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Can a codependent be in a relationship with another another codependent?
March 18, 2010
12:12 pm
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Mcc80
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Hello I'm new here, I've been doing a lot of reading, and I'm very pleased to find more information about myself and my problem. I can anser yes to 50% of the codependent questions, but I would also answer guess that my girlfriend would as well. A bit of background, I moved abroad after college, and was enjoying a fairly destructive period in my life, when I met another expat who encouraged me to stop abusing alcohol so much. I still do drink but it is on a very social basis, no longer trying to drink a much beer as possible, a few glasses of wine is nice.

Anyway we are soon to hit our 3 year aniversery, and we are discussing the possibility of a break-up. She says I'm very controling, and that we don't have healthy boundries. I tend to agree, but I also see similar tendencies in her. That is too say, in some cases i'm controling, and others she is. I have massive hang ups about communicating, I find that I don't even know what my feelings are, and I would prefer to deny them. This is when she becomes controling, widely angry, and verbally abusive. When this happens my mind blocks me from thinking coherntly, which makes the situation worse since I can't express my feelings.

So basically the way I see it, I'm codependent because I have an aversion to expressing and identifying my feelings, and terrified to cause a problem in general (don't rock the boat sort of thing).

I see her as a possible codependent person, because she is controling, verbally abusive, quick to rage, and has been trying to fix me for sometime now.

We were trying to seperate things a bit then she had a near-death experience in December, and so for 3 months I supported her, I took care of her, and we both recognize I felt fulfilled doing that, and I see my codependent nature that I am upset that after all I've done she wants to spend less time with me.

I think we both are starting to recognize our short comings, and we want to try to work things out by becoming more independent from each other, and fulfill our own needs first. What I want to know is this impossible, she is considering ending the relationship if it does not get better, I really want to save it, I hope by coming here I've taken some step towards doing that. But I wonder if you can't self-heal with another person, if I will just make her progress more difficult and vica versa.

March 18, 2010
2:43 pm
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CAMER
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hi, i think you both need to have your own life, your own goals, your own hobbies, and work on making yourself a better person....and only you can do that.

Why not try some local coda meetings (by yourself)....read some good coda books and work on having a healthy relationship. It may be difficult with 2 coda people trying to get better together, cuz alot of enabling may come into play.

Try to let go of the other person, and work on yourself and her on herself.

keep posting, it helps

March 18, 2010
8:47 pm
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Mugsie
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I read this in a book a few years back..."If you are with someone who feels they need to change you, then they don't really like or respect who you are."
Not to sound harsh but that has always stuck in my head and it seems to make sense to me.

March 19, 2010
3:34 am
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dudeguy
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i don't think that's such a good idea.

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