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Can anybody remind me the "love letter" technique?
May 30, 2005
8:44 am
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InPainZHT
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I can't remember which book- Robin Norwood's or Melody Beattie, or wherever- I saw the technique of writing a "love letter" to help let a person go. Can anybody point me in the right direction or give me the procedure for it?

Thanks....
InPain

May 30, 2005
12:30 pm
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sewunique
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InPain,

I know that many counselors use this technique, it has been offered to me to help heal. Actually, I find journaling and writing here is the most helpful for myself. If I did write the letter(s), I'd probably send them to those persons who hurt me. (My evil twin would).

The idea is to write out exactly what you want to say to that person, or person, being they are alive today, or dead. Say all you wish to say, all that you could never have said, just let it pour forth.

Then seal the letter, but do not send it. Either bury it, tear it up, or burn it.

Some people have said it has worked for them. For myself, as I said, the other forms have been helpful. I guess what fits me is this: I ask; what are my intentions of the letter writing process? Mine has been to actually work out my feelings and hurt with those that hurt me; (I have actually talked to them about the abuse to me); to find a resolve to the pain and suffering; to attain recogniton of the hurt, to finally attain peace with it all. I was only able to achieve that by talking to them. But, it took a long journey. They were my parents. This peace and resolve came when I was in my fourties with my dad, then my mother last year, in my fifties. So, I am a slow learner, lol.

Anyway, you may wish to try the process. It may work for you. I have also seen at gravesites at cemetaries where people have lain a letter to their loved one on the grave, in a plastic bag with a stone on it to secure it. Some people will put a letter in the loved one's casket. We have all seen the memorials of tokens of love and rememberences at gravesites as well. It is a bit different than the letter writing, but not really. It symbolizes giving of ourselves what wew have lost, b e it a death of a loved one or be it a death of robbed freedom of childhood or freedom and self esteem taken away from an abusive situtaion.

Hope this was helpful and I exlpained it well enough. Posting sometimes helps to release emotions needed to ssurface, be they the ugly ones or the good ones, as it helped me here with your post!

Let us know how it turns out for you!!! I wish you the best and much goodness to flow forth past the pain you are trying to relase and let go of.

Sew

May 30, 2005
12:51 pm
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Rasputin
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Sew,

What happens if we send this letter? I once sent a letter of reproach (in a kind way) to a friend of mine. When he read it, at 1st he got mad, but later on he started to work on himself.

So, I think there is no definite answer. It depends on the person. Some people get mad and isolate, others consider it as an opportunity to grow and learn!

So you see, had I refrained from sending off that letter, I wouldn't have encouraged my friend to realize that there is something wrong with him and vice versa.

Since life is made of chances and trials, we have to take a chance, we might lose; but we might also win.

What do you think Sew? Does that make sense???

May 30, 2005
1:14 pm
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sewunique
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Oh, sh*t, Ras, you make me giggle with glee, the evil side of me, the little girl within me, the little professor who wants to come out and play!!!

Have I thought of that same idea many a time. If one really really writes what is on their mind and forgets all social and other boundaries and sends it, what is the outcome? Harm is the result.

No, with that in mind, with MY intentions of writing the letter, alsa, I have never been able to do it.......for that exact reason.

In healing of ourselves, do we wish not to inflict harm upon others, even tho they harmed us? Then we have stooped down a level to their position?

I hold myself in higer regard than that.

BUT, what glee it could be with that idea in mind.......that we wish to send it, but do not send it, ever...........ah, but therein lies your answer Ras, of the therapuetic value of it, does it not?

Love you lady!!!

Sew

May 30, 2005
1:15 pm
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InPainZHT
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sewunique,

thanks, I believe this was the technique I remember reading about. It can be used, if i'm not mistaken, for nearly any problem with a person, it just happens to be very useful for post-breakup depression and anxiety help.

I use to keep a journal wherein I would write down all my largest complaints, problems or issues that were consuming my mind to my greater power. It helped a lot, too; I still sometimes have something tearing my mind up and I feel the compulsion to grab my journal and add to it.

InPain

May 30, 2005
1:25 pm
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sewunique
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So I ask you, Ras, when you sent that letter to your friend.....did you really completely write what all was in your heart to this person?

You wrote, in a kind manner, it still hurt him. Where you, in part, just informing him of his deeds to help him to get assistance to heal? You stated he was upset, but sought out help. Did you two communicate afterwards? Then you have done more than and not exactly as this letterwriting process has been explained to me.

This letter is when you are with feelings and hurt, to let it out and then to destroy the letter, not to destroy that person who hurt you.

As I said, I did alot of talking, soul searching, years of therapy and reading before I was able to heal and forgive and talk to them and others about hurting e. There are other people I still have to work out about other hurts.

I have had counselors who have said I could send it when I have had the same question as you, but they were a bit shaky about actually sending it.

Oh, where is Coda_Mom when we need a bit more of a polished answer?

I just had to explain more and better to your response, Ras. You do implore me to explore myself. Thanks for that.

Sew

May 30, 2005
1:27 pm
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sewunique
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Good going for you, InPain. Yes, journaling helps alot.

And so does this site at AAC!

😉

Sew

May 30, 2005
4:36 pm
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Rasputin
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((((SweetSew))))

As I mentioned before, at first, the guy got upset when he wrote the letter. We did not contact each other, but I believe he is working on his healing and recovery right now. He is very self-conscious and independent man. I really am putting him on a probation period and see how he emerges and progresses in this process. At the end, I will be able to assess him: If he is worth the trouble or not!!!

What do you think?

I STRONGLY believe we need an HONEST FEEDBACK to our loved ones, and from our loved ones. If people respond positively, to me they are smart and worth investing in that relationship and vice versa; if they get angry and decide to boycott us, then I'd better move on.

It is like here when I reply to people or ask for opinions. I always aim at an honest input. Otherwise, it will be waste of time. Right?

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