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Can an addict ever be REALLY trusted????
January 9, 2006
11:07 pm
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nc_mom_of_2
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Do you believe that a Heroin addict who has been to 2 rehab centers and left both voluntarily, has been arrested numerous times and is in jail for the second time could be trusted to tell the truth and not use after 5 years of incarceration?

He swears he is doing classes to learn who he is and how he wants to be a better man and father, but don't all people in jail confess their sins and swear change of heart?

He will get out of prison in 2009, provided he doesn't get parolled.. and wants a relationship with our son, which I have always given him an open door to have, and he chose to not walk through it.

My son is now 4 years and will be 8 years old when he gets out.... Shold I let him get to know him now, or will I be opening myself back up to codependent behaviors to an addict that can never be trusted?

Can an addict ever REALLY be trusted? And is 5 years enough time to change his behavior and response patterns to more healthy and safe alternatives?

Input would be great! Thanks to ALL!!

January 9, 2006
11:55 pm
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Lostrose
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After reading your post I feel lucky that I didn't have to go through all of what your going through. I was involved with a drug addict & we split on Thanksgiving day. We are in contact & he has been staying clean at his parents. I feel if they want to get clean & stay clean they will and I've learned to not enable him which has helped both of us in our recovery (him drug addict & me codependency).

I don't feel by letting him see his son that it will make you codpendent. All your trying to do is what is best for your son. On whether you take him to the prison where he will be is a hard decision to make & only you can make it.

I never trusted my ex when it came to him coming home when he said he would. The only trust I had in him was I knew he wouldn't steal anything of mine to support his habit, he never brought the drugs into my house or used them around me, & he didn't cheat. Right now I can tell by his voice he has quit & changing & now I finally trust his words. If we get back together it will be hard to not step back into the old routine of me enabling & pushy him away. However, this has made me a stronger person by reading self help books & working on MYSELF. Work on yourself & your son & it will make you stronger to deal with him.

January 10, 2006
7:07 am
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lollipop3
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Hi nc,

In my opinion, I would certainly talk to a professional (psychologist) about this. I don't mean to copy Dr.Phil here but I have heard him say many times about this very situation that "when a professional, objective person says he has changed...then you decide"

I happen to agree.

If he really has changed and is telling the truth...he should have no problem that.

Until then, I would be cautious.

Take care,
Lolli

January 10, 2006
7:37 am
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jastypes
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My husband has had a 35 year addiction. We are now in counseling, and I pretty much asked the same question. Our counselor said that it will take my husband having consistent days, weeks and months of being a respectful, loving and honoring husband in order to rebuild the trust. You can't trust someone because they tell you to, or because they tell you they've changed. It will take seeing those changes, consistently, over time.

Unfortunately, I will add here that in the past week my husband hasn't been able to put together a consistent 2 hours of being respectful, loving and honoring.

jill

January 10, 2006
6:52 pm
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nc_mom_of_2
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Lost:

I fully understand what you mean about working on myself and my copendence so tht I will bve stronger to deal with him addiction or not when he gets out for my son's sake. Thank you for reminding me to focus on ME!

Lolli:

Thak you for your objective advice to have HIM see a psychologist. I hadn't given thought to that!

Jasty:

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you have to go through that. I appreciate your reminder that trust takes time and consistency on his part, and not something my copendency can "push" into action in a short anount of time.

Thank you all for your advice in light of your own situations. Thank you for being willing to help another lost traveler along this journey we travel together.

January 11, 2006
1:45 pm
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angel1
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It takes alot of work on everyone involved..I will pray for you..Angel1

January 11, 2006
1:50 pm
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nc_mom_of_2
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Thank you angel. That is the very best gift you could give me..

I will pray for you also.

(((HUGS)))

January 12, 2006
10:31 am
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hopeful for change
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Another Dr Phil quote I like is: The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Until you put time in there to get a new history of good behavior. Well when he says it, it makes sense. Being in prison may change someone tremendously, but the true test will be when he's back in real life and the choices he makes. That's when the new history will start proving itself,in my opinion.

January 13, 2006
3:30 pm
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nc_mom_of_2
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Thank you hopeful. That quote hit home.

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