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Can anyone else relate to this?
April 14, 2004
7:05 pm
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Anonymous
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My bf is driving me crazy. Every time we have an arguement all he does is try to turn things around on me. He does something wrong and then gets mad at me for having a problem w/ it. Then he tries to flip things around in the conversation and confuse me, which is futher irritating b/c I know exactly what he's doing. His ex girlfriends were not exactly bright and they were submissive, so they would end up feeling like they did something wrong. I'm not about to not say what's on my mind. He has so much pride that he can never admit that he's wrong. Of course, he would have to realize that he's wrong and that doesn't happen very often. I'm so irritated by this. Does anyone have any good tips on dealing with this behavior?

April 14, 2004
8:35 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Hi Foggy,,,yep,,,I can relate. I was married to the "Master of Manipulation" for 14 long years.

I used to think it was a male trait to do that. Then I was accused of doing the very same thing only he called it "being defensive."

The way I finally learned to deal with it was that no matter how he tried to turn it around, etc., I would always bring the subject back to the issue I was trying to get resolved. I can't think of any examples because I'm brain dead right now but if I can think of any, I'll post 'em. It really does drive them nuts when you don't accuse them of being wrong but you just keep the subject firmly but calmly where it needs to be and don't let them get you rattled, mad, upset, or let in any other negative emotions which in any way will get you off track.

If you can, and if I can, anyone can, detach yourself emotionally. Look at it as an experiment of a sort. You'll think I'm nuts or you may already think it, but it actually can be fun for you sometimes!!!! They'll try every trick in the book to get the focus off of them and when their little tricks don't work,,,they usually just shut up when they find it isn't working,,,at least that's what mine does. Let me know if you try it. I'd really be interested to know how the tactic works for someone else. Good Luck!!! Be a rock!!!! W.

April 14, 2004
9:00 pm
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I am actually very detached when we argue, which I find to be kind of scary. I feel like I have absolutely no respect when he behaves like this. It's an insult to the fact that I'm trying to work on our relationship and my intelligence. His reply is that this is what he does. He has even laughed about the fact that he does this and can't get over on me.

Our latest argument occurred yesterday. My cousin came into town w/ her children and wanted to invite his son over to play. He said OK and told my family on Easter that he would be there also if he did not have to work. So, the time came to go and I called him. He said that he had to do his taxes. I was like - you had all year to do your taxes and you've known about this for a week. His reply was that he always waits until the last minute to do his taxes, which really isn't the point. So, I didn't feel like arguing w/ him so I asked if he could drop his son off at my house so I could take him. He said that he didn't have time to do that b/c he had to work on his taxes. He wanted me to drive 30 mins out of my way to get his son at his parents house and then drive him back to my bf's house and wait until he got home from doing his taxes. I told him that I couldn't do this b/c I had to work on my thesis. (I took this week off from work to work on it so I can graduate in May.) He said that I should have finished my thesis before and I waited until the last minute, which isn't true I've been working on it for almost a year. I called him an a##h### and he hung up one me. Then I call him back and he says that his son can't go, even though his son and my family had been looking forward to this. He finally agrees to drive him over to my house. He said he didn't agree before b/c I had an attitude problem and he didn't need to be lectured on his taxes. So he tells me that I'm being selfish b/c I didn't want to drive that far out of my way. Of course I was only taking the time out of my schedule to do this for his son and my family. Somehow he thinks he has something to be mad at me for. I haven't talked to him since.

April 14, 2004
10:27 pm
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CAMER
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yes, so many men play the game of
*reverse psychology* when they try
to put the blame on you for something they probably did wrong..you know shift the blame, change the subject make it look like you are the bad one....when he really is....I would sit down and talk with this man and let him know you are not into playing games and
to have an out & out serious conversation and get down to conclusion of the subject.

April 14, 2004
10:29 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Oh,,,I guess I misunderstood. My husband laughs because he can't get this over on me either,,odd?

Well, I'm not much help then. Sounds as if he really is playing games.

He already agreed on all of the plans yet stone-walled you when the time came to carry them out. Plus, kids and family involved in the plans. You're right, the fact that he always waits until the last minute to do taxes wasn't the point at all. He didn't do what he said he would then seemed put out because you wouldn't take up his slack. I don't blame you for not wanting to argue with him. That would get really tiresome after awhile.

I see your point much better now, but have no idea why he's doing it. It's silly and pointless and only causes friction. It almost sounds like he likes to irritate you, for whatever reason. Sorry I couldn't be more help!!! W.

April 15, 2004
12:13 am
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So, I just emailed my bf and asked him if he would like to meet to discuss our issues. I said I wanted to meet in a public place. I'm hoping that it might detour him from his usual crap. I have tried to talk to him about this before, but he's so extremely defensive. I feel like I can't get anywhere. Any tips on how to approach this with him?

April 15, 2004
2:07 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Foggy,

Well - hopefully you are not dating my Father.

I have found the best approach in dealing with him is to be extremely logical in my dealings with him. Very matter of fact, and almost stern. For some reason this seems to work - and amazingly, I seem to be the only one in the family he will actually listen to.

Good luck.

Z.

April 15, 2004
2:30 am
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Zinnie,
That's funny. Sometimes I think I'm dating my father! I'm sure Freud would be all over that last statement. Thanks for the advice. I'm going to try to be very stern w/ him. That is if he agrees to meet me, which I think he will. If he doesn't I guess there's nothing to talk about anyway.

April 15, 2004
2:32 am
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Zinnie
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Hey Foggy,

I think too many times we tend to do that because it is what is comfortable to us.

I know when I married, perhaps unconsciously I married the opposite of my Dad. Worked for me.

Love,

Z.

April 16, 2004
1:44 pm
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Hey Foggy & Confused, (I know no chit-chat...but) on a lighter note:
Congratulations on graduating!
I graduate in June myself.

Good for us!
.................................
Just my humble opinion:
One thing that helps with people like that (and I'm not good at this) is when someone flips the script- to simply let them blow off steam and not insist on convincing them you are right, because you can't! Or at least they won't openly acknowledge it. As a matter of fact, often THEY don't think they are right. Hence the hysterics.
My boyfriend has a touch of this when he is getting high and a lot of this behavior is guilt induced. Usually if I don't throw fuel on the fire, in better times he completely admits the underlying train of thought. So this is no great revealation of mine. It still sucks when it happens.
-ella

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