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Camer got a sec?
June 13, 2004
5:22 pm
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June 13, 2004
5:24 pm
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Okay I seem to have a hard time not hitting enter before I post he he...
Anyway I have noticed a lot of what you say on here and like you, you seem really nice.. I have only been around a month so I don't know all that much about eveyone yet... I was just wondering if you would mind telling me a little about yourself.. I enjoy talking and sharing so I would be happy to share things about myself too. . If I am being to personal please say so.. Well gotta go to a birthday party will be back later tonight.... šŸ˜‰

June 14, 2004
7:19 am
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Hi *smiles*....not a problem telling you about myself, I will try to make it brief as possible. Since I was 18 and started dating for some reason I always got into "bad relationships", i never cared if I liked a man, more cared if he LIKED ME...I would always pick the drug addicts and men who didn't have jobs!!! Alwyas the caretaker. I am 38 now and have had a 5 year relationship with a drug
dealer, 3 years with an emotionally unavailable man, 5 years with a gambler, pot smoker (daily) for both addictions...and my last relationship was almost 4 years with an alcoholic.

*smiles* it seems that once I got into these relationships and thought for sure these men would change, once they didn't change, I always tried to change them, by loving them more and sacraficing myself for these men. After years of the men not
changing, I would literally just dump them, then weeks later replace them with another man....who would eventually become my boyfrined.

I have gone to counseling for almost 2 years due to my coda, I now attend coda meetings weekly and have been on & off for almost 3 years.

My last relationship ended the worst,
in 8/2002 my boyfriend committed suicide. I was devastated, and for the first time in my life I didn't
just grieve for him and months later
replace him. I was actually alone and enjoyed my own company and got
alot closer with my higher power. I
was alone for 1 year and 7 months, and just recently started dating....I am still coda though, but not nearly as bad, I have gone thru about 5 dates in the past 2 months, none of the dates really went far cuz of all the "red flags" i saw, and for once in my life, I could "end the relationship" b4 it
started due to the "red flags".

Now I am just "dating" not getting too serious with anyone, more friendship than anything, so the more I work on ME the more healthier I will be for a healthy relationship.

That about sums me up in the past 20 years!!! scary!!!

*smiles*, if you want to share about yourself or ask me any questions feel free....hope you had a good time at your b'day part last nite!!!!
šŸ™‚ Camer

June 14, 2004
1:48 pm
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Hey Camer thanks for writing me back. I did want to let you know I just came on here briefly through my lunch hour.. So I will write back and tell you more about me and mabye ask some questions this evening when I am at home.. šŸ˜‰
smiles

June 14, 2004
11:16 pm
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Hi camer.. Sorry I am so late writing.. My hubby had a long day so I wanted to give him a back rub and put him to bed.. He he I know he isn't little but I love to do for him. When it comes to spoiling him with the little things he doesn't let me much but is getting better. He doesn't take andvantage of it. But I explained to him that I will ask for favors too and feel better if I am doing the same for him.. Anyway.. a little about me...

I think everything started for me when I was little.. All my life I have followed my mother around (or she me) wanting what she didn't have to give me.. My mother was an alcoholic and died this time last year and alcoholic 47 years old. Anyway all I really wanted out of life was my mothers love and approval and went to great lenghts to find ways of accomplishing this.. I never did and so felt empty. I was out on my own at 15 because my mom couldn't keep me anymore. Now I stayed with my best friends family and then was a live in babysitter, and then had a roomate. At 17 I met my first husband he came over one day and never left.. Talk about jumping into something.. But I was in love... Finally I had found someone that adored and cherished me.. I had my first son at 17 so he was 3 months old when I got with my ex husband. We met in Las Vegas and 5 months later moved to Kansas because that is where his family lived and I wanted a quite place to raise my son. Before I knew it we were drinking heavily and it got to the point I have a hard time remembering it all or am just not ready to because it is still coming to me little by little. Anyway we were together 8 years.. He became physically and emotionally abusive. The emotional part was the worst though.. I lost myself completly..I had no confidence or self-esteem. And in the midst of being married to him we had 2 more children. He does father all 3. Then in the midst of all the chaos he ended up in jail again. And that time I filed a restraining order on him and decided this was it.. Shortly thereafter I went to treatment for alcholism myself. And then a half way house. I managed to get my own place for the first time in my life but seemed to be having a hard time staying sober and taking care of 3 children alone. Then something happend and my children and I went to treatment together and then I went to a half way house alone then we all came back home together 4 months later.. Have been sober since in Oct it will be 4 years. In the meantime he went to prison for 2 years when I went to treatment the first time.. When I finally got something happened and I woke up one day I was a mother and needed to learn how to take good care of my children. I always feed them and had clean clothes for them but was by that point numb myself emotionally so I had nothing to offer them emotionally.. And while in treatment the last time I learned so much about myself I also was able to hold myself accountable for my life and my children's lives.. And little by little I started learning.. I have a counselour.. She is a drug and alcohol counselour..She also teaches self-esteem, parenting, domistic abuse, relapse prevention and my favorite codependency... She has taught me so much.. I have learned that my alcoholism comes from being codependent and self-medicating but codependency is what drives my bus.. and life for that matter.. I feel like I have written a lot sorry to carry on.. Tell me a little more about you and then I will share.. I don't want to be selfish here I want to learn about you too.. I really like your heart and want to get to know you.. šŸ˜‰
Thanks for listening...

