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brownie's response from the other post
October 17, 2004
12:11 am
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brownie
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i just wanted to say to all of my friends and to the rest of the site that i truly,truly really appreciate all of the positive feedback and support your all gave me.

i had mention that i wanted to put another post basically explaining that i don't feel sad and hurt anymore.i gained more friends and i understand completely now.i did not understand before because i thought i knew all the guidelines and i did not remember seeing the guidelines for putting capital letters.but i understand what your are all saying.in no way i take it bad nomore.

i was really upset at one person.i was not upset with none of your.it was this one person and i was really hurt by what she said.i just really wanted to clarify that.

it had nothing to do with the group or the site,it was this person.so that's all in the past now and i wanted to leave that other post behind.

thanks and all HUGS TO THE GROUP!!!!! i did not forget the capitals.i know now that i'm suppose to use it for only when i want to express something when i'm upset or for phrases etc.

October 17, 2004
12:49 pm
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Brownie, hello, and I'dl like to thank you for coming to this group, cuz we are all here to support eachother. I sure hope things are getting a lil' better with you and your hubby, and know that you have so much support and friendship here, and please vent and talk and share as much as you can.

(((hugs to you Brownie)))) Camer

October 17, 2004
7:57 pm
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hi camer,i was looking for you at the other post.i will need to talk to you tomorrow.my headache is startin to act up again.when it's on,sometimes i would get it 2 or 3 times,so i am really frustrated with it.again i want to say i am so happy for you.talk to you later.(ALL HUGS TO YOU)

October 18, 2004
7:11 am
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((hi brownie))) i am sending this thread back up to the top!!! gosh i hope your headaches get better, take lotsa asprin and try not to consume too many thoughts, I know you'd probably like to fix things here and now, its just so hard. Remember Let Go and Let God, you honey will be in my prayers and hopefully we can chat later, ok!!!

hugs & love & support
camer

October 18, 2004
4:48 pm
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hi camer,i feel better so far.the pain is so intense,i tell you.but i will talk to you later.you are in my prayers also.thanks for praying for me,i really need it.talk to you later.hugs camer.

October 18, 2004
10:12 pm
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hey camer,is everything okay.i should not have asked that because you are in love.how sweet.you are most likely with him right now.so i guess i'll be talking to you tomorrow.have a great time and again i am happy for you.HUGS TO YOU ALWAYS.

October 19, 2004
7:01 am
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(((brownie))) baby, i am in "like" right now, not love...its so new, and of course I am nervous, taking things day by day....thanks for asking....and my friend, how are things at home?? and with the hubby?? any reconciling???

(((sending you off with lotsa hugs, support and friendship))))
camer

October 19, 2004
3:10 pm
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hiya,camer,it's just basically one day at a time.i did not get a chance to finish telling you the story.it's more to it in order for you to understand.i know you do,but it can be complicated to explain at times.sometimes i don't think i explain it right.

i had wrote it from the other post.i'm not gonna write long.i'll just explain it little by little so it won't be too complicated to understand.

i think i stopped off explaining about how we lost our apartment and the changes the landlady have put us through.did you get a chance to read it from the other post.let me know if you did.basically,seeing him everyday now is not as hard as it was in the beginning when i came in sept.

god has showed me so many things that i did not see before.i knew he wanted us to stay together because i been trying to get a separation,and i was not able to accomplish that because he signed the papers wrong.i went and got the divorce papers and he don't want me to get a divorce.he just want me to be friends with him which that is impossible.anyway,there are so many rules and regulations in order to get a divorce.so i know that god is stepping in.

either god or part of my extinct is telling me that he wants me.that he wants to get back with me,but he's afraid too because he is still living in the past.basing it on how we argued alot and never seeing things eye to eye.basically,he wants me to agree with everything he says and that's not fair.this is a free world to express our feelings.i always tell him that.

we been at this for so long camer.it's his families beliefs.they obviously taught him not to express his feelings,just to be there for them and to support them.it was the same thing in my household,except my mother was agressive and controlling.i was not allowed to speak up.i was very passive and naive.

in the meantime,i feel like i'm fallin in love with him again.i guess you could say i been in and out of love with him.that's how it's been for the past 3 years.so i am gonna stop for now and tell you more later.

it's good your taking things slow.i'm sorry i jumped to conclusions.talk to you later.ALL HUGS MY FRIEND CAMER.

October 19, 2004
3:42 pm
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hi brownie, you don't jump to conclusions!! i just got a laugh that you said I was in *love*...not love for me but "like him alot* I want this one to be different.

