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bullets on the table
April 8, 2007
4:55 pm
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thedogsmom
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my best friend- I'd say who's got the codependency bug worse than me- came home from a recent trip to find two bullets on the table. She has been in a bad relationship for 9 years with a cheatin- fellow who goes out night-clubbing every weekend. She wants to be OUT of the relationship and has SLOWLY lost the love for him- though not entirely. She is not doing well financially and had decided to stay with him (as a roomate) till the lease was up in March. She told him months ago that she was no longer his girlfriend and that she would be moving out so that he was free to do whatever he pleases. Then to finalize things for her she went out and slept with someone else. He doesn't know- but she's not hiding anything as she feels she is free. He just feels her slipping away and seems lost as his old tactics to keep her home aren't working. She is traveling and visiting friends to get away and find some happiness.

On this last trip away she invited him along but he said he didn't want to waste his money on a room and concert tickets. (although he spends plenty of money on boozing and nights at the bar with other woman).

When she returned she found two bullets on the table. Then he called her at work- and called her derogatory names--tramp-whore..etc..
They argued and she told him she was giving him 30days notice to move out.

He changed his attitude and tryed the-- I'm sorry- It bothers me when you leave and I was mad- I'm not mad at you anymore..."

Should I be concerned about the bullets.
She says he isn't violent?
But we think it was a subtle threat.
TDM

April 8, 2007
5:13 pm
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beyondcodependency
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hello, i feel for your friend, you ask if she should be concerned about the bullets....yes, definately. i have been a codependent in recovery for many, many years....and i have learned so much about abuse, manipulation, and codependency....his leaving 2 bullets lying on the table for her to find could just have been manipulation..on his part to make her feel guilty, pity him, want to stay around to "watch" him...there are so many ways that he could be imagining that she would react if he left them lying there....she could either be scared of him and stay cuz she is scared....or feel guilty for leaving him alone ....etc...etc...
but he could have also left them lying there as a warning...maybe it is the first sign of how codependent he is on her....the old threat of "if you leave me i may shoot myself ...or you"..
be it manipulation, guilt laying, scare tactics...whatever reason he did it for...he obviously did it for her to see....
if it were me in that situation...after years of growing in my recovery, i would take it seriously because you can never control another person no matter how hard you try and she can not possibly know what is going on inside his head....
i live in a very small town, and over the past few years there have been alot of murder-suicides around me in my local communities...
you just never know for sure what a person is thinking...
please tell your friend to be very careful, talk to people about this, ask for help and advice, and to take seriously every action he performs...because in the world of codependency every action someone takes is taken for a reason.....
please tell her she does not deserve to come into her home and be afraid of "why are there 2 bullets lying on my table?"....her home should be her sanctuary.....
i hope she will be ok.

May 2, 2007
3:46 am
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thedogsmom
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thanks for your thoughtful response. It means a lot to me. She finally asked him what the bullets were for. He said.. Well one is for you and the other is for me. She said Well could you use yours first?... He started treating her real nice afterward. I think he is VERY afraid of losing her and feels her slipping away. She does feel a bit threatened and is not sure what to expect-but doesn't believe he would be one to really kill her or himself. She wants to disappear though and is making a game plan to do so. I hope she does it before it is too late. She did take a picture of the bullets and taped some of the nasty messages he sent her--and I assured her I would go to the police IF anything ever happened to her...but then again.. that would be too late.. I just PRAY she finds the strength and courage to leave. She has done SO much for this man who just doesn't seem to really appreciate her.
TDM

May 2, 2007
7:16 am
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sad sack
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Dear Thedogsmom,

I am sorry I missed this thread the first time around. I went back to read your first post and I immediately was quite alarmed.

You have every reason to be concerned about your friend. Of course, she feels that he is not the type that would harm her or himself. NO one wants to believe that someone they once loved has the potential to actually kill them! But she is foolish to think that way. Does she watch the news and/or read the newspapers? Every day, there is a story about a husband/boyfriend/exboyfriend who killed his partner because he was rejected. Perhaps, he is not the type. But she has to prepare as if he is capable. She has to devise a plan to escape. She should consult a domestic abuse counselor. That person is trained and could help her leave the relationship the best way possible. Anyone who would leave bullets as a threat is desperate. He sounds as if he is close to a breakdown of some sorts. Please stress the seriousness to your friend. I am glad that she is documenting his behavior (taking pictures, recording messages). But that won't help her if he decides to act upon his threats. So my suggestion, have her go to the police and talk with the domestic violence detective. Or is she does not want to go that route, she can go to a counselor in her area. But to take this lightly would be a huge mistake.

I am glad that she has you as her support. She needs to call in all of her support networks right now.

Sad

May 4, 2007
1:47 am
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thedogsmom
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hi, thanks for responding sad sack.
Yes, I'm scared for her too. I think he is scared that she will really leave him- and she said herself -she thinks he may have a 'loose screw". She is now falling into a depression again- so I hope she can pull herself together to move forward with her plans to leave. I really don't think she will talk to a domestic abuse counseler. But I am trying my best to get her to see a counseler and get help for her codependency. Thanks for caring. It's true.. too many stories of nice normal neighbors found dead when the wife files for divorce.!

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