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Camer: Wondering how your situation is?
January 20, 2005
9:05 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi 🙂

I have been thinking about you and P..Is that still an ongoing relationship? If so (and of course I respect you if you dont feel ok talking about it) How is it going? Are you doing well in that respect?

Hugs,

Sunny

January 20, 2005
9:16 pm
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workinonit
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I'm wondering too Camer. Last I heard you were going through some issues. Have things gotten better? Are your boundaries still in place?

Thinkink of you honey. And thank you for your words yesterday. I'm not one to do the poor me thread very often but I needed it this time!! I guess I'd rather try to help and learn from what others post.

Thanks honey and be good to my gangerbangercamer!!!!

January 20, 2005
9:22 pm
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She will, I'm sure!!! I can't help but wonder ya know? Hoping all is well with her.

Hugs to you both!!!!

Sunny 🙂

January 20, 2005
9:30 pm
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workinonit
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Don't worry Sunny it gives you wrinkles!

January 20, 2005
9:36 pm
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Geesh! Do I know that! But hey...I am assured from L'Oreal that the refinishing kit I bought actually works! Sorry to say, NOT! Think I will save up for the really good one, the mother of all: La Prairie..I used it for years, believe me it works miracles!!!

January 20, 2005
9:51 pm
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CAMER
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aaahhh this is about me!!! yikes!!!! I hate threads about me, that means i have to start talking and venting!! and yes, its good.

Ok, time for me to fess up....Sunny not sure if I ever told you about Paul, but I did have a few "issues" with him!! he smokes pot and doesn't have much religious beleifs....this kinda put a damper on me... He has been smoking pot since he was 15 y/o and thinks nothing of getting stoned...he smokes probably 2x per month give or take?????? so he tells me, and I asked him if he believes in God and he said not really, and we had issues about this. I guess with me NOT being a pot smoker, it kinda bothers me, I am not a prude, its just I wanted to find a man who
was "drug free"....and yes, I get the feedback that pot is not bad, but it is illegal, and its no different than drinking..blah blah....its just I don't smoke the stuff so it bugs me. Then, I was thinking if we were together down the road, if he would go to church with me maybe once per month or so...and he kinda frowned on this.

I myself, am reading a new bible and have been since Jan 1st, its a 365 day bible with new & old test. & i just want to connect more with God...and whatever Pauls beliefs are won't stop me from this. Paul doesn't bash me on my bible reading or going to Coda meetings....he just doesnt' do this stuff himself.

WE promised not to talk for one week straight cuz we got into a heated argument about this....and I broke down, I called him after a few day, I felt like we could somehow compromise....so then we decided to
start fresh...whatever that means...and be friends first....and I don't know I feel weird still. I like him, then I don't then I do, etc....not sure what is going on in this head of mine.

Thats all for me, so I am basically taking things one day.

Any feedback or anything is greatly appreciated, Workin, i know you responded to this thread "Spiritual gal and non believer"...lots of postings were made to it & thank you both for all you do!!

love ya!

January 20, 2005
9:52 pm
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workinonit
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I used to do hair for a living so I'm a color snob. Only pro stuff for me but what else did you expect?!!! LOL

Probably why I attract these younger ones...hmmmmmm...should I let my hair go gray?.......NAH!

January 20, 2005
10:10 pm
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art angel
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Camer,

Sorry, can I butt in here for a sec? I just read your post about Paul and his pot smoking....and it really hit home with me. Camer, it's totally OK that his pot smoking bugs you!!! I felt the same way during my relationship. My ex smoked daily and I hated it. I think relationships are hard enough without throwing drug use in there, so I want someone drug free too. Anyway I just wanted to say this cause I have such strong feelings on the situation since my ex made me feel like less of a person for caring about the issue, which, in reality, was caring about HIM and his health. The taking it a day at a time is a good idea. You know what's goin on! Keep readin, learnin and bein YOU! I love you!

art

January 20, 2005
10:27 pm
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CAMER
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((((((awwwwww Art Angel))))))))))) you are my angel!!! thanks so much for your kind words....and I guess with society, i here so many different opinions on pot........and its true, i should not care what others think, some people like smoking the stuff, i don't and I guess I should not feel weird if I want someone who is drug free. I just hate having Paul tell me that pot is not a drug, its like drinking....well pot is illegal here in Massachusetts and you can get arrested for it.

Angel, thanks so much for posting, and again, these threads are for everyone, so join in on any of them, i always like hearing from you and your insight, and I guess we both have the same qualities that we are looking for in a man, drug free...now if i can just get that into my head and do something about it with this relationship, its just i think i am letting it pass by for now, cuz of all the other nice things Paul does for me.....arrrrggg, this coda stuff is such a work in progress!!!

