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Calling Out Rouxlady
January 21, 2007
5:51 pm
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ggfred4
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Well, golly, I had no clue kousin...Thanks for pointing that out for me. You made me smile!!! 🙂

January 21, 2007
6:41 pm
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bevdee
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GG

I didn't do either of the things I said I did. But while shopping, I ran into a friend of mine that I have not seen for several months. She and I lived and worked in a town about 90 miles from here, and it never got ...codependent. I had lunch with her and we gabbed and gossiped (nicely, because she is such a lady) for a couple of hours while we shopped. We tried on stupid hats and shades and I had a blast.

Funny, when you kept REPEATING THE QUESTION this morning ( I'm laughing now), I was thinking- "I can't force THIS, I will just let the opportunity present itself". Funny that it did.

Yeah, I was trying to gently point out that you were repeating the question -- earlier this morning. You are gonna be fine.

January 21, 2007
7:53 pm
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ggfred4
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Bev, I am so glad you had a blast with your friend...Mainly, you got out of hiding!!!

And what is with the word, "gently",...!!!!

January 21, 2007
7:54 pm
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bevdee
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gently?

January 21, 2007
8:20 pm
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ggfred4
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hey, you said it first! I am picking with you!!!

January 21, 2007
8:47 pm
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bevdee
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GG

I am curious- you are going back to work tomorrow? Are you going to drive yourself?

January 21, 2007
9:56 pm
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ggfred4
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Yes, going back to work. No, I am in a carpool, so I won't have to drive for 3 more weeks thank goodness.

January 21, 2007
10:55 pm
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bevdee
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Rouxlady

I am relieved to hear you are not going to have to drive yourself. Probably your bedtime, so sweet dreams.

January 22, 2007
7:07 pm
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bevdee
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Rouxlady

Here is some more of what we talked about yesterday -

From Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward - Intro xi and xii

Fear, Obligation and Guilt, the tools of the blackmailer's trade. Blackmailers pump an engulfing FOG into their relationships, ensuring that we will feel afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and terribly guilty if we don't.

Because it’s so tough to cut through this FOG to recognize emotional blackmail when it's happening to you—or even in retrospect—I've devised the following checklist to help you determine if you are a blackmailer's target.

Do important people in your life:

• Threaten to make your life difficult if you don't do what they want?

• Constantly threaten to end the relationship if you don’t do what they want?

• Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves or become depressed if you don't do what they want?

• Always want more, no matter how much you give?

• Regularly assume you will give in to them?

• Regularly ignore or discount your feelings and wants?

• Make lavish promises that are contingent on your behavior and then rarely keep them?

• Consistently label you as selfish, bad, greedy, unfeeling or uncaring when you don't give in to them?

• Shower you with approval when you give in to them and take it away when you don't?

• Use money as a weapon to get their way?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions, you are being emotionally blackmailed. But I want to assure you that there are many changes you can put into practice immediately to improve your situation and the way you feel.

January 23, 2007
3:32 am
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ggfred4
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Regularly ignore or discount your feelings and wants was the only thing that popped into my mind on the list...

but i have to say bev, the term emotinal blackmail, triggered me...just the term...just wanted to let you know...can't deal with it yet.

I went back to work, long day, was very overwhelmed with paperwork, but the kids were GREAT!!! They made me smile and realize how much I love my job.

Have you been able to work? How's the weather? I am so ready for spring...

January 23, 2007
8:19 am
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bevdee
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GG

That's ok if you aren't ready. I used to function on this level to some degree, reciprocally. I learned it. My mother actually told me to withhold sex if a man didn't act right. I shouldn't have posted the title and I should have paraphrased the content. There was a post by the SC about copyrights and posting.

I'm glad you had a good day back at work. Of course we are back to work- hard at it yesterday. I drove over 200 miles in 7 hours, so the effects of my sleepin-in, fun weekend are just about gone.

Have a good one GG.

