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calling Samantha !!!!!
March 27, 2000
7:29 am
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hazza
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Hi Samantha,
If you want to talk about it, please post your story to us here, you will find that people reply really quickly, but becuase we are all over the world, it is nt a chat room but if you post you won't have to wait long for other people to share their thoughts with you.

Just writing your experience can sometimes help alot in itself, no-one knows you here, everyone here cares about you, just like they care about EVERYONE here, but no-one is here to judge you, just to listen and offer their own thoughts and share any experiences with you that may help you understand your own situation.

You may be feeling confused about what has happened to you. Unsure exactly how to define what has happened to you. Sometimes it can be easy to loose perspective and it can really help to share your experience, others can help you by reassuring you about your situation. Just to have other people tell you " hey. that was NOT alright, you are not making a fuss....etc" can really help. Keeping something like rape to yourself can eat away inside you, you can start to question yourself, start asking yourself is you were to blame and feel guilt that is misplaced,and so on. Sharing helps you to regain perspective.
So if you are ready, let us know how we can help YOU, what do you feel, what questions are going round in your head. There are so many people here who care and can offer you true, understanding support, but you have to let us know a little first so we can repond.
Peace
Hazza

March 27, 2000
10:04 am
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Samantha20
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Thanks for your encouragement. Well, as you already know, I have never talked about it. I think I have always thought that I set myself up for it and that I led the guy on. I have a boyfriend now that I have had pretty much since a few months after the rape and he has been very supportive and has helped me to realize that what happened in July of 1998 was not right and that I need to talk about it.
So, here goes...
I met this guy at a club about an hour and a half away from my house. I was a freshman in college, only 19 and was a virgin. I found out shortly that he was in the army and that he was stationed nearly 2 1/2 hours away from where I was at. We talked on the phone, but I really never got a chance to know who he was and see if I really wanted to know him better. So, I invited him over to my house (my parent's house) for the weekend. They were going to be there. He arrived on a Friday and stayed til Sunday afternoon. The funny thing is, he never brought any extra clothes...I really don't know what the significance is in that, but maybe you can tell me. So, my hometown is kinda small and there's not much to do around here...I suggested going out to movies or dinner or something. That Friday night we went out and I ended up paying for dinner; it got to a point that I didn't want to suggest anything cause I was getting broke. I mean, I have no problem paying for things, but I can't feasibly cover it all. Anyway, we got back to my house and while we were watching a movie on the couch, we started making out. It was okay, yet at this point it seemed that he wanted to go further and pulled out his wallet to get a condom, and to me it looked like it had been in there since he was a boy. I told him that my parents were going to be home shortly anyway and that kind of was an excuse not to do anything then. Well, we ended up going out to get condoms because I didn't have any and came back to the house. My parents went to bed and he came over to my bedroom, from the spare bedroom which was right across the hall. At first I thought I wanted to, but it reached a point where I just started laughing uncontrollably. I will never forget him at this point because he looked at me with big, stern eyes and told me to look at his face and to breathe, but not to laugh. I needed direction, but at this point I felt like he was getting mad and so I stopped laughing and dealt with it. I didn't enjoy it...and when he left my room and I lay there I wondered what had just happened.
The next day, my parents went to visit my brother who was about a half hour away. It had been raining all weekend and was at that particular time. I remember him leading me into the bedroom and putting on music. I just wanted to sleep or cuddle or, well, I didn't really know. Well, he had other things in mind. He kept pushing my head to his penis and grabbed my hands to go down there. He wouldn't stop. I shook my head and said no but he wouldn't let up. I was afraid of what he would do if I just kept refusing because I had "given in" the night before and I wasn't sure what else to do. So, I gave in again and did what he wanted. So, now what? He never really called me or whatever after that weekend and I didn't really know what to expect--I mean, this was my first experience..is this what it feels like? I know better now. All I get out of looking back at that situation is that I was used and disrespected. And, he ate the entire cherry pie that my mom had made for dinner. Maybe he never intended on staying long..I don't know. I know now that I deserve better and that is what I have now. So, if any of you out there that took the time to read my story has input..please let me know. This is the first time telling anyone besides my boyfriend. Where do I go from here?

March 27, 2000
6:08 pm
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BROC
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September 29, 2010
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samantha,

I don't know anything about this type of stuff, but I wanted to let you know that that guy is/was an asshole.

Boy, I know I have seen and heard this story before....what shitheads.

This guy needs some serious help.

Just curious, how is it that your parents let him stay with you after you had just met him? That sounds awefully dangerous.

Also, how are you and the new guy doing? Meeting so soon after the rape and all.

B-

March 27, 2000
8:38 pm
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Samantha20
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September 27, 2010
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B-
Well, my boyfriend and I met about 2 months after the rape and we were really open and honest with each other and we took it slow. Just going through what I did in the past shows me what a great guy I am with now. He is always there for me and is more than I could ever hope or wish for.
Yes, my parents let him come to my house fairly shortly after I met him, so that I could get to know him but only because they trusted my judgment. Sometimes I feel like I should have known better and that I set myself up for it. Oh well..I have to move on now.
And, yeah..that guy is an asshole. I only hope that he isn't hurting more people.
Samantha20

March 28, 2000
5:43 am
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hazza
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September 24, 2010
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Hi Samantha,
Broc is right, the guy was a total asshole and only cared about himself.

The way forward is to look to the future though, you cannot change what has happened, you were inexperienced and if something happened like that now, you would handle things very differently, in fact you would never waste your time on such a pig again! This is why you now have a chance to put this behind you, having met a nice man to be with. The fact that you have met someone who you can share this with and help to show you that not all people are assholes will help you move on from this horrible experience. Try to take some comfort in this, you have learned a hard lesson in seeing how selfish come people can be but at least you now know that not all men are like this, as your current boyfriend proves.
I know it is really painful (it has happened to me too) but you need to try to accept it as one of lifes learning experiences, there is little else you can do other than learn from it.
Peace
Hazza

March 28, 2000
2:11 pm
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KSUE
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I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. I hope you can talk to your family about it and have them understand. When I was 15 I was raped. I went to the school consellor, I thought it would be confidential. I told him everything and showed him a letter from the guy. He told me what he did to me was a part of life and to get on with mine. He said that now no one would want me that I was trash, that I would always be alone. And that I wasn't even good I was a "dead fuck". Well that may be I froze when he didn't stop, I fought him for a while but fear took over and I couldn't move or scream. I completely froze. Anyway the next day when I got to school there was a detective there and cops. I had to go to some room in the court house where they videotaped my story, and then took me to the hospitol. My mom was pissed at me. She said I had led him on. We never spoke about it again. I think this is probably where my destructive behavior with men began. I believed I was trash and that only trash would want me. I have tried to move past it and only now am I deciding that I should have seen a consellor then, and I probably should now.
I hope that you can overcome this and have good relationships with men. Take it slow and remember who you are and what you want from life and then live it.
KSUE

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