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brownie's response from the other post
October 23, 2004
9:26 pm
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brownie
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You know camer,i had came back on and the thrill is gone.my father-in-law is coming back home tonight.remember i told you that we stay at his father's house and every week he'd go to his wife's house and stays there a couple of days.he comes back home at unexpected times.

I am so disappointed.maybe it was not meant to happen,i don't know.i have to be annoyed with his father again.he is so annoying,and also remember i told you that his family do not want us together,his father is the same way.he's a preacher at that.he did not try no kind of way to get us back together again.he just wants to use my husband as the main provider like he did when he was a young kid.

this past thing is happening again.i don't mean to always complain.i forever does that.i guess it's my codependency again.i am so distressed now.

About the looking ugly,i had kids pick on me too.i was always scared of kids.i never wore eyeglasses then till now.i started wearing them since 1990.so i really did not understand why kids kept bothering me.i guess also i was quiet too.i hope you will come back on tonight,because i will be up.it's eastern time where i live at too.hope to hear from you tonight.hugs camer.

October 25, 2004
9:35 am
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Hello camer,i been looking for you since yesterday.I thought you may have went out or something,but then i saw you on the other posts.Did i do something wrong to you or said something wrong to you.

Believe me when i say this that i like for people to be direct with me.I don't want for you to feel like you can't talk to me.I maybe codependent,but i am a recovering codependent.hope to hear from you soon.HUGS TO YOU.

October 25, 2004
10:28 am
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((brownie))) no i am not mad at you at all, when I came on the other nite..it was really quick and I didn't see this thread move up at all,,,,,so it was just overlooked, sorry i couldn've been there for you when you needed me. Wow, so your EST zone?? I'm here in Massachusetts are you nearby??

So looks like things with the father in law did not go over too well. That must have put a huge damper on things.
You would think that your hubby is strong enought to put you first, i mean you are his wife, and his father shoudn't put his 2cents in worth about anything going on in your marriage...its not about the father in law, its about you and your hubby, and its sad your hubby won't put you on a higher pedestal.

I hope you are feeling ok today, know that I am here for you (((hugs from camer)))

October 25, 2004
1:20 pm
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Hi camer,i'm sorry to had sounded like that.I did kinda figured you may not have seen my post.Again,we really knows what were thinking at times.

As far as being there for me,it's okay.you do not have to apologize.you have things you have to do.

Otherwise,how you been?i'm writing you from new york city.what part of massachusetts are you from.I love to meet people from different places.I have met a friend from the chat room and she's from colorado.But i don't go to those chat rooms anymore,i been stopped.

As for my father-in-law,he came and left yesterday morning and so i decided to do it last night which i did.I AM COMPLETELY DEVASTATED!!!!!!I am OVERLY DRAINED from this relationship.THE THRILL IS REALLY GONE!!!!!I have so much to tell you that i may have to tell you on another page.but he turned me down.

He continues to play hard to get and being prideful.A couple of things he said,he mention how nice i looked but he did not expect that.first,he asked how much i paid for the lingerie,then he said he had planned to go on the computer.i was sitting at the computer at first,then he came in from a meeting and sat and watched football.

He mentioned again and again that he cares about me,but as a friend cuz i had to ask him in what way.he just kept on confusing me.the words never match with what he says.he said we may not get back together again.we don't see things eye to eye.we have different opinions.he's growing he says and i am.that we are doing are on thing as being responsible for our feelings.i asked did he love me or did he lose feelings for me,he said he lose feelings as far as the physical(sex) and the emotional.

I am trying to remember some of the other things he said,but i told him my version and i asked him why is it that when i stayed at my friend's house,you kept asking about me to our daughter.you also tried to wait for me to come before you left for work.he really did not have an answer for it.Then i mentioned that i have tried to break up with you and you still would not let me go.i have stopped talking to you and gave you your space when i stayed with my mother and your still not satisfied,so he had nothing to say about that either.but what he did said though was i tend to make things difficult for him.i said how,you never gave me any recognition about giving you your space.i feel like i'm wasting my time here and he says i'm not wasting my time,we been gettng along really good and that he wants to give it more time.

i am gonna continue on the next page.i don't want to continue writing a real long post on one page.

