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Came to an agreement, now feeling lonely
April 19, 2006
6:58 pm
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JPS
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The other day, my BF and I came to an agreement and said that we would make a COMMITMENT to try and make things work.

Even though I felt good about the 4 hour conversation and things have been OK, I am paranoid that we are both just staying for the only reason is it is familier. It is easier NOT to change.

I still feel lonely and have contacted several "ex"s or "go to" guys that I know would give me attention. Of course, even though those men would give me attention, that attention would be short lived and meaningless. It wouldn't be what I really wanted.

I'm confused why I would do such a thing, now that we are on the same page.

How do you know the difference between real love and doing what it takes to make it work, or just doing to do because it's easier?

April 19, 2006
7:19 pm
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gingerleigh
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If your instinct is to contact these "go to" guys for attention, then there is some deep need in you that isn't being filled by the relationship that you're in. Honor that instinct, it doesn't get any quieter with time, and without getting answers to those questions you're either going to walk around with a big hole inside you or end up making an indiscretion to get your needs met which you will regret for years to come. (Been there, done that, got the ugly T-shirt.)

Of course, even though those men would give me attention, that attention would be short lived and meaningless. It wouldn't be what I really wanted.

Are you in touch with what you really want? What is it? Can you name it? No matter what it is, it's ok to want it. But without being able to articulate it, it's kind of hard to expect your needs to get met. 🙂

April 19, 2006
7:42 pm
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Thats a good post, bam, to the core. But how do we go about knowing what we want? Now thats the tough question, isnt it? If I ask myself what/who I want, soemtimes I say "I dont know", or "anyone nice".

Because of dysfunctional parenting, I'm out of touch of my needs, atleast not as much as I would like. So I guess what I can do is practice on asking what I need and communicating with myself. As Garfield posted a good article saying, that we have to first fix the dysfunctional relationship with our self.

April 19, 2006
7:46 pm
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JPS
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GL
Thanks for the words. We came to an agreement and we both articulated what we want. I guess i am afraid of the change part.

I am afraid that it will be easier for both of us not to try and do anyting different, even though we have both expressed our desires.

I guess realtionships are work?

April 19, 2006
8:09 pm
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JPS, if I asked you from a scale of 1 to 10 - 10 bieng the highest: How much do you love yourself?

What would your answer be, and that of your BF?

April 19, 2006
8:12 pm
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And I mean, on a general average level. I know we have ups and downs but there would be an average level too.

April 19, 2006
8:23 pm
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JPS
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Me 6
BF 7 ( i assumed how he felt I loved myself)

that sucks

April 19, 2006
8:55 pm
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Interesting. Thats good.

"I am paranoid that we are both just staying for the only reason is it is familier. It is easier NOT to change."

Have you talked to him about this? If not, I think you could try that and express your concerns and see his reaction.

April 19, 2006
9:35 pm
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JPS
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Yes we have talked about it, and we both made the statement that it is easier not to change, but i think he doesn't want to let go as much as i dont want to let go.

I still feel confused and not trusting about where we are going, and if his intentions are genuine.

I really want it to work, but our fuses are both short.

We really need to change something but not sure what.

April 19, 2006
10:13 pm
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Maybe its the detergent that needs to be changed. Start using Tide! lol, sorry.

Well, I think its great that you have communicated to him. Thats really good!

So it looks like a trust issue. Is there any reason you think his intentions are not genuine? How old is the relationship? Whats the history of the trust between you and me? I'm thinking if he has done anything that broke your trust.

What would you reaction be if you thought his intentions were genuine?

"How do you know the difference between real love and doing what it takes to make it work, or just doing to do because it's easier? "

I think real love should be natural and doesnt need much work. But yes there are times when we have to stop and work on the relationship and sort out issues by communicating more.

I wonder if you're just bored and the spark isnt there anymore and are thinking about whether to move to the next relationship or not.

Maybe you guys need some more time and space away from each other? Trying to think how the spark can be re-introduced. It looks like you guys have good self-esteem so I think it should work out, but it depends on more communication. I'm not expert but so thats all just my opinion.

April 19, 2006
10:43 pm
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JPS
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Yes i was thinking about changing detergent.