As for you and your hubby, Brownie, are you falling back in love with your hubby for any particular reason, is he treating you better and maybe wanting to work at the marriage. Cuz its not fair that he would want to stay married to you, but just be "friends", that cannot happen, its not fair to either of you. I too believe once you put God 1st in your life, good things seem to happen, well they do for me. It makes me wonder, and I am sure too, what your
hubby is keeping bottled up inside, cuz you did mention his "past"...maybe if he started letting things out and talking them over he wouldn't have such bottled up feelings. And you Brownie, you have every right to express the way you feel, and not just agree with everything he says, I like it, cuz you do stand up for yourself.

I am going to say a prayer for you and your family and hope the day is
comforting for you.

Hugs, love and friendship...camer

October 19, 2004
10:12 pm
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camer, thank you,thank you.i thank you so much for being there for me and the support.also this site is supporting too.but as for my husband,he's been in denial for a long time.when he got off drugs,that's when it started.he's still closed in.so i feel like why do i have to feel like this.i want to let this guy be to himself.like continuation from the story.

we have made love since last year before we separated.a couple of months ago,i have tried to talk to him about out relationship on several occasions these past months.

he kept saying the same thing,that he wants us to be friends.he does not want us to get in a relationship right now.he's comfortable staying at his father's house which i believe has put a big impact on him.

i don't dig his family to much.he was always his mother's favorite and ever since we got married,she did not like me anymore,but would play it off.last year,there was a time that we had to go stay with her and my sister-in-law.remember i told you we was in and out of the shelter.we had left my father-in-laws house last year,that was when the separation began.i had thought his father had threw us out,but that was not the case.god reveals things more than ever,ever since i been living here.he's showed me alot of things.

my father-in-law had left his place to us last year and went and stayed with his wife.he had let us stayed for 6 months because i was trying to get my grant back.they help you looks for an apartment and they had closed my case.so my father-in-law came back after 6 months saying that he wants his place back.so as usual,i jump to conclusions.assuming that he put us out and my hubby had told me for months that him and his dad did not put us out,we volunteered to leave.it's also my fault too god showed me because i was also listening to people concerning the grant that i have.they give you a certain time to find a place,so if you don't find one a certain time,then they say we'd have to wait to go in a shelter.basically,they help you get your grant faster by staying in a shelter.

that was not the case.we was there for 2 weeks.they had placed us in a temporary shelter.it was a beautiful place,but did not like the area it was at.they have investigators to review your case.basically,if they find you eligible,they place you in a permanent shelter until you find your own place,if not eligible,then you have to leave the temporary shelter and you can either go for a fair hearing or just forget about it.

i went for a conference and they denied my case.so we left.i hated to put my kids through that.we had to go to my inlaws house and that's when all hell broke loose.the first day we went,my mother-in-law started with me.she was already drinking.her daughter also lives down the hall from her and she said we could stay with her.this is the sister that introduced her brother(husband)to me.we have not been close.i don't know her anymore.so i don't have no dealings with her.she thinks also she's too good for anyone.

she's not married and does not have any kids and tends to get in peoples business.let me cut to the chase,her mother had got smart,i had wanted to leave the first day,but my daughter talked me into staying.i gave this lady 3 strikes and we left.she was and went berserk on me and my kids.she already had it in for me from the get go.she called me a bitch and called my kids monsters and that they were not her grandkids.she kept slamming her daughters door,yelling for us to get out.she would always come next door to her daughters to eat something or to talk to her.her daughter was not there when he happened.a couple of times she continued to start trouble.

so we had to leave,i was about to explode on this lady.then when she gets sober,she feels guilty and tries to act nice.so you know i felt so out of place,full of anxieties and depressed.

then went to my mother's house.of course that was the last resort.me and my mother was never really close until maybe about 3 years ago.we studied herbal medicine together.that was the only thing we had in common.but all of my life with my mother,she always favored my little sister,the middle one,i have 2 sisters and 2 brothers from my fathers side.we was staying there for 6 months.she just recently had me arrested because she wanted me and my kids out her house.the thing was was that she could not control me anymore.like i said before,coda changed my life and i am glad of the new change.so i don't really have a family to rely on.my grandmother was special to me and some of my aunts.they all died.i have 1 aunt and 1uncle left.my dad was a sweetheart,i had lost contact of him.

i have alot of cousins where i live at and my 2 cousins,were the only ones that supported me through all this and 3 of my friends.

i realized something else too.that my husband somewhat acts like my mother as far as being manipulative,controlling and mood swings.they have this saying that you marries your mother or something to that extinct.

so i am gonna stop there,i don't want to go overbaoard.i want to be abe to explain this step by step.

