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*Buffy*
July 29, 2005
7:26 am
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Anam Cara
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Good morning loverly! Have fun - just copied the quotes - will use them with my French friends.
Want to know all your french news on your return.
AC

July 31, 2005
3:32 pm
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((((((((((AC))))))))))))))

~love charlie~X

July 31, 2005
3:41 pm
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Okay, a hug is not enough!! I have so much I'd like to discuss with you, but I have a feeling my husband is checking in from time to time-although he swears he's not. I feel bound. Will have to make some decisions for myself for a change and will be back here to talk, and read about all the interseting things you get up to!!!

Hope you had a great weekend!!!

love charlieX

August 2, 2005
2:04 pm
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AC
(Pasting this from the Isla Bonita thread.)

I have actually told my husband the latest, so he won't find out any surprises here. That way, I can write how I am feeling here without a huge bust up. He did say let's get divorced, but then said he did not want to do that but that he is disappointed in me and begged me to stop.

I met another guy - he was a builder working on the house next door, and I used to talk to a little him each day. He is tall, (I am 5ft 9) and sweet and funny, and cute too. I decided it would be fun, like a challenge, to seduce him, because I need this constant validation that I am attractive still. So I asked for his card, and said we maybe needed some jobs doing. It had a mobile number on it so I sent a friendly text with a smiley face on it joking about how nice and quiet it was now they had gone, and that I would be calling for a quote soon. He texted back saying he was going to be working in the neighbourhood for the next few weeks, and left it at that. I sent one back asking him if he would like to meet for a drink.

He texted straight back and agreed. So we went for a drink in a country pub, we talked and got on really well. He's married with three children and also plays on a national cricket team.

I complimented him, asked all about his background, flattered him and made him feel special, and told him how attractive and funny he was. It worked like a charm.

Then the whole texting thrill began, and we met again and kissed. It was mind blowing. I have NEVER felt that way before. I told him that we should end things because I was afraid to get too attatched ( but really it's because of my low self esteem and personality whereby I fall in love and then become obsessed), I just wanted something that's missing from my life - which is passion. But then I end up not knowing what I want. I am older than him, and he said he loved his wife, but that there are 'different kinds of love'. When I tried to end it, he sent texts saying that he didn't want to end things. Since then, I have got cold feet, because we had planned to drive somewhere remote and have sex in the back of his van, and carry out some fantasies...

And I don't think I could go through with it. I would have to be drunk to lose my inhibitions.

I'm sorry if this is too much information. But I wanted to be the kind of woman who could do all that, and it seems I'm not.

I really liked him alot, and I am going to miss him. And I don't know if I will do this again with another guy. It's like I can't stop myself.

We are going away to France next week, and so I will be away from here. I need to refocus.

I have already started to think about him and how I'm going to miss him, and what he thinks of me.........

Tell me again, how do I go about learning to love myself?

Just wanted to add to that, that I also did it because I wanted to see if I could feel something again for a guy. Obviously you know the state of my marriage, (where I went from ending the relationship with my ex last year back into a loveless marriage in which my husband then cheated on me.) I was burnt out with regrets of lost love and the passion I had felt was sucked right out of my soul, as I had to watch my ex become successful, and rich and replace me with another woman, who he is still with..

I needed to know if it's possible to erase the 'memory' of that gut wrenching feeling. To be able to move on as everyone used to tell me to.

In order to move on, I needed to replace the empty space which was all I had left of my ex (the love of my life), with some new love...

My father had an affair with a younger woman when I was a teenager. Lots of my friends have cheated. My husband cheated on me. I cheated on him. Immorality is all I know.

And now I feel empty again, and that's when it all goes down hill for me....

I just needed to say all that, I hope you don't mind. You don't have to respond to me anymore if you find me too abhorrent..

But I hope you do,

~charlie~X

August 2, 2005
4:53 pm
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Anam Cara
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Dear charlie - you are too special for me not to respond. I CAN get my head around the feelings you have expressed and I don't think you are trailer trash. But my love - there must be another way for you to feel you are attractive. You know you are of course because you only have to blink at a guy and he wants to take you for a ride ( forgive the pun).