June 15, 2004
8:58 am
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*SMILE* congrats on your sobriety!! and sorry about your mom, did she actually pass away from drinking or how did she pass away so young, being only 47 years old??

as for me, when I was a young child,
i was constantly picked on in school cuz i wore glasses, and I am telling you, i brought this into my adult life. Had such low self esteem when i was younger, since I was made fun of, I thought less of myself, I was always the last gal to be picked for a team in the gym, and always sat in the back of the class, alone. I guess since i thought people hated me, I hated myself too, and brought this
dilema with me as I got older. Plus when i was younger (about 8 years old) the house my parents lived in was a mess, never clean, always messy...so I always cleaned up and kept it neat like all of my frineds houses...but then, the next day it would be messy again from my parents and siblings...and again I would clean up all over, to know that it would again be messy the next day.
This is probably where I got my "fixing" thing from. Once I turned 17 years old I got contact lenses and thought that was the best thing in the world, now with no glasses I knew people would like me....I did this all the wrong way, people liked me, cuz I literally made them like me, I slept around when I was younger not knowing the difference between sex and love. The sex part made men think I was a slut, which again lowered my
self esteem...and being at such a low point in my life, I always chose men
who really didn't care about me, but I made them like me, buy giving them
money, helping them with jobs...etc...and yes, they did eventually like me, but deep down I knew this was wrong..so I dumped my first b'frined after 5 years to move onto another deadbeat bf, still thinking that my love would save the next man....this was a long time battle I had with myself, and loving myself, not until I turned 28 I knew I had a problem and sought out professional help....still going with
unhealthy relationships...I finally figured out what I was afraid of was
being alone, being by myself and loving myself...I always had boyfriends, could never not have a boyfriend, a boyfriend was a fix for me like drugs may be for a drug addict. Until my last relationship with an alcoholic, he took his life,
and I was faced with the fact, that yes I was alone, and I could have just
found another man, and keep my coda ways going...but I chose to grieve, and I chose to learn about myself,and
I was alone for the first time in my life for 1 year and 7 months, no dating, nothing....I learned to like myself, I learned to stay alone with myself and just be at peace, I also brought my higher power more into my life. Today I am still a lil coda, and at least I am working on me, not getting too involved with men, just
dating and being very particular of the red flags, and if I see the red flags, I get out of the relationships
now, not after years.

*smiles* this pretty much sums up my life, 4 long term boyfrinends in a
19 year period, never been married, and have no children....maybe someday,
but for now I need to work on me as
much as possible and the rest will just fall into place.

thanks for all that you have let
me know about you and I admire the
path you are following and the strength that you do have.

(((hugs to you)))) ~camer

June 15, 2004
8:47 pm
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Hi Camer!!! I am really enjoying talking to you.
{{{BIG SMILES & LOTS of HUGS}}}}.
It sounds like you are doing good things for yourself.. šŸ˜‰
I had heard some of your story a little here and there but not as much as you have shared on this thread.. Thanks for sharing with me.. Actually I look forward to getting on here to see if you have written.. I am enjoying talking to you ;-).

