish you the best...keep venting!!!!

hugs from Camer

October 3, 2004
9:58 pm
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Hi Wireless_Tech,

It sounds like being around her fed you emotionally, gave you a sense of being. I remember when I used to draw my identity and happiness from my husband and friends. but now I draw my identity and joy most of the time from the Lord.

This is a real switch-over. Because now I can have real joy even if my close friend, mom and husband are depressed and needy. So I have found an inner contentment because of my God.

You said you've been searching for God but haven't found Him yet. Wow, this search will surely bring you to God because the bible says "If you search for Me (God) you will find me when you search for me with all your heart."

It sounds like you really want to meet God. You can meet Him thru prayer. Prayer is when you talk to God and then He responds. Prayer is based on being totally honest and real with God. Your starting point could be something like this, "God, I've been searching for You, but haven't found You. So, please would You show yourself to me, I need to know inside that You love me." just an idea, but i don't want to put words in your mouth!!

If you want, you can read Psalm 139 in the bible which is a description of how God knows each of us and loves us the way He made us. My husband and I find it to be a divinely comforting passage. Have a good night's sleep...

October 4, 2004
1:21 am
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Everything has a down side to it. And becoming healthier has its down side too. When we don't accept codependent relationships anymore and when we're our own self, the amount of relationships we will have goes down drastically, and the difficulty in finding them rises sharply.

October 5, 2004
8:30 pm
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Hey mafi,

so true, I was depressed when I first realized that. But I'm also relieved. I had to cut off ties with my old best friend of 8yrs this year. It was hard. I didn't speak with her for 8months, and then I let the guilt get to me and contacted her again. I realized more than ever that how unhealthy the relationship was. But I'm letting go of that guilt and I would rather be my own best friend than have 10 others that drain me!

October 5, 2004
8:36 pm
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TimHay
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If we all had the wonderful gift of hindsight we'd all not be posting here 🙂

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