Honey thanks again for posting & I love you too!!!!

Camer

January 20, 2005
10:51 pm
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art angel
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Anytime, Camer! I always love posting with you. You are so giving and a great person and friend!!

love and hugs,

((((((art angel))))))

January 20, 2005
11:04 pm
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on my way
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Camer, not hurting enough to think of you as well. Will keep you in my prayers!!

January 20, 2005
11:10 pm
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Camer,

You are so right, you hardly ever post a new thread about yourself. Time you did? Anywhay, I totally agree with your issues about this Paul. You have your standards and your own values and should respect youreself for sticking by them. Good for you!!!

You have also been working so hard on your boundaries. If you are feeling uncomfortable about him, then there is a reason for it. Your such a fun gal, there is no reason you have to keep this guy, or if you want to keep him as friends ans see if things work out or untill someone else comes along, so be it. That is your choice, you know. You seem to have a pretty good head for summing things up. I know, our feelings can really muddle things up sometimes.

Another thing, someone just called you a 'modern woman' the other day in one of the posts. You do seem to be pretty much that way, but you do not seem to be prudish or to pollyanna about the dating scene. I read your posts and learn much from you as a younger woman and today's world!

And it is good to see you posting like this, wether yu're timid about writing about yourself or not. Keep posting, as you always say!

That first day I posted here, you were one of three or so that was right there posting back and welcoming me. That I will nver forget, Camer, you are are always there for everyone, as we are for you.

(((((hugs)))))))))

Sew

January 20, 2005
11:23 pm
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CAMER
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(((SEW)))) thanks so much for your kindest words!!! and yes, I try to be logical and try to do the right thing...but now I feel a lil' stuck!!! but when I log onto this group and do get feedback I feel so much better. And Sew, you too are an inspiration in my life, and I do remember when you first came into this group a few months back and you seem like a really kind, sweet, gal!!! you really do. I guess it just seems like I still am struggling just a lil bit, I still keep myself #1, I still pray to God daily, and my thoughts on drugs, whether it be pot or something else, its just not part of my life..maybe if I keep telling myself over and over I will get it, and have the strenght to move forward....i just feel like I am losing a good friend too in the process. So for now, I take things one day at a time...and I told Paul I can't promise him anything, and he knows I am working on me...just sometimes I feel so weak and know what I should do, then
crumble and don't do it....Wow, looks like I did a lil' venting!!!! thanks so much Sew for being an inspiration in this group, and thanks for your kindness and friendship, it does mean alot to me!!!

((((hugs, love and prayers)))) Camer

January 20, 2005
11:41 pm
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Camer,

Isn't it strange how our words draw pictures of how/who we are?

Thank you for those sweet things, as ever, from you.

It is most interesting to see you in this predicament, posting about YOU, it makes me smile, really! You really are strong. Just wish we could order some good guy for you and others here (or gals for the guys)!

When I think of you, I remember your infamous "wrap your arms around yourself for a hug" lines. sounds so silly, but it works!

I will be eager to see you post, tho this ole gal might not have much to say and to respond back about the dating scene, but I'll be here reading!

((((hugs))))back atcha'

Sew

January 21, 2005
12:09 am
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Oh goodness first time here. Have been seaching 4 a warm place to chat (due to some very sad stuff going on). BUT, first.... cannot ignor you, Crammer. You are welcome to decide I'm just full of it...and I just may be wrong. However! I can't imagine you ever finding any harmony, support or honesty in your life with your pot smoking boyfriend. At least, you haven't married the guy you describe cuz I did marry one and it was so lonely---the worst loneliness is having someone completely that is completely unavailable. I believe what I learned from life's experiences, and our now adult children. is--no one can make you feel more needed or replace you more quickly, he can't ever have a "power higher" than that just twice monthly joint, and while you are living a life of awareness with goals.. you won't get to ever know the beauty you give off from those who admire and need people just like you... because the person in the fog is blocking your view. It is much more than the pot and not believing in God---those two will make for only sad memories when you reach those rocking-chair-only reflections of days gone by. Best wishes to you.

January 21, 2005
1:48 am
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workinonit
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Camer, I have to agree here. Pot is an addictive habit. People i know who do this are avoiding there life. No ambition, low self worth etc.

I too see you as someone like me who is not raising the bar! Where did you meet him? I met Eric at a birthday party but it was at a local club. Bar thing. I am not going to meet someone this way again.

