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broken inside
May 29, 2006
10:37 pm
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desertflower
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Here I am broken again. Holding onto a fantasy of love. I met him a year ago. He told me he loved on my birthday last year which is next week. I'll be 30 and I'm freaking out!!! He scooped me up into this whirlwind of a fantasy and I went along for the ride. He told me and everyoone around me he was marrying me and he was going to take care of me. He couldn't wait to let the world no he was in love with me! He wanted me to move in right away and he bought this beautiful home on a mountain with amazing views and took me up there and asked me if this was ok for me. We popped open a bottle of Champagne and celebrated our future. I was taking care of my brother's kids at the time and he invited them to come live there as well. He told me it was my home too and I gave him my entire savings towards this house and he wanted me to sell my house too. Luckily I didn't.

I thought that I had met the man of my dreams!! He made me laugh til my stomach hurt. Everyone loved him. He is one of those guys who walks into a room and can make anyone laugh. A true charmer. I guess that's why he is such a good business man.

He made so many empty promises and then started backtracking on them all saying he couldn't love me the way I deserved to be loved. He had the audasity to break things off in an email when I was out of town just before XMAS. So I left, I moved out, put all my stuff in storage and left the country for two months. Now here I am back at my house. He wanted me back so desperately only to do the same thing again. I trusted him with my heart and have never felt that amount of pain in my life. I really thought I was marrying this guy and I never thought that about anyone.

I know this is so pathetic but yesterday was his birthday and I took him skydiving and tried to salvage something and all he wanted to do was get down my pants and tell me how hot I was. I didn't have sex with him but later that night I just wanted to ly next to him and hold him and he said he felt awkward!!! Can you believe that?! I said how come you didn't feel awkward when you were trying to get down my pants!! Just when I think he loves me, he'll do something so cold and I don't understand why! One minute he loves me the next minute he can't love me. I so despartely want to get back what we had in the beginning. He only seems to realize that he loves me when I'm not around and ignore his calls.

I left his house last night feeling empty once again. I came home and curled up on the floor and felt like I was literally broken inside. I cried so hard I couldn't breath and felt like dying and have been crying all day today.

He sent me a text message today and asked if I was Ok? and sorry about last night. I feel like if he really wanted to know if I was ok he would call. I thought about sending him a text message saying my heart is full of pain but I have no one to blame but myself for letting him back into my life. Somebody please help me to not even respond to his letters, emails and text meaages. I'm so scared. I just want to be comfortble in my own skin again. Before I let him back in my life I was beginning to feel good about myself again and seeing a brighter future and now I feel like I'm worse than when we broke up the first time. I'm trying so hard to do the right thing but then I will get this overwhelming feeling of lonliness and it hurts like hell. I guess I'm just looking for some encouraging words to help give me strength to stay strong. Sorry for babbling on and on.

May 29, 2006
10:50 pm
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jastypes
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YOu go ahead and babble. Sorry, but this guy sounds like trouble. LOve does change. It's not the same after a year, or 2 or 5 or 20. But it's supposed to grow. We all have ups and downs, but if there are such severe downs BEFORE marriage, I don't even want to think about how bad they will be AFTER marriage. I know it's easier said than done, but I'd try my hardest to let this one go.

May 29, 2006
11:11 pm
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desertflower
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Hey jastypes,

Thank you for you're support. You are so right about the marriage thing. I guess it could be worse if I would have married him and figured it out later. He even tried to have kids with me and luckliy I didn't get pregnant! I'm trying to let go. It has been the scariest thing I've tried to do. I have so many adandonment issues weighing me down. I had a father who could care less. I found him when I was 15 and the only advice he had for me was that you could be a hooker if you're a classy one. He was a hardcore biker so I never saw him again and my mom was very abusive all through my childhood. I try hard everyday to let go of past hurts. I know I can't hang on to these things if I want to grow as a person. It's just so damn hard sometimes.

May 29, 2006
11:11 pm
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LthrNlace
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I am so sorry for the pain you feel. I have been in the same situation. I too felt so broken inside. Felt like the pain was pulling me down, pulling my whole world in on me. I know as cliche as it is, time does heal these wounds. As hard as it is hun, you have to stay away from him and let your heart heal.

