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*Buffy*
July 3, 2005
12:45 pm
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AC

I have been fighting for my sanity this past couple of weeks. I thought I was never going to recover.

Things are pretty much under control again, but there is the latent fear...

On another note..

Just read about you seagull saga...chips and s**t...nice!!!

Sounds like you are having a fun time, enjoying the summer. Hope you can drop me a line..

~love charlie~XX

July 4, 2005
1:02 am
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Anam Cara
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charlie - I thought you must have been down under - really lovely to see you back in touch!
Had a really revealing day today - I know you will be interested. But right now I am about to watch the men's finals on recorded video. Tennis gets yer!

July 4, 2005
6:31 am
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AC

Hello again!! Nice to be back. Still feeling fragile - haven't worked for a while. My husband had to take time off, but I am making progress - taking the kids to school and maing meals..I know how pathetic it sounds, especially when I was watching Live 8 - thinking of all those people who suffer so horrifically..

Anyway, I am determined to recover fully and be strong, and keep going..

Hope you enjoy the tennis!

And enlighten me about your revealing day..

~love and hugs, charlie~XX

July 4, 2005
4:05 pm
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Anam Cara
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charlie - what happened yesterday I would share with you but on second thoughts not with the world ( smile) Nothing vital but - -----sod it cat got my tongue again!

Yes doing my best to keep sunny days in my life.

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;

These words have been playing on my mind over the last few days. Separation is like bereavement (as I have already said) . Those left to deal with the aftermath requires them to regroup their lives. Do not be so hard on yourself - take care to understand that this is a stony road for sure.

I am looking through some of my old diaries to find something to share with you of my thoughts during the dark days - yes dark days become lighter times rest assured. Hold on you have a lot to do in this life.
Much love . AC

July 4, 2005
4:14 pm
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------------------------------------
24 August 03
Bank holiday weekend. Not a good time for me it seems. Had a really nasty sort of day I shouldn't moan because Marie my next door called me in for two tea breaks today. I painted the picket fence in white gloss - had a busy morning and cooked stuffed marrow. The afternoons are becoming a pain, I find myself replaying the ground hog day i.e. each day is beginning to fold into each other - however I try to have a project finished to look back at what I accomplished yesterday.

Not sure I am doing the right thing by not going out but hanging around this place. Its very hard to describe, I do not have any interest other than staying at home, cooking. watching television - then go to bed around midnight and try to forget the blow that I have received post XXXX departure.

Must make a conscious effort to drive myself somewhere tomorrow or I will go stir crazy.

I intend to have a pint with Roger on Tuesday night. I will try and appear untroubled. I don't want to bore the poor old sod!

July 5, 2005
2:47 am
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AC

Good morning to you!

I know what you mean about sharing things - also I thank you for the 'publication' of a dark day in August from your diary. (Although the stuffed marrow sounds good!!) Diaries are so personal, and make the most tender reading..

I hope that whatever you are feeling, that you get to benefit from the irrepresible, philosophical advice you are able to give to others..

I am doing a little better, although I wake up with 'butterflies' in my stomach, as though I am about to go on stage (something I would never be able to do, btw!) . I'm not sure how to console myself. I have stopped drinking, and have some techniques ("mindfulness") which I am trying to apply to my life, but...BUT...

Aaargh...

I am so glad to be back in touch with you again - it really feels like you understand me, and you give me hope..

~love and kisses, charlie~XX

July 5, 2005
12:32 pm
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Anam Cara
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charlie - We must one day find the antidote to what ails you . Maybe the thing to do is contain it in a nutshell like I did to a friend some years back when she asked me to jot down the facts. Well it filled pages - she responded and said " condense to a third"

In a nutshell ( back in 03

The Today.

I seem to have come to the end of my life but I find myself still here. As each day passes and a new one begins, I am surprised to find that I still have to deal with it. This is a very strange new feeling because when sharing my life with a partner, I was happy to meet the challenges of each and every day. I possessed a power of mind and body, I have now come to relies that the power was only in the body.