I believe that when you love yourself you open doors to entirely diffrent world and diffrent people are in your life. And yes you learn how to set boundaries and you learn who you are what you like and what you don't like and use that as your guide for you..Not what everyone else wants you to be but what you want.. I have also learned that after I lived alone for 1 1/2 myself after my first husband that I became stronger then than I ever could have staying with him..It was awsome.. I learned to love me, how to have fun, without shame or maniputlation.. I was high on life and single.. Of course I had a really close girl friend and she has a son that helped so much... We did everything together and helped when I was lonely. It helped me not to go back to my ex too.. Funny how God puts certain people in our lives at just the right time.. šŸ˜‰
I am going to write more in a little bit -k-

June 15, 2004
9:12 pm
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Sorry I had to get off the internet for a minute and didn't want to lose what I had already written..

Okay a little more about myself.
So it was just my boys and me for 1 1/2 years.. Then I met someone and were just friends in the begining and I really enjoyed his company and he enjoyed mine. Well I was with my first husband from 17 to 25. I was 26 when I met my husband now. Well being with my first husband we both drank so that relationship was bad all together plus there was the abuse part to it also..
Now I met this man and we started to fall in love. Well this has all been a huge learning experience for me.. And the longer we are together and the longer I stay sober the more things are starting to surface.. And lessons are coming into my life.. And being sober I am able to reconize my codependency and don't like it much.. I want to be that care free person I was when I was single. The catch is now that I am in a relationship I am trying to learn how not to lose myself and all I have worked hard for emotionally but love someone else at the same time. And I have to admit sometimes that is really hard to do. Some days easier than others.. šŸ˜‰
I have been working on my codependency a long way and belive that diffrent lessons have been brought into my life for a reason..

Ohhh something else about me one of my biggest fears is the fear of abandoment.. Over time I realized that I felt that my mother abandon me over and over through out the years. And I have carried that into my marriage and sometimes it gets the best of me and I quit taking care of me and do all I can to make sure my husband doesn't leave. I don't wan to feel that way.. Something I have loved about being with my husband is I am with him because I want to be not because I have to.. Although at times It feels like a have to so I try and stay clear of that.. I do not want to be in a relationship because I am stuck I want to be there because that's where I am supposed to be. I still struggle with trusting myself and knowing I am capable of making good choices for myself and if I make a mistake I can learn from it and go on.. So when it comes to my husband I get all mixed up about my place in the marriage and that's where this site helps. It helps remind me to keep my thoughts focused on loving myself and try not to obsess so much.. I have a lot of unhealthy behaviors and everyday is work.. I don't believe we ever recover 100 from codependency it is something we will have to work at until we die.. Just that it gets easier..
Ohh and my mom yes she did die of alcoholism I have the death certifacate but that's a whole diffrent story..
So tell me a little about you today.. Do you work? What are your hobbies, what kind of music do you like and stuff like that.. šŸ˜‰
Thanks for being here..

June 16, 2004
10:13 am
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hi *smiles*, i do work here in Massachusetts and worked at my same job for 16 years, and yes I love my job!! I own my own house, with the dogs and fenced in yard, just no hubby!!! maybe someday.

I spend most of my time enjoying life, or at least trying, I have to do yard work weekly, clean house, grocery shop, watch very lil' tv and
spoil my 2 dogs rotten!!! I hang with
my friends usually on the weekends, and just started to get into the dating scene in March, I felt I was ready to meet people, after being alone for 1 year and 7 mos, and I did
learn, I dated maybe 4 men and from the start I knew they had red flags and it was so easy to end the relationship, and I am proud that I did, and not try to mold these men into what I want them to be, so I have learned alot.

*smiles* its funny what you said about
things brought into your life for a reason, and you too were alone for a year and 1/2 a lil' less than me, but
quite similiar...and I beleive people are brought into your life for a reason too, maybe thats how we met
on this "internet" site and have been
sharing stories...hope i don't sound
goofy!!! What i have realized so much is that my life was so "closed" b4, i thought I was the ONLY one out there dealing with being codependent and kept my life a secret, and living lies to make people think my life was
great....it wasn't until I somehow opened up and started attending coda
meetings and joining this group that
I realize that there are so many others out there just like me, it does make it so much easier nowing that I am not alone, cuz that alone
empty feeling can bring me down so much.