You continue to fish in dangerouse waters charlie - are you determined to dwell in this soulless fishery for ever. Enjoy France - give much thought about awaking the ego of married men. We are sad sods really and would find it hard to resist a fling with you. But in the end this conduct builds nothing of importance - just grief all round. AC

August 4, 2005
3:14 am
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Anam, thank you. You are the voice of reason!!

And I am SOOOOOOO glad you are here.

~love, charlie~XXX

August 4, 2005
6:02 am
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Anam Cara
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Much alike - I need a women to make me whole. charlie take a little time to think before you plunge in next time. Gosh you need a builder like I need a pain in the neck. You are such fun .Like the member of my staff ( I once told you about) Carol - who chucked all her goods out front before she had the shelves built in the shop window.
Build slowly - in a postive way - like one of the three little pigs.
AC

August 4, 2005
11:01 am
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The one with the brick house, right?! (And the builders and the gas station guys are the big bad wolves?!) I get it! : )

Talking of fairy tales, I feel like the wicked queen in Sleeping Beauty, watching younger women blossom and shine, while my own beauty fades...

And I want to replace lost youthfulness with wisdom, but I have never been more dumb..

I am considering plastic surgery. What do you think? I know you will have a p.o.v. which will make me think again!!

I need to get off to France, but I have five more days...

~love, charlie~X

August 4, 2005
11:02 am
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SNOW WHITE, dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

August 4, 2005
12:16 pm
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Anam Cara
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charlie - If you are dumb then you are too clever for me. Finding the answer - 'That Is The Question' Your mood swings are I think what troubles your inner women. As I said you are too clever by half when you have your self cornered - your personality out wits all common sense.

One thing in common with all of your exploits is the result of your clever self. Are you a victim of stupid behaviour? Probably not! But who is I wonder?

Really charlie - your fear of getting old and losing your looks and the chase - I don't buy that one because to live with you to the end of ones life would be time worth spending for any man.
Sure you are a flirt and I am sure the outer shell takes a mans fancy - but what about the inner soul - who's thirst hangs out like a dry tongue. Get off your fancy and live with your intellect which is like a fly to flypaper for the man who wants beyond the obvious . Shaking that arse cooooo what a waste!

August 4, 2005
12:18 pm
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Anam Cara
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charlie - I know that you are always in control! But which one is at times confusing.
Love. AC.

August 4, 2005
1:05 pm
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You have got that right!!! : )

I would love to come over to Bath and drink a pint of speckled hen with you. I often wonder what it would be like to meet the AC in person. You have transformed so much of my mindset. How did I get along without you?!!!

~love, the good charlie!~XX

August 4, 2005
1:26 pm
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kathygy
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Why is this thread titled *Buffy*?

August 4, 2005
2:25 pm
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Anam Cara
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kathygy - Buffy belongs to charlie so I am not at liberty to tell (smile).
AC.

August 4, 2005
2:42 pm
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Anam Cara
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charlie -Speckled Hen and AC would be too much for you! For me also it would be far too exciting - your sexual charms would of course be noticed by all in the Saloon Bar. But AC would be captured by the extent of the intellect dressed up in the latest fashion. I can only dream up the man suitable for you - if you cross his path he will show you the complete respect you deserve. Then he will say " I see an interesting women they are difficult to find because so many are just dresses"
Seduction will occur without the usual drive out to the woods. Par for the course in successful romances in my opinion. I was seduced without love - Suffered for 15 years then spit out like a cherry pip. But boy have I wised up!
AC.

August 4, 2005
3:13 pm
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kathygy,

Just to answer your question. Buffy was chosen as a name for a baby buff coloured Orpington ~ long story lost in the portals of time; this thread goes way back. It's a frivolous thread title, but it's like a lifeline for me.

Hope you are having a great day, and I just want to take this opportunity to thank you again for a post on my thread from earlier this year, called . You wrote something along the lines of "You can start your day new at any moment". I have remembered these words...and they were enlightening to me at the time. I have come along way since then, fallen quite a few times, but I am definitely moving forward.