My Oneness

I have never really wanted to deal with self issues but preferred to dwell either in the lives and times of others, or worked for the satisfaction of everyone other than me. I never realised until now, how self impossible I am!

How does it feel to face this huge issue? Well I hate it and yet unlike the norm I now refuse to look for a quick fix knowing that I have avoided this problem all my life.

What do I offer to others?

Loyalty and a slavish sort of package. Love and protection but hiding my need for them.

Self Discovery

Despite my fear about loneliness, I have a seed alive inside my mind that If I could concur these feelings I could grow tall and be far more useful.

Healing and compassion.

Many years ago I attended a large gathering held for Doris Stokes. She pointed me out among a crowd of 600 saying "you are a healer". Some months later I was invited to an evening gathering at a Spiritualist Church and along with four other practised healers I did my very best to heal people. I have now come to relies that I could not be really effective until I am whole myself. And for that alone I want to steer myself away from negative self.

My future fears

I desperately hope I can recover from this inadequacy. If this is possible then I would be far more effective and helpful to myself. With recovery I feel that I could only then be of use to others.

AC

July 7, 2005
7:05 am
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AC THANK YOU

WHY DO YOU EVEN BOTHER WITH ME?

IF I COULD PAY FOR SOMEONE TO PUT A PILLOW OVER MY HEAD RIGHT NOW.............

I have betrayed my son - I changed the names on his list of friends for secondary school (because I thought that he would be living in the shadow of one of his old friends), and now he's not with any of them. He cried last night ...it broke my heart.

I am a Judas of the worst kind.....

I want this to end.....

July 7, 2005
11:21 am
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Good Golly Miss Molly. Look you are wonderful and talented. I will not tune my ear to this negartive self! So there (smile)
chalie - we do bother about you love because your self is asking for help. Look girl we love your honest self soooooo much.
AC

July 8, 2005
9:12 am
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charlie -how are you? Try and make a daily bulletin even if you feel like s ---t.. Keep us in your focus. Ac

July 8, 2005
3:35 pm
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AC

I am just about coping. Everything seems to go wrong for me. I just have to go round pretending all the time. I hate everything about myself right now. Everything. I am literally walking around going through the motions, hating every minute. I don't seem to get refreshed by sleep. I have dreams about zombies...wierd I know...but then everything about me and my life is wierd right now. I never thought this is how things would turn out. I have never made a right decision about anything. Haven't heard anything about my book - no news is no news.

AC, Thank you for caring. I don't deserve any care. I shoot be lined up and shot..

~charlie~

July 8, 2005
3:36 pm
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sp. should should should should

fuckit

July 8, 2005
4:01 pm
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Anam Cara
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Just back from a Barbecue at the school in which my grandsons attend - then onto a pub called 'The Brain Surgery' it's a community sort of pub - a long bar where everybody speaks loud enough for anyone to butt in and talk. I love this sort of pub - lonely people feel made welcome.
I well remember such a pub when I was lost and strangely not coping. I used to go there as if I was living with a family yet I lived alone. -------- charlie - we are your family during these dark days so rest in us sweet one.

Do you know that John Ruskin had strange dreams during his break down - yet they proved his most fertile periods in which much was achieved in later times. Virginia Wolf wrote much of her best stuff during her mad periods. -------- charlie - when you can attempt your nutshell list I will be listening.

AC.

July 8, 2005
4:28 pm
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AC

To steal your phrase...(smile)...

I appreciate you SO much....

Enjoy your pint at "the lobotomy"!!

Love, your crazy needs-a-kick-up-the-a*** cyber miseryguts friend, charlie X

July 9, 2005
1:23 pm
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AC

Didn't work today, instead spent the day moving furniture around in my son's room, so it's just the way he wanted it. Found missing socks and library books from 2003 beneath his bed!!

My daughter took her first ballet exam this morning - and it went very well; plus she looked the part with her hair styled in a professional bun!!