Now i am yakking way too much *smiles* thanks for all you have said and vented with me, and know that you
are an inspiration and help to so many people on this site, including myself!

hugs to you! ~camer

June 16, 2004
6:06 pm
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Hi Camer..
Thanks I feel the same way about you being an inspiration to me.. That's why I started writing you because all the posts I read that you wrote I really like and I like your frame of mind.. I have a lot of the same feelings. I don't think you sound goofy at all. Actually I am a very senetimental kinda gal.. šŸ˜‰
I also enjoy the fact that there are other people that can relate. I have been telling my counselour that.. I feel so much better having everyone here to talk to and maybe even help someone with something I say.. Donno if I do but maybe.. Please don't feel like you are yakking. I am enjoying talking to you šŸ˜‰ So talk away..
Well I guess all I can think of that I haven't told you is that I will be 30 in Aug. and I have 3 boys they are 12, 7, and 6. They are the love of my life even though they drive me nuts he he.. The rewards are bigger.. And I am remarried.. I am really struggling with my marriage gosh.. You know I know I am codependent and I make it a point to step back and see what part I play in our marriage but it can't always be all me. That's what if feels like because I am willing to admit I am not perfect and need to work on things my husband tends to push al the blame off on me.. I have read a few things about you going back out into the dating sene I bet it is a lot diffrent today. I imagine it feels really good to know what you want and be able to say you aren't going to settle for any less.. I think that's what is hard about my marriage is that in the begining I felt that way and now.. well all this stuff keeps coming up and I am married so if I walk away I am talking Divorce.. Which if need be I would do like if he hit me I have already been down that road won't go there again.. But that hasn't happened.. I have so many insecurites that I am trying to overcome.. At the same time there are reasons for some of them.. My husband is not affectionate. I think he has given me 2 compliments since we have been together (3yrs). Now I knew a lot of this before I married but some of it I didn't or seemed to intensify after we married.. Now I am babbling guess I will go for now.. But please talk as much as you would like I am enjoying talking to you...
{{{Big Hugs}}}

June 16, 2004
9:12 pm
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*smiles* why don't you try to bring back the love you had with your husband (not that you don't have it now, but to refresh the love, if that makes sense)....tell him you like compliments, I think everyone does, who hasn't liked being told they look beautiful and they are gorgeous and caring etc...its all good stuff!!!Maybe find out why
he doesn't give you compliments. I know that when I date men I always tell them they look handsome or have a nice cologne on or look gorgeous etc...and they love it, and I mean it too!!! just talk with him about this, remember communication is the best thing!!!

As for my dating, yes, its much different now a days, but wow, I am so proud of myself, I can actually go out on one or two dates even more and then realize if I don't like the man, I can just END it, its that easy, the old me would try to fix and mold these men into who I want them to be etc...I know I have learned so much, but still I may see red flags, and ignore them for a few dates, but then, they creep back up on me and bam, I end the relationship, I may be a lil slow at picking up bad signals, but I am much more easier on myself when I know I need to end the relationship and its so much easier to do it now than it was back in my earlier severely coda days.

*smiles* I wish you the best of luck with your hubby and you seem to be doing really well with your coda, always focusing on it, and trying to make it better and thats what counts the most, is improving "ourselves"

have a great nite!! hugs from camer

June 16, 2004
10:01 pm
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Hey Camer thought I would drop one more quick note for the night..
I think it is great that you can even see the red flags. Isn't a great feeling to be able to trust yourself. I think that is when I find myself feeling crazy..Well one of the times is when I start questioning myself and my ability to think and make decisons for myself. I have somewhat of a passive personality so sometimes it seems like others pick up on that and try to tell me how to live my life. And new behaviors are scary and sometimes I am not sure if I am handling them well so when you get to a point where you know that you are capable of seeing things for yourself it is an awsome feeling. Will write more tomorrow..
Sweet dreams!! Hugs
smiles šŸ˜‰

June 16, 2004
11:18 pm
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I can admit that I do see the red flags, but then my "denial" phase will kick in, and think, hey its no big deal, when it really is, now it seems so much easier to NOT get involved with these men, cuz I think that even if I kidded myself and was in denial, eventually I would get sick of the persons habits, and its so much easier to end it now than months down the road, I guess I don't feel as desperate for a man as I used to, and now I am so much more
picky on who I choose to go on a second or 3rd date with....even with the dates that I have had, no one has really struck my heart enough for
me to stick around, I guess there are lots of red flags out there!!