October 25, 2004
1:32 pm
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HI brownie...I am from the Southern portion of Massachusetts.

As for your hubby, I am in disbelief....cannot believe he turned "YOU" down. I just don't understand what he is after, and I would be confused too, does he want friendship or marriage, does he want to wait or not wait...he seems to be giving you so many mixed messages...I would think alot has to do with what is on his mind...he seems to be keeping things pented up. You, my friend, have tried all different things to give him space, and he still wanted you as part of his life. There just seems to be so much more to the story, especially from him and what he may not be telling you.

I wish you strength thru this difficult time, Brownie, I am always here to lend an ear and help you thru any troubles you may be having.

Please post again when you feel comfy.

(((hugs from camer))))

October 25, 2004
1:41 pm
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I mentioned to him that he keeps on living in the past and that i cannot see how you can continue to reject me like this.i asked him do he wants somebody else and he said no.He also tends to get hysterical and wanting to always walk away from the issue as far as talking about our relationship.

Then he had said,now i remember,is if i would had my place last year,this would not have happened because we would have been able to communicate better,i said no,it would not have been that way.i would have left you,so he got quiet again.
So also this is his other excuse,the reason why he wanted us to go to the shelter last year because i think he still loves me.so he wanted to keep the feelings from coming in.he is in alot of denial,he really is.

So i told him basically that i cannot be his friend and still have feelings for him and were still married.he does not get it.but i just realized something camer,it had came to my mind awhile back,but i kept forgetting about it.It was the fact that he see his parents are separated,but still see that theyre just friends,that's what he's going by.also to i believe that he is brainwashed for good by his family.it's too late for us.

He don't seem like a believer of god too much nomore.i had mention to him that by us being here together,that god will get us back together,and he says some crazy stuff that his god does not expect for us to be together.i don't even want to think about it.

basically,i am gonna isolate myself again from this relationship and wait till i get my apartment to get a divorce.i want so much to move on.i'm telling him that how in the world could you expect for me to stop wanting you and we been together for 22 years.you can't throw away somethhng like that so easily.he says he knows he understands.So in the meantime,i had mentioned i wanted a hug in the beginnig and he said he has no problem with that,but when we finished talking,he asked did i still want the hug and i said no,he said are you sure.,and then he said he appreciates us communicating.i did not say nothing.

I really believe he wants to be with his other family and not us.he says we are here for the kids.so i am finished with him.i am tired of being in bondage.i want to be set free.if i'm gonna be hurt let me hurt alone.for him to leave me along.so for now on until hopefully this housing comes through,i will write to him.i want him to know that i do not want to work it out nomore.that was the last straw.i will continue to keep the focus on myself and my children.hugs to you.talk to u later.

October 25, 2004
3:01 pm
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((brownie))) you have put your all into this, now your hubby will have to deal with the next step. Maybe now he will get angry or mad for you not wanting to talk with him. Maybe he doesn't think you are strong enough to leave and only just be his friend.
I am sure it would be so hard to just be friends...and yes, I know lots of couples out there who have no "connection" sexually and friendship wise as a couple, they just go thru the routine of marriage..and make people think that they are happy. That is not a way to live a marriage, it has to be done with 2 willing people who want to
grow old together, and share the good times and the bad.....does he not believe in the word marriage and what it needs and takes to have a good one??? i guess not....Brownie, keep believing in you and God...and good things will come & please let me know how you are doing.

((((huge hugs for you and the strength you are showing thru this difficult time...Camer))))

October 25, 2004
5:52 pm
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Thank you camer for the strength and support.It's god that sent you and this site to me.i really need so much support.i feel like i'm the villain here which i know i'm not.

I know this may sound crazy camer,but i had prayed to god to not have us get back together.i had did that before.i don't wanna seem like i'm interfering with his plan for us,but i expressed to him deeply,i even cried last night after that happened,and it's always been hard for me to cry.but i said please i do not want to get with him nomore,i want very much to move on.Now as i prayed to god about this,theres a voice telling me to wait!!to be patient,he needs more time.i know it can be god and my extinct,but i feel i am wasting time.as long as he's with his family,he's not gonna get better.he's not gonna grow and it's not fair to keep my life on hold.

