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brenda update
July 19, 2000
12:35 am
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Brenda
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hi everyone
well, things have been great. I had my baby, ten pounds! I am on top of the world, very healthy and happy little one.
Came to rant a little, see what feed back I can get. My life and wellbeing has really improved so much since I first came here, I am really pleased.
My husband doesnt drink, and has been really quite loving. There is NO verbal abuse nor am I feel hurt emotionally, not intentionally any way.
I am currently dealing with what feels like post partum blues...my hubby went back to work almost immediately following the birth, this left me with a lot of work.
I felt resentful about this, but because we have some debts that need paying, my husband says he needs to work and would only stress me out staying at home. This is true because the four days that he took off were shit.
I had to ask him to cook a meal for me and the children, had to ask him to fold laundry, do dishes etc...and every spare second he would run onto the computer and play video games. I had a long labor and I really resented the fact taht he would let the kids run into my room when he was playing these games right when I would be breastfeeding or putting the baby to sleep.
I got really upset about this and felt it was very in considerate. He did his best to clean and cook, but it was very minimal.
I felt pressured to get back to domestics and parenting all right away.
This impeded my healing somewhat and I felt this was wrong so I had to hire someone to help me.
My husband has returned to working 14-16 hr days again but says he wont work weekends. Well we had an agreement that he would no longer do this, he would work normal hours.
He makes a promise and slowly starts to sneak back to his old ways, I wont tolerate this if it happens with his drinking. He knows im gone. But I feel almost as upset about the working, I am stuck at home with all of the work and I am not getting as much sleep as I should be.
He keeps justifying it by saying its for our own good, we need the money. We he could hire more people. I dont understand. I keep telling him to hire more people, I need a husband and a father for our children.
This is realy bothering me, as you can tell.
What should I do??
He has also had two nights out with his father and family who just came from overseas to see him. No one even asked me or the children. He says he needed time alone with his dad first, I can see them later.
Whatever.....
I am feeling really neglected and unloved.
He says he loves me, I say "yea you keep telling me that, but I dont feel it so much"
He also needs to be bonding with his new child. He hasnt even touched him in three days.
He only gives me a couple of kisses a day and sometimes I dont even get a hug. The lack of touching and intimacy is disturbing me. Talk about emotionally unavailable,,, is he??
Need a little advice guys. Thanks

July 19, 2000
5:13 am
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hazza
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Hi Brenda,
Congratulations on little junior showing up!!
I have been wating to see when he would come out to play!

So you must be very tired right now, I hope youa re eating well and getting lots of vitamins inside you!

Okay, well I havent been around much myself lately but I check back in and who do I find? My old buddy Brenda!

So you start your post by saying how well everything is going - saying hubby is being loving and so on, yet by the end of yor post it is a different story?

I think I know what you are saying though, things are much better than they WERE before, but there is still some stuff to sort out.

It seems to me that your husband has started viewing you just as a mother and wife - this is why he is terrified at you leaving because of the gap you would leave behind, so when it comes down to it he loves you and will amke the effort when you are obviously at the end of your tether.

Yet day to day, he is slipping up and going back on the agreements you have made together.

You dont want to be the one making "rules" and he should be mature enough to work out for himself what he should be doing.

I think he is escaping into work as a way of avoiding all this "pressure" and the more time you spend when he is there telling him he should be home more ften themore he is gonna feel pressurised at home and try to avoid it more (in my opinion!)

It is also quite worrying, but also quite common, that he is not bonding with the baby. You need to find out why he is reluctant to take paternity leave. I think the excuse that you need the money is pretty thin - you guys have your own business and there are ways of working it so that he can take the time.

Our Prime Minister recently took paternity leave when Cherie, his wife gave birth! so if he can find the time then I reckon any man can if they want to.

I know that sometimes men have more problems bonding because they feel inadequate and that they are doing things wrong, sometimes new mothers are also reluctant to allow the father to step in and do things.
maybe your husband is a little nervous about this precious baby - scared he will screw up and drop him or doing somehting wrong??

Whatever is going on, we both know that you cant force him into being more loving! been there done that!!

