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brownie's response from the other post
November 9, 2004
7:43 pm
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Hey girls,

how's life today? I'm just taking it day by day and hour by hour at times right now. I'm just trying to channel all of my energy from the hurt, anger, humiliation into motivation and inspiration. "He who laughs last laughs best" right??? I hope so. I'm realizing more and more that he will never be truly remorseful and its just a waste of time and energy to think and try otherwise. I'm trying hard to let it go or I just start self-destructing when I drive myself crazy thinking about everything.
Everything just has gotten so complicated wherever he has touched. Sometimes I just want to scream at him to leave me alone but I don't want to give him any negative attention either, they also thrive on that. Some days I feel like I just have everything bottled up inside and its ready to boil over any minute and I will explode. I took a time-out at work today when that was about to happen and drove out to the harbor, that always helps me to sit and feel the peace and power of the sea, and the view of the vast water and glaciers are really humbling. How do you move on in life?

Brownie,
I hope your getting closer to getting the apartment, will your husband live there with you as well? I'm sorry I don't have much energy tonight I want to talk and have so many questions for you both but I'm just trying to work things out inside myself right now. Just trying to stay strong another day. I'll have more time tomorrow to chat hopefully. Thinking of you guys,
magga

November 9, 2004
10:02 pm
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Hey magga.i'm glad you came on.i wanted to ask you something.you still work on the same job where your ex is right?cuz if you are,then you may need to work somewhere else in order to move on and get over him.i know the feeling your going through,it's the same thing for me.

My husband has really flew off the handle.i had forgot to mention that he is a very spiteful person.right now,i am very upset at him.he goes and move my vhs tape.i be watching something and the fact i don't want to talk to him,he is gonna hide my tape.he just don't get it.the more spiteful and conning he is,the more i don't want nothing to do with him.

I am so maaaad right now!!!!i need to vent.Also you can believe hes not moving in unless god sees it.I am more confused as to what god wants me to do.this guy(husband)is nothing but trouble.his parents so spoiled him.i don't want to be with somebody like that especially hes not a believer of god.his dad is a pastor and he is not doing anything right.

i will talk to you tomorrow.don't be hard on yourself.it's not you magga,it's the sick men that brings our low self esteem down and step on us like a rug.(Hugs To You).

November 9, 2004
10:11 pm
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hi Brownie and Magga....the reason why i still say I am codependent is cuz when I first started dating back in March of this year I knew I wouldnt get too involved with anyone, and I dated one guy, after one month i found out he did drugs and dumped him, another guy, he just was not my type so i never persued the relationship...and this one guy!! oh my, very handsome, and very much a bad boy..i was more overwhelmed with his looks & body than what he had in his head. I still persued the relationship knowing that he was no good, drank too much, was not reliable, just divorced for the 2nd time, claimed he liked me but found out he was screwing around with his ex...arrrrggg, and I still liked him!!! and to me that is codependent!!! well anyway, this man is not in my life anymore. And I think if i knew better, I would have just not persued him. Either way, though, I do know what is good and bad, it just takes me only a few months now to recognize that and end it instead of a few many years like in the past. The man I am dating now is nice, very nice, but boring, he likes to sleep alot and watch TV every nite from 4pm to 10pm and gets overly "excited" to see me...I kinda feel like I am the one giving him a life! Still, I know I have to talk with him and find out if we are compatible, I plan on doing this this week when we meet in person, and I am going out with my gal friend on Saturday, I am just going to get some balance in my life, and tell him that I am working on me, and I am not sure if our relationship will further. I guess i am confused. I am giving myself a mental break from this till Friday when I see him. Its been 3 mos. since we are dating, which isn't too long, so i'd rather "talk" now than down the road.

Anyways, how are things with yourself? you have to believe in you brownie and I guarantee you will feel better, you have been doing all the right things!!! give yourself a hug from me ok!!!

Magga, seems like you have alot on your mind, I don't blame you, take things day by day, hour by hour whichever makes you more comfy...that is so cool how you took your time out, thats great, just enjoy the scenery and the weather...the only way you can move on in life is by taking things slow, i learned by doing baby steps, one lil' step either each day or week, and each step adds up, cuz one day you look back and realize how far you have come.

