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Bummin' hardcore (Baby Steps needs support)
November 10, 2004
6:30 am
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babysteps
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I wish I was the one not returning the phone calls. 🙁

November 10, 2004
9:21 am
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balancesekr
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Good morning Baby Steps,
I understand why you didn't call that night, it makes sense. Good for you knowing what you can and want to handle. You took a step back and waited.

It's no fun when a phone call isn't returned, whether it's a friend or b/f. Lately I am trying to be really consistent with calling people back and keeping my commitments, it's important. Sometimes I feel funny returning a call right away but why not! Why play games?

Good idea to call after running. I know the past few days have been really tough for you but this is how we learn. Let me know what happens.
balance

November 10, 2004
11:28 am
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cityflyer
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These same thoughts go through my mind too. The good thing is that you are conscious of how you are thinking, etc....if u are emotional or not and make your decisions on that. Very wise and very controlled. Good for you! I still think you need to wrap this one up for your peace of mind....when u are ready. But it would do no harm giving him a call. Play it cool but in a way you don´t show yourself as needy, possesive etc but just controlled, resolute and because you deserve an answer out of respect at least if he cares for you as he should.

All the best and loads of hugs

City

November 10, 2004
8:46 pm
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babysteps
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Okay; I called him about an hour ago. He didn't answer his cell phone, so I just left a message saying I wanted to see how things were going and told him to call me back if he wanted to. I guess that's all I can really do. I let him know I was interested in talking, and now the choice is his (a choice that I have no control over).

So, I suppose that is it...if I don't hear from him, then I need to just accept that something was "up" without knowing what happened and just move on?

Remind me that an unreturned phone call doesn't reflect my worth as a person.

Remind me that at some point in my life someone will treat me better than I could ever imagine that I deserve to be treated.

Remind me that I'm kind, intelligent, "real," beautiful, etc. regardless of this situation.

Sometimes I can't seem to convince myself of the above. 🙁

Baby Steps

November 10, 2004
10:10 pm
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babysteps-

sometimes it's so hard when we evaluate ourselves based on another's treatment of us. so often there are countless factors that have nothing to do with us as people that are elements in the circumstance that leads this person to hurt us. this is especially so when two people don't even know each other well enough to begin with, nothing to base an evaluation on.

still, it's painful. and it's hard to listen to your intellect when your feelings are stomped on, your self esteem bruised, or your heart hurt.

you might feel lousy because he didn't call back, you might feel like you are not "worthy"... but these are feelings... not facts...

besides... if he does not return your calls at all, i think we can safely say at that point, his manners are abysmal. you deserve someone with at least the common decency to return phone calls with SOME kind of explaination, whether they are rejecting you or not. a man that can't at least face a woman and tell her that he is not interested, is not a man. ugh. you deserve better, at least if he doesn't check in w/you, you know what kind of worm you saved yourself the trouble of dating.

sorry, i'm in a harsh mood! he better come through!

-ella

November 11, 2004
6:19 am
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babysteps
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Ha ha ha...great post, Ella. It made me smile. Hmm...well, after convincing myself that he wouldn't call me back, he did! Unfort. I missed the call because I was putzing around not expecting him to call. So, I called him back and left him a message (I saw he called about an hour after he did)telling him I'd be up for a little longer and to give me a call when he had the chance.

So, I guess the ball is back in his court. At least I am not too emotional about this...just perplexed. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I have enjoyed spending time with him. I know that the past two weeks have been pretty hectic and busy for both of us, and that neither one of us was in a very good mood...so, maybe it was better for us to not talk for a few days and use that time to get our heads on straight...at least, I know it was good for me because no I don't feel that emotional urgency I am used to feeling when I feel powerless.

I guess all I can do now is to just wait and see what happens?

Baby Steps

November 11, 2004
6:58 am
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cityflyer
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Good for you Baby. Right on girl!

You are so right about reminding yourself of your self worth. We often look too much at what others think of us and make that more important than how we see ourselves. Looking for acceptance from others. Focussing outwards rather than inwards. Requires work but we will all feel so much more in control and harmony with ourselves. Empowerment!

The ball IS in his court, entirely. If he doesn´t get back to you, he´s out of the door. Don´t waste any more time or thoughts on him.

City

November 11, 2004
5:22 pm
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babysteps
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Thanks for the dose of reality, City. Sometimes I need someone else to shake me or kick me in the ass and make me realize that I never need to settle for anything in my life.

