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broken family relationships
June 1, 2007
2:55 am
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zen_11
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hi.. i'm 24 yrs. old, only child still living with parents. all my life, i've been all alone, parents working so i have no one to talk to about problems, how i'm feeling, etc.. basically, i'm not close to both my parents. i don't tell them things about what's going on with my life.. it has been that way since the beginning.. i have a bf now that my mom doesn't approve at all. i'm the topic of discussion with my family's friends because of my relationship. all of them don't approve. they say things to my mom to further disapprove me and my bf.. and so began the rift between me and my mom. she doesn't want me to tell my dad coz she's afraid that he might disown me and that she's doing this because she's protecting me. she doesn't trust me when i go out.. we've been trying to tell her that we love each other and his intentions for me are pure, but she's not listening.. she said that i don't have a future with him, that he's only after my money, his boss (which is also my mom's friend) says bad things about him.. and my mom listens to them rather than to me..(background about my bf: he's 30 yrs. old, has 2 kids from his ex-gf. he's decent, has a job and supports his 2 kids. he prioritizes them and i respect that in him.)
i've been telling her that i'm not a kid anymore and that i have to live my own life.. if this relationship is a mistake then let me make that mistake and learn from it.. i've been trying to be a good daughter but when can i live my own life?? not feeling guilty that i'm destroying my family because of this relationship. i don't know what else to do.. i thinking of moving out and be on my own (not with my bf).. but then again, there's a part of me that doesn't want to leave.. i'm afraid o f what people might think of me.. like i'm ungrateful child, who chose her bf over her family... and i'm afraid that if i do that, my mom would die of heartache and pain.. but if i stay.. what would happen to me? am i just going to live my life following my parents? i need advise.. badly... i'm out of options already... please help..

June 1, 2007
3:32 am
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fantas
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Hi Zen, I think follow your heart. Like you said, if this relationship is a mistake, you will make it and learn. At the same time, you shouldn't completely dismiss what everyone is telling you about this man you are with. Check him out honestly and see if there is any merit to what everyone is saying. His boss shouldn't be discussing his employees with anyone without a written consent. Your mother will survive after you move out. Even if you end up not being with this guy, I think you should still move out so you learn to stand on your own. Keep posting. I wish you all the best.

June 1, 2007
3:49 am
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doubleloss
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dear zen_11.
my cousin is in a similar situation. she's 27, totally indpendant w/ a great job, blahblahblah and she's engaged to a guy that my aunt hates!! I know him since we are babies, from a very good family. I think my aunt is crazy. My cousing is marrying him. She has to do that. It's her life, it's what she wants. She's not a little girl...and if the guy end up being the holy-jerk my aunt swears he is, well, my cousin will have to deal with that.

So having said that you need to follow your bliss, but make sure that whatever you do is what YOU want and that is the best/healthiest decison for your life. Beware of doing things just to please or get back at people (parents, family,f riends...etc)that never works out in the long run.

you sound like a smart person. keep your heart/eyes and ears open. Best of luck.

June 1, 2007
4:32 am
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zen_11
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i know i need to live my own life... but there's something holding me back.. like i'm forever indebted to my parents since they worked hard to give me a good education, etc.. like i'm throwing it all away just because i wanted to be in this relationship.. that's why i'm having a hard time.. like i'm bound to do what my parents want me to do...

June 1, 2007
5:01 am
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doubleloss
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hizen. i guess what you are doing is called growing up. and from my experience the growing up is on both sides....us, the kids asserting our independance and our parents accepting that we are adults. It's hard. It's time for you to make some hard decisions. But listen, also, from my own family experience your parents are your paretns and they love you no matter what. They might try to control you and if you decide to go against your wishes they might even stop talking to you for a while...but the clue here is: for a while. Family ties are strong and when they see that you are happy they will come around. Well, that's what I've seen happening over and over again.

My sister married a guy 15 yrs her senior, divorced 2x, my dad hated him. She married him at 22 and my dad stopped talking to her for about 10 years, then they reconciled but not w/the husband. Last weekend they all went for lunch!!! It's all about growing up. My sister was very firm in her conviction and the price she payed was very high, but it would have been higher had she not gone with her heart... it would have cost her the love of her life.

Really listen to what your mom tells you abou thtis guy.... moms know (well, most). Or is it that it would be ANY guy that she would complain about? does he treat you badly in ANY way, even if its minute.

keep posting.

June 1, 2007
6:13 am
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zen_11
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no, he's a great guy! we've known each other way back.. i guess its just that he has kids already.. my mom said that they worked so hard just to give me an education, and i'm an only child. so how can he raise 2 kids and have me at the same time.. she said that what if there would come a time that he couldn't support his kids anymore, he would turn to me for help etc.. it's like she's saying that if you have kids, you don't get a chance to have another family anymore.. he already said to my mom that he's constantly saving money for his kids and that my money is mine. he won't be needing monetary help from me for his kids. he said that he doesn't love me because of my money (and he earns more money than me you know) and his intentions are pure..

June 1, 2007
8:31 am
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smarterone
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Zem
You sound sensible. I understand your mom and i understand you. I have a 31 yrs old son who i only wish had half the sense as you. Unfortunately he is messed up on drugs too and never wants to leave here. But as for you. My only fear, is that i have a thing about people with children, i did it, but since you have none of your own their would be no favoritisim, but be warned you wont get all his attention. Kids get scared that you will take him away and dont mean to but can cause arguments. If you are strong you will make it. Remember yourself first, something i never do. As for mom and dad, they will come around sooner or later. You have to live your own life and one thing that is good you sound like you are financially secured. Good luck

June 1, 2007
12:42 pm
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nappy
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The only thing that I can say is that your parents and yourself is hurting each other.
You all may think that you are doing the right thing but you all are not.
At 24, you should be out on your own. You should be living your life and your parents should be living there life. Regardless of how you are living, you are going to make mistakes in your life but they will be your mistakes not your parents.
If your parents has taught you well about life then you should go out and live it. You only live once and this is your life, not your parents.
I know as a parent that we only want what is good for our childrens. Sometimes we look at our own lives and don't want our childrens to repeat the same mistakes in life like we did, but that is the only way that you learn about life.
You need to start making plans for your life and to stop having your parents to enabling you of any kind. The only way to life is to experience it.
Nappy!

June 4, 2007
1:15 am
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zen_11
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hi smarterone. about the kids, i know that they will always be his first priority. i understand that and don't want to compete for his attention. as of now, we're very careful not to be seen with his kids since we still have my problem with my parents. so until everything is fine, we think it's best to keep the kids out of it first. and they're still young, they may not understand it at this stage.

thank you all for replying.. i will keep all your advices in mind. pray for me as i make this huge decision. thanks!!

June 4, 2007
1:38 am
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vinny
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