Got lots of stuff to finish up here at home, working late!!! arrrggg.

till 2morrow, lotsa love, hugs and support to you both & to any members reading this.

camer

November 10, 2004
4:41 pm
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hey camer.I see what you mean now about codependency.from what you explained about the men in your life,it's the same thing with me.we tend to depend on them.that's what codependency is about too.we depend on people that are not available for us.that does not meet our needs.i am surprised he sleeps and watches tv.does he work?I hope he is not depending on you to give him a life.You have your own life and he has to have his.I hope he does not place expectations fo you.

As for me,i am sorry i did not come back on last night.It's that time of the month again and the headaches came back.what i don't understand is why i felt so weak last night especially when i took the excedrin,it made it worst.i still feel a little drowsy.so i don't know.it has caffeine in it and acetaminophen and aspirin.nobody knows why.i had asked the pharmacist about it and she does not know either.so i'll see.

As for him,i wrote him another letter.i have not talked with him since sunday night when he had an attitude with me about his dad.he claimed to had apologize to me,but it did not sounded like an apology.so i am really trying to keep my focus on god.i still want to move so bad but i will stay and deal with it.i had in some ways doubted god and i already talked to him about it.i still have faith and him and believes in him.i just have a tendency to get frustrated when things get rough.when things are not working out.so i want to escape it.and that's what i was doing not reallizing it.

I do not want to have to do something that may get my inlaws in trouble,but they are pushing my buttons camer.and i don't even know if that's what god wants me to do.cuz my husband was the one that threw us out last year when i thought it was his dad.he tells his dad to do things.so i am thinking about reporting them concernig his apartment.he is not suppose to have anyone stay there.i will chat with you later.my friend just called.Hugs To You.

November 10, 2004
5:31 pm
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Brownie, guess what, I too have my
"monthly" thing too!! aaaah the things men don't have to deal with!

As for your hubby and his apology, i hope he did it cuz he WANTED to not felt like he had to. And keep God in your life and praying, sometimes things do not always work out "our way" but I think there is always a lesson to be learned from it, it keeps us focused and not giving up, if that makes sense. I hope things work out for now with living with your hubby and the inlaws, I do wish you the best, and keep remembering you do have choices and maybe getting a new apartment when its avail. will help you.

As for the man I am dating, yes, he sleeps/naps alot, not many hobbies though, lives alone, yes does work and has a good job, I mean he is a good guy and all, no bad qualities, just maybe a lil' boring. I already made plans on saturday to hang out with my friends, so he is going to
have to do something on his own. I like having balance in my life and I
don't want him to depend on me for a life, and I also don't want him to be with me and just sleep all the time either!!! so I am praying to God on this, and I will talk with my guy on
Friday about my feelings and get it out in the open.

I am at work, have to finish up now.
If i am not back 2nite, i will b3 for sure 2morrow...hope you are feeling
better!!!

(((hugs and support & love))) camer

November 10, 2004
8:14 pm
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hey girls

brownie I would love to get another job but the problem is we own a company together, actually my name is on it and he own the logo and product trademark

stupid me

day by day and hour by hour is all I can take

I feel like i'm about to boil over right now

just trying to stay even and level headed, am forming another plan to get out now

I have so much hurt and shame inside, I cover it up and smile and make it through the day.

At home I go to bed and cry every night and think of ways to get out faster, and then I feel inspired for the company but sink again. Its a tiring rollercoaster. I fear the day will come I find myself warped in his web of lies and some days it is all I can do is to fight that moment because I don't want it. But I have my responsibilities.

November 10, 2004
10:23 pm
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Hi Magga and Brownie....i guess the old saying Magga is "fake it till you make"...and I too would hate putting on the happy face when deep down inside I am just miserable. What are some of the ways that you can get out of this "joint" company??? and yes, times are probably difficult, I feel for you honey, and just take things slow, know that life will not always be this way, I am saying my prayers for you.

Brownie, hope all is well on the homefront tonite, saying my prayers for you too, be easy on yourself.

Going to be AAC surfing for a while.