January 23, 2007
9:17 pm
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cyndra820
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GG~

Hate to barge in here. I read the comment about triggering and it reminded me of something. I hope this doesn't seem too far out of line.

This was actually written in November. Is this what you were referring to?

ggfred4 24-Nov-06

I am so depressed over all of this and there is no way anyone else will understand...I am crying because mich seems like her mind is made up and I have a feeling I know...LL, when can we all talk? What is your work schedule? If you read a post someone wrote to need, the dependency issue being written about is me and my dependency on mich...LL, you explained it once so well to me when I didn't understand it...If anyone should leave, it should just be me...I am too sensitive and can't take constructive criticism...but I really was working on that, but apparently not ready to handle this site...I feel so screwed up and depressed right now, and yes,LL,I broke the promise...and I just have so much going on right now to make any clear decisions...but I am the weakest of the group and I know it...

I feel like I would have to start over...don't know...just don't know...not even feeling free to write how I feel anymore...see, I can't handle it...I am not tough like you LL...I admire you for that...

I need to talk to my sisters!!!!I love all of you...feel so misunderstood....don't they know my life at work and home have improved because of my growing self-confidence which was rooted on this beautiful site? wasting words here I feel,,,

lollipop3 24-Nov-06

GG, Do you think it might be possible to listen and learn and grow and accept other people's opinions...without having to leave this site??? I have to be honest here...that is the one thing that I don't understand with all of the sisters.....why does it have to be so black or white? Why can't people give their opinions without then feeling guilty for making you all want to leave? To be honest...it feels like emotional blackmail and I'm sorry if that upsets anyone that I said that but that is how it feels to me.

Isn't listening, learning, healing, growing, communicating, setting boundaries, resolving issues, etc...what this site is all about???? At least that is what I thought in the past 2 years that I have been coming here.

I don't know....I just don't understand it.

bevdee 24-Nov-06

Lolli! "To be honest...it feels like emotional blackmail" Ahhhhhhhhh

If I'm out of line or hurt you, I'm sorry. I just wanted to be clear on what the trigger may have been.

Love,
Cyndra

January 23, 2007
9:24 pm
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bevdee
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Cyndra

Good to see you in action

January 23, 2007
10:59 pm
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armyleo
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cyndra, your out of line...what was the purpose of bringing all that up?

First of all it's against the guidelines, and second of all why...to start a fuss??

(((gg)))

January 24, 2007
11:31 am
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ggfred4
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Bev,

I feel the need to explain something here. When you used the words “emotional blackmail”, it did trigger some very upsetting thoughts. Normally, I would just have said nothing and kept things to myself. I didn’t know where the conversation was going so I thought I would tell you that it was triggering me so that we could change the subject, yet, maybe I felt that we have never discussed anything about the sisterhood and it was that term that really hurt me…???? I am not quite sure, because normally I would have said nothing. Now that I am writing this, I think I was trying to open the door to maybe deal with it??? Then when you didn’t react I thought, well, I either need to drop it or bring it out more and deal with it??? But I am so afraid….

Cyndra knew exactly what I meant as I am sure others might have and spoke up. Army, she wasn’t starting a fuss, I think she was trying to connect what I mentioned to Bev. I didn’t take it that way. It is my fault anyway. I wasn’t brave enough to come out and be honest with Bev anyway. See, I am used to not dealing with my hurts, but hiding and running away from them. I avoid conflicts within myself and especially with others. I just think that maybe I had become comfortable enough with you Bev, to may be explain some of what happened without starting any problems maybe. Maybe, in my mind, I have unfinished business or things I want to talk to you about; I don’t know…I just know that those words brought back memories and maybe I wanted to talk to you about it, but maybe not brave enough yet.

So, I am sorry Bev, Cyndra, and Army for bringing up that trigger w/o explaining it. That was wrong of me.

Bev, I hope I haven’t screwed up anything here. I have really enjoyed chatting with you and love hearing your perspectives on things.