I am much happier today. We got a kitten, a male tabby...he is already house trained and is cute as can be..

Is this the turning point for me? I hope so. I have not lamented over the ex. I have not buried my head in the pillows for at least forty-eight hours, and I am looking forward to things again...

I am going to reread your previous posts, as I know you wrote alot of good stuff back there, and I am now able to concentrate more..

Hope your weekend is going well!!

((((HUGS))))))

~love charlie~XXX

July 9, 2005
4:27 pm
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Anam Cara
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charlie - just read your post. Do you know what a breath of fresh air you really are! Gosh charlie you have the makeins of such a delightful Per.

I cannot remember the name of the movie I saw a month ago - but the plot was of interest to me. Like you and I this character could not discharge his ex love and get on with his life so he had his past relationship sort of computer withdrawn from his brain, He had to remove everything in his flat concerning his last love before he had this part of his memory destroyed. If there was a corner shop offering such a product I would camp outside to be first in.

I think sometimes that my love for her must be a figment of my imagination - because in honesty her love for me never really surmounted mine - or came near to it. So why the f---k do I get myself in such a state? Male ego? not really. I must come to accept that it was all just a con.
I saw 'Private Lives' at the Theatre the other evening. A Noel Coward best in my opinion for he dealt with such a problem concerning argumentative couples.

Glad you are the wonderful charlie again. AC.

July 9, 2005
4:36 pm
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AC

Just checking in to say 'Goodnight'!!

~love charlie~XX

P.S. You really are an amazing guy..

July 9, 2005
7:14 pm
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Goodnight charlie - My father used to sell parrafin on his coal round and Kettings flea powder. He used to write in chalk on a little black board fixed on the cart ' A spinkle at night saves many a bite!'
So again I say - good night charlie hope the bugs don't bite.

July 10, 2005
2:22 pm
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AC

I may need a pinch of that powder now that we have a cat around the place!!

I had another good day : )

Watched Bad Boys on the wide screen at work because the med centre was so quiet. Then, this afternoon had a barbeque in the back garden - a glass of Pimms, caramelised prawn and yam kebabs, Caesar salad..

My children are happy...no rows, no drama.......

Long may this continue. (Or am I tempting fate?)

Hope things are great with you..

~love and hugs, charlie~XXX

P.S. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind?

July 10, 2005
2:30 pm
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charlie - I can only dream that you are real. Spotless it was!!!
Tempting fate never - your condition is improving.
Love. AC.

July 11, 2005
3:04 am
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charlie - It makes the world such a happier place when it knows you are positive towards your talents and clear ambitions. I walk lighter today - like the early mist upon the water on a promising summers day.
AC

July 12, 2005
5:23 am
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((((((((AC))))))))))

: )

~love charlie~

July 12, 2005
12:12 pm
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Anam Cara
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chalie - Buffy is growing - he is now sitting on his father's back who is by the way at the moment standing on the window board looking at people who pass by. My young grandson took him home to play with - but returned him intact!!!

July 12, 2005
1:30 pm
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AC

: )

Glad to hear your grandson enjoyed playing with Buffy - equally glad to hear Buffy isn't sans beak!! My kids have a habit of breaking things - little by little there is not a thing in our house that is without a chip or a notch or Ribena stain!!

I practically jumped on the postman this morning, but....nothing, well execpting a few bills, and a cheap catalogue which went straight in the recyling...

Beautiful day today...hope yours was too...

~love charlie~X

July 12, 2005
5:50 pm
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charlie - hope the post brings what you are waiting for. Just in from the constant watering the pots very mundane stuff - what what!

Visited my old barracks in Winchester yesterday - walked down memory lane. I spent my national service days in Germany.
Thinking of going over to look up some old flames. I dressed up in my captains uniform on Sunday for the rememberence day in London.
Yes still fits me - the uniform took me over compleatly. gave orders to my partner who loved it for a day!
Much thoughts towards your recovery. AC.

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