i am upset with him right now because it's the same thing as last year except his father goes to his wife's house for a couple of days.he still continues to stay at his house.he is an elder(minister)and he is in no way supportive.i can't understand camer how some people call themselves christians,my mother too and they read the bible and see what god want us to do and they just ignores it.i just don't get it.

he did not try no kind of way to get me and my husband back together.if any thing,he wants my husband to support him and take care of him all over again.the inlaws don't want us back together.they want to keep us apart.they are very twisted people.

so he is coming back tomorrow,he left since saturday and mention about me paying the rent,which i have no problem with but the thing is is that,he and my husband wants me to pay them back rent,when in general,i thought they just wanted the rent in general.see my husband in some ways do not know how to budget his money.don't know how to really be a responsible father.

he tells me at the last minute that he wants the back pay.his father don't even know what it is to own an apartment.he complains about the bills and the cost of it.he waits at the last minute to pay his bills,but yet don't see what part he plays.like for example,when the bathtub overflowed,i had to call the super.he said the reason why he did not call the super is because he don't want people knowing his business.that don't make no sense!!!

so i'm acting stubborn again not wanting to talk to my husband.i was just basically quiet.i'm trying not to,but i really cannot talk to him about it.he still puts his family as 1st priority.so i will just deal with it by being quiet and just leave it to god.

i'm sorry to have wrote so long,but i wanted to continue the story.however,i am glad for you.hopefully camer,i will have someone that will be there for me.i been feeling lonely for so long.but i'm getting used to it which is good.i would have to be by myself for awhile anyway because of getting myself together.so we'll talk again.(HUGS TO YOU MY FRIEND)

October 19, 2004
10:27 pm
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(((hugs to you Brownie))) and yes I am sure you are feeling lonely, as you should, just keep holding and hugging and loving yourself daily, that is important!! it really is.

Sound like your hubby def. puts his father up on a pedastal, and maybe he is the "favorite" of the family, but there comes a time when you have to break the "umbilical cord"....he needs to put YOU first and foremost, you are his wife!!! and for him to not do that and keep things bottled up isn't good either. Gosh, I wish you could throw some "magic dust" on him to make him better, but this is life and it doesn't work that way.

Keep God in your life daily, and you can still pray for your hubby, just
let him do what he has to do I guess, and you, my friend, are aware of his problems, and do what you have to for you and your children. I do pray for you and hope things go ok, not knowing what will happen each day, must suck....Keep the faith, honey, you are in my thoughts and prayers, and know I am always here for you to listen & support in any way possible.

(((lotsa hugs & love))))) camer

October 20, 2004
6:58 am
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((hi brownie))) starting off your day with a big hug...hope all is ok in your world...Peace, love and prayers are with you!
Camer

October 20, 2004
4:39 pm
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hi camer,you are also in my prayers and thanks alot friend.you lifts me up and i needs that.i don't hardly get positive feedback from families at times.

however,you won't believe what happened last night camer,me and my husband had got into an argument,which i did not want to happen.he did not go to work yesterday,so he was home most of the day.

it was over the kids fighting over playing the computer.they argue everyday,so in the meantime,i forgets that that is his father's house and his and whenever that's the case,you have to respect their boundaries.

so he had said that let the baby get on the computer and i was already on the computer,so i had said in a nice way that she's gonna get spoiled.the baby was crying as usual.lol. so he gets hysterical for no reason.i was saying it in a nice way.so he told me to get off the computer.

basically,we started arguing in front of the kids and he was saying things like if i don't like what's said in this house,then you can get out.of course,we went through this before.so i said mean things to him and i had called my friend because i could not get on the computer to talk to you,so god is so amazing.while i was talking to my friend,she's also spiritual,he kept following me in the kitchen.he smokes unfortunately.so i had no intentions of talking to him.i was acting stubborn again.

as me and my friend talks on the phone,i had told her i am not gonna apologize to him and 10 minutes later,camer,he came and apologized to me.i was speechless.i was so amazed.so after i got off the phone,i had apologized and gave him a hug and he kissed me on my forehead.

i really think camer that god is working on him.the last time i can remember my husband apologizing was maybe 4 months ago.also i think he wants me,i think.i am trying to see what god wants us to do.i believe he wants us to learn how to communicate without arguing.also i have to be more considerate of his feelings too.he be under alot of stress at his job.,my friend reminded me of that.so i will ask god to remind me to not assume things and like you said,just take one day at a time.

in the meantime,hows things with you and your friend.i hope all is well.if you want to talk about it or anything else,i'm here to listen.(ALL HUGS AND SUPPORT) my dear friend.