Sorry girls….gg

January 24, 2007
4:35 pm
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bevdee
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Rouxlady,

I am so glad you responded to this. You have come so far in such a short while. I can see you are losing your timidity.

I understood my faux paus when you posted back. You said it triggered you and you weren't ready to deal with it. You and I had agreed to respect each other when one of us was not ready to talk about subjects. That's why I backed off.

"I think she was trying to connect what I mentioned to Bev." Yes, I agree with this. I don't believe that her post last night had much to do with YOU or concern for you at all, but more to do with some blame she would still like to place on me and Lolli.

Please don't assume responsibility for someone else's post. You have no control or responsibility for other people's opinions, actions, happiness ...or whatever.

GG, if and when you want to talk about anything, just let me know. If I am not ready, I will tell you.

My internet server is having difficulties and probably won't be back up until tomorrow or Friday. It connects, but loses connection after 2 or 3 minutes, so I may not be online tonight. I had to reserve a computer at the library to take a test.

See you later- server permitting!!

Bevdee

January 24, 2007
10:39 pm
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ggfred4
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Bev,

I have learned a lot here on the aac....One thing I have learned is that everyone has their own point of view. I am not used to expressing mine though. I feel a tug at my heart still to express mine now; just remember this is my point of view as you expressed yours. I do believe cyndra had concern for me otherwise she would not have posted it. I just needed to say it. We just have different views I guess.

I do hope you did well on your studies.

January 24, 2007
11:04 pm
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bevdee
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GG- it's no problem, it's ok to have a different opinion. You are not responsible for her post or any of our reactions to it. Which phrase did she use that expressed concern?

I did pretty good on the test. How about you? I wonder if you are exhausted from going back to work so soon after two surgeries?

January 25, 2007
7:21 am
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ggfred4
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Bev, there is no phrase to look for; it is in my heart....

I am very tired after work, especially on days like today when I have to go straight to physical therapy. I feel like I am finally on the road to progression though, but my doctor told me I needed to be patient (I haven't been), and I am trying.

January 25, 2007
8:53 am
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bevdee
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Rouxlady,

Good morning. This server may be up and running - I will have to wait and see.

I had a thought. Aside from the emotional response to the title, was the list helpful at all? There is another book I read, called The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel. I thought that was a very good book, and it was helpful to me in that it didn't only go into intimate relationships, but others as well.

I hope the physical therapy isn't too grueling for you!

January 25, 2007
11:16 am
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ggfred4
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bev,
Yes, the list was helpful, especially about my feelings being ignored or discounted...

Physical therapy has it moments. Two parts of it are very painful to me, but the rest I kind of like, the exercises...I go today, straight from school.

Keep up the good job with those grades!

gg

January 25, 2007
12:38 pm
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ggfred4
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p.s. Just went over the characteristics of codependency last night in the book...sure was an eye opener...I would love the day when I could return to the book and change some 2's to 1's and some 1's to 0's...I need to learn patience and to not give up.

January 25, 2007
2:53 pm
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ggfred4
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bev, just reread my post...hope you know that the item on the list I was referring to deals with mainly my husband...after rereading it, I realized this could be taken the wrong way, but I think you know what I meant...Just making sure....so codependent of me...

January 25, 2007
4:44 pm
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bevdee
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Yes GG,

I did know that you meant your husband. It's interesting? sad? tragic? that while we may not suffer the same physical abuse (from the partners we pick) as we suffered from our family of origin, we will allow the emotional, or ambient abuse that we grew up with. I kind of shrug and say, "oh well".

Hmm, you have also got me thinking about those 2's and 1's and 0's. I get real hung up on scores, too.

"Just making sure....so codependent of me... " I don't know if this was your intention, but you made me laugh, Rouxlady.

January 25, 2007
7:30 pm
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ggfred4
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Well, glad I made you laugh...and no, it was not my intention...

Right now I am not laughing, I accidentally threw a receipt away at work that cannot be recovered that I needed to be reimbursed for supplies at a total of $70. I feel sick now...

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