Take care,

~love charlie~X

August 4, 2005
3:15 pm
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Sorry, Kathygy!! The thread title you replied on, was called "antidote to a bad day"!! I don't know how it got missed out, I put brackets around it, but it didn't print. : )

August 4, 2005
3:26 pm
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AC

: (

~the bad charlie~

August 4, 2005
3:28 pm
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Only kidding!!!!

Yes maybe the speckled hen would be too much for me. But you? Never!!!!

Goodnight, my cyber-knight!!!

~love, hugs and kisses, charlie~XXXXX

August 4, 2005
6:00 pm
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Anam Cara
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Goodnight!
AC

August 5, 2005
4:53 am
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Anam Cara
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Good morning charlie. I just re-read our last few posts - think my building surveyor's life may have been wasted - maybe I would have liked to have been the builder next door or a petrol pump pimp! (smile) - makes the world go round I suppose.

Ah but the intellect has the most longest staying power after Viagra has stopped responding.

Climb aboard the clockwork horse and veiw you boundries during your trip to France.

August 5, 2005
9:38 am
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Good afternoon AC

I have had a rollercoaster of a day. My son flipped out this morning because I think he is feeling the strain of two weeks at a summer camp. I asked him if he could walk back with a friend and he said he hated me. Go figure! I am having a bad hair day with regards to my appearence, the weather is drizzly and dull, I have had the urge to text this builder guy, my husband does not want to get a divorce-practically told me that I would not survive if we did, I have not heard anything about my book, I have been unable to reconcile with one of the friends I lost over the affair I had last year (I saw her today at an end of camp BBQ), the house is a shambles, lots to do before France, I hate to have someone in the house when we are away, yet now we have a kitten, I have to let a 'friend' in to feed him - and I know she will pry. I have started to work out more at the gym but I don't seem to feel any fitter. I have a decreased appetite and can't seem to gain any weight, I felt like driving the car off the road earlier, and now I am thinking about pouring myself a glass of wine, but that will only make me more tired and I won't eat later. I have to work early tomorrow, and I am seeing friends in Bournemouth on Sunday who I haven't seen since the 'break-up' weekend I had last year with my ex, when I spent the weekend in tears at their house with everyone trying to act normal around me. I feel fragile and crazy and stupid and old. I want to find my sense of humour. I need perspective. I count my so-called blessings (like what, I'm not dead??!!). Nothing touches me. I have stopped taking my anti-depressants. Pretty sure I will kill myself within a year. No big shakes. Anyway. I liked your last post-made me sort of laugh. I will be feeling better by tea time, I'm sure. I will ride this out like I always do. Sorry to be a bore.

~love charlie~X

August 5, 2005
9:43 am
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P.S. Sometimes feels like you are the only one who understands me. X

August 5, 2005
10:08 am
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AC

I found these words just now from a suicide website. I thought I'd past them here. I don't want you to worry about me, now that I have written what I did in my last post. I have just had enough. Who said everyone has to live out their quota of life by the number of days, and not by the number experiences?

THE WORDS

A single lifetime is short, but our existence is eternal. When we commit suicide, we are attempting to run away from ourselves, which is not possible.

We may hate our life, or at least what we have let our life become, but although suicide may be tempting, suicide is not the answer.

When we feel great despair. When we feel totally alone. When we feel suicidal. We must do something, anything. If we do not do something, we will kill ourselves, either by lack of care for ourselves, or by a more direct method and suicide will solve absolutely nothing.

I disagree. It solves everything.

August 5, 2005
10:22 am
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staying hopeful
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Charlie

I don't know you but I have read a few of your posts. I'm jumping in here real quick to tell you that you are an intelligent, extremely intelligent, loving, giving woman with so much sensitivity and warmness.

I just wanted you to know this. You are in my prayers. You shall conquer the fears and despair you are going through at this time. Let people send you their positive energy to help you along the way.

prayer and thoughts for dear Charlie.
SH

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