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Can anyone relate -- or help?
August 28, 2006
4:06 pm
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jastypes
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on the verge of tears this morning. I'm on day 4 of my period. I have fucked myself royally with money. food and house are out of control. Amy starts school tomorrow. I have a moustache. Worried about Greg. ove the band with Adam. I lie. I sin. I'm avoiding my sponsor. Baby steps. In what direction? Why are things falling apart? Does it matter? Is there a why? Maybe it's jsut who I am, and what I do. I expect things. Help me. Entitlement. Distraction. Confusion. I am selfish, greedy, stupid, careless, impatient, overwhelmed. I want to be organized, clean, together, on top of things. I have not taken my meds in 4 days. Not walking. no eating on my plan. Not ready for Amy to start school. How many relapses constitute absolute failure? I'm not sleeping well. I am having constant nightmares and waking up a lot. My routines are off. Laundry is WAY behind. Dishes are in the sink. No school supplies. No new clothes for Sheila. Greg's birthday is coming up. Greg and Adam need jobs. Mark is being negative, but he did come to church. and he is supportive when he is not home. I ate 4 bowls of Cap'n Crunch this weekend, that I can remember. I am so hideously fat. I am vain and proud. Pride comes before a fall. I was doing it! I was sticking to a diet, not bouncing checks, singing in a band. Notice me... notice me... NOTICE ME!!! Am I shrinking? People will tell me I'm losing weight. People will compliment me. C'mon people!!! Oops, nope, not happening. Slip, slide, thud. I'm not just on the ground. I managed to dig myself a pretty deep hole and then fell into that. I need to DO something, do more, get it together, act, work.....

August 28, 2006
4:22 pm
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thumkin
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I can relate! I wish I could help but I am stuck in the same damn hole and cant find my footing to climb out. I just keep telling myself I will find a way out of this mess and I will be a better person cuz I know I can be. I hope that helps a little, Ill say a prayer for you cuz I feel to selfish and hypocritical to say one for myself right now.

August 28, 2006
4:26 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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step one - take meds

step two - eat right

step three - exercise

These are CRITICAL to getting past this point.

If you aren't taking your meds or eating right, you are probably messing with your hormones and mental balance.

And that will kill all other efforts to be on the right track.

So, baby steps - take your meds, and eat right...THEN figure out where to go from there.

August 28, 2006
4:30 pm
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Aw Jastypes.

You know what you need to do. Go inward and ask yourself and you will come to your solution.

I want to urge you to go back on your medication. The last time I went off mine I got really sick and made my problems worse.

Do one thing at a time, like the dishes or start the laundry and slowly slowly take your life back. You CAN do it.

August 29, 2006
12:33 am
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Jastypes,

Everyone is right about the medication- you need to take it. This is why your cycles are all off, or at least part of the reason. First, you may need to come clean with your sponsor and any related health care professional that should know you have not been compliant with your treatment. Some medications are harmful if you go off them and back on right away, you should ask a pharmacist if you cannot get a hold of your doctor.

You need to stablize yourself. Get sleep, healthy food, etc. You probably know all of this. Once the basic health stuff is taken care of, then the other stuff will be a little easier. Don't get me wrong, sometimes everything is just harder no matter what you do, but not taking your meds is like giving yourself obstacles you don't need to hurdle.

It sucks, I've been there too. Yes, I can relate to a lot of that, and a general loss of groundedness.

Why did you stop taking the meds? Did you run out of money? Sometimes doctors will give you samples they have on hand if that is the case, sometimes they will help you out. Mine did that for me once.

Stop beating yourself up, give yourself some time out to rest and regroup. You can pamper yourself... there is Jolens creme bleach for the mostache if you cannot go to a salon to get it waxed. It works fine and is relatively inexpensive. Just test it on a small area first because if you have sensitive skin you can have a bad reaction.

What do you consider entitlement? It is such a relative term. Everyone expects things in life, most likely you DESERVE good things. Unfortunately, few people get the very best things in life that they deserve- of which are peace of mind and good health. I wish the best for you. Hang in there, and don't forget to go to your sponsor and doctor and ask for help.

hugs,
ella

August 29, 2006
12:36 am
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P.S. When I have my period, I am a mess too... and then when it goes away, it all seems like a bad dream. Almost like I was on some bad trip or something. It happens so regularly, I don't know why I can't just identify the cause and feel better just knowing where it's coming from. Maybe that will work for you in time though.

August 29, 2006
10:59 am
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jastypes
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Thanks all. It's nice to know I'm not alone and that I can "come clean" somewhere. I went home last night and took my medication before doing anything else. Then I took a walk with my daughter. I did 2 loads of laundry and got the dishes done. I still ate like a pig though! I am in big trouble with money, and I think I need to concentrate on that before worrying about dieting or sticking to a food plan -- although part of getting money under control has to do with not eating out. My youngest (age 12) is in school today, and she had what she needed. I took the day off today, even though I knew my boss would be pissed. But I called and found I still have 7 days of paid time off left, and decided my mental health was more important than being at the office.

August 29, 2006
11:08 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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Jas,

give yourself a HUGE pat on the back.

You made great efforts and you are very right - mental health comes before job responsibilities....cuz if you aren't stable, you won't do your job well anyway.

So what if you ate like a pig? Don't beat yourself up for what you are doing wrong, focus on what you are doing RIGHT! You took your meds, got some exercise and fresh air, got your daughter to school with all the stuff she needed (my daughter is same age), and did laundry. Worth mentioning - my daughter is this age and I started having her do chores - make a list each morning - stuff like putting dry dishes away, putting hers in the dishwasher, scooping litter boxes, taking out trash and doing laundry, also vacuums and cleans mirrors (tho not perfectly)....at first, I was resistant to this idea, but she does well and actually ASKS what's the chores for the day....it may not get done perfect, but anything you don't have to do is a bonus....and she SHOULD be responsible for packing her own lunch and having her school stuff and clothes ready for the morning - preparee at night, makes mornings easier. I didn't want to make her a slave, but they NEED responsibilities.

As for money - I am in same boat and I decided not to stress over it, but do as much as I could to fix it (do the legwork but don't stress) and my mom went to the casino and won $1500 and offered to help me out. You will find some relief at some point.

There are work at home companies that you can do at night....I got hired by one of them - called verafast, and there are many other reputable ones out there....check out http://www.wahm.com - this website gives you links to REPUTABLE work from home companies....the extra bucks can help.

Quit eating out, you can save a bunch that way and it's better for you - make up a bunch of meals on sunday, so you can warm them up on the fly during the week....prepackage salads and whatnot, for grab and go meals....I cook a big package of chicken breasts (bought at wholesale food place) and keep them to make grilled chicken salad, or to make any other chicken dish by adding a sauce and pasta, rice or veggies to it.

Keep up the good work and don't sweat the small stuff...celebrate the success.

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