*smiles* are you going to talk with your hubby about affection??? go ahead!!! go go go go!!!!!!

will talk 2morrow!!!
hugs from cheryl šŸ™‚

June 17, 2004
10:02 pm
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Hi Camer things have been a little hectic tonight and I just realized I hadn't written and I thought to myself I need to get on there and say "HI" so here I am "HI" by the way he he...
As far as hubby we have talked about it before he comes from a diffrent upbringing than me so I try to be patient but some days are better than others. It was nice tonight I was sitting at my desk when he got home and I said Hi honey, he walked up to me put his arms around my waist and kissed my check and said how was your day.. I just about melted right there. It's the little things like that, that I had more of.. But it was nice that I got that tonight..
As far as being pickier that is great that you aren't so needy and really that's what it boils down to. You are attracting diffrent men because you are diffrent. And even if you attract ones that you don't want to be with you know yourself well enough and you are not needy therefore when you do find the right one he will be the right one because you aren't settling for anything else.. Which is awsome I think that is wonderful and I hope that you give yourself credit for it. Some people are aware of things like that but never get half way to where you are..
So what is going on in your life right now? What do you do for fun?
Guess I will go now but hope to keep talking to you I really enjoy it..
HUGS!!!
By the way I did get thrown off by your name is it camer or Cheryl?
Sweet dreams!! šŸ˜‰
Ohh I hope you have a good day tomorrow..

June 17, 2004
10:49 pm
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ooops smiles, i became unanonyomous now....and gave you my real name on my last message, oh well. I guess cuz i feel like i know you and am talking with a friend!!!

I am just dating right now, i have dated a man for about 3 wks, then he told me about his cocaine spree's that he goes on 10x per year, and how he bets on dog track races 3x per week.......aaaahhh, this didn't go over too well with me, I only went out with him about 3x and its weird, i was afraid to break it off with him, and guess what, he hasn't called me in over a week and I don't even care, this is kinda my way of
getting out of the relationship. I am the type of gal who hates to break peoples hearts, but somehow i think this relationship just ended cuz of whatever reason. And you know *smiles* i am so happy right now, no
serious man in my life, just dates and I feel great....i hang out with
all of my friends, who i sometimes ignored when i was in a coda relationship, and i am opening my world up more to life, and enjoying life and all it has to offer.

My life is pretty much the same, work all day, come home play with my 2 dogs, walk them, check out this
website (of course), do yard work, clean around the house, not much excitement. But on weekends now I
always hang out with friends, either
to a cookout or just going over someones house, I have a wide variety
of frienships and try to keep all of
them close to me, b4 I used to hardly ever hang with my friends cuz i was always with a boyfriend.

2 morrow nite I may go on a date, oooooh!!! i have dated this man b4,
he is not looking for anything serious, and since i know that i know
not to get my heart involved, but
we just have fun, laughing, just hanging out, more like a friendship date, but no "heart strings attached".

And Saturday I am going over to my
friends house for her sons birthday...going there for a few hours.....then, Sat nite I am having some other friends over just to hang out and socialize.

So, i do have a fun filled weekend planned, then on Fathers day going to visit my wonderful dad and take him out to dinner.

I am just trying to get a good fix on life and enjoy it, whether I have a man or not, and I could never in my past be like this, i think i am growing up and being so much stronger.

*smiles* i am soooo happy that your hubby gave you a nice warm welcome!!!! that is so good!!!! maybe he'll do that more often, and enjoy the times when he does do it!

Time for beddy by for me, it was great talking with you!!! have a good
friday 2morrow, i know I will I am only working a 1/2 day....yeee haaaa!!!

goodnite........(((hugs to you))))
-camer (aka cheryl, ooops my name is out of the closet now!!!lol!!!)

June 19, 2004
10:35 am
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Good monring Camer,
So how was you half day of work? Good I hope. So what are you up to today? You said that you hang out with your friends on the weekend.
One of the gals at work invited me to go out with some of them tonight. I asked hubby if he would mind keeping my son. The only one home right now so I could go out for a few hours. He said yeah are you going to a meeting I said no I have been invited out with the girls. I do worry because they can all drink and I can't. We are meeting at a resturant not a bar but I still worry. I used to go to things with my best friends until she moved 3 hours away. But she is in recovery too.. These people aren't but nice I just hope it isn't to akward. I have worked at my job 2 years and never done anything with anyone there so it sounds nice to out with them..
Well let me know how you day is going and what you are up to this Saturday..
I have lots of housework and shopping to do today... šŸ˜‰
Hugs.... lots of em'

June 19, 2004
12:36 pm
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*smiles* my 1/2 day at worked turned into a full day, with the computer crashing, so now i am taking next friday off for a vacation day, something to look forward to.

