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Camer got a sec?
June 23, 2004
10:46 pm
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Hi Camer!! I think you might be on here the same time I am because you have been posting recently.. šŸ˜‰

I am glad to hear you are feeling better and had a nice evening.. I think it is neat we handle rough days a lot in the same ways..
I tend to hold tension in my shoulders, neck and my lower back.. My shoulders get so tense I can walk around for days with a headache.. Sometimes I will light a couple of candles and take a bath as hot as I can stand it.. As I sink down and let my shoulders feel the hot water I can actually feel a release from my temples.. Wow depending on how tense I am it might not last after I get out of the tub but while I am soaking I can feel imediate relief.. It is great.. I also like to read my coda books.. Sometimes just changing my perspective on things going on in my life makes a huge diffrence..

As far as my kids well yes my ex is the father of all of them.. And my 2nd husband has two of his own.. Which I love as my own.. His daughter and I are probably closer than she and he are because she wants a woman in her life.. I'm it.. She has a mom but that's another story. No I dont plan of having kids with him.. Because we have enough already. I had thought about it at one time. But to be honest there are so many things that I am working on in the marriage it would not be fair to our children or the unborn one to have another.. And by the time I work through all of this if ever I would not want to have a child.. Having children, a full-time job, a husband and another full-time job keeping house and cooking it makes it hard to work on me anyway.. And I have to in order to keep my sanity.. It can be really difficult at times.. It can be rewarding too..
I guess that's why in your situation I don't think you are as far off track as you think you are.. I wish I could have learned to love myself and take care of me and know what I wanted before I married and had children.. I would have preferred to be on the route you are on.. But I am not so I make the best of it now.. In my eyes when that special person does come into your life you will have so much more to offer because of where you are with yourself.. I admire that.. very much..

I am glad that you enjoy talking to me as much as I do you.. It is wonderful when you enjoy someone and they return the feeling..

Ohhh do you journal? I was just curious that is one of my releases.. I'll tell you something kind of funny.. I have this book bag that I carry a bunch of coda stuff in and about 10 notebooks that I have written it.. I carry it with me all the time. I have asked my husband not to look in it or read anything because it is my journals. I carry it with me because there is so much personal stuff written in there.. wow.. I don't know what I would do if someone read it.. I tried journaling on-line but it wasn't near as healing as writing.. Some nights I can write for hours.. It is a release for me.. Just wondering if you have or do that?

I think it's great that you know how to balance your life too. Sometimes I really struggle with that.. I tend to absorb myself in my husband.. I am trying to learn to go out and do things without him. I used to and since we started living together. We lived together 6 months before we married.. I have found it difficult to have a life without him. And I know I need to.. I start becoming so attached I lose sight of the rest of my life.. And find myself in the codependent crazies..

Thanks for the Hugs I really appreciate them. And I can tell when you write it is with lots of love.. The same goes for me..
Hope you have a great day tomorrow..
Hugs!!! Hugs!!! and one more Hug!!!

June 24, 2004
7:16 am
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hi *smiles* thanks for sharing, and wow you do have your hands full with 5 children between you and your hubby!!

As for journaling, yes, I used to keep a journal for about 2 years, each day I would write down my feelings, I still have one journal for years ago under my bed, I like to re read it often and see the feelings I was going thru. I eventually stopped using the journal about 2 1/2 years ago. Maybe I should get back to writing in it, it
helps me alot. And I think journaling is a good thing, a personal thing where you can write whatever you feel and the feelings and writings are so real.

I can understand when you say you
absorb yourself in your hubby, I too
have done that alot, its not until I was alone that I learned that I can still live life whether there is a man in it or not....but again, if I had a new boyfriend or someone I cared for I think I could absorb myself alot into him. Have you ever tried doing things on your own, say going to the movies or shopping or hanging out with friends??? sometimes its good to just get away and enjoy your own time. And *smiles* in no way am I saying this to you in any bad way, just a suggestive way, I guess I sometimes don't want you to think that I think what your doing is bad, if that makes sense!

Have to get ready to leave now for work, will chat later!!!

(((w/hugs and love.........Camer))))

June 24, 2004
10:52 pm
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Hi Camer!!!
How was your day anthing exciting happening? Or anything you want to talk about?

I just wrote you a really long message and I hit something and it erased the whole darn thing..

