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Can a psychopath be a controlling caretaker, too?
August 17, 2001
4:26 pm
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ms. T
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I have a friend who dated someone for about a year when she found out that he had been spending long hours at night on the internet chatting with women and checking out personals. His dishonesty about many other issues then came to the forefront, and we have decided that he is practically pathological liar/psychopath, as he feels no shame for his actions, but tries to pretend he is fixing all his problems. When she tried to break it off with him, he cried and said he would get counseling, but his dishonest behavior has not changed at all. He not only has financially ruined her, but he hasn't learned a lesson from his experience. He won't let go; he insists on taking her car to have it serviced, working on things at her new house, etc., even though she has made it clear that they're not dating. I have told her that she is allowing him to be a controlling caretaker by continuing to let him handle things for her that she should be able to handle for herself as a single mother. Is it possible that I'm right? Could he be a psychopath and a controlling caretaker, and what on earth can I do to help her? It is very difficult to sit back and watch her repeat mistakes.

August 17, 2001
4:44 pm
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Cici
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Ok, codependency alert.

Your friend is responsible for herself and setting her own boundaries. He isn't just barging into her life and doing things for her - she is allowing him to do those things.

The first and foremost thing that every adult needs to do is take responsibility and control of their own lives.

You can't do anything to help her, she can only help herself. Unless there is the threat of violence or immediate danger to her, in which case you could alert the authorities, you can't force her to do anything to change her life. You can only help her out once she decides to change his influence in her life on her own.

August 17, 2001
5:01 pm
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panda
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Tell her to read my post about lieing, cheating, etc.
I have come to the conclusion the guy was dating is a complete psychopath and compulsive liar. He also talks to girls online and makes up his own story for each and every one of them! he makes up his life and he goes along. The girls he talked to on the net he would say He broke up with his girlfriend in Jan. Me and him only broke up one month ago! I would catch him reading emails from random girls but he would say they were from a friend and i would never quite get to read them
He had a WHOLE seperate account just to talk to the other women.. seperated by the account he talked to me on! Crazy? I think so. because even when i caught him in his lies.. He denied them all. He had a long excuse for all of them that If I hadn't known he'd cheated on me.. I would probably beleieve! That is how decieving he is. He would say.. well if i didnt plan to change why would i ask you to come live with me? If i wasnt going to change why would i buy you a car? He offered me the world. And All i wanted was honesty. He has no remorse at all for what he does. Sound familiar to your friends situation? She needs to just get away from him. He will never change if he went back to his old ways one time, He will ALWAYS return to them.

August 17, 2001
5:03 pm
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Ladeska
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Ms. T. - You're probably right on. Sounds like it to me. And you're right about she's allowing it. He knows that, too. As long as she does this - he's going to feed on her like any predator would. It's food and quite an easy target.

Not sure what to tell you other than -people like her usually feel like they need to earn love from a man like this and go through hell because for some reason - they deserve it.

That usually...goes back to childhood and is a pattern that got set in her a long time ago regarding a male authority figure that was a very dysfunctional relationship with her and hurt her badly. Therefore, she will go through life trying to fix it, trying to be whatever so that - with this man - she will finally cure whatever ills he has - be the reason he finally miraculously wakes up, changes, loves her like a rock and we all go off into the sunset together picking tulips.

It's a child's belief system, that's why it sounds so immature. It is. It's the way a child thinks - but is taken into adulthood as "law". Even though - she may be very responsible/mature in other areas. In this one area - she may be very, very young...

It's a hard template/pattern to just pick up and discard and replace. People aren't going to until they really, really realize what they are doing and get diligent about moving away from it and replacing it with truth. They also aren't going to let go easy because it's the only way of operating for them, so they feel freaked out without it. It's familiar and their only way of living for how many years? So, they have to let go slowly and latch onto the healthy slowly... They feel vulnerable and unsafe even though what they cling to - will kill them. It's the only blankie they have ever had/known.

Sure she's going to feel compelled to do this, set up the dominoes, have them fall on her head and then go - what the heck??? and mean it, honestly not know why? That's a real deal. And she will keep putting herself in the line of fire until - she does realize what she's doing and what it's all made up of. Courage is required for this little journey...the willingness to put things together - wrongly and come up with assumptions that are very, very unhealthy and yet she will have trained herself to accept them as good and wholesome, thus ringing the green bell for the poison cheese everytime....all the time labeling it in her mind - as food.

My question to her would be - does she want help? Otherwise, you are wasting your breath. Sometimes, people have to hurt really, really bad before.....there's a window open in their being to hear anything from anyone. Basically - she has to reach out and I'm afraid you can't do alot to make her want to do that. Just depends on how much fire she can stand before she either makes herself a total sacrifice or pulls away from it. Have her read this, maybe she will want to talk....

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