(((hugs and love & support to you both))

November 11, 2004
12:20 am
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Hi camer.He really sounds like a good man,even though he sleeps alot and can be boring but like they say,nobody is perfect.I'm glad that he understands you.That is also a great idea to tell him everything and to see how he will react.I really hope he accepts you and stay with you.i also hope he realizes that this is a test.i really hope he passes it,i really do.

As for this so called husband,i have to do what i have to do.i'm leaving it in god's hands.i will just keep praying for strength.cuz i really don;t feel comfortable about staying here.it reminds me of when i stayed at my mother's house.when you feel that people have some hidden agenda against you and want so much to destroy your spirit.i won't let that happen.i have too much live for and that's my kids.

I just have to constantly watch my back.i will pray everyday for god's guidance until we can get out of here.thanks for praying for me camer.i asked my friend if she can do the same.I will need all the help and support i can get.you have a good nite and i will talk to you tom.(HUGS AND LOVE AND SUPPORT)to you.

November 11, 2004
12:34 am
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Hey maggalisa.i see what you have to go through.i really feel so bad for you.Is there another way or a lawyer someone you can talk to about leaving this company and taking off your name from the company.I really hope so.I will pray for you also.And don't call yourself stupid and feeling shamed.you didn't know he was gonna turn out like that.

It's the same with me.i did not know who i was when i met my husband.i was looking for a father figure.this guy as you see also has alot of issues.I used to call myself stupid but not anymore.i realized that i don't have any regrets meeting him,but just wished that the circumstances were different as far as his personality and him letting his family get involved with his issues.

We all make mistakes,but we also can't beat ourselves up.believe me maggalisa,i know it hurts like crazy when we make a mistake.it still affects me too.but in no way,don;t continue to call yourself names.you learn from it.and you will grow from it too.And also when you meet somebody in the future,you won't have to bring the old unfinished issues into your new relationship.that's what i intend to do too,if i ever meet someone.

So don't be too hard on yourself.things will get better.you will be alright.Are you coming back on tom.i hope so.(HUGS AND SUPPORT)to you.

November 11, 2004
11:19 am
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hi Brownie & Magga...isn't it true, we seem to look for father figures in the men we date. For me I always "liked" the controlling men, the men who would yell and scream at me til I cried. Kinda like my dad did when I was younger.

I am saying my prayers for you both, Brownie, keep up the faith, and know that you are doing the right thing. ANd Magga, be easy on yourself, and keep going for breaks by ocean and being outdoors, it'll help clear your mind.

Will be back later. (((hugs/love and prayers)))

November 11, 2004
3:10 pm
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Good afternoon camer.You are absolutely right about we tend to look for father figures in men.With me i think it was was they were not available for me emotionally and also verbal abuse.i mean i did not have the verbal abuse as much as i do now with my husband.

But camer,is it possible you could go with men that are mother figures.because when i think about it,it was more like that.my dad was around till my mom told him to leave.she constantly called me names.so i can see why that people be saying that you marry your parents.we'll chat later.Hugs to You.

November 11, 2004
3:13 pm
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Good afternoon magga.are you coming back on today.Oh i forgot,you are probably at work.so i hope your feeling okay.me and camer wrote to you last night.so we can continue to support you in this and pray for you.Hugs to You.

November 11, 2004
3:13 pm
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Good afternoon magga.are you coming back on today.Oh i forgot,you are probably at work.so i hope your feeling okay.me and camer wrote to you last night.so we can continue to support you in this and pray for you.Hugs to You.

November 11, 2004
8:41 pm
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Hey camer and brownie,

thanks so much. I feel for you both and appreciate you taking your time to post with everything going on in your lives. I'm just hurting so much right now and so scared. I can't just leave the company and I did everything to call his bluff on getting someone else in to take over even if it meant him burning me but he couldn't he was just being himself, abusive and manipulative. Now things are better buts its still not much further from the bottom and some days I'm so afraid of crashing I wonder if I'll end up the hospital at times in some catatonic state with everything. I'm such a mental disaster these days and I fell like I just keep digging a bigger emotional hole somedays and the worst part is he STILL has some hold on me, read my other thread just checking in and I've tallied up some nasty things and actions he's done. I hate him but am afraid to leave him completely. Why? He'll be with other women? HA he's done that the WHOLE entire time. This wasn't just cheating but a stream of wrong. I hate him and I hate myself. I wish I could just walk away but I can't right now. I need help.

