Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Bulfinch seeks advice
March 8, 2008
7:29 pm
Avatar
Bulfinch
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Folks

I am new to this site, I have come across co dependency in voluntary work with alcoholics. It sums up my life really, I have never felt good enough, never deserved anything, always had "potential"but never delivered, was always compared to others and told to conform and I also show controlling traits, I had a drink problem in my teens, was bullied at school I feel empty, vulnerable and my life is now in meltdown. I often think that there is no point to life and I think if i was not such a coward, dying would be a release.

I have read some of the threads on here and I have to say that after two deacdes of marriage I have for thr first time been seeing someone outside my marriage. My wife has suffered from various forms of depression for the most of our marriage. With the help of medication she is starting to get her life back on track, but my life has started to unwind. I have employment issues and am now suffering financial problems, but this is not the worst, I fell in love when I was very young, by 16 I was sure of those feelings, unfortunately due to shyness and poor (lack of) communication we parted and lost contact, from that point on I was unable to form relationships (about 7 years) until I met my wife. We split once before marrriage and my wife says that she did not trust me for the first 10 years of our marriage. She also found it difficult to express love, and so I was left to try to be a good husband. (my wife recently said that if I had been trying for all those years, then it wasn't very good). A few months ago I got in contact with the person from my teens, we met and I had the feeling of coming home, I said nothing of my feelings, as they frightened me, and left, we exchanged emails and slowly she revealed that she had strong feelings for me, for the first time in a long time I thought, I cannot lie just to continue in my marriage and I told the other person how I felt, since then we have seen each other on several occasions and for the first time I feel loved and accepted.

I feel etremely guilty about what I am doing, I was counselled when it first happened that I should break off the relationship, and say nothing to my wife. This did not work, I tried breaking off the relationship, but the feelings are too strong. I want to speak to my wife, but I don't know what to say, we have children. i feel I have let my wife and my children down, I did not see this coming and was weak and gave in. But, in a way I realise I have done something I wanted to do, not something that was expected of me, or followed what I perceive to be the norms. I am frightened. After so many years of marriage I can't say I don't love love my wife, but I don't know whether she loves me, respects me or has just settled because all those years ago we needed someone.

I hope there is someone out there with some advice.

March 8, 2008
10:22 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bulfinch- Hello. Welcome. Sounds like you found the right place. Sounds like you have been through a lot of pain in your life and in your marriage.

I am happy that you rekindeled an old friendship and found love. You deserve to be loved and to love in return.

Relationships are about feelings. Good ones.

Guilt is a terrible thing.

March 8, 2008
10:33 pm
Avatar
Codi202
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hugs, Bulfinch.
Keep posting.

March 8, 2008
10:39 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don't think that there is anything "wrong" with the feelings you have, but, I would suggest ending your marriage BEFORE you pursue this relationship.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy, or admitting that you are not. At some point, you have to choose for your feelings to matter.

I understand the not knowing if you are loved and respected in your marriage.

Please do what it takes to make you happy, but I would STRONGLY reccomend doing it in the way that is LEAST likely to hurt you or your family.

To love someone (such as your wife) isn't always enough. Love does not make everything ok. It is ok to love someone and live without them. Sometimes the ones we love the most are the ones we have to live without.

Reading your post, I bleieve that you do love your wife. However, I do think that it is only fair to tell her the truth. That is what I would want.

Being a depressed person, I can understand how that could cause the pain that you speak of. It is hard, and it is impossible to control on our own. BUT, it is a choice. If your wife has tried to do something about it, that is one thing. Are you standing beside her and supporting her? OR Is she trying to do it alone?? The causes of depression often make trust a difficult thing. If you are not the cause of that mistrust though, you should not be made to suffer for the rest of your life for it. You can love her, without living with her.

If you feel like you have given it your all and you are still not happy, or loved or respected, then it is ok. It is ok to let it all go, for your happiness. It isn't selfish to want to be happy. You deserve that. We all deserve to be loved and accepted, and trusted.

That is my two cents worth. I don't know if it helps or not, but that is my opinion for what it is worth.

Best of luck to you, no matter what you choose in the long run.

March 8, 2008
10:41 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bulfinch -

Hello and welcome as well.

Can I ask how old your children are?

Please keep posting. I will try to help you as much as I possibly can. Finding this site and the wonderful people on it will help you alot.

Does the other person that you rekindled a relationship - know that you are married?

March 8, 2008
11:03 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bulfinch -

It is hard to have your heart and love being one place -the relationsip that you have rekindled because you knew that you were in love with that person - and - still be in a relationship with another person that you still care about.. have children with and a long history with.

March 8, 2008
11:07 pm
Avatar
marypoppins
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bulfinch,

Welcome to the site.

When my child was just a year old, my husband at the time got involved with another woman. I turned to someone for comfort and ended up having an affair with him. I remember feeling VERY accepted, understood, desired, and so on. It was intoxicating, exciting, liberating. It was a guy who had wanted me for a long time - his words. Our marriages eventually ended, we continued to see one another, but all of the REAL issues, the issues disregarded during the affair, had to be addressed. I'm no longer with that guy, but I have chased and fought with those feelings I had during that affair for many years.