Theres no turning back.i made a mistake and i have to accept it and move on.Oh i had forgot to tell you what he had said when i mentioned about god wanting us to be together,he had said that his god would let him make his own decisions regarding our marriage.He should had never said that,because he fails to realize that god can do anything,can change anything,so he will have to deal with that with god.

so i will keep you posted.i am feeling kind down.i just hope he will leave me alone.i will try to avoid him as much as possible.

Otherwise,how are things with you and your friend,enough about me.tell me later.Hugs and support.

October 25, 2004
8:53 pm
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hi Brownie, sure sounds like you have your mind made up...now just sit back and take care of you and "let go and Let God"...good things will happen in some way, just don't force anything, be calm with yourself, and know that you did the best. As for your hubby, he seems to be just waiting, and not sure what he wants, seems like he does want you but then he doesn't, sounds really confused...maybe his family is telling him stuff and he can't handle the pressure.

Just know that you did you all to save this marriage, and now God is watching over you, you seem a lil' uptight, but honestly you still seem at ease with yourself, you really do. I think as time goes on, more things will shed to light and the answers will come, if that makes sense.

As for me & my Mr. Sweetie, things are going good, I kinda felt a lil' pressured into spending alot more time with him than I wanted, but all i have to do is "speak my mind" and tell him how I feel, and it goes ok...even if it doesn't...I have my own things to work on and need my space...maybe I am just a lil' scared. Brownie, I have never been married, and lived all alone for 14 years, had about 4 long term boyfriends, but never married...I am soooo independent and I do like my space now, in the past I always needed a man with me, and I always chose the bad boys...I am just taking things day by day, thats all i can do.

I hope you do the same Brownie, take things day by day & know you are in my thougts and prayers.

Have a good nites sleep & chat with me 2morrow, ok!!!

(((hugs and support,,,,Camer))))

October 25, 2004
8:56 pm
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hi brownie and camer,
sorry I'm crashing in on your thread but I have not had any time to myself these past days. I hope your feeling better, its a tough decision and I realized today that I have to do the same. I'll check back tomorrow if I can but I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you!
magga

October 25, 2004
9:00 pm
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Magga, this thread is for everyone.Just seems like me and Brownie are the only ones using this thread though.....come on in & give your input ok!!! I too hope that you are doing ok!!!

October 26, 2004
12:50 am
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Hello magga,how you been doing?i have not heard from you in awhile.it's good to hear from you.i and camer are glad you came on.You are not in no way crashing in on the thread.come in on like camer said anytime.You are welcomed.I will talk to you tomorrow.

October 26, 2004
12:54 am
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thanks again camer,for the support you gives me.i will keep that in mind.I don't have time for nonsense.i really think he is playing with my emotions,but i will talk more about it tomorrow.Otherwise,i thought you were married before.you really are doing good being on your own for so long.i will talk to you.have a good nite.HUGS TO YOU.

October 26, 2004
7:12 am
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HI Brownie...and you to Magga, come on back to this thread!!!

Hope you had a peaceful sleep, getting ready for work now, will chat when I get to work.

Yes, me never married!!! was engaged...funny thing is if I married any of these long term relationship guys, I would have been
divorced by all of them by now!!! So I guess, I made the right choice by staying single for this long.

I'll chat w/you in a bit...ok!!

((((hugs from Camer))))

October 26, 2004
2:34 pm
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Hello camer,i wish i had your strength and independence.My dad one day told me that i need to become independent cuz for one,he's an workaholic and he's been like that ever since he graduated from high school.

When i was a teen,i used to always be in serious relationships.I Could not understand why until my therapist had told me.It was because i was looking for a father figure.I'll talk to you more about it later.Hugs to you.

October 26, 2004
3:07 pm
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brownie...I can so relate to you...when i was a child my dad was very very strict..and he always yelled really loud, kind of an authority figure, and controlling...i was "scared" to do anything wrong with him. I remember crying alot with him when I was younger. I guess I tried so hard to please him when I was younger, but I guess in his general nature he is just "grouchy" and authorative...my mom also "states" he is an active alcoholic....Now I notice from my history with men, I do choose the controlling men, the men who make me cry, the men who make me scared and I am a people pleaser with them all...kinda just how I was with my father. Honestly, I love my dad dearly, just he brought me up in such a strict household that I felt I could not do wrong & with all the yelling, and me crying..its just something I brought into my adulthood.