So what to do?
I suggest that you thing first about what you want. I know that you want the marriage to work and be a happy one for you all. So if that is your priority then I guess you need to make a list to yourself of your boundaries. I know you know all about this, just saying it anyway.
SO obviously being a sane woman! you want the marriage to work but not at ANY cost. there are always limits.
Such as the drinking. that is onelimit you are clear on and he has heeded this.

Yet the removal of the drink problem is not enough really, there is still a lot of escapism going on with him, okay so it isn't escaping into drink but it is escaping into work.

Rather than have a whole list of boundaries, you need to find out why he is avoiding. otherwise he will just keep finding other ways to avoid.

You have to ask yourself "okay so if he is avoiding, and if he is not willing to face this issue - then what will I do and what do I want"

Because you cant live an existence of purely being wife and mother - you need to be brenda too.

the choice is usually simple - if he wont face this issue with you you can put up with things the way they are or leave (or ask him to leave - after all you do have the kids to care for)
IF he wont try to sort things out with yo then those are the only choices. you cannot force him to do anything afterall.

But you can try first to get him to see that this issues must be faced and that it is a big deal to you.
If it were me, and I have done this, I would be really honest with him and tell him that things cannot continue this way and that SOMETHING must happen - because you have the right to have a satifying relationship and life, and if he will not work on it with you then you should be free to find a happy life for yourself. otherwise youa re prisoner to a half life - yo cannot be free to see where life takes you and meet new people because you are married, yet your marriage is not a happy and fulfilling one for you right now.

It is not enough for him to enjoy all the support of having a loving wife yet give little back.

The trouble you have is that right now he may just "switch off" when you start explaining, having heard so much of this stuff recently. this is why there has been the tension when you spent time together.

Maybe you could talk to him and explain and then go away somewhere for a few days? ( I know this idea sounds SO stupid when you have just had a baby, soit may not be possible right now but all ideas are worth thinking over I guess!)

Either way you need to explain calmly and then givetime out to you both to think over what you both want.

You need more practical help from hima also, the notion that being a good father is just a case of earning the money is nonsense, if he continues like that he and his son will grow up as strangers and one day he will regret it when he is older and more mature.

But either way, you need him to realise how serious this is, otherwise you could end up being quite unhappy again. all you can do is tell him and know yourself how much you will bend and how much you wont.

You cant keep saying "please change this" and it never really happening, you have tosay "this must change for us to work, if you can't change this then we are just making each other miserable and living a half-life" and then do something about it.
Hopefully he will realise that he needs to mature abit and work through this stuff with you, but if he doesn't how long are you going to wait? I think if you can really know the answer to that question then everything else will work out okay in the end. you just need to change your priority from "must make marriage work" to "we as people must find what makes us happy - hopefully together, but if not then apart"

I really hope he wises up and treats you how you should be treated, you are the mother of his children and he should honour you for that alone!

best of luck and hugs Brenda, you knwo what to do, just tkae the pressure off, keep things simple and say your stuff once and let him work it out. make sure home is a happy place for all of you and he may feel a bit braver at facing this stuff instead of running away.

peace
Haz

July 20, 2000
9:40 pm
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Spirit
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Congratulations! A Cancer child, what a blessing you have received. Okay, so I'm a bit biased, my birthday was the 18th of July. With all I've been going through with my mom, I really didn't expect any type of celebration, boy was I surprised! Amazing how love comes in when all else is a shambles. My "family" is the best. So, we have our times when things go awry, but always, there is love. That my dear friend is what you need to know. There is love. May not come in the way you want it, but it is something you know. Don't get so full of your responsibilities that you forget about the actions and activities that express love. Sorry things have gone awry in your home, but, if you truly know there is love, then all will work out once the stressing is done with. Sending love your way...Bring peace back to the center of your family. Let all be a part of the new addition, and allow all the experience of letting their love come through their actions, rather than their reactions. All will be as it should be, once you just let (you know who)...