Anyway I was telling you that I went to a funeral today. One of my co-workers mothers passed away. I didn't know her but wanted to support my co-worker and she was also there at my mom's funeral.. I am really missing my brother.. He lives in Tenn. and we stay in touch but he and his wife just had a baby 2 months ago and I have been able to go see her yet.. We live 13 hours away from each other.. Life is just too short. I want to be a part of my nieces life.. And be there for her.. I don't want to have any regrets.. I have two sisters but they are young 17 and 19 and I wasn't in touch with them for 12 years up until a year ago. Which is a long story I will tell you about sometime if you want to know.. See my brother is the only person who hasn't abandoned me. My mom had several times through out her life.. I want to be closer to my brother and us be able to do things together.. I love him sooo much..

So what about you where are your parents? Do you have any brothers or sisters? If so how many? Are you close?

As far as the Journaling what is great about that is you can think or feel what ever you want and it's safe to do so. You can let everything out you need to.. Without fear of anyone elses opinion.. It helps me a lot..

As far as me going shopping alone well do go without him but usually take a few of the kids.. I have gone to see my friend 3 hours away for the weekend just not often.. I talked to my counselour about it today and she said to remind myself of all the positives that come from seperating myself from hubby..
I was like you too when I didn't have a relationship I felt good.. I lived my life.. I wasn't just present for it.. Actually that's the best I felt my entire life.. But now.. well.. I think a lot of it is my fear of abandonment.. I didn't get a lot of my needs met as a child and now stuggle to find them in hubby. Which isn't realistic and sets me up to be disapointed because we are all human and make mistakes.. I can reconize this just need to learn not be so needy.. I don't like being needy..

June 24, 2004
10:53 pm
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Sorry can't believe I forgot the hugs.. Can you ever forgive me?
HUGS!!!! with my love šŸ˜‰
Lots and lots of hugs..
I hope you have a great day..

June 24, 2004
11:26 pm
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hi smiles!!! thats great that you are so close with your brother, and wanting to be a good aunt to his newborn, that is sooo good!!!

I have a brother and sister, my brother is married and no kids yet, and my sister is single. My parents are married and have been since we were born. They live about an hour away from me, and my brother a lil bit further away. My sis is only 20 minutes away, I am really close to all of my family, which is nice. I guess when I was younger I was very needy, looking for attention that I never got, and always tried to find it in the men I was dating.

Smiles, one of my biggest fears is fear of the "unknown", not knowing what I will be doing say next week, besides the regular working etc, but as far as men, who knows, don't know if I will meet someone, kinda get lonely now since I was dating and saw so many red flags, that I ended up ending all of the relationships...but it was nice to just get out and have companionship.
What I miss the most is cuddling up at nite, i have been sleeping alone for 1 year and 9 months, and I miss
doing that with my last boyfriend, just the closeness we had, and all that good stuff. I guess someday, when I least expect it (so they say) it will happen.

I am off work 2morrow, yippee!!!! just going to sleep late, work out, and go "bathing suit shopping" arrrrggg, I hate the dressing room lights, they are so nasty!!! but I have to do it, I want to buy an nice
"tankini" suit and be proud of my body,not that it is the greatest, and yes it needs work, but its high time I start taking some pride in me!

Have a wonderful nite!!! hope all is going well with you and your hubby, I am always here if you need to talk!!! nitey nite to your kids and the Ozzy, Shania, and Puter....I love pets!!!! total animal lover!!!!

till 2morrow, w/hugs and love, Camer

June 25, 2004
8:18 pm
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hi smiles, its me again, Friday nite, just hanging in by my lonesome...I ok with that, but here is my dilema now...that man that I was dating who liked to dabble with the cocaine and into racetracks weekly, we didn't talk for 10 days, and he called out of the blue, got my voice mail, so nicely I call him back, with every intention of breaking up with him, I call him back and he starts telling me how he hurt his back, bad enought to get rushed to the hospital by ambulance and how he has been bed ridden for the past 3 days and will be for 2 more, I felt sooo bad for him, then he tells me his wife (ex) he is not divorced yet...is pregnant by another man....Smiles, i did not have the heart to tell him I do not want to continue this relationship, one good thing is I havenet seen him
physically in 2 wks and we only talked once on the phone since...Seeing he has so much on his plate with his back and his wife....how do I break the bad news to him!!! I kinda just left it that I hope he gets better and I'll call again this weekend, with no hints or ideas that we will be going out...please help me, I feel so weak and feel like I am going to hurt this man.