Every time you feel the pain eating away at you, do something good for you. Take a walk, a bath, read a book, call a friend/family member.... anything that will take your mind off the pain. Cry when you feel you need to. I did, and it helped.. I cried so hard I had no more tears, and I was completely spent. That made it easier to slowly rebuild myself.

Hope you have better days ahead, You deserve sooo much more than him to treat you this way. Find one thing to smile about each day. It helps.

May 29, 2006
11:20 pm
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Matteo
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(((((desertflower)))))

I am so sorry that you are hurting like this; trust me, I can relate so well.

Try to read this, maybe it will ring some bells for you: http://www.heartless-bitches.c.....anip.shtml.

Those articles were my first step to my self-discovery; maybe it will help you in some ways, as well.

All the best to you.

May 29, 2006
11:21 pm
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desertflower
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I'm so glad I decided to go on this website. My counseler told me about it and I decided what the hell, might as well try it even though I was skeptical. It makes you realize you are not alone in this, that you are not some weirdo with all these problems when everyone around you seems to be doing so good and you feel like you're life is falling apart. It truly does help to read other people's stories. Thank you for the support.

Thx LthrNlace

May 29, 2006
11:32 pm
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desertflower
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Hey Matteo,

thanks for that website. Some of that stuff is hilarious!! It definitely rang some bells for me! I really liked some of those qoutes.

May 29, 2006
11:39 pm
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Matteo
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((LthrNlace))

I know that those are individual issues, but would you please share how long was your relationship, and how long it took you to forget him, and did you? Are you able to cry again? Last year I cried so much, I never knew that human body can produce so many tears.

desertflower,

Don't go back to him, he will pull you as many times as you will allow him to do it to you. As my friends here are saying to me: "Think self-preservation."

May 29, 2006
11:43 pm
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Matteo
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You are welcome! Keep reading, especially the chapters of "Romeo's Bleeding". If the bells are ringing, there is more to come.

May 29, 2006
11:54 pm
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desertflower
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I will do my best to not respond to this last text message he sent asking if I'm OK. My birthday is on the 4th and he sent me an email saying he has all these gifts with meaning that he is sending me! WHY????? why does he keep pulling me back or the real ? is why do I keep letting him?! Stop the madness! I don't want to feel this pain anymore!!!

((matteo)) my tears seem endless as well. I'm tired of walking around with puffy eyes and an aching heart. I can't even count all the times I would be lying next to him in bed wanting him to love me and crying myself to sleep and he wouldn't even know it.

May 30, 2006
12:14 am
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Matteo
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Please don't do it, because everything will repeat itself. Each time you will trust again, each time he will break your trust and it gets more and more painful. I know how hard it is, especially when he calls on you. He will not give up easily. Remember in how much pain you are and that is even more to come when you will give in. Please try to stay strong. Don't let him do it to you again, don't let him hurt you!Keep reading. Hugs.

May 30, 2006
12:20 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Desertflower:

I am so sorry to hear what you are going thru. I can't add much to what was said above so eloquently but I would like to tell you about a thread that may help you.

If you go to "thread search" and type in the words "How You Become Prey to a Charmer/ Abuser" you will find a past thread written by Ladeska. Its rather lengthy but it helped me tremendously. After the initial shock of what it said, it made so much sense. If you've never experienced anything like what is happening now, you may be in for a big surprise.

Also, there is a perpetual thread going entitled the "No Contact Club". It is for people who are trying to maintain no contact and they are very supportive of each other. Check it out.

Welcome to the site and please keep posting.

SD

May 30, 2006
1:30 am
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desertflower
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((sdesigns))

thank you so very much. what a powerful message!!! I'll be sure to read this everytime I am even considering to have contact with him and I will be sure to pass it on to whom ever needs it. Big Hugs, desertflower

May 30, 2006
6:34 am
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smarterone
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It sounds like because of your childhood, you desire someone to love you for you. The romance, the holding, security of the mans arms around you when you are feeling down. Not about SEX.
I think his idea of caring is selfish and really doesnt understand your heart. Cry it out and then after think it out. Baby steps, avoid him if you can, and see what his next steps will be, if he wants you for you, he will be there. You see what you want and go for it.

May 30, 2006
1:28 pm
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desertflower
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Smarterone, thanks for the support. Yr right, I want so much more than just SEX! Are you struggling with the same kind of thing and how are you dealing with it?

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