Yes trust had been an issue as we have been together 10 yrs, and their have been several infidelites.

If it were genuine then I would be happy but skeptical as well

Real love should be easy, and there have been MANY times when it has, it's seems just when things go well i push him away by doing the things that make him mad

I wonder if I am bored. I try and do things that spark, but we are both focused on careers.

April 19, 2006
11:21 pm
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gingerleigh
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Maybe a relationship isn't your priority right now, but you're trying to live as though it is. That's awfully frustrating, don't you think?

As someone who has been unfaithful in past relationships, I have to tell you, the infidelities were trying to tell me something... I didn't want to be where I was.

April 19, 2006
11:54 pm
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Ginger

yes sometimes i turn to my relationship to solve my problems. CD!

It seems when I was focused on me that everything else fell into place

Just can't seem to get there again.

Now that's really frustrating too!

January 19, 2007
10:19 pm
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JPSC
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It has been almost a year since I’ve posted . It’s funny how I only write in it when things are going bad with the bf The end of 2006 was great. We spent Christmas day together and new years day together. After the end of our date on new years, he said that we should plan a trip together for the end of the month. WOW. I was so happy. Then he tells me that he wants to tell me some advice. “don’t back him into a corner or pressure him, as far as me and him goes”. In retrospect I think he was pouring his heart out to me and telling me what I needed to do to get him to commit. Well of course, it hasn’ t been going well since. A couple days later when he started back to work, I tried to call him, he was VERY busy, didn’t answer my calls, or couldn’t return them right away, so I started obsessing. I questioned him, I asked him what’s wrong, why has he been avoiding me, he said he wasn’t. I still don’t know if he was or not, or if he was just busy. If I give him the beniefit of the doubt I would say he was busy, but I pushed his buttons and made him upset. Then I drove by one of the women he says he's not seeing and he was there at 2am. He gave me a lame excuse about how he stayed the night on the couch to “protect her” because she had been having problems with her ex husband. Yeah, right. The next day he and I agreed to meet and talk. I asked him if he still wanted to stay in the relationship and he said no. He said that there was nothing left to do, and he didn’t have any energy to try and be together anymore. Well of course I said I wanted to stay together, to try and work things out again. I told him that I just reacted to his reactions and he got the part of me that he can’t stand. Well, BS you shouldn’t tolerate that. Right? But yet I do. I still find myself begging to be with him, to stay with him, so that I’m not alone. I do love him, and I want us to be so happy, because I truly believe that we can, but it’s just so hard, because the reactions, the infidelities, the mistrusts, and then there’s me obsessing and blaming myself for everything that has gone wrong and completely losing my self-respect, which in turn, turns him completely off. Whoa. What can I do? I have been dedicated to losing weight, looking my best and trying to give him his space, but I have trust issues, (rightfully so), and I am always questioning him, so I am clear, understand and know exactly what he is doing at all times. I hate it. I would hate if someone did that to me, even if they didn’t trust me or have reason not to trust me. I would completely back away from that person if that were the case. So I understand how he feels. I always end up sabotaging our relationship (not that its’ all MY FAULT), he’s definitely at fault too, but I do think that our reactions to each others actions are like an energizer bunny, they keep going and going. Earlier today I asked him if he wanted to take a trip next week or the week after. He said no. He said he hasn’t changed in the last couple days about the way he feels about not being together. He said he’s tired. There is nothing that he can say that will tell me what I need to do to bring him back to be with me. I asked him to please think about it, keep an open mind and asked him to not see anyone else. He said ok, but I think that was half cocked. I also said that I still want to see each other, and he said ok to that too. WE decided to label it for sake of definition a “time out” or a break. What does that mean exactly, I don’t know, but he is so unresponsive to me, I don’t know what to do. It is crazy. I know that I should just let him be, give him his space, and maybe he will come around again. Maybe. Maybe not. I really hope so, because I so badly want to be with him. I love him and just want us to work so badly. I am so dedicated to make it work, that I am thinking about playing hard to get, or just concentrate on me, more, but I don’t know if it’s too late for that. We’ll see. He said we would try, I guess. I guess trying means that we will still see each other and not other people, but not feel the pressures of doing what a girlfriend or boyfriend is supposed to do for each other. I’m just so insecure, I just don’t know what to say anymore. I want to back away, because maybe that will bring him closer, but I get some impatient and then the moment he gives me attention, then I get clingy again. WHY? It’s so aggravating. What do I do!? I guess I just need to learn patience and just spend time on me. He does and it makes me want him even more. But I guess for me it’s the control thing as usual, I always have to do something to make a change, I always have to make an action, or push a button or something. And I do, it I often get the wrong reaction. Maybe I just need to let him push the buttons sometimes or take the steering wheel. I keep thinking about that I backed away several years ago, and he came around. Maybe I need to do that more often. Maybe I just need to try and stop thinking about it. The sad thing is I don’t know what im worth. I just think I am unworthy of love, and I need to be in the underdog position all the time for me to feel anything. I guess it’s a sick part of me that always wants a challenge. the BF has simple wants and needs and I could have had him commit to me a long time ago, but I just acted wrong.