Today i slept late and have been lounging around, not doing much, my 2 friends are coming over later to hang out with me, ordering pizza and watching some comedy shows.

hope your nite with your friends went well, its good to get out now and then and you do need friendships and balance in your life.

if you don't mind me asking, do you
have a hard time controling your drinking urges when others drink?? I know my last boyfriend did, he had the hardest time, but he really never worked the program either, i guess he was in alot of denial, and thats one of the factors of his life being taken away at such a young age.

Time for me to hit the treadmill and workout.

Thanks for chatting *smiles* and sharing your interest with me, hope you are having a good day, and hopefully the hubby did a lil cuddling with you too!!!!

šŸ™‚ hugs to you........camer

June 19, 2004
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Hey Camer.. I hope you enjoy your movies.. You'll have to share what you watched and tell me about em..
No I haven't ever gone out with people that weren't in recovery this would have been the first time. I am not going though. I really can't afford to and I am scared,if I had a friend in recovery that go tag along I might but not bymyself I just don't feel comfortable with the idea.. The only person that I am around that drinks is hubbys dad. He's an alcoholic but a functioning one he has worked the same job for a very long time. Anyway he used to hide it when I went over there and now he doesn't but he drinks beer I have never been much of a beer drinker.. Plus he is the only one there that drinks it's not like everyone else is too..
So what kind of work do you do?
I work in an office actually I work for the State of Kansas. I really want to work in Mental Heath some day.. That's where my heart is. And the job I do now is more paperwork and dealing with other state offices and the contractors I don't get to help people one on one and that's what I really want to do and someday will get there because it is a goal. Do you have any goals for yourself? And you say you were going to get on the tredmill do you exersize a lot?
I was trying to walk 2 miles 2x's a week but was only doing it once a week and haven't at all the past two weeks. But I can't go before work and after work it's just so hot..
Well holler at me when you can.. I hope you have a good night and fun with your friends..
Ohh as far as the cravings well I still go to meetings. Something I have learned is if I share that I am having a craving it helps a lot it's when I keep it in my head I am in danger.. I am afraid of drinking today even though I have thoughts about it. I am scared of how much I have to lose and how quickly my life would be out of control. If you have any questions feel free to ask..
Did you end up going on that date??

June 20, 2004
11:16 am
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hi smiles, i work for a newspaper company, I am an adminstrator doing
computer work and regulating the wholesalers accts. Ilove my job! I do
try to workout alot, but I have to try harder and not eat so much, I think that if i work out that I can eat anything, and its not true, thats
why my weight is "maintaned" not "lost". Last nite me & my friends watched an Andrew Dice Clay tape, he is funny, he was around back in the 80's and 90's but was banned cuz of some of his humor. My goals are to lose weight, live a happy and healthy life, I love my job now so I'll stick with it for a while...and to just be happy!!!

I have talked to some alcoholics at my coda meetings, and they too even say its hard "not to drink" and the thought goes thru their mind so many times. My last boyfriend too, said he thought of drinking so many times per day, and the demon in him, always got the best of him.

I wish you success on your sobriety, and keep working the program. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

I am heading to my Dads house today and me and my sis and mom are taking him out to dinner, I am sleeping over so won't be back till Monday nite, I'll be sure to talk to you then.

