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Calling Out Rouxlady
January 25, 2007
9:29 pm
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bevdee
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GG

I feel bad for you. $70!! That's a household bill- like the cable or the water, or both!!

It seems like something is always happening (financially) to me too. Every stinkin payday, something unexpected comes up, and I am forced to squeak through till the next payday. I refuse to touch my savings.

January 25, 2007
10:20 pm
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ggfred4
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bev, I wish I wouldn't touch my savings, but I do when I shouldn't...I just wish I could drop or at least accept what happened today, but I can be my worst enemy...I will put myself down for the next few days over this incident...You would think I would learn a lesson by now? I have a focusing problem and even though that is not an excuse, I should know by now to be more careful...oh well, enough of that...

Any plans for the weekend? I haven't done anything in the slightest way of fun in such a long time that I want to do something. I am hoping it is something spontaneous and not a big deal; I even want to do it alone. I don't want to depend on anyone else. Just hope it happens and if it doesn't; I hope I will sit down and read. I have had a hard time doing that, but usually once I start,you can't get me out of the book. My husband used to hate when I read books because I would read for hours and be so engrossed in the book that I was oblivious to the outside world. Okay, I am just a rambling here...

I hope you have a great weekend!!!

January 25, 2007
10:28 pm
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bevdee
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GG

I am wondering if there is any way you could get a duplicate receipt? I lost a receipt once on a charged item, and was able to get a dup from the company. It took a few days. Did you get the supplies from a store? Did you charge or pay with a check? If you wrote a check? When it comes back, it should be endorsed by the store or company from which you purchased the items. Unless you paid cash, it should be traceable, and the store should be able to provide another receipt.

I have to take call this weekend, so I don't dare make plans outside the house.

If you want to read, could you go book-shopping? Alot of bookstores like Barnes and Noble have those book cafes where you can sit and read. You might be able to get some privacy there. It's usually nicer than the library, but not necessarily as quiet.

January 25, 2007
11:04 pm
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ggfred4
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Bev, I did charge the items. Is it really possible to get a dup receipt?

I thought about going to our Books-A-Million, but I don't need to buy any more books and I will be tempted. I have so many that I need to read. I was just reading Chp.15 of the Codep. No More book that has taken me forever to get through. It was about the inability to make decisions, even little ones. That is me now. I used to make all the decisions for my family and now I can't even choose a restaurant to eat at, have a hard time shopping, etc.

I just keep wondering what and when did I change or did I just regress or ???? I am really becoming aware of my codependency issues these last few months; I had no clue...

January 25, 2007
11:31 pm
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bevdee
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"I did charge the items. Is it really possible to get a dup receipt?" Sure! Unless it's cash, it should be traceable. Now, let me think. Can you access the credit card history online? You might be able to view the bill and see if it is itemised. (I don't have any credit cards anymore) Or call the 1-800 # on the back of the card and ask those credit card people to explain to you how to track it down. If so, you may not need to contact the other company. Just throwing out my thoughts.

GG- I imagine you have some idea what started the indecision. It's like paralysis, isn't it? Did I ever read that it was about a year ago? Throwing out more thoughts here - could it be because your kids are growing up and leaving? I had a friend who told me that she didn't know who she was anymore, and didn't know how to act if she wasn't little J's mommy.

Menopause stuff? About a year and a half ago, I started having all this fear, and it is also when my periods got so irregular, and I wasn't able to sleep through the night. Change of life is hard, baby. It sucks.

January 26, 2007
12:13 am
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armyleo
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thanks for joining the book study...doesn't make me seem so alone...

January 27, 2007
12:13 am
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Bev, I actually don't remember what started the indecision. I realized it when I was learning about codependency. I think the indecisiveness has escalated in the last year along with everything else. I am thinking that I quit deciding things because I was always getting criticism, or didn't want to make anyone mad, or whatever. Not making a decision kept me safe and neutral. But now, I am struggling with even grocery shopping, a job that I used to have planned out. I am just rambling and confused now...

About menopause? I just thought it was about hot flashes and I have never had one...guess I need to educate myself in that area....

So glad it is Friday...one long week....Hope you have a nice weekend...