My dad to was very independent...me, very independent...except with men, I needed men in my life, its weird cuz I never lived with a man but was always the girl to "have a boyfriend" since I was 18 years old. So i guess to some point, I had strength not to
live with these men, but still hold on to them for dear life.

My ears are open for you honey, so whenever you want to vent or chat I am here for you.

Wow, that felt good to vent!!!!

(((hugs to you Brownie))))

Camer

October 26, 2004
6:44 pm
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Hi camer,i am furious.i had just finish writing something to you and i happened to hit the keyboard by a mistake and it erased the post.it was like a half page.i don't feel that i can explain things good enough.i will try to make it brief

I really can relate to some of the things you said except my situation was a little different.My dad was not always in the picture.My stepfather was involved with my mother when i was born.There is a big controversy with that concerning my dad,i'll tell you another time.it is a long and complicated story.

I have 2 sisters and we all have different fathers.my mother married my sisters fathers but did not marry my dad and he had proposed to her.So my dad used to come visit me from the time i was a baby to age 4.At that time my stepfather had got jealous of my day seeing me and told him not to come back nomore.

My mom of course let my stepfather do that.My stepfather had sexually abused and physically abused me.My mother was a controlling freak and verbally abusive.They never taught me much about anything.i had to learn on my own,by the grace of god.

My mother had always neglected and abandoned me.she was not emotionally available to me.my dad was available for me.we were very close.more closer than my mother.we never got along.When i got back in touch with him,he mentioned to go to work or am i working.from the time he graduated from high school,he had left home and i think went into the army and then went to college to be an accountant.So he was very much independent.

I was more like the slave daughter,not being taught about how it is to be independent.My mother wanted me to continue to please her.caretake her stuff.I was also very naive and always people pleasing.My dad was somewhat passive i can see where i get it from,but i'm glad i took after him because he was nice person.

As for my relationships,i have been told that i was looking for the father figure in relationships.i had missed my dad.i kept getting in and out of relationships.i had a fear of being without a man,but at the same time,i had got hurt alot because they wanted to have sex and i was also scared of doing it.I was a very emotional person and naive.

Ihad some nice male friends except they had fell in love with me.some of them continued to be my friend and some of them fell in love with me.They had to not see me,but i had kept coming around them to have someone to talk too.I was already experience fear of being alone,neglected and abandonment.This i can see happened throughtout my life.this is why that for my husband,it was painful,but i am getting stronger and i am very glad for that.I rather be alone and hurt then to be with somerone who is controlling and playing games with me.

I am so sorry that you had to go through that.I know that was not an easy thing to go through.i also want to say i thank you so much for being there for me and listening to me.You know i am definitely here for you too.i will talk to you more later.(HUGS TO YOU ALWAYS)

October 26, 2004
11:38 pm
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Wow Brownie, we have alot of past similarities...
**know that you mentioned you'd rather be alone than with someone who is controlling and playing games** that is a great thought, and you deserve the best, even if you hubby is not willing to work on the marriage, know that you deserve someone who loves you, respects you and beleives in marriage!!! and wants to be with you, not just your friend. You have learned so much, and I am so proud of you Brownie.
Looks like God is watching over you and helping you get some good strength.

Keep posting and venting & thanks for letting me vent with you!!!!

(((will chat 2morrow))))

love, camer

October 27, 2004
2:25 pm
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Hey camer,good afternoon.how are things with you.i'm just waiting to get an answer from the assembly person about an apartment.i soooooooooo badly want to leave here.

My father-in-law is getting on my nerves,he expects for my 15 year old daughter to mop the kitchen floor when he's not here.which he is placing responsibilities on her as he did to my husband.

I prayed hard to god about my husband.wanting to not be with him.i really don't want it.i want to be by myself until i get a divorce.we'll talk later.(HUGS TO YOU).thanks again always for the support.