January 20, 2007
12:07 am
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thetbeav
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First of all, it's not beacause you acted wrong. Want him back? If you want any type of chance, you have to STOP! Don't call him, don't answer his calls (does he call you?), don'g drive to his place. Act like he doesn't exist! I'm telling you...I've had all guy friends so I know what really turned them off and it was a girl who was chasing after them. It's sad to say, but they need the games. They need to hunt you and woo you and talk you into having them.

Sounds to me like he probably just got freaked out b/c things were getting pretty serious (like taking a big trip together). Guys tend to get freaked out when things get serious...even if they want it. And if you're begging him to be with you and breathing down his neck all day and calling and calling and begging...it's probably freaking him out even more.

I'm telling you, it's SO SO SO hard, but DON"T CALL HIM! And don't answer his calls for over a week. Have NO contact. After a week when he calls and says, "where have you been? I've been calling you..." You just say, "Oh, I've just been busy". So then he's wondering what YOU'VE been doing even though you've been wondering what HE'S been doing.

If you keep up what you're doing, begging him to get back together, he's going to know how insecure you are and guys don't find that attactive. Guys want to be with a woman who knows who they are and doesn't have to beg someone to date them.

Continue to focus on YOU and make YOU better! You've been working at losing weight and feeling better about the way you look...that's great! That's all the better. So when he sees you, he REALLY feels bad for missing out! Plus then you look even better and feel great about yourself.

I've been where you've been and my one of my friends told me what I'm telling you. Yes I too wanted to call him every five minutes...but just don't do it! Be strong, and don't give in. Then, even if things don't ever work out, you still have your dignity.

I'm sure you'll be fine regardless of how things turn out. Just keep working at you! It's his loss...don't forget that!

TheT

January 20, 2007
6:23 am
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JPSC...
those words hold true!!! don't call him..don't answer his calls..it might be the hardest thing you have had to do...when you do talk to him...act like you have been busy, and sound HAPPY, even if it takes everything out of you!

they do like the hunt..when they have you, that is when they start feeling secure and pressured and scared.

I hate games too, but it feels like games have to be played..or in your mind they do...don't act like you need him!
because you really Don't!!!! believe that!
you don't need someone you cannot trust, who lies or withholds the truth, do you want to wonder when you are with him????
that hurts more than letting go, believe me!

trust yourself, your instincts...you know what you need to know..you just need to tap into it!!!

if he wants you, he will come back.
if he does not, then you don't need him!!!!
you deserve so much more than all this wondering!

nvr

January 20, 2007
7:17 am
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JPSC
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NVR and TheT, thanks for the words. You are both right, but I am vey impatient. I should say also that I have been with this man for 10 years. We have a lot of history, but we have really tried for it to work. It might be too late. I am really hoping not. I will really try and leave him alone, don't call, etc, but I just hoping that i have the patience to follow thru.

January 20, 2007
10:51 am
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risingfromtheashes
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If you are only stepping back in hopes of making him want you more - it's manipulation...you are manipulating the situation to get the results you want.

If you are stepping back for your own sanity - you are doing it for the right reasons.

What I mean is - if your thought process is "if I step back and he comes back, it will be worth it, but if he doesn't, then I will kick myself for doing it"...then you are doing it for the wrong reasons.