I wanted to call tonight but didn't. I keep thinking, if I know what I want and I know he isn't that, what would I call him for?

Do you think this too Camer? Codep keeps us stuck in things we have no business being in. Ever have that surreal feeling like, what the hell is this? What am I doing here? I can tell from all the osts I've read, when you get real about you, this is a feeling you are familiar with. Think deeply Camer and decide how you are gong to change this. You are in charge remember? I feel you and what I feel is you are settling for the same pattern and deep down it confuses you too.

Let me now if this is wrong. It could be but Camer, BE GOOD TO YOU!

((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

January 21, 2005
7:23 am
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Camer,

I'm not gonna get deep into my situation again coz you know it. But, just a word of....if her were to quit smoking the pot, which you say he won't, then what will he use as a vice. My hubby has not smoked since last July so he says, but now he's drinkin beer every night when he gets home. That's not a bad thing to have a beer once in awhile, and he had said "I'll only have one a few times a week". Well, it's turned into daily and my daughter sees it sitting there. I think it's a bad example for my child. That's not what I was getting to. What I am getting to is that P has to have a vice and he WON"T quit it. So what happens later? Heavier drugs? Alcohol if he does quit? Folks that do drugs or drink...when they quit they go for some other vice. I don't understand why, but they do.

January 21, 2005
9:04 am
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CAMER
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Kid, welcome and thansk so much for posting!!! and yes, I know i need to do something, and yes, i kinda feel stuck....what my problem is is that yes Paul smokes pot...and I keep saying am I going to let the "pot" get in the way of the way he treats me....he is kind, considerate, honest, caring, treats me great, gives me space, doesn't have a bad bone in his body....till I bring up the pot and the religion......hmmmmm, sometimes i think that i am throwing away a good guy, and that i expect the "perfect guy".....makes me wonder....thanks for your input..I am still praying to God daily and keeping him in my life, i just hope I wake up one day and not feel confused...I think soon enough things will come to head and i will have to decide. Cuz deep down I know I don't like the pot, I just feel like a stickler for saying i don't want to be with him cuz he smokes pot 2x per month??? see, I am basing this off of what I think others would think of this..thats part of my coda!!! (((Kid))) thanks so much for your kind words!!!

Sew, thanks for mentioning the "wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug"...i love that!! and i like to tell people that, its about
self love and caring for yourself.thanks again ((((sew))) for being there for me.

And my ((((workin)))) hmmm, you read my birthdate and things about how changes that will effect me this first part of the year, and I too think that yes, i will wake up and decide to end it for me, and not worry about him. And yes, i too feel like I am settling..and I too feel like I am making a big deal about pot and religion...but who cares, this is about me, not what the whole world thinks, and that is my coda problem, trying to please the whole world...and I met him at a party in August, he is my friends cousin...nice guy, treats me good, smokes pot and doesn't have alot of religion.(((thanks Workin)))

Mama, my sweet woman, thanks again for your insight, i should just go back and re read the thread I posted weeks ago, to refresh my memory. See I went to my Coda meeting last week and one of the girls is involved with a man who smokes but, but she too told me she sometimes smokes it, and says it isn't >>as bad as society has
it played out to be, <

January 21, 2005
9:48 am
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Hey Cam,
How are you girl? If you would indulge me I'd like to contribute my 2 cents. I am in agreement with everything everyone has contributed so far. The one thing about an addiction is that when confronted with rationale and reason why a behavior is not acceptable the addict will dig in and provide you with their own form of rationale and reasoning which makes it hard for either person to advance to any type of compromise.

My suggestion (and that's all it is is a suggestion) is ask him "what do I do that you don't like"? I know there has to be something that he'd want you to change as well. You then both have a commonality from which to build upon. Most people when confronted with their own issue all of a sudden remember all your faults a well. At this point whatever he comes up with (be it rational or perceived) you have to be willing to compromise to a certain extent and try and change (if resonable). You make that determination. At this point then you can honestly say I'm willing to make changes for the good of the relationship (committment). Then you have leverage to ask him to discontinue his usage because you're not willing to live with the addiction.

After you do this it is my belief that if he's still not willing to give up the weed you will know where the relationship stands. The hard part about this is that you have to be introspective with yourself and say "I'm willing to make compromises" as long as there is receprication.

In regards to his non-belief in god (I don't wish to be judgemental, just my take) I would have a real problem with the fact that his "god's" real name is "Cannabis Sativa". I know deep down inside you're diluting youself if you believe he's only using a couple times per week. If that was the case stopping shouldn't ba an issue. And while the use of drugs (recreational or chronic) has one goal, the escape from reality it isn't your responsibility to fix him. You need to seriously ask yourself is this relationship really worth it. My prayers are with you.