Other than that, I hope you had yourself a really good day, and I hope all is well with you and your hubby.

Thanks for listening!!! and thanks for any advice!!!

hugs & love, camer

June 25, 2004
8:56 pm
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HI Camer.. Sorry to hear you are having a hard time.. I can understand why you don't want to say anything right now.. I guess what I am wondering is if you two didn't talk for ten days, have you ever gone that long without talking before you made up your mind not to see him anymore?
The reason I ask is because If you hadn't it sounds like he may have know that already but since you hadn't really made it offical and he is down and out he thought he could get you to come around.. I am not saying he is using you but it does sound that way some..
I know it's hard.. We are a lot a like in that area.. It is so hard to set boundaries without risking that it will hurt someone.. And you are not hateful by nature..
I guess to me the best thing would be to tell him that you have things going on in your life you are trying to work out and need some space for awhile. That way you are blaming him. You are putting the focus on you instead of him.. Do you think that will work.. And just because you have talked to him on the phone doesn't mean it isn't over.. I would suggest you do what you need to not to see him in person.. With his behaviors with the races and the drugs.. He could very well be the type of person that can end up hurting you.. I know that you know from past experience while he is continuing these behaviors he will not be emotionally available..
That or I know this might seem like a chicken way to handle it but if you find yourself struggling with telling him you could just not answer his calls. Does he live close where you might bump into him??
I just want you to do what ever it takes to take care of yourself.. It also isn't a good sign that you are already more concerned about his feelings than your own.. You are to great of a person to do that.. You deserve the best and you have worked hard to get where you are today to have him mess it up. I guess I worry to because you have been lonley and that can be a scary place to be when you are trying to set boundaries.. Please keep me posted.. Write as much as you want.. it's the weekend so I will check in to see how you are through out the weekend and if you need to talk.. I am here.. šŸ˜‰
Also did you enjoy your Friday off?

June 25, 2004
8:58 pm
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That was supposed to read you are NOT blaming him.. sorry

Hugs and lots of love!!!

June 25, 2004
9:43 pm
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smiles!!!! thanks so much, and you are so right, i am more worried about HIM, breaking it off with him than I am for my own well being!!! call me still coda!!! always worried about his feelings instead of my own, and I have to get real with myself be honest with me, it makes it so much easier to pick up that phone and tell him the truth, but of course, no I felt bad for the guy, well what about me, I do not want to persue this, I do not want addictions in my relationship, gosh, I have to think of me..........**smiles*** huge hugs to you girl!!!! you put some words into my head, thanks so much....I will call him this weekend and tell him the bad news, and when I do, I will let you know how it all pans out, I can't be afraid, afraid of what??? afraid to hurt him??? when all in all I will be hurt cuz he has addictions that are still active...wow its so easy to say, but to do, wow, much harder, I am going to pray to God 1st b4 I call him and have strength, I know I can do this, and when I do, I will be so proud of myself!!! smiles, thanks for being there, really I mean that!!!!!

As for today, yes, I had a great day off, slept till 9:30 am...worked out, then went bathing suit shopping and bought this nice black and while flower pattern halter top (tankini) with black bottoms, it looks so nice plus it was 1/2 price!!! what a deal.
Going to do yard work tomorrow and lay out in the sun on Sunday, with lots of spf protection of course!!!
no serious plans, just enjoying my own company!!!

Smiles, thanks again for your input and for being a good friend who offers advice and support!!!! you are a gem!!!!

hugs, love and friendship...Camer

June 25, 2004
11:29 pm
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{{{Camer}}}} I am so proud of you and excited too!! I know that it isn't easy to do. I am here to support you I promise that!!! I just see how great you are now and know it has taken a lot of hard work to get where you are, to let someone like him mess it all up.. I am not sure what your beliefs are but mine are that we will be codependent the rest of our lives. The longer we practive recovery the easier it will get. I think we will all have moments and certain things will be harder than others.. That's what is so great about supporting each other. We help remind each other were we came from.. We have been codependent long before we even realized we were.. Those thoughts and behavior patterns won't just disappear if they did we wouldn't need support..
I will say a prayer for you too!!!
And try to be there for you as you go through this.
I want you to know that talking to you has helped me a bunch too!!!
I thank you for your insite and love!!!