I know of the man you speak of...not your guy specifically, but the personality.

My ex was exactly like that and he played the same mental games and crazymaking that yours is. And he was also cheating on me, but had a thousand excuses how I was the paranoid one and nothing was going on. I truly thought I was going crazy...and my obsession was enough to make me want to check into the hospital.

When a guy makes you THAT crazy, it's JUST NOT WORTH IT.

And so what if he IS a great guy. SOMETHING he is doing is making you nuts...it's a bad combo...a bad match...and nothing you can do will change that.

I can tell you that EVEN IF he gave you everything you wanted, you would still have issues with him. It would never be enough cuz the trust is so eroded that you are building a relationship on a foundation made of sand...it keeps shifting, making you scared that it's going to fail.

My ex started coming home more at night...but was online so much I knew he was talking to other women...so he stopped that...but I thought he was using another email server and hiding it...and then he would go off to get coffee at odd hours...to use the cell phone.

It was never ending...and if he fixed one thing you didn't like, another would crop up...if not with this woman but with another.

My ex was king of "rescuing" damsels in distress and thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill cuz ***I*** had the trust issues.

HE created them...and in the end, I had damn good reason to feel the way I do.

I left him in april of last year...it took me four months to feel "sane" again.

but I Feel good.

and he has a new gf and at first I was jealous...but you know what? maybe they were made for eachother...maybe she is as crazy as he is...maybe she is as untrustworthy as he is...maybe she is a pig like he is...it doesn't matter WHAT they are together...the ONLY thing that matters is that we BOTH rubbed eachother the wrong way and there was NO WAY we could make a relationship out of the chaos we had in our lives.

somehow, we just couldn't get our shit together...and I was tired of feeling like the crazy woman in his life...I walked away cuz I didn't want the chaos anymore.

don't step away from him if you are only doing it to make him want you more....it's liable to backfire...especially if he starts coming around, you get clingy again and then he bolts again.

it's a game and you don't need to play it.

January 20, 2007
11:39 am
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JPSC
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Rising:
Thanks for the reality check. Yes I thought about if I "play the game", maybe he would come around again, but you are absolutely right. I have to be busy and be unavailable because I am not becuase i want to have him act a certain way. The hard part for me is that i really do love him. We have 10 yrs of growth and love, how do you look at that and say i just want to throw it away. The love and the pleasures we've had have been so great, that often it seems as if it is worth the bad parts. The act of cheating doesn't bother me as much as the lying and the deceipt. I don't know where I am today,but I do know that I need to concentrate on me. It's hard to do though becuase it is so much easier to do for others.

January 20, 2007
11:46 am
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JPSC, I too have just recently done this with my xbf of 13yrs. I just needed to step back and really look at the whole picture, for myself, not to try to get him back. They say if it's meant to be, it will be. SO, i just am focusing on me, and letting go and letting god. It was so hard to do, but I knew if I didn't that things would just remain the same, i'd be doing the same thing expecting a different outcome.
We have a long history and a daughter together, but I don't want her to repeat the cycle, which is why I am breaking it now. I still am in love with him, and I know he is in love with me too, but just for me I needed space and time. He has respected that. He is working on himself and me on myself. I truly believe that if we are meant for one another , after all is said and done, we will be together again, just in a healhier way.
So, please be strong for yourself and know that you deserve to be treated better, and you deserve to have everything you want out of life.
Good luck , and keep posting, even if you do only when you need to. It does help. 🙂

January 20, 2007
11:59 am
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JPSC
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Giggles
Thanks for your kind words. Your words really hit to where i was feeling and i had tears come to my eyes becuase it was so real. I read some much and the posting and reading each others posts helps so much. So many people have different types of posts, tough love, reality posts, and then there's your type of posts, the kind that really hits home and to the heart. Thanks. I know that I have work to do, it is so hard every hour not to call him reach out, beg, plead and try and fix it NOW, but I know it's what i need to do for ME now, as tragic and dramatic as it my sound. All I want is to be happy, and I know that I will be again, alone, with him or with another. It's just hard to even think about the change or trying to think about the change. Thats the toughest part of it all.

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