October 20, 2004
10:49 pm
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Brownie, ((((hello)))) wow, your hubby did that!!! yes, God is working with you!!! keep God in your life and he works miracles, I believe that!! Even though I know you and your hubby fight, with the computer deal and all, it did end up turning out good, which is a good start. Maybe your hubby is recognizing that you are not going to "argue" with him, and just let go, therefore, he has time to cool off and things get better...hope that makes sense.

Brownie, I am so glad with the way things are progessing since you have come to this site, you seem more peaceful and calm with yourself, maybe the letting go is helping.

Know I am always here for you, and Yes me and my friend Mr. Sweetie are
doing great, we have been seeing eachother only 2 months, and he is great guy, one good thing is he has no addictions, and he has a steady job....not like my other bf's...so I am taking baby steps and still working on me, and going to my coda meetings, and things are looking oooh so good.

(((((sending you warm hugs and lotsa love and support))))))

camer

October 21, 2004
8:58 am
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everything makes complete sense what you said camer,and i am glad i came to this site.it was god in the plan.in a matter of fact,i believe this was part of the blessing.meeting people who are spiritual,positive and gives advice.supporting one another.

i have not been able to go to my coda meetings lately,but whenever i don't get to go,i can always come on here and talk with your.

i also am taking baby steps as far as my husband's concern.i'm about to do something as far as making love to him this weekend.i do not know if it's time to do or not.i waiting on god to show me.i had did something like that before,like a couple of months ago and he refused me.so i may have to take a risk,like they say in coda.

i am so happy for you.he sounds like a really great guy.hugs to you.

October 21, 2004
9:32 am
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((HI Brownie))) i know how you may feel if you get rejected with making love..it makes me feel less desirable, i guess alot of it does have to do with emotions, and I hope your hubby is grounded with his emoitons and things do go well for you this weekend, and baby steps are the best thing to do.

I am going to go to my coda meeting tonite, can't wait...i missed it for a few weeks,but knowing i have this site is great support also.

I wish you peace and happiness.

October 21, 2004
10:16 pm
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thanks camer.i hope it goes well this weekend.i also just remembered that i had made an appointment to go to wic.it's a place where they give you free juices and cheese and cereal for your baby.i usually go to the meetings on fridays.i have not went in i think 2 months.

so i forgot that i should have scheduled the wic appt.for next tuesday instead.i had completely forgot.i am disappointed.really disappointed.i miss my friends from coda and i miss the sharings there.

maybe i may cancel the appt. again.i already had canceled 2x,so i don't know i'll see.peace and hugs to you.

October 22, 2004
7:15 am
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Hi Brownie.....about your Wic appt....go if you have the time and if you really want to go. Its tough, cuz just like my Coda meetings they are every Thurs nite...and sometimes I can't make the meetings, even though I'd like to go every single week, its just sometimes life gets too hectic and busy. See how you feel tonite and if you feel up to the Wic meeting and if you can't make it for tonite you always have next tuesday......do what you have to for you and your schedule, cuz the meetings will always be there....gosh, there was a time when I missed 2 mos of my coda meetings, but I came back and everyone remembered me, and it was like I was like I never missed the meetings.

Take things slow with your hubby this weekend and your possible "intimacy time"....go with your feelings all around and know you are in my thoughts.

Till next time Brownie, have a great morning & will chat soon!

(((hugs, love and peace)))

Camer

October 22, 2004
2:51 pm
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wow!!!camer,you read my mind.when i came on to check my messages,it had appeared to me to ask you about this weekend concerning my husband.it's really something how we are both codependent and we sometimes know what we are already thinking.

that had happened to my girlfriend,she is also codependent and when i was staying with her over the summer,i was feeling like i was intruding and all of a sudden,she had spoke out saying that she knows what i'm thinking and that i am not intruding.i was welcomed to stay and that i should take this opportunity.

so it is really a great feeling to have such friends that speak the same language.it is such a blessing for coda.it really changed my life around.

as for the wic,i decided to go and try to make it to the meeting next week lord willing.i had just came back.so i figured to just take care of that.we needed to get more juices anyway.

but getting back to my husband,i wanna tell you that i am getting nervous about it.he had just left for work and he is sexy as ever.i can't even believe he's my husband sometimes with the way i look.i know that's my codependent talking and my inner child.but i really don't know how to go about it.i kept thinking about it today,and i don't know.we'll talk later.i really need some more feedback.especially tomorrow night.HUGS TO YOU

October 22, 2004
3:11 pm
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((brownie)) yes, how we do think alike!!!

