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Calling Out Rouxlady
January 19, 2007
7:45 pm
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ggfred4
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Hey bev alias tumper:

I just got back from Houston...I begged and got the release I have to have to go back to work next week. My doctor really talked to me frankly on the seriousness of my situation and the time involved in my recovery. It is going to be a longer road than I ever expected. I will be going back every month for 6 months and will continue physical therapy. I must have been in denial here, oh well, think I was set straight today... thanks for thinking of me..

How are you?

January 19, 2007
8:24 pm
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bevdee
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Rouxlady

alias,,alias

It is good to hear you get to go back to work. I know you were chafing with the inactivity. If you are like me, I imagine you will be griping about being tired- after a couple days at work. I am sorry your knee recovery is taking so long.

Me? I finished another course in my semester- I pulled some passing scores out of my hat. The lastcourse looks like it will be very easy- I have 6 weeks for 5 tests, so I am going to take some time to do some things for myself that do not involve sitting in front of this computer.

I am on a very tight budget, and since before xmas, have really been pinching pennies. I worked alot of OT, so my check today was -- not bad.
I went shopping this afternoon. I should say pretend shopping, because I picked up 3 different shirts and 2 pair of jeans, then put them back. I don't need clothes!!

First things first- tonight I have been shampooing carpets. I have to do this at least twice a month, because my new puppy is smart and learning manners, but she still piddles sometimes.

I am going to take a very long bath, and give myself an extensive grooming. I am trying to decide if I want to go to a movie this weekend. By myself. If I do, I will go to the matinee - baby steps.

I am telling myself I am taking the weekend off from "recovery".
All the soul-searching. I need a little break. I don't like bars, but there is a little bar at the marina store a few miles from my house. A neighborhood kind of place. The owners are really nice, so I might work up my nerve and pop in tomorrow evening. mmmmm maybe.

The reason I am thinking about this is because I need to be bolder - in person.

I'll be back -- I have 2 more piddle places to shampoo.

January 19, 2007
8:35 pm
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ggfred4
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Bev, I am so proud of you...You seem to be trying so hard...I know you are considering the movie and the neighborhood bar, at least try one???
One baby step???

I went to one dept. store to buy some clothes needed for school because of the swollen knee; have to have wider pants. Bought one pair, was exhausted and we left...yep, next week is going to be tough...but, i have to work, need the money...I will survive!!!

Seriously bev, you are doing very well and I am proud of you and I am learning from you!

January 19, 2007
9:45 pm
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bevdee
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GG-

Palazzo pants!! What do they call them now? You got to go shopping in Houston!!! I'm jealous.

Well - the movie? I have gone to movies alone before, but it has been a while. The bar? Still undecided on that one. I figgered out-- Chances are you'll meet a drinker in a bar. I wish it weren't so cold, and I would just hang out at the lake.

I'm proud of you too, GG. I know you are being all quiet and everything, but I have this feeling you are here alot, and watching and learning from everyone.

January 20, 2007
12:18 am
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Yes, we went to the galleria, but only made it to Macy's...was exhausted...but, I will be going to Houston every 4-6 weeks for the next 6 mos. for checkups, so I will have plenty of time to shop...

Now, remember, try to get out to at least one place....I know it is cold, but try...whereever you feel comfortable...

Actually, I haven't been around a lot in the last week on the site; just pop in and out...some threads I just don't identify with or feel like I can't help that person at all...I do enjoy reading all the religious stuff on libs; I find everyone's views very interesting and enlightening...

January 20, 2007
12:38 am
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bevdee
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Hmm, so "religion" is tugging at you.

January 20, 2007
1:15 am
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yep....and just tried to catch up on the codep. chpt 3 thread and attempted a response...that was hard...should have read the chapter...bad student here...

January 20, 2007
1:25 am
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bevdee
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I can't find my book. It's in a box somewhere on the front porch. I thought I would follow along to get different perspectives - different interpretations.

January 20, 2007
1:52 am
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ggfred4
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Just like the religion threads; I love the different perspectives...

January 20, 2007
9:23 pm
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bevdee
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GG

I stumbled on this in my googling-

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously

give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

January 20, 2007
9:25 pm
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bevdee
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oops -It is by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love

January 20, 2007
11:35 pm
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ggfred4
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Bev, thank you for sharing that with me...I loved it...I am going to print that out, want to reread it...many times...thanks so much....

Have done lots of school work today and more to do tomorrow...Nervous and excited about Monday...

Did you take any baby steps????

January 21, 2007
4:51 am
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bevdee
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Mmmmm

no it rained all day- buckets of rain. I hate to drive in the rain.

January 21, 2007
10:23 am
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ggfred4
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bev,
I know about the rain, been the same here in LA...think it came from TX...and still raining...sick of it...maybe today??? a movie??? baby step????

I have to mention something tugging at me that I just read on Lolli's thread, but it is not the place for me to jump in, because it is off the subject. I can't let it go though and thought I would get your thoughts if you don't mind. In her last post, she was talking about her bf....and the phrase that said something like,....take the focus off of him....that struck home. This is a problem I have had throughout my marriage and has really bothered me recently. He never takes blame for anything. He can even be the master of turning the focus so off of himself and actually by the end of the conversation, I will have convinced myself that I was the cause of the blame. That aside, I saw this happen yesterday, in fact, happens almost daily (the taking the focus off)...I am just wondering why now....if there is anything I can do....I don't know...just know that phrase hit me...hit me hard.