Do you think we will ever get to the point where we will have realistically high standards for people's treatment of us, or do you think it will always be a struggle b/t not feeling worthy and feeling like we deserve it?

This stuff will never cease to boggle my mind.

Baby Steps

November 12, 2004
2:03 am
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balancesekr
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hey Baby Steps,
I think it's great that you aren't feeling that emotional urgency, that's progress.

Regarding the standards, I think it will be a balancing act and that sometimes we are going to feel worthy and sometimes we will question ourselves and have to pull ourselves up by the boot straps.

I know that my new guy is really impressed with me and my direction, and that I know what I want...

I am almost afraid to let him down, I wonder does he like me, or all the things I do, or is that part of me... know what I mean?

And I know that as things progress I will for sure feel not worthy, questions myself and feel like a pain in the butt- but I am going to do my best to talk back to those feelings. Hope this makes sense, I am kinda tired YAWN... good night.
Balancesekr

November 12, 2004
6:16 am
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babysteps
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Yes, Balance...it doesn't make sense what you were saying.

Here's the latest update: my cousin (who the boy has met before)went to the bar last night where he works with one of her friends. She say my new boy working and talked with him for a little bit...he was so busy and kept saying how tired he's been and how exhausted he felt. She told me that he looked absolutely drained. I know his work schedule has been bothering him lately b/c he feels tired all the time and feels as though he can't get anything done...we've talked about this alot.

Anyway, now I feel bad for him. Maybe he is just super busy right now, which is understandable. Not negating the fact that I still deserve an apology for last weekend, but maybe he is just bummed about work. That said, maybe I could call him this weekend just to see how he's doing. He is really a genuine guy, and I can't really imagine that he would just not talk to me again (esp. since he called me back the other night..."phone tag" is quite the common occurrence in my life these days).

In thinking about it, I have to remind myself that people make mistakes and say and do things without realizing the consequences. As I said, I still think I deserve an apology, but I would like him to know that I am still interested despite our schedules.

It may sound as though I am being codependent, but it feels differently. I can sense when I am not doing something that is healthy b/c I will feel a weird knot in my stomach and will hear a voice in my head saying "uh oh." I don't hear that this time, and I don't feel overwraught with emotion.

I know that I genuinely like spending time with him, and that my schedule is just as hectic as his. This time around it is not a matter of me not wanting to let go or being afraid to let go, but more a matter of seeing if we can work things out realistically. Sure; I'd be disappointed if they didn't, but I certainly wouldn't be the basket case I have been in the past with other guys. I think, at this point, I am willing to give it another try, but still hold onto my boundaries and still keep an eye on my needs...hey, what's the worst that can happen? I realize I am not ready for that and learn some more things I need to work on?? Does this make any sense?

Baby Steps

November 12, 2004
8:35 am
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WHOOPS...Balance, it DOES make sense what you are saying...sorry about that.

November 12, 2004
9:49 am
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suninleo
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I don't want to sound mean, but no-one is ever that busy that they can't call you for 5 days! If he really respected you he would have called you to say he couldn't hang out on Friday, to say the least. You sound like a genuine, caring person and my guess is that you want to be involved with the type of person who at least thinks about you enough to call you back. You deserve better than this, I know his rejection might be making you feel desperate but you're the one in control, take control of the situation and say "I want and deserve better than this"

November 12, 2004
10:15 am
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balancesekr
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Good morning Baby Steps,
I agree with suninleo... let's say hypothetically, he forgot that he was supposed to call you, but then he doesn't call for days? That's weird. I don't know how often you guys were talking, if it was almost every day and then to drop off the earth like that is messed up.

I wouldn't wait too long to talk to him about this. Ask yourself, what are you looking for from him at this point. Then call him up and find out what's the deal.

My ex, as busy as he always was, always called me.

balance

November 12, 2004
10:21 am
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babysteps
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We don't talk everyday. We actually only spoke about 2 or 3 times a week because of our schedules. He called me back Wednesday, but we ended up playing phone tag...he knows I go to bed early.

I think I am going to call Sat. and just see how he responds. He was the one calling me most of the time, so I can't help but wonder if he's sitting back and waiting to see if I will call him. I don't know...I am so confused and really just want to know what's up with him. 🙁

November 12, 2004
4:31 pm
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babysteps
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I don't know if I will ever be "healthy." Maybe I am just destined to be alone for the rest of my life...seems as though I can't keep anyone around. 🙁

November 12, 2004
9:14 pm
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balancesekr
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That's not true. You said your cousin said he looked worn out and since you only spoke every few days maybe he just forgot to call you. That's no excuse but, I don't know who called who last... I would just call say hi and ask what happened. Be bold, why not, find out what is the deal. The less you look at this like you are chasing him the better, you just want to know what's going on because you like him. Maybe it's not as bad as you think, I know it's so easy to feel that way though.