January 27, 2007
12:24 am
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bevdee
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GG-

I'm on my way to bed- I'm taking call tomorrow. About menopause? I need to look more into it- and I will post it to you later - it has something to do with hormones > blood sugar>> adrenaline ---I will have to look it up in one of my virtual medical thingers!! I have many nights that I can't sleep. And I cry alot - that has got to be hormones. I don't have hot flashes that I can't attribute to a sugar drop.

DId you have any luck with the credit card? You gonna get your money back?

Have a good weekend.

January 27, 2007
12:27 am
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bevdee
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Hey I wonder if there is a menopause discussion forum?

January 27, 2007
12:30 am
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ggfred4
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I am going to go the store tomorrow and try there first...I am hoping. After the huge deduction in my next paycheck for missing more days than I have sick leave, every penny counts.

Yes, let me know about menopause..got me curious...didn't want to think about that topic...but shouldn't deny it either...

Have a good weekend too!

January 29, 2007
8:41 pm
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bevdee
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Miss GG

How you doin? I'm being all nosy for a few minutes, then I have to leave and work AGAIN!! I have been getting killed on call- one of the other techs is sick and we are having to alternate double shifts, and take his overnight call. It's gonna be a long week.

I haven't had time to find the menopause info, but I will post it as soon as I find it...

Thank you for reading my tapestry stuff. It's so ?? odd?? I cried and cursed and just felt terrible for the 3 weeks it took me to dredge that up. I knew I needed to - and I had to force myself- dredging in the truest sense of the word. I feel pretty good for letting it all out. And there are so many great posts out here now, it is helping me to understand the dynamics of my family, and the people I have chosen to love in my adult life.

I don't think I am going to tackle the sexual molestation and the rapes by the abuser until I have a therapist to help me.

I see you in other places, Rouxlady!! Cool.

January 30, 2007
4:10 pm
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ggfred4
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hey tumper and hope for the best,

Don't work too hard! By the way, got a transcript for the receipt i lost...I am hoping that will work.

Bev, I was so impressed and proud of you for tackling your sister box. I had no idea that you had been through that much together. Everyone here who has posted letters and their stories have inspired me and made me reflect.

After reading your tapestry thread, I began to actually consider getting into my closet and maybe writing a letter to my abusers. I was trying to get through the Courage to Heal book and workbook last year, but wasn't ready, especially alone and without support. So, I locked it up in a closet, really!!! You got me thinking, so thank you....

Proud of you girl!!!

January 30, 2007
4:31 pm
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bevdee
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Rouxlady

Well, thank you for the compliments. As for working hard, they are not giving me a choice. I am working evenings only tonight, and have a couple of calls to do. YAY on the receipt!!

When you are ready to tackle the closet? Take it at your own pace, OK? Remember - it's not a test.

Boy, I wrote alot of letters. I didn't stop at those that inflicted physical abuse on me. ANd I wrote them in longhand - I had no pc or word processor!! I told everyone off- then I didn't mail them. For ME, it was enough to draw it out of me. To think the thoughts and "say in a letter" all the thoughts and feelings I was never allowed or did not have the courage to express.

Have a good evening - I may get to pop back in.

Bevdee

January 30, 2007
6:21 pm
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ggfred4
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Bev,
I am not sure about my closet...just thinking lately...but, that is a step for me...When I did try a therapist last year, one of the first things she said is that I had a LOT of anger within. I almost laughed. I seldom get mad, mostly get my feelings hurt. I can't remember the last time I yelled or anything close to that. Just wondering if she was right or not?
don't know....I am considering letters, but does it just start trouble within, like opening Pandora's box?

January 30, 2007
11:50 pm
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bevdee
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Rouxlady!!

When I was in therapy, mine asked me if I knew that I smiled when I told her of beatings and rapes.

I was angry, and not allowed to show it - in my childhood, and later with the abuser.

Now, I read this little tidbit on another site, and it goes something like this - the thought that keeps nagging at you is indicative of something in your subconscious that is demanding to be dealt with.

This time? A few months ago? I started with the least painful expereince, and let all that out. But, yeah, it may be like a Pandora's box. I'm not sure what to tell you here. It might be helpful to have a therapist, GG.

February 1, 2007
4:10 pm
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ggfred4
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"the thought that keeps nagging at you is indicative of something in your subconscious that is demanding to be dealt with".....I think this is true bev....good point!