January 21, 2007
10:53 am
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bevdee
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Good morning GG-

I had an ex (Luc, the abuser) that did that - man he was so good at it. So is my mom. Luc would actually turn it around so that it was my fault that he hit me. Sometimes when it was time to pay the rent, he would have to confess he had drank it or spent his half on drugs- then he would cry about how miserable his life was, what a fu**ed up childhood he had.

Then I read about it in one of the many books I read. Oh what is this technique called? Deflection? The - I know what YOU are but what am I? I will have to look.

When they do it, it was usually so unexpected, it could confuse me enough to distract me, put me on the defensive, and possibly make me forget what the original point of the conversation was. I believe this was their intent.

A long time ago, I read a book by Wayne Dyer called Pulling Your Own Strings. It helped me to realise the tactics people use to avoid the issue at hand.

For instance, I used to let even store clerks intimidate me. I had some furniture in storage, and one month, I went to pay it, and check on the unit, and it was flooded. I immediately went to the clerk to tell her what had happened, and she said,"yeah we know" I told her that the furniture needed to be moved immediately to a unit that was not flooded. She started this crying!! She told me that she was having this real bad day, and she just couldn't deal with it.

I looked at her and said, "I am sorry your life is so painful for you right now, but that really doesn't have anything to do with my furniture. I have paid yall to protect it. If you are unable to do so because of your hard time, may I have the number of the owner so he can help me?"

She got a new unit for me, and help moving the heavier items.

I have to stay focused, because I grew up with this style of dealing with the matter at hand.

January 21, 2007
10:58 am
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ggfred4
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Thanks bev, the word deflection sounds right...and you said something that hit home also...

When they do it, it was usually so unexpected, it could confuse me enough to distract me, put me on the defensive, and possibly make me forget what the original point of the conversation

After some conversations were over...I would think, now what just happened here? I would be lost and really forget the origin of the conversation.

Well, Lolli's phrase gave me something to think about; thanks for your input...sure nice to know that I am not alone here in these issues.

Now, about those baby steps today?????

January 21, 2007
10:58 am
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bevdee
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Okay

Here is something else I do- repeat the question. Don't answer the accusations he hurls back at you, but repeat the same question.

This is a more effective way to deal with this style of changing the subject- because you won't allow it. Repeat the question until YOU wear him down, instead of HIM wearing you down.

Told you I am stubborn.

January 21, 2007
11:02 am
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ggfred4
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Okay, great suggestion...repeat the question, repeat the question....gonna try it...

Right now, I am trying to step out a bit in this healing-recovery whatever it is called thing. He is balking every step I have taken. War will be declared this year if I continue to move forward.

January 21, 2007
11:05 am
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bevdee
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Oh you are doing good at that focusing, whether you realise it or not!! baby steps - I may do something, but it will just be a matter of going shopping for some cosmetics or to the flea market. Please understand that any shopping expedition is a "step" for me, because I hate to spend money, and I hate to go to large stores. I like to shop on-line, and prefer small markets to supermarkets.

What I plan on doing this afternoon is some decorating. When I moved here in August, I moved fast, and packed alot of stuff on the front porch. I am finally feeling caught up on my schoolwork, and WANT to fix this place up. So, with this energy, I am going out to go through old boxes, and if I can't find anything I want to decorate with, I will go to BigLOTS! to see what they have. I like to spraypaint stuff and antique finish old cruddy stuff - to make it look like --oh, I don't know-- just old stuff.

January 21, 2007
11:08 am
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bevdee
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"He is balking every step I have taken. War will be declared this year if I continue to move forward."

Wow. So he's gonna fight you on it. He is comfortable with the relationship as it is? And the fact that you are unhappy is not as important to him as preserving his comfort level?

January 21, 2007
11:13 am
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ggfred4
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He tells me he is satisfied how things are....I guess it is!!! for him!!! My happiness is something he would like me to take care of without it affecting or bothering him in any way.

Gotta go for awhile....thanks bev..will check back when i can..

I still want to know if you took a baby step...

January 21, 2007
12:45 pm
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haha,

gg, you are doing really well with that "repeat the question" technique, right here! In books I've read on assertiveness, some call it "the broken record".... which folks our age understand :o)

I just had a minute to drop by this morning and read some threads I don't usually read... hope you guys don't mind me barging in. I am vicariously enjoying your mutual support.

good wishes to both of you, your friend kroika

January 21, 2007
1:39 pm
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bevdee
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Kroika

You are NOT barging!! It's always nice to hear from you.

January 21, 2007
4:23 pm
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ggfred4
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Hey kousin,,,glad you stopped by...well to be honest, haven't really implemented the repeat question technique yet, practicing in my head...so nice to hear from you!!!

bev, a baby step is a baby step...It is a step!!! You seem to be one productive woman!!!

January 21, 2007
4:50 pm
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thanks for the welcome :o)

gg, I meant you were repeating the question *here*, at AAC, to bevdee -- when you keep asking her about whether she has taken a baby step yet.

So you are doing more than practicing it inside your head. And in fact, you are also demonstrating another principle which is to start first in low-risk situations. Trying things out with either a stranger or someone who is *not* a problem and who you don't expect to react badly, is a great way to get into the new habit and get some confidence under your belt.

carry on! back to the sidelines for kousin k...

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