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Can an abusive relationship be fixed?
April 12, 2007
11:27 pm
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Mz Pain
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I have been in this relationship for about four yrs. and it hasn't been good. I have been threatend to be beaten, choked, stomped, etc.. the list goes on. he has done some of the things that he said he was going to do. I love him, he is the father of my child. But I am tired of wanting to see a change. I want to be with him but now I don't know why. Can counseling help? And if he doesn't think he has a problem then what? I know I should leave but I guess I am afraid to. and I am in turmoil. Please help.

April 12, 2007
11:33 pm
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bevdee
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Mz Pain

"I have been threatend to be beaten, choked, stomped, etc.." and " And if he doesn't think he has a problem then what?"

Cut and run. Take your little child and go. If he doesn't think he has a problem, why bother dragging him to a therapist?

Please get out while you still can. I have lived under that cloud of fear, and believe me, it will kill any notion of "love" you might have toward a man that would destroy your soul by beating, choking or stomping you.

April 12, 2007
11:53 pm
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Mz Pain
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I know, I know but I seem to have this "maybe I can help him complex. And It IS killing me. I put all my energy into trying to stay with him and deal with him, but all it is doing is eating away at me. I love...no, I have love for him and I want to be with the father of my child. he does all this talk. I feel like an idiot because I know that I can't help him, but yet I am still sleeping with him and living with him. I want it to work but I think that I am the only one who wants it to work. I mean he says he has nothing to complain about; that I have been nothing but good to him. so I guess he wouldn't think that anything is wrong if he is happy with the way things are.

April 13, 2007
12:14 am
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bevdee
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"but I seem to have this "maybe I can help him complex." Darlin, you can't. My ex-abuser has gone on to abuse other women. It's unchecked rage. Need to control.

Yeah, I'm sure he has no complaints if he is getting all his needs taken care of and you don't fight back when he whoops up on you, and make it your mission to help him. It sounds like he's got a pretty good gig.

Hey I don't have kids, but I never considered having one with the abuser. I didn't want to bring a child up thinking it was the natural order of things for the woman to get whooped up on. He wanted one real bad, and I always suspected he thought that would "cement" the relationship, give him a hook into me.

Is your abuser drinking or using drugs?

April 13, 2007
1:58 am
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fantas
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MZ. Pain, Consider yourself in a house on fire and you are debating whether you should get your child and run, call 911, or try to put out the fire yourself. You are doing all this while you stir up your dinner on the stove. I was in this situation once and I felt trapped like a fly in a spider web. With me it wasn't a man but my own mother, the feeling is the same though. The lesson I have learned about this is that it is up to you to save yourself. Whether the other person changes is purely up to them. Your only resposibility is to you and your child. Unlike me you have the wherewithal to save yourself. I was young and helpless. Your child like me is young and helpless and is profoundly affected by the actions of your partner whether he abuses you or just threatens to. Call a woman's shelter and they have all the support you need to strengthen you to hold yourself and your child up without this man. You can't make him change, he has to want to. All the best to you.

April 13, 2007
11:12 am
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nappy
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Mz. Pain, before I say anything, please read what you wrote and read it again and again and again.

I can understand now womens in my mother age group saying something like this but in this day and age, womens needs to listen to what they are saying about the man that they claim that they love.
If you stand up and say real loud what you are saying to us on this site, I don't think for one second that you would get anyone to clap there hands. It would be dead silence!

It wouldn't be one moment that I wouldn't be looking to get out from a man that is really saying that he will kill me and not think anything about it. And especially if I have any kids. I don't care if that is the kids father, that don't give him the right to hurt there mother. I don't know your age but I do want to tell you that what you are going through right now, WILL AFFECT your kids in the future.

Who told you that you had to stay and get beat? Who told you that you HAD TO STAY in a abusive relationship and it is up to YOU to fix it? Low self esteem wouldn't have anything to do with it, it would be about MY LIFE.

God didn't say "Mz. Pain, stay with this man and let him beat, choke, stomp, etc. Don't leave him because he is the father of your childrens."
Please stay and take ALL OF THE ABUSE that this man who love you is giving you."

I don't think he wants that for you, god don't want that for anybody. You are a child of god and you are here because you are special. You are not a punching bag. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask that question.

The world is so much open now and there is really no excuse anymore not wanting to get help in a situation that you already know is not good for you. If you stay in that type of relationship it is because you want to not because of that man.
He already knows what he is doing, do you?
Nappy!

April 13, 2007
11:21 am
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revelation
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Mz pain...we ALL had that "Maybe I can help him" thing....I think thats why most of us are here!!!

You CAN'T help him! You CAN'T change him. take it from me...it's not humanly possible for a human being to change another human being. Sure, they can be a good influence, but they CANNOT change a person. The person has to want to change...and that doesn't mean he goes around saying "Oh I really want to change" like my ex did! It means he says "I want to change" and he goes and gets help for his anger problems. Not at anyone else insistance, not because of anyones advice...just because HE himself wants to change.

Now...ask yourself this...if you were in his shoes would you be in a hurry to want to change? I mean...why should he? Behaving the way he has, he has managed to control and manipulate you...he knows you won't leave...he'll always have you there...no matter what...so why would he want to change?

April 13, 2007
11:23 am
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atalose
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"I mean he says he has nothing to complain about; that I have been nothing but good to him."

An abuser can get help but only if the abuser sees he has a problem and wants that help for himself.

That help if saught out will take a very very long time and a major committment on his part to want to get better.

You stated above he has nothing to complain about, then why the abuse??
You can't fix deep deep layers of his issues that would take years of counseling and him wanting that counseling.

Love doesn't have anything to do with stopping abuse, no amount of your love is going to change his thoughts and thinking and behavior.

Do you want your child to repeat the cycle of abuse. Either by accepting bad behavior as you are doing or by giving that bad behavior to there wife or husband?

Children repeat what they see and know not what they are told not to do. They are witnesses of dysfunction, it becomes apart of who they are and who they might become.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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