November 11, 2004
8:44 pm
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Not to mention I have no doubt in my mind I would be in for phsyical abuse in the future if I did stay so i am ripping myself away from him, one thread at a time and am finally detaching emotionally. I still get moments. But at least I get angry when I feel that way, I am quicker now to remember the hurt and humiliation and don't forgive and romanticize everything. I'm so sick of myself!!!

November 11, 2004
9:04 pm
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hi brownie & magga, hope you both are doing well today. I am ok, I am going to talk to my guy 2morrow and just get things out tin the open, he is nice, sweet, etc, but kinda boring, and I think he may depend on me for "a life"...but I will focus on balance in my life and he will have to focus on his, and I just wish he'd have more energy, he sleeps alot and doesn't have many hobbies.

Brownie, are you holding up ok with the hubby?? keep praying to God and good things will happen, and take things slow.

Magga, honey, I see where you are coming from, I had the hardest time breaking away compeletely with my prev. bf's...and no matter how many times I promised myself that I would walk away..I didn't at the time, cuz I was not ready..Maybe that is it, you are just not quite ready to end it completely....and thats ok...just make sure you don't get physically and / or mentally hurt during the process, but I guarantee you, one day you will have the courage and strength to walk away and end it all.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all the way.

Got so much to do right now, have to work 2mrrow...had today off, yippee.

Will check in 2morrow....signing off with love, hugs and support...camer

November 12, 2004
12:44 am
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Hey camer and maggalisa.I will need to talk to your tomorrow.i waited to late to come back on because my husband will be home at 1:00 or 1:30.so i will talk to your and my prayers are with your.maggalisa,i will go to your thread tom and i will write something in mine.try not to worry about anything.just pray to god,he is there for you.trust me.

camer.you have a nice night.i also can't wait to hear what happens tomorrow with your friend.i hope all goes well.

As for me,i am definitely taking things slow.god has shown me something.HE IS REAL!!! i tell you.

HUGS TO YOUR BOTH AND PEACE!

November 12, 2004
6:27 am
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Hey Camer,

the thing is I AM ready to leave. But I can be such a chicken shit. Many times when he didn't have his kids I would basically prepare myself all day to find an excuse to say why I could not stay the night. Its so simple, I don't want to stay at your place... or you think! Then of course he wants an explanation and then I knew it would be confrontational and as much as I hate to admit it I do avoid confrontation as much as possible while he is the best at spinning statements and it ends up that I feel like I am the one to blame for everything. He did a great job of gaslighting me and his friends also ratted him out even though they did it one at a time unbeknownst to one another, that is the best part. HA what a good person he is if EVERY close friend tells me the truth. They don't have anything to gain from it. I have had two of his friends come to me, grab me by the shoulders and ask me how many times do they have to come back and tell me to leave him. At least I'm really listening finally. Its just with him. I guess I am afraid of him, and he's instilled so much fear of the consequences of not being with him subconsciously and that is not right either. His new nickname for me is margarine and he thinks its hilarious and I tell him to quit it but he keeps on. So I don't answer and I am so annoyed and fed up with him. He really thinks he is this legend here, the great lover, the great thinker, etc. Typical narcissist. Last night he saw me online and was all business, IM'd just to talk about business (was one place I forgot to delete him from) and I found myself so close to backpedaling and had to fight not to send a message that I knew would make it all better. Thats how he is, he can forget and move on like nothing happened. we have never talked about him grabbing my wrist, I don't see the point. He'll show remorse and feel bad and do it again in another confrontation.

I know in my heart I am doing the right thing, I can't remember who wrote this but they said it gets better for the moment but it always repeats itself. And thats how it has been, different conflicts stemming from the same issues that surface over and over again with a different twist. I'm tired of being so depressed and not taking care of myself. Of course I feel bad about myself I don't even have time for a shower some days!