-Cactus

January 21, 2005
10:24 am
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CAMER
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Cactus baby!!! thanks for your input and yes, i like to hear everyones opinion whether good or bad...and its funny about 99% of the advice people gave was not to put up with his pot smoking & non religious beliefs......so why do i have such a hard time just ending it??? hmmmm, i think i would regret tossing out a "good guy" and thinking of the would haves and could haves...and again, i would get mad at myself for thinking that i am looking for a perfect person, which I am not. I am looking for a stable person, someone who treats me good, someone who has religious beliefs, and someone who
doesn't have addictions (wheter its pot, booze, or gambling, dont' want any of this)and most important, treats me good. So Paul does have a few of these qualities, just not all............arrrrrggg, i sometimes feel weak! like right now. But you know something Cactus, everything you said is so true!!!! and i greatly appreciate all of your input....Now its time for me to do some serious thinking and not let myself "slip back" into my old coda ways. Working told me the same thing....and Ineed to listen. Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and have everything better, I think I am more scared of
"breaking up" with a nice guy.

I know I am rambling ((((Cactus))) thanks again, your advice is always so
good and I appreciate all that you have said....and I do, I have to start digging deep in my soul and get some answers.

Love, Camer

January 21, 2005
10:54 am
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Hi Camer - Your sentence of: scared of breaking up with a nice guy. That's exactly how I felt. Why couldn't I just overlook his one little fault of gambling, because he was so damn nice to me. But the big picture is he's got no credit, no good job, no real friends, no connection with family, not even any possessions except a few clothes at 50 years of age - God, I could go on and on, BUT ------ get this ----he's nice to me. Everyone could see he was not a nice guy except me. They're NOT NICE if they're making us feel sad. It's not love if we have to be on a rollercoaster of them leaving, us crying - the circle of abuse: blow-up, honeymoon, build-up, blow-up. DAMMIT I want to get that thru my thick skull that he's no good. I know you're still with Paul and it's hard to end it. Although I don't have much strength to give you right now, my thoughts are with you. You take care of yourself.

January 21, 2005
11:23 am
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CAMER
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(((thanks Msguud))))yes, maybe if we keep telling ourselves this, it will sink in...I still have the pot/religion in the back of my head, and letting all the "niceness" cover it up. Thanks for sharing, and know that you are not alone...we will get thru this!!

January 21, 2005
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hi camer just reading all the threads and felt you thought you were being a bit extreme i am a christian and it really does hurt when you want your partner to go to church and give somthing up.
you feel like your outta touch in a way: not cool:
i made a stand of no drugs in my house years ago but it only worked when i left im not against it its about boundaries and if it makes you feel uncomfartable your gut feeling will tell you and this means for you this is wrong dont feel guilty about it
when i lived with my ex he was dealing from my home and me being really soft let it all go on
my faith has kept me strong and the best thing i did was to write down a list of what i liked myself i did this a few years ago and started it with somthing simple like what is my favorite colour what food do i like music clothes music the whole lot a few years a go i could not write an answer to any of these as i did not know what i liked at all or who i was
now i can say yeah i like this and that and name them i feel this is a great thing to do and suprising as we discover what things we do like and it can be a shock like knowing a new person
i feel your doing great keep going your strong and ill pray for you
have you read the refiners fire? story it really touches me when i read it i dont know the whole words but if you type in .refiners fire story. it will come up on the web it shows me that yes all this is making me strongeer and able to help others in the future with theses same difficulties
im starting my first coda group tomorrow
bit scary but i know i need it
x angie keep you posted

January 21, 2005
2:21 pm
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CAMER
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(((Angie/Simpson)))thanks so much for your words...and i guess I should make my wants and needs more important. And thanks for the website you listed, i am going to check it out now...Gosh, i got so many responses and yes, i know what i have to do, but i feel
"frozen"...I have so much support here it is incredible!!

And have fun at your 1st coda meeting...I love mine, and still am going after 3 years!!

Thank you again for your kind words...now I need to get the strength to walk away from him...I will keep you all posted.

love, camer

January 21, 2005
10:50 pm
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My Dear Camer,

I will answer tomorrow I promise! I posted the thread and I am thinking on it, ok? I'm just trying to absorb it all and think it through. And I'm not feeling well. I am ok, and I hope you are!
In the morning, and much love!

Sunny, with huge hugs!!

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