Have a great day & thanks for sharing

hugs from Camer

June 22, 2004
12:40 am
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{{{{{CAMER}}}}}!!! HUGS!!!!
I read your post on the other thread. Thanks you always brighten my day. I am sorry I haven't written.. Yes I have been emotionally pre-occupied.
I talked with hubby tonight after some time apart. I didn't come home until 8:30 because I knew he was wanting to talk and I wasn't ready.
Wow!!! He said he was sorry and that he did need to work on how he reacts to me. He said I was right I am just being myself and he needs to learn how to handle things I say and ask in a diffrent manner. It was a good converstation I was skeptical at first. I asked him what we could do to get off this merry go round? He doesn't know any more than I do. He said all he knows to do is apologize and admit his part and try to change it. Really that's all either of us have. I could really appreciate that cause awhile back I snapped at my boss and didn't even realize I did until he said something. I told him sorry.. And he kept hanging on to that one time I snapped there were no other times. He held onto if for 6 months. I finally told him I said all I can do is say I am sorry and make it a point not to do it again.. I cannot go back in time and change what I did I can only learn from it and move forward..
Same with hubby. Just him admitting his part feels so good to me. I know I play a part in everthing to it's just when everything is pointed at me and he does no wrong I feel like we won't be able to move forward that way. The first step out of denial is to admit to yourself and others your wrong doing. We cannot learn or grown until we take that step. And by him taking that step it gives me hope...
So enought about me.. Sorry to bable I just really enjoy sharing with you. If you need to talk about anything please feel free to talk to me I hope that I can give back to you what you have given to me.. Strength, hope,love, excitment...;-)
So what have you been doing?
You didn't tell me if you did go out on that date you were talking about?
I did watch a movie this weekend it's called "Unsaid" it was supposed to be a psychological thriller.. Wow it was something else. It was a good movie but touched a very touchy subject to me.. I have missed talking to you.. I have been so wrapped up in emotions I haven't been able to think clearly. That's my codependency at it's best. My husband and I aren't getting along and my entire world seems to go nuts..Still trying to work on balance.. So what hours do you work? I work 8-5 kind of they let me come in 8:15 and I make up the 15 minutes cause during the school year I have to get the kids off to school before work.. So what do you want to talk about. I feel selfish.. I want to talk about what is going on with you.. šŸ˜‰ I have rambled enough...

June 22, 2004
12:23 pm
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*smiles* you never ramble too much, i enjoy talking with you, and yes I did go on that "date" friday nite, it is more of a friendship date, me and the man have know eachother since March and we both want to take it slow and only see eachother once a week if that, and we have good conversation and get along good, and don't want to rush into anything...and it was fun going out with him Friday nite.

That movie that you saw sounds good, I like pyshcological thrillers too!

As for your hubby, I am glad he is willing to work on himself, it does take time, *smiles* just make sure that he at least try's and not just change things for a week or two, but more for a long time, especially since you have so much invested into
your marriage.

My hours at work are similiar to yours I work 8:30 to 4:30.

Not much going on in my life right now, I guess I sometimes worry myself and feel out of sorts cuz I think that being 38 years old and never been married, and no children, I guess I sometimes feel like a failure, I would like to have kids someday, but I am getting up there in age, I truely beleive that if it is meant to be, getting married and kids, somehow it will happen, and I beleive and trust in God on this one.

Nowadays, I try to be so easy on myself and try not to become so overwhelmed with life, I try to enjoy life an all it has to offer, I guess the main thing is I try to love myself more and then things around me seem to fall into place.

Best of luck with your hubby and I only wish you both the best, and *smiles* be good to you!! and take good care of you!!! and know you have a friend here in MA that is always here for support and friendship!!!!

((hugs))) from camer

June 22, 2004
10:29 pm
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CAMER!!! Hi sweetheart!! I hope that you had a good day. My day has been hetic and I don't have as much time to be on here tonight but I had to at least come and say "HI" or my day wouldn't be complete..

I agree with you about hubby.. I hope if you notice something I don't you will say so.. Sometimes it's harder to see things being right in the middle.

As far as you feeling like you are out of sorts.. Honey you are right where you are supposed to be.. Of course God see's the bigger picture and knows what is best for us.. With us not having the same knowledge it does make it harder to understand our view of things.. It is unfolding the way it is supposed to..
Have you ever looked back and thought to yourself how everything just feel into place and how if certain things had happened diffrently you life would be diffrent?
I look forward to talking to you and you me everyday.. So speaking for myself you brighten my days...

You also have great insite. I love the way you look at and view life. We all have our good and bad moments but overall you have a great perspective that I admire about you..

I am glad you had fun Friday... And I don't think we can have to many friends... So if that's all that comes of it you have gained a great friend.. And I believe that to have a great relationship you have to be friends first.. So either way it sounds like you are on the right track.. I hope you have a great day tomorrow and I look forward to talking to you..
Thanks for being here šŸ˜‰
HUGS big ones!!!

June 23, 2004
11:44 am
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hi smiles, thanks for your kind words and inspiration, I guess sometimes I do get down on myself, thinking that my life is not complete cuz i don't have a hubby and children. I try not
too focus on it too much, but it still is in the back of my mind. One thing I do know is that I spent one year and 7 months alone, all by myself, and I learned to survive and not have a "boyfriend", now that I am
dating again, it seems like I am more
interested in "finding" a good guy, but still not settling. I guess I just have mixed emotions, missing the
closeness of a relationship and dating people...etc...just no one has really made me feel that things are "ok" and to persue it more, hope that makes sense. Sometimes I feel that there are no more good guys left in this world. But you know something
smiles, I still function, I still keep balance in my life, by working out, working at my job, and taking care of my dogs, and cleaning the house and yard work etc...its just sometimes I miss having a steady caring man around that "loves" me,
I guess in time things will work out
that way, and I know keeping God in my life, things seem to be going ok now.