So I join the others who advise you to resolve things with your wife and yourself first. Everyone needs to be able to trust one another in your situation. And a relationship that begins as an affair is based on lies. At the time, I thought that didn't matter. But it does. I wouldn't do it again, and I regret having done it. It was an incredible high, but oh what a big price.

All the best to you.

Mary

March 9, 2008
12:18 am
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You stated that your wife had suffered from depression in varies form throughout your marriage. What was (or were) the causes of this depression?

March 9, 2008
5:34 am
Avatar
Bulfinch
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi All

Thank you for your responses, I am overwhelmed.

Tender Heart:

Living with a depressed person is very hard, my wife was in counselling from an early age (15 ish) and has been on medication (getting the balance has been an issue), but with PMT and Post Natal Depression, it is just a whammy of emotions and spirals. I did bury myself in work, but we were young and had acute financial problems, a young child and no support, due to the depression she had / has no relationship with her close family and therefore relied 100% on me. I was very inexperienced and had no clue what I was dealing with. So I would like to think I was supportive, but looking back I probably wasn't. I did try to protect, but recently was told that I had become the problem. So over protection is also no good and I think if I was to do it again, I would do it differently, I would have to be a better listener and not keep seeking answers.

Red Blonde:

My Children are in their mid / late teens. Both seem amazingly well balanced and normal, but know that they live in a home that is not "normal"

The other complication is that the other person is in a similar situation, I do not want to be the cause of breaking up another family, and destroying other peoples lives, so I am happy with close friendship, but emotions are difficult to control and surpress. The other person will need to make a smilar journey for themselves, and I am prepared to be patient and wait, and I hope to use the time to sort out my relationship.

General:

I am seeking counselling together with my wife. She has reluctantly agreed and has said she does not want a blame seeking session for our marriage. I agree with her that this is not productive. My wife realises that I am struggling and has said that she doesn't care what I do, stay and make a go of the marriage or leave, but I am now more convinced that to have it in the open is far better than deceit. I am just scared of the unforseen (but imaginable)consequences.

I just don't know how to start with the subject, or whether to have an open discussion with the family. I have seen other posts and realise that the relationship is not the cause of the problems, they were there long before.

Once again - Thank you for your advice and responses

March 9, 2008
3:48 pm
Avatar
Celtic1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Bulfinch))

I am so sorry for your pain and confusion. But, I am happy to see you are seeking counseling.

I guess I don't understand depression or your wife's attitude about weather you stay or leave.

There are so many of us here looking for someone to care enough about us to "walk the road" with us I am saddened by your wife's attitude. She seems to have someone who will walk and learn with her but she dosen't seem to care.

I may be misreading this whole thing.

I am sure you are not perfect
but..... we are only human.

Oh 1 more thing. I agree with Tender Heart who said "don't begin the other relationship BEFORE the marriage is over." And, (OK 2 things) even being close friends at this point is dangerous for everyone concerned.

Be carful and caring with yourself.

Celtic

March 9, 2008
3:56 pm
Avatar
marypoppins
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bulfinch,

I'm also happy to read that you're going to counseling. The first thing our marriage counselor told us when my exh and I were in counseling was to let go of the other people we were seeing - as friends or otherwise. If you are or are becoming emotionally attached to this other woman, counseling will not be successful. Your wife will also have to address her issues with this other man.

Whatever the result, exploring your relationship with a counselor is a good thing. You can learn how to better communicate with each other, how to deal with your children, how to establish better boundaries, and so on.

My exh was unwilling to WORK in counseling, so we never got anywhere. But if you and your wife are both willing to give counseling an honest try, you will benefit.

Take care!

Mary

March 9, 2008
6:46 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bulfinch -

You might also consider counseling just for you alone.

It is good that you and your wife are in counseling together.

I do think honesty and communication between your wife and yourself are the most important thing at the moment. I don't think that letting go of the 'other' people is as paramount as the honesty. If there isn't any honesty, then the two of you cannot move forward or move on, because it will just be living a lie or with a lie.

But like Mary says: "But if you and your wife are both willing to give counseling an honest try, you will benefit." And you will not feel bad or guilty, if it fails." That is only my opinion.

March 9, 2008
8:19 pm
Avatar
Bulfinch
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi, once again thanks

I read somewhere that if you were seeking counselling (for myself) you should check to make sure counsellors were aware of Co-dep stuff, I have the possibility to go to a "celebrate recovery" group that I think share the same 12 step ethos as Coda. But I am not sure as everyone knows everyone else (through a church) and I am not sure I would trust baring my sole so openly. I saw that Coda have meeting groups and i am happy to give them a try, but would be interested if people have experience.

March 9, 2008
8:33 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

That is true, Bulfinch, but you must also feel comfortable enough with the counselor so that you can talk about what feelings and thoughts are. The 'celebrate recovery' group sounds good, but if you are not trusting to bare your soul because of others that you may know..that could present a problem and hinder any work that you want to do on yourself. I often found that I was more comfortable with baring my soul to strangers than those I knew. For me, it helped because there were people who had or were going through the same thing I was or had similar experiences and I didn't feel so 'alone' in my thoughts and feelings.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
48
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110905
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38534
Posts: 714189
Newest Members:
sendlv, ViolentFighterBrownCaveman, kbrfDazy, traceyob69, JohnMeave, EthanDiord
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer