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can anyone identify with this?
June 16, 2006
12:07 pm
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ggfred4
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I am new to this online counseling and so far it has been very helpful. BUT, when I read threads everyday, a lot of times I can't answer the person. I don't want to give the wrong advice or have not gone through their problem and hope someone else has that can help them. It makes me feel bad when I don't know what to say, yet, I feel compassion for them. I know the advice I have received so far has helped me make some changes for the better. I want to do that for others, yet I have not walked in their footsteps to identify with their situation. I have been shocked and deeply saddened by what some of you have gone through and/or still going through. I guess I care, but don't know how to help. Now, that I think about it, my "friends" have told me the same thing and then moved on. I don't want to be like that.

June 16, 2006
12:19 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi ggfred4,

By reading your post, it seems as though you are a very caring person. There is nothing to feel bad about. The main purpose of this site is to help YOURSELF....not necessarily to help others. Helping others is a bonus....not an obligation.

I don't always respond to every thread either for many reasons. Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes I just can't relate to what the person is going through. Other times I am dealing with my own issues and don't have the strength or energy to deal with the problems that others are having.

I have found however that sometimes by giving my opinion or a suggestion as I would to a friend in need also helps me to solve my own issues. Of couse taking my own advice is easier said than done...lol....but sometimes it helps.

Very often someone posts something that really strikes me but I don't have much to say so I will offer them a (((hug)))...just to let them know they have been heard.

I know I'm kind of rambling here but the most important thing to remember is that you are here to help yourself and if you are able to help others in the process....that's gravy.

Take care,
Lolli

June 16, 2006
12:32 pm
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ggfred4
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Thanks, I have always put myself last because I think I am pretty hopeless, plus, it makes me feel so good to help others; only if I know what to do. Thanks for your thoughts, it helped!

June 16, 2006
2:36 pm
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CAMER
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((welcome gg)) and know that you can answer anyones responses, cuz there is no right or wrong here...just basic support and sharing things that may have worked or not worked for you.

I too have that feeling, that i cannot help someone, then i too think
that someone may critize what my answer is etc....and be judged...BUT, i have been here for about 3 years and still posting daily, its a great learning site.

Feel free to respond anytime & know that things will be ok...((camer))

June 20, 2006
10:00 am
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2findpeece
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Hi gg,

Thanks for bring this up. It's something i've been wondering about as a newbee as well. My stuff sometimes feels to small to be here but it still knocks me over just the same.
(((gg)))
2findpeece

June 20, 2006
11:02 am
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ggfred4
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Hi 2find,
Finally someone else new. I almost gave up on the site, but came back today because I am so low today. Too low, even to explain, not worth the trouble.

June 20, 2006
11:43 am
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whidbey
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*Hugs to ggfred and 2find*

Hey, it's not about the "size" of anyone else's problems or experiences. Yours are your own, therefore are important. There is always someone who has had it "worse" than yourself, or not as bad, but that doesn't negate what you are feeling and are going through.

ggf, would it help to talk about how you are feeling and perhaps why? Perhaps you have, I dunno. I kind of skip in here for short moments in between working, so if you have posted about it and I haven't seen it, I apologize.

June 20, 2006
12:03 pm
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ggfred4
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whidbey,
I am pretty new to all of this and think it is a nice site. BUT, I am kind of in the mood where I believe no one really cares so I don't feel it is worth talking about me.

June 20, 2006
12:15 pm
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2findpeece
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Thanks ((Whidbey ))

(((Hey gg!))) Maybe we can share the story thing at the same time huh? "cause I'm feeling pretty yuck about doing it as well.
I know I'll care about your story.

What say you?;-)
2findpeece

June 20, 2006
12:34 pm
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ggfred4,

I came to the threads just now because I was working on a cleaning/organizing project in my kitchen (by myself) and I suddenly flashed back to a recent conversation with my son. He and his brother are angry with their dad for the downslide the family business is in.

He said there was another time when they all went to "help" build an addition to my husband's friend's house and my son thought they were doing it as a favor to the friend, but recently found out that it was actually my husband paying back (with free labor) the money we had borrowed from that friend.

My sons are feeling used by their dad. They are remembering these things from when they were younger and now they are feeling used. And when they are opening up about it and sometimes sharing it with me, I am just coming apart.

It brings me down. I feel very low.

Because they are right. And He has used me too -- many times. I do not want to blame him for all that has gone wrong, but it is just so hard to deny or make excuses for him.

Suddenly I felt the hurt of it all again and I lost all my desire to keep trying to make a home for us, to clean it, to try to keep going.

I think it is the inability to see one's way out, ggfred.

Loss of trust, self-reliance, hope.

My meds for cancer prevention and blood pressure have so many side effects. I get drowsy, dizzy, hot flashes, nauseous, disoriented, depressed.....

so when you say it is too long to explain or that you do not want to go there, that is probably exactly the place you need to go to work it through and get to another place where things can be resolved.

I think my solution is to get back out into the working world AS BEST I CAN and contribute financially to the family right now. And to stop giving in to all the hopeless, helpless, sick feelings.

Because we know in our hearts that we are NOT so much unable as unwilling, that there IS another hope waiting to surge forth if given a little more encouragement. That we ARE capable of producing success and NOT having to give it up.

I think we have to fight for ourselves. If I need to walk away and sit down and tell someone how sad I feel for my sons that their dad was so narcissistic he treated them as an extension of himself and called it love, then I need to do that and not feel guilty for it. I need to forgive myself for not recognizing that my husband felt he had to do things that were not so honest and pure because he was trying to keep things together for his family and he was desperate....so he "fudged" around the edges and let me believe he was all good. And now that I am recognizing some truths, how do I want to deal with it??

Will LEAVING him solve anything? If we suddenly won the lottery and money was no longer an issue, how would our relationships be then?

This little self-analysis has helped me tremendously. I'm going to go back to my project and finish it (stop for a nap if I have to), and then do THREE small things towards my real goals.

I really think it is in the little things, ggfred. You said you've made some little changes because of these threads. Can you talk about what they are??

June 20, 2006
12:34 pm
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ggfred4
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if you wish, nothing to lose///tell me when you start and I'll start typing

June 20, 2006
12:39 pm
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ggfred4
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Brynnie, I can't believe you took the time to write all that...maybe I should start organizing my kitchen!!!
Just having a low day, it too shall pass...I am just tired of these low days...

June 20, 2006
12:54 pm
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chinita
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Hi everyone!!! Well everybody has there ups and downs but that's just how it goes sometimes.

Don't give up gg there is always someone in here that will listen to you and we all try to give opinion's and advice. I myself jump in and out all-day because I'm at work and at home I don't have a computer. So I try to keep up with everyone and read different thread's.

I'm a new booty here also maybe about a week or two and to tell you the truth I Love dawning my problems here because I always get a positive feed-back. People you don't even no listen to you and do the best they can to help you look at it at a different perspective. Also we all take the time to try to feel whatever anybody is going threw and then we all start typing are life away.

I hope you feel better!!!

June 20, 2006
2:06 pm
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2findpeece
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Hey gg,

I did it!

2findpeece

June 20, 2006
2:28 pm
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ggfred4
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I know, I just read it, and responded. I am proud, it takes guts.

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