I am glad that you had a good day away from work.. How hot has it been there? It is cooling off here will be in the lower 80's for the weekend which is cool this time of the year. We have been getting really close to 90 for awhile..
I have been taning in a taning bed. This is my first year to do so.. I decided I wanted to do somethings that helped me to feel attractive. I was trying to whiten my teeth, tan, and I wanted to frost my hair.. Well I don't have the $ to frost my hair and I whiten my teeth off and on.. The tanning I have stuck with but only go once a week..I am doing it for me no one else.
Do you do that set goals.. I mean most of the time mine aren't about physical appearence they are about working on me inside.. I just decided I wanted to take an intrest in my outter appearance also..

Well I want you to remember if you need to I am going to try and be here if you might need to talk again before you call.. It's hard on here because it's not the same as using a messenger.. But will work..

Okay I have a question for you.. I have been in a funk the past few days. Tonight I told hubby I wanted to sleep in the other room. I did last night too!! He is taking it personal I tried to explain I just need some space it isn't about him but rather about me. He said well it seems like when I am in a funk the whole house feels it. I told him I didn't understand what I am doing wrong. I am being honest and telling him I just feel I need some space. I am not being mean or hateful. I am also letting him know why so he won't take it personally.. He makes it sound like I turn the house upside down because I am in a funk. I asked what I am doing wrong. He said when I am this way he doesn't get all of me. Well yeah that is true but don't I have the right to ask for space without being mean or hateful just honest? I don't know why it has to be a big deal and he talks to me like I am doing something wrong and it's my fault.. But I don't know what I am doing wrong.. I even told him I thought I was handling exactly the way I should.. What do you think...

Thanks for listening to me.. šŸ˜‰
Hugs and lots of love!!! My prayers too!!! šŸ˜‰

June 26, 2004
11:38 am
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Good Morning Camer!!
I just thought I would check in and see how you are today? I hope that you are feeling better about everything.. You sounded much more optomistic last night.. Anyway like I said I am going to check in through out the weekend just to see if you need to talk.. I want to be here if you need to talk.. šŸ˜‰
You help me so much I want to be able to return the favor when you need me..
Lots of hugs and love!!! I hope you are having a good day..

June 26, 2004
12:01 pm
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morning *smiles*, today so far is a good day, slept till 9am and walked the dogs for about an hour...later I have to mow the law, pull weeds, clean my car and some other stuff.
As I was walking today, I was talking with GOD and asking him for strength in my life, and I was also thinking of making that phone call to that man Gregg (with the active addictions)...I cannot let him undermine me, just cuz his back hurts and he is homebound doesn't matter, what matters is me ending this relationship and once I do I feel like a big weight will be off my shoulders, at first when he didn't call for 7 days, I thought this was the easy way out, I thought that maybe he was sick of me, we've only known eachother for 1 month, not a long time.....but all and all, he called, and now I have to lay things on the line, I am nervous, I am nervous cuz of HIS FEELINGS, not my own, its high time I put me up front and b4 I call him I will put me first. Thanks so much for all of your support.

Honey, as for your hubby, you have both been married for a bit and I am
sure you are accustomed to such things as sleeping in the same room at nite, for you to go into another room, threw him for a loop. He must
know that you are codependent but maybe doesn't understand why. *Smiles* this is where you have to think of YOU, not of him, if he wants to wallow in not having *all of you* then so be it. I am so proud that yes, you are being honest with him and telling him like it is, and if his reaction to this isn't quite
as what you expected, so be it, remember you can't control how he feels. Take the time for your space, you need it, and it will do a world of good in the long run with helping yourself. Maybe your hubby just needs a lil' reassurance of your love for him without taking it so personally when you want to be alone.
You have basically stated how you feel with him, and without being too
codependent, tell him how much you love him and the reasons why you are doing this and hopefully he can truley understand and being OK with
this instead of taking it so personal. I do wish you the best on
taking care of you, and I hope your
hubby does understand this.

One thing you mentioned b4 that hit home is,yes I will probably always be codependent, and I think it will
last a lifetime, and I think that I have learned alot along the years, and made changes for the better, I do recognize things much faster but
still have the coda tendencies of
worrying about "others" more than me.
This weekend will test my codependency when I call Gregg, and I have to do this for me, and not for my worries of him.

*smiles* enjoy your space, you deserve the best in life and always be good to you!!!

I will be checking in thruout the weekend, until next time, enjoy your day!!!!

hugs, love, friendship....Camer

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