Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
Broke My Own Heart - Please Advise
August 13, 2005
5:44 pm
Avatar
sssad_ggguy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am near tears as I type this because I just can't seem to forgive myself for cancelling my own wedding just weeks before it would have taken place 2 years ago. After I 'did the deed' I became incredibly numb and emotionless (probably even beforehand too) and at the time my ex and I kept in touch regularly for a while - it was amicable, I guess. By the time it happened she wasn't so surprised as I had been battling depression (bipolar disorder) at times in our 3+ year relationship. I also dove into work head first, as I had just gotten a great job and was enthusiastic, which also helped me delay the sensation that maybe all was not right in the world. In retrospect I feel as if I was so callous about it all! It pains me so much now but, that's part of why I'm writing I guess. Needless to say, at the time I was numbing out, my ex dove pretty heavily into religion which I found odd because of her fierce opposition to being 'preached to' by a member of her own family, which she found particularly disturbing. As time marched on, she became baptised and sort of 'born-again' I think, and she started preaching to me every time we talked about how badly she wanted to see me in Heaven when the end came around. In all the time I'd known her, I could easily have seen her joke about this, but it seemed she wasn't joking and I got a little creeped out. Fast-forward (for time's sake) 6 months, about 10 months total since we (I) broke up. She calls to tell me she's engaged to this great guy she met at her church. At the time I felt happy for her, as best as someone with no emotional capacity could at least. They were to be married in November (5 months away). I let it go at that. Then I was moving out of the place we had last spent so much time together to be truly on my own again and it hit me - I had REALLY made a terrible mistake. I was overwhelmed with ghosts of our relationship and was haunted not because they were bad but because I was flushed with the awareness of just how much I loved her and she me and I felt utter despair at my foolishness. This was last September/October and I tried to brush it off, knowing I had already 'blown it' and she was with someone else, despite that everyone who had heard of her new engagement was incredibly skeptical (except me, but I clearly was experiencing a rash of poor judgement for some time). Finally, I couldn't contain my soul from acting - I had to contact her so we could talk (and I could beg her to not go through with it). And, so as luck would have it, the day I tried to make the call was her Wedding Day, which was moved to late October unbeknownst to me. So, I wept at my loss briefly and have tried to move on. I 've spoken to priests, peers, therapists and therapy groups, family, friends and anyone I could think of to help lighten the load I have carried. And now more than ever I miss her and am overwhelmed by the sadness and regret of my self-imposed loss and find it more difficult than ever to refrain from cursing myself for being such a fool. I would give 10 years of my life to turn back time and have the chance to do it over again, with the clarity I have now. I loved her and still do. God, this is so painful.

August 13, 2005
5:53 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Sad Guy,

I'm sorry that you are hurting. I wish that I had some words that would make you feel better but all I can offer you is support.

I know that sometimes we make mistakes that we cannot take back. I'm sorry that this seems to be the case here. The best thing you can do for yourself is to continue to get help to deal with this and try to move on.

Keep posting here. There are many great people here that can give you encouragement and support during this difficult time.

Good luck and keep posting

Lolli

August 13, 2005
7:34 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sad Guy, sometimes the WORST pain we can feel is that of regret. But instead of letting it do you in, why not use it to make you stronger and better. I'm sorry that your heart has been broken. I think we can all relate to that here. But you won't be able to heal and move on until YOU decide that's what you want to do. Stop beating yourself up. You did what you felt like you needed to do at the time, even though in hind sight things look very different.

All of us have loved and lost. It is, unfortunately, a part of life. You may not believe me now, but YOU
WILL LOVE AGAIN!!! But not until you stop mourning this relationship that wasn't meant to be. That's the hard part. And that is why we are here. To help you through the bad days and rejoice with you on the good ones!

I will leave you with this thought..."What if does NOT exist, so don't even go there." There is nothing you can do about yesterday, but TODAY, ahhhhhhh now that is a different story!!! Thank God for second chances, and third, and fourth, and (well you get the picture)! Keep posting:)

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
33
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111165
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
anissafield, Aemorph, CaitlynForlong, AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information