You are thoughtful, sensitive, smart, funny, should I go on??? You can be bold, couragueos (I can't spell that word 🙂 )
So, remind yourself of your worth to yourself and to me and everyone else here who benefits from you sharing!!! Balance

November 12, 2004
9:36 pm
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Sniffle, sniffle...your post made me cry, Balance. I hate that this road to recovery is so bumpy and rough. I guess the perfectionist in me just wants to be "healed" and healthy, which is entirely unrealistical since I am undoing 17 years of codependent thinking and behavior.

I just can't help but think that everything is so much easier for everyone else. That things just fall into place and that we have to struggle and struggle and struggle with every minute thing on a daily basis. I am sure that's not really the case (everyone probably puts on a really good show); I am just frustrated and venting.

This recovery stuff is so hard. I hate feeling insecure; I hate doubting my own self-worth. I hate feeling as though I don't really fit in anywhere. Tough, tough stuff.

Baby Steps

November 13, 2004
12:28 am
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I think what struck me the most were your comments of having to be in control. Is this the core characteristic of co-dependency? I have been and continue to be in the frame of mind, that if I can't predict or tell what is going on, it feels awful. I am at the point in my life were I am just accepting and understanding that men just don't think and react the way us females would in many situations. They sometimes just seem not to call because they just didn't call. We sometimes read more into it then we should. I understand he said he would call, but you know, he may of just not thought it was a big deal to touch base again. Rude, I agree but to him probably not a big deal. If a pattern were to arise I would definitely keep track of that and wonder what was going on. I know what you are going through, I am trying to understand a person right now who calls but when I return his calls it seems he is never reachable. It seems that unless he has a clear objective and plan he seems not to be able to just talk. Or he takes my return message as a o.k. I have done my job and she will wait until I have a definitive plan. Hell, what else am I to do? Hope this makes sense. One day at a time.

November 13, 2004
7:15 am
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babysteps
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Princess,

From what I've read and talked about with my therapist, codependency can manifest itself in a number of ways...perfectionism and the need to control are two ways my codependency comes out.

I am trying really hard to realize that the world isn't going to fall apart or abruptly stop if I am not making all the effort or doing all the work. That people aren't going to stop caring for me because I set boundaries and say "no" when I need to take care of myself.

I am trying to relax and just let things happen, but every so often, I get so anxious and feel as though I will never be able to accept the fact that I don't need to control everything in my life. I guess I still want to believe emotionally that I can change people (and their ideas, beliefs, and behavior).

Does that make any sense?

Baby Steps

November 13, 2004
8:02 pm
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Okay; I made the choice to call him one more time and feel things out. He called me back from work (which is not an easy task when he works as a bartender at a very busy bar). We talked for a few minutes, and things felt good. he seemed to be back to his "normal" self. He told me he would call me soon, and I let him know that I wanted to hang out with him. He told me he wanted to hang out too, and he just needed to get some things done so he can breathe easy.

I feel much better after calling b/c I was able to let him know where I stand. I know that whether things work out or not, I feel much more capable of walking away (if need be) since I was able to be honest with him and myself.

I think it was also good that we haven't talked for a few days b/c I was able to see what I needed to work on.

Baby Steps

November 15, 2004
6:36 am
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It is a good thing he called me back from work, right? Sometimes my vision is so clouded that I can't just accept things for what they are.

November 15, 2004
2:08 pm
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balancesekr
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hi Baby Steps,
Sure it's OK he called from work, why not. Take it slow, baby steps!
Balance

November 15, 2004
7:43 pm
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Ugh; I wish I could give my brain a rest. I can't help but wonder whether him telling me that he will call me when he got some things done was just an excuse (I do know for a fact that he has a ton on his plate b/t work and school; we've talked about that alot).

Yet, the other part of me tells myself that he wouldn't have called from work if he wasn't interested.

Blech, blech, blech. I wish I could know exactly what he was thinking.

I guess all I can do is relax and see what happens? And trust that what is meant to happen, will happen? I feel so foolish believing that stuff. 🙁

Baby Steps

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