October 27, 2004
7:01 pm
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Brownie: maybe this control thing runs in your hubbys family...cuz your father in law telling your daughter what to do and telling your hubby also...sounds like a control freak... maybe some of that wore off onto your hubby.

I am so glad you are checking a new apt...do this for you, and things will be ok, just take things slowly one day at a time, keep God in your life, and this support group, and you will do wonders...You are a sweet woman, with a heart of gold and only deserve the best in life, and if your hubby is not willing to work on the marriage, then thats his issue...at least now you can work on you and have a good life, and be with your children.

**my thoughts and prayers are with you always***

((((camer)))))

October 27, 2004
8:07 pm
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Hey girlfriend,thanks always.it is a control thing.for one they spoiled my husband,thinking that he's doing something so great.

Iwant to tell you also about a website for christians with relationship problems.my friend told me about it last night.i had told her that i am through with my husband,so god is showing me something,but i don't want nothing to do with him.

Otherwise if you are interested here it is http://www.christianwomentoday.com.If you went to it,let me know what you think.it's like a chat room and i just got off with this woman and some other people.they are nice,they prays for you too,if you need to be prayed.But basically,my friend is also spiritual and god had told her to tell me about it.

i will keep my guard.there is something else i found out about my husband that i got from the website.pornography!!i'll tell you later.also tell me what's going on with you and your friend.

PEACE AND LOVE CAMER

October 28, 2004
12:30 am
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hey camer,i guess i'll be talking to you tomorrow.you are probably tired.You know tonight camer,a couple of things came up.god is really showing me something.i had left out some information containing to my husband.

It's really something how things come up about your past.i'll talk to you tomorrow. hugs to you.

October 28, 2004
8:06 am
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hey you guys,

wow I can so relate to the father figure role. I realized mr. jack was just as tempermental as my father and controlling. Except my father NEVER NEVER NEVER touched my mother. I saw their fights all the time and they never got physical. So I don't know why I was attracted to that type of person, as well as a womanizer as my father definately is not that way either.

My father basically raised me, my mom had a seriously messed up childhood and it still shows. she was always sick or flying as she worked for Pan Am. So it was me, my bro, and daddy. He did the best he could given the circumstances, even though he was controlling I don't hold that against him, he didn't know any better and I know my grandfather was much worse to him, given the talks my grandmother and I have had recently. I regret not giving my father a chance though earlier and telling him the truth of my situation. I just wanted to rebel I guess and "live my own life" but all I did was find someone else to control me. Now when I talk to my father its completely different.

who knows? Maybe I'm going through this because I'm supposed to, to help develop a better relationship with my family and myself. I do believe that whatever happens is meant to happen. And now I have a much healthier and open relationship with my parents and grandparents.

October 28, 2004
9:12 am
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hI Brownie & Magga: thanks so much for sharing, and brownie thanks for the website. I work here in Boston..yes Red Sox nation...and with all going on at the Red Sox and me working for the 2nd largest Newspaper Co in Boston...its mayhem here, so
wont be online till much later tonite.

Brownie, when you mentioned about your hubby and the porno..please vent and share as much as you want...I dated a man for 5 years, who sold PORNO for a living, and went to strip joints, and read mags and movies...arrrrrggg, what an awful 5 years I put myself thru, why?? I think I was desperate for love....will talk more later about that.

Magga, yes, doesnt it seem like we
always try to find our father figures in men we date.....to this day I get along great with my dad, just when I was lil' I was more controled and
scared of him yelling at me.

Aaaah, the lessons we in life...i think all of this somehow makes us
stronger.

Will chat much later, don't think I am ignoring you....eeee, the presses are running, more papers to go out!!!

love ya! camer

October 28, 2004
7:39 pm
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Hi magga,welcome back.it's good to hear from you again.what happened if you don't mind me asking.i am glad things are looking up for you.We all have alot to learn in life,and we do get stronger.

I can see we have alot in common as far as our mothers.my mother never grew up.She was also verbally abusive to me and never accepted me as her daughter.i was born out of wedlock and she married 2 of my sisters fathers.so i can relate also about the fathers.My dad was a real sweet person.

So i can exactly see what you mean about families.but keep posting maggalisa.we've missed you.(HUGS TO YOU)

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