I read what you wrote about your relationships...between that post and your sister post, I just want to give you a hug and say how proud I am of you. You have been through a lot and I am sorry for it; yet I could see the growth you have experienced in both of those posts.

Seems to me you have taken more than a few baby steps!!! (((Bev)))

February 1, 2007
5:52 pm
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bevdee
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Well, you could start out real slow. A few months ago, I was living with some roommates. A friend and her...husband. Her son lives with his daddy, and when he visited, the .....husband was so rude to the kid when he visited, it enraged me. Especially because he did it when she could not see it. When she was out of the house, he hollered at her son.

I had gotten in the habit of hanging out at the library, or window shopping to stay away from the house when he was there, but when the son visited, I stayed honme as much as I could. To offset the hatefulness.

I boiled at the hate that spewed out of this ... creep. I was having more reaction than other folks might have. I was thinking about it one day, sitting at the lake, and realised that the....husband reminded me of my daddy's 2nd wife. Oh she was horrible. They were married for 13 years, and we were never close to my daddy during that time. She made it so uncomfortable neither my sissy or I wanted to be around her.

So - I started with that. I wrote everything out, and it felt good to do it. I figgered a trigger!

February 2, 2007
6:36 pm
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ggfred4
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bev, you are amazing me here. You seem to be opening up by leaps and bounds, or just maybe I am just getting to know you? You really are motivating me and I wanted to let you know.

Update: I hate to say this, but still not walking outside of the house. I have been practicing at p.t., but had some problems that resulted in my leg buckling, so still on crutches. Patience is wearing thin here, very thin...

Hope you have a great weekend...gg

February 2, 2007
6:39 pm
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ggfred4
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p.s.-did get a copy of that receipt and should get my money back, thank goodness!!!

February 2, 2007
10:32 pm
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bevdee
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Rouxlady

I'm sorry to hear about your knee. Please be patient with yourself- your knee. Two surgeries!!

As for opening up - alot of this came to me in that house I was living in. There was so much going on there-- I was triggered every day. I am glad to be out of that house, but I can't regret that events unfolded the way they did - to bring me to the point that I had to room with them. And have my triggers tripped so much I got sick with it and was forced to start looking at myself.

I am grateful that it forced those nagging thoughts to the surface. But I can't even articulate that whole story yet.

Here is an update on my gettin out- I had dinner tonight with some friends I used to work with at the hospital. I ate catfish and shrimp and had a great time!! I got to talk shop, hear some gossip, and laughed alot. It was nice to know that I am missed at that hellhole.

You have a good weekend too!!

February 2, 2007
10:40 pm
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ggfred4
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So great to hear you got out!!! Shrimp is one of my favorite foods....yum! My son is here for the weekend and that makes happy. We went out and ate Mexican food tonight.

Just want you to know that you are not only helping yourself by opening up and sharing, you are helping others here....I know...it is helping me...so, thanks...

February 2, 2007
10:47 pm
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bevdee
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GG

Thank you. It has helped me to talk to you. Because of that advice thing - remember? I have to take my own advice.

I still think about teaching techniques. Ah, this reminds me of something. I will have to find it for you. Back in a few-

February 2, 2007
10:55 pm
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bevdee
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This came in an email-

WHAT TEACHERS MAKE

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.

One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.

He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his
best option in life was to become a teacher?"

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers:
"Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."

To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher,
Bonnie.
Be honest. What do you make?"

Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied,
"You want to know what I make?"

(She paused for a second, then
began...)

"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.

I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental...

You want to know what I make?"

(She paused again and looked at each
and every person at the table.)

I make kids wonder.

I make them question.

I make them criticize.

I make them apologize and mean it.

I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.

I teach them to write and then I make them write.

I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math.

I make my students from other countries learn everything they need
to know in English while preserving their unique cultural
identity.

I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

I make my students stand to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the
Flag, because we live in the United States of America.

Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were
given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.

(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)

"Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, I can hold my
head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant...
You want to know what I make?

I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make?"

February 3, 2007
12:06 am
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ggfred4
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Thank you bev...that was very thoughtful. I do love my job and yes, there is so much more to the job than just teaching a subject...so much more...This is my 25th year!

February 3, 2007
12:20 am
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bevdee
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GG

What else? I know there is so much paperwork, that seems to be increasing with every job - damned documentation.

What else?

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