Thanks so much *smiles* for your upbeat encouragement, I usually feel upbeat most of the time, and in a good mood, and again I have my down days, and I just felt a lil' down last nite and today, but it will pass, I just have to keep thinking of how much I have learned and gained over the last year.

*smiles* I hope all is going well with you and your hubby. Has he talked with you lately about the problems you 2 had just recently and
how to fix them? As long as he is trying that is a good thing! you only deserve the best in life, and I hope thats exactly what you get.

Back to work for me for now. Have a great day, and thanks for listening
and offering your great inspiration!!!
((((big hugs to you)))))) camer

June 23, 2004
12:08 pm
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Hi Camer.. I don't think you wrote me that long ago.. I have gotten on here earlier than I normally do.. šŸ˜‰

I don't think there is anything wrong with our feelings and having down feelings too. Of course they aren't our prefrence. But if we didn't have them we could not appreicate the good feelings. And I have learned for myself than when things don't feel very good I am normally the most motivated to take a look at myself and my life. Maybe not at first but then after awhile I step back and say Okay I don't want to be in this spot anymore what can I do to change this?? I hardly ever motivate when happy.. I know that sounds bad but if I am happy I don't have any desire to change things..

I can understand and appreicate why you are ready for a relationship now.. But of course aren't going to settle for less than you deserve.. So how do you normally meet the men you have dated?

I also wanted to let you know.. That I believe that you are still young to become a wife and a mother.. Actually if you do have children later you will be in a much better place to be a mother than if you had them younger.. You will have a lot more to offer.. I am on my second marriage and I have 3 children and I am just now turning 30.. I tell ya though.. The whole relationship I am proud of you for not settling.. Have you read that quote on this board when you first sign on? It says "The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for." Isn't that so true..

So you have dogs? What kind? Do they live indoors or outdoor? What are their names??
We have 3 dogs.. Ozzy he's 2, 1/2 golen retriever, 1/2 yellow lab.. my baby although he isnt little anymore.. then there's Shania, she's 1 1/2 black lab, then there's Puter he's 1 a minature doberbman..

One more question then I will go for a bit.. What do you do to take care of yourself when you are feeling down? I know you said you work, and work out.. But is there anything else?? Just for you that makes you feel better? Wether it be listen to music, a hot bath, going to the movies..
I am thinking of you today and I will check back later to see how you are??
Thanks for making my day brighter!!!!
{{{Bear HUG}}}}

June 23, 2004
10:12 pm
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hi smiles, i am an a pretty good mood now, i went out to dinner with my gal'friend and her hubby, we had a good time!!! i just need to keep this kind of balance in my life, with friends, with my own time, with taking care of my needs, and with just living life.

I wanted to ask you *smiles* did you have your 3 children with your first husband, and if so do you plan on having any with your second (your hubby now??)

I have 2 beautiful dogs, they both are chinese shar pei's they are the wrinkly dogs, one is named Munki (she looks like an ape!!!) she is 2 years old and the others name is Dakota (she is one year old) I named her Dakota cuz when my last boyfriend was alive he always told me his next dog he was going to name would be Dakota, since he his life ended at such a young age, I chose to take the name in his memory and call this dog Dakota for him! they are 2 wonderful lovable choc & black shar peis!

*smiles* when I feel down, I like to feel the feelings, if I have to cry I will just lay on my bed and cry for a bit, it helps,...when I am done crying, I may take a bath, or
I'll go shopping or just read from my
coda book, or call a friend, it really depends on the "down" mood that I am in.

I sometimes just enjoy listening to music drinking a hot cup of tea, and relaxing, or just watching a good movie on the Lifetime Network....some me time always helps and its good to relax, and I try to focus on any problem for only a certain amout of time, feel the feelings, then let them go, knowing I cannot control everything, then I try to think good thoughts.

Thansk smiles for checking in today,
its great to know you are out there and I look so forward to chatting to you everyday, you brighten my world, you really do!!!!

(((hugs and love)))) your friend..camer!

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