But you know what guys? I am really proud of myself. Yesterday it was a great day in business and normally I would have gone to his place not really wanting to go. so what i would do instead was pick a fight and make a reason to not go over there. I dropped him off at his place and kept the car running while we were talking business for about 20min. and he leans over to kiss me, I kissed him and said ok gotta go get some rest now. That was the first time I just said no, and didn't try to make any excuses. Just NO THANKS. And I didn't send any message or mail trying to explain myself. I don't need to. He can figure it out from his actions, he is intelligent at least. Argh I could go on forever, sorry. I feel like I finally am communicating again though, everything has been so bottled up inside. I was talking to my cousin/best friend online the other night and she was so happy, she felt like she was talking to me again the first time in over a year, I have been really closed because I didn't want anyone to know what was really going on. Its hard to admit what has happened in the past but I would rather get it out now that I can and deal with it and hopefully move on.

When I first decided to leave I was ready intellectually but I never knew what I was in for when I first started coming here and posting. But I FEEL it now that I WANT a better life and happiness, and FREEDOM. I'm not truely free with this guy and never will be. That alone helps me stay away right now.
Sorry if I'm redundant, I just feel like I've been in a constant fog this past year and I'm finally clearing my head. There's so much coming out of the woodworks I guess, I'm focusing on WHY I met this man and was attracted to him and WHY I let it go on for so long. I don't want it to happen again, I know that much!

November 12, 2004
6:52 am
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hey girls.....ok Brownie....time to start typing away, and yes you have me thinking!!!

Magga, the ways that I found out why i picked up the ol' bfs was cuz I think i was desperate for love, any love...and it wasn't until I spent time by myself, loving myself, knowing that I only deserve the best..is when I started choozing healthier men. You'll have to do some soul searching to find out why you chose this man from the beginning. You are doing good girl, you seem to be getting stronger. Just take things day by day, and as time goes on I am sure you will be able to make a clean break from him.

Back to work today. Will be back online later.

(((hugs, love and peace))))

November 12, 2004
5:28 pm
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Hey camer,hey maggalisa.camer you are soooooooooooooo right.I don't know if i had mentioned this to your,but once me and my husband break up,i will remain by myself for awhile.Try to get used to being by myself.in the past,i always got in and out of relationships.never had a chance to be by myself.i again was looking for a father figure.

So this is what i would need to do for myself.to be alone and take time out for myself and knowing what i would want out of a relationship.so that way i also won't have to bring in unfinished past issues from my old relationship.I would be able to meet healthier men and positive.would make sure i don't make that same mistake again.

So magga,camer gave an excellent point.look at that carefully also.I will talk to your later.i went to a meeting today and i feel terrific except i am bumed out.it is raining and pouring and cold outside where i'm at.Hugs To Your My Friends.

November 13, 2004
10:48 am
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hey Brownie and Magga: Brownie, good for you for going to your meeting!!! you go girl..Its snowing alot here in MA about 6" ouch!!! Good attitude, you need to take care of unfinished buisiness with your hubby if you choose to walk away b4 getting into a new relationship. Spending time alone is so good, it builds your self esteem, it gets YOU to know YOU more and more, and yes it may be lonely, but you have YOU to
love yourself. Its all a good thing.

I talked to my guy last nite..He is a nice guy, doesn't drink much, no drugs, has a stable job, hasn't "been" with alot of women, respects women, respects me, loves my dogs...and I was all up in arms about him being BORING, well finally we talked last nite, and it is all good, He respects that I need time for me, and he respects only seeing me maybe 2x per week, and knows I have family, friends and my time, he is not pushy, he even shoveled my whole driveway today and back porch....so what if he watches TV on his own time. When he is with me, he likes doing things, he offered to shovel the snow. He is a nice guy. And his key words to me were. Take things "one day at a time" so that's all I needed to here, and things are good. I guess i get myself in such turmoil, thinking of things to argue about, trying to pick him apart, cuz he is so nice...instead of just accepting that this is all new, who knows what will happen, but for now, things are good, and take things one day.

I am off to hang out with my gal' friend for a few hours, will be online
later tonite.