And I hope you have a great time at the Wic meeting, and hanging with your freinds and eating good food!

As for your hubby, hubba hubba!!! just go with your feelings, maybe you both will be feeling sexy and want to
get a lil' romantic!!! its funny when you mentioned that you can't believe he is your husband, with the way YOU look, come on' honey, I am sure you look lovely, and yes, that is your coda going thru your mind, with all the negative thoughts, think good things, think of all the good traits you have and think good thoughts. As for approaching your hubby on the
"intimacy" you can either go with your vibes and just let things happen naturally, it that doesn't work, you could always just talk with him on
his feelings, either it will or will not happen. So it cannot hurt to talk.

Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

(((lotsa hugs and support)))
Camer

October 22, 2004
3:16 pm
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((brownie)) yes, how we do think alike!!!

And I hope you have a great time at the Wic meeting, and hanging with your freinds and eating good food!

As for your hubby, hubba hubba!!! just go with your feelings, maybe you both will be feeling sexy and want to
get a lil' romantic!!! its funny when you mentioned that you can't believe he is your husband, with the way YOU look, come on' honey, I am sure you look lovely, and yes, that is your coda going thru your mind, with all the negative thoughts, think good things, think of all the good traits you have and think good thoughts. As for approaching your hubby on the
"intimacy" you can either go with your vibes and just let things happen naturally, it that doesn't work, you could always just talk with him on
his feelings, either it will or will not happen. So it cannot hurt to talk.

Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

(((lotsa hugs and support)))
Camer

October 22, 2004
4:30 pm
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i tried to talk to him before and he had said that he did have the urges at times,but he'd rather look at porn on the internet and would not have to worry about the negative consequences.i don't know if i mention that to you that he watches porno on the internet.he said hes been doing it for years ever since he was a kid.

when we was living together,he used to watch it on videos.he'd watch it whenever i was angry at him.so i really think he is scared to do it because he may feel that we may not get along,but llike you said camer,think positive.take it slow.

i will definitely keep that in mind.thanks camer and thanks for praying for me.likewise,i always prays for you too.Hugs to You

October 22, 2004
4:39 pm
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Also i forgot to mention concerning the way i look.ever since i was a little girl,i always thought i was ugly.i think it comes from my mother when she always called me names.

Another reason i felt like this is i was also physically and sexually abused by my stepfather.i was a very messed up kid.so when i also used to go out on dates as a teen,the guys that i liked,were cute,and they did not seem to like me.i may have had 2 x boyfriends that were really cute whereas alot of girls liked them.

so i'm not trying to brag or anything,it's just alot of girls liked my husband.i don't go by the looks only,i go by personality also.he is really different from other guys.so that's why i feel that i was not good enough for him,but like you said it's that codependent feeling again.thanks for reminding me.

October 23, 2004
6:43 pm
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hi camer,are you there.i had checked in to see if you had checked my post late last night and i checked this morning.i guess you probably went out.i hope you have a nice time.

as you probably wondering,if i did it with my husband yet.not yet. i would have to wait late tonight to do it.he stays up all night.so i would also have to wait to my kids go to bed.i had came back from buying a lingerie.if we do it,i want it to be special.

i noticed he did something which made me kinda happy.i mention something about the computer and i was already on the computer and he touched my hand on the mouse.so hopefully,that's a good response.i am so nervous.i'll keep you posted on what happened.Hugs to You

October 23, 2004
8:07 pm
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Brownie baby!!! touching your hand is a good thing with your hubby, and maybe with you making the initiative with some lingerie, and him being more physical with you.....things could go quite well tonite!!! hubba hubba!!

As for the part being younger, hon, I too went thru the thoughts that I was "ugly" I used to wear these lil' catseyes glasses, like coke bottles, and gosh I was made fun of so much in grade school even thru high school. and it sucked, cuz I thought that I was the ugly girl on the block cuz of my glasses, and its all cuz kids used to pick on me and I never stuck up for myself. I guess alot of kids go thru pain when they are young, and bring it on into there adulthood....its sick and sad, cuz I today, still have times where I feel so insecure wear glasses (even thought 90% of the time I wear contact lenses)....but either with contact lenses or glasses...deep down in my soul, I am me, no matter what I look like on the outside. I guess Brownie, what I am saying, is you have to appreciate you on the inside and out...no matter how you look. Believe in yourself, and know of all your good qualities, and love you for you. So girl, put on the lingerie, give it a shot...and I hope you 2 have a great time tonite.

Will be back on 2morrow, its 8pm now EST

Love, hugs and support...camer

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