(((love & hugs and support to both)))

November 13, 2004
2:34 pm
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Hey ladies,

I'm getting so close to breaking it off completely. I don't know exactly when but I feel it coming soon. Could be on Monday even. I'm petfrified but ecstatic. Does that make any sense? Last night after work instead of getting my 8hrs of rest I decided to visit a friend of mine that works at a bar where i live. Oops, ended out till six in the morning but I had a blast. I am so sceptical of guys though but I met a cutie last night, was totally going to go and have a one-nighter and when it came down to it I realized I didn't really want to do it, I've had my revenge on Jack now I want to get better for myself. so I made him sleep in his clothes. HAHAHA. (Let me add casual sex is the norm here in Iceland) I'm happy I didn't even though I liked him. I'm not ready to right now. I was afraid of him finding out that I went out too until i just thought to myself so what? yuke, I've been such a puppy on a leash and it makes me boil to think about it. I'm accepting whatever happens now. I think I'm ready to just close it down. I'm scared to and scared I will regret it and all that good stuff. Thats what has been keeping me back. I'm more scared of losing more though of myself. I hate being on guard everyday. It will never work with this man in the pic.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching, it was a great point camer. I don't have any real answers yet but I know some of it is learned behaviour from childhood. I really want to go to europe and work odd jobs there for a couple of months and just find myself (what a hippie...) but seriously, I have always wanted to do something like that and its the perfect time now. I might even have a job already in Denmark:) So I'm scared to leave but more scared to stay in a nutshell. One day at a time...

November 13, 2004
4:44 pm
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Hi camer.I am so terrificly glad that he is soooo nice.He really sounds like maybe he is the one for you.But again,take it slow and one day at a time.when he told you that,maybe he might be in recovery.I can also understand camer That you don't really trust it too much because of what you been through in the past with your ex's.I would feel the same way.It's gonna take awhile,but you will be happy.you deserve it camer.Also it's good that things worked out good when you talked to him.

As for this ass hoe,i am continuing to keep the focus on myself.I am really startin to lose feelings a little for him.I want to be happy camer.I been through too much in this relationship and it gets to a point where is you don't want to work it out anymore.but at the same time,i cannot disobey god.He really open my eyes up to a couple of things lately.He also showed me that my husband may have to make a decision sooner or later about who he wants to be with.eiither his family or us.So i am just taking one day at a time also and do what i need to do.You are so right camer about having more time to be alone for yourself,it really starts to feel good and builds self esteem.it really does.

So you have a great time with your friends and i will talk to you later.Hugs to You.

November 13, 2004
4:56 pm
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brownie
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Hey maggalisa.I had just wrote in your other post.WOW!i did not know you was from iceland.Cuz i was telling you about the meetings.Do they have any in iceland?I'm really sorry,i thought you was in the united states.but you seem llike you knows about it.I bet it's beautiful over there.I've always wanted to travel to different countries.only place i went to was canada.but forget me.i see that you was about to almost put yourself in a situation.it was good that you stopped it.You see you are changin maggalisa.You are startin to make a transformation on yourself.

Like we said,it's all one day at a time.And you should follow your extinct about going to denmark and working there.I believe you will be alot more happier.because you are doing what you want and not having to have a jerk to rely on.you are keeping the focus on yourself and you are moving on the right path.you really is.we'll chat later.Hugs to You.

November 13, 2004
5:17 pm
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Thanks brownie,
I'm sure they have meetings here as well I just havn't checked yet, but I will when I am ready.
Iceland is a beautiful country. I couldn't be happier here in that sense, so much here that I love about it. That is also why I am angry, for me to truly get away from this I know I have to leave but I don't want to!! Its not fair. My parents live in the states and I did grow up there but went to college here for awhile, came back last april because of this wonderful business oppurtunity.... argh I have so much bad boiling inside right now. I have to go pick him up right now and I will get screamed at for not calling. Or some other crap. And he will help me feel like the business is all my fault, I should woulda coulda done this or that, I didn't give it my all, how much can one give I ask? Is it unreasonable to take 30 min. a day to yourself when thats all you have? I have no money, this has been the highlight of my day is to sit down with a cup of tea and try to work through my emotions and fears, I don't have electricity at my house and I lost my phone last week so I am feeling extremely isolated. I don't want to see any family right now because I just feel so darn bad.
I love driving to the harbor and looking over the sea, its so beautiful and peaceful. Brings me back down.

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