July 21, 2000
1:35 pm
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Brenda
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THE GIFT OF FREEDOM is one gift you can only give yourself. You
cannot give it to another. The other must always free himself or
herself. But you can invite them to be free by not imposing
restrictions of your own on another human being. Freeing yourself is
an important self-gift. If you are not free to risk, you cannot grow.
If you are not free to be yourself, you cannot really love. Giving
freedom means realizing you cannot change or control another. You
cannot make another love you. You cannot cling to him or her out of
fear. You cannot restrict another's right to be who they really are
and make their own decisions, have their own thoughts, create their
own emotions, and develop their own values and opinions. By
exercising your own freedom, you invite others to risk being free
themselves.
Thankyou Hazza for you dead on words and Spirit for your inspiring and also truthful words.
I still need to give the gift of freedom more, I cant control him, I cant make him perfect, I need to keep the focus on me.
He has promised this week will be the last overtime and im glad cause im pooped, but im the lucky one, im the one who gets to spend all this quality time with my precious gift and my precious life, im blessed. I feel happier again and content, hormones were happening, but its nice how my steady state now is always that of peace and contentment, this is my base that I come back to time and time again, wasnt always that way.
Hazza, I wish you the best, you intellectualise a lot like I used to and still do at times, but I have learned that I need to take myself less seriously and relax more, I also have reharnessed the power of humor which heals any problem.
Spirit, I can never figure out whether you are male or female, you seem to encompass both genders at times, you really are so wise and an important addition to this site.
God bless all!

July 21, 2000
7:00 pm
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heartfelt
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Brenda, from read Spirit's many past postings, my guess is female.

July 21, 2000
8:22 pm
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argh.. spirit, the star you have, the month ure born in, doesnt matter in life! 🙂 .. u agree right ?

July 24, 2000
8:27 am
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Spirit
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Guest_guest: The sign you are born under does have its effects on you. Some people, without even peeking into their sun sign exhibit the traits to perfection. It helps to understand the many facets of one's elf in order to know what must be accept as an ingrained part of you, and to know which you have control over changing. I could no more change my way of caring for my fellow beings then I could change the way my lungs know to breathe. Its just part of who I am. Gets me in trouble sometimes, because I tend to allow others into my life repetedly, who, in the opinions of others, should have been kicked out a long time ago. Fortunately for me, I continue to care about the spirits of others.

I would love to be able to fix all the hurt in this world, but know that is an impossibility. Therefore, I stick with those that Spirit has placed in my life, and move forward, or is it backwards, or is it in place. At times it is all the above. But the difference that has been made, just by being there when needed, has been astounding. Its easier to burn bridges than it is to fix and repair, I choose to fix and repair. Each time the bridge is made stronger. Empowerment of others is what I'm all about. That is my purpose here on this earth, and it gets very lonely at times. All I have ever truly wanted is to have that someone to love, and to love me with understanding. Just when I think I have, something goes kerplunk.

Brenda: Your last thread was very timely. Once again, I have found words I needed to read from these pages. Thank you. To answer your question, I'm female. Moody as all get out during that time of month, and just as emotional as the next. When my mom was pregnant with me, I had a twin who miscarried in the fourth month. I survived, which I understand is a rare occurrance, especially during the fifties. I grew up with three older brothers and one younger brother. Guess I had the opportunity to see both sides of the fence through my brothers' eyes. I experienced many horrors during my childhood, and tried to learn from them all. I believe that we are put through certain experiences when we are children so we can learn from them in order to help others who have also experienced some of the same. I bid you peace on your continuing journey of finding self...

July 24, 2000
5:08 pm
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aww spirit.. dont worry... my life is a big kerplunk too..
no love, no romance or intimate relationships. if u think about it, how does being born in a different month effect ur personality? whats the logic or scientific reasoning behind it? astrology? is thre any explanation how it happens or it just happens? i think everyone is good. if you read a stars's things, all of them are nice. but they can only be that nice maybe if they are at their best. and newspaper columns of astrology say so many general and similiar things. what do u think. maybe its just for amusement, this astrology?
whatever...

July 28, 2000
6:47 am
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hazza
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Hi All,
There is a theory that solar emisions affect the foetus at time of CONCEPTION.
Apparently, the solar winds cycle in sets of 3 months or so emitting positive charges for three months then negative charges for three months and so on.
The theory states that personality traits attributed to various sunsigns match these solar emmisions.
Bt that is just a theory and I havent explained it too well, but there are books out there on this theory - I can find out the name of the book if anyone is interested - although I havent read it myself yet! just read a different book that touched on this whole thing, so can't say if there is anything in it or not.

I am a typical gemini though, and it amazes me how often people are true to their sign. Other than that I have no feelings either way.
If I read my horoscope and it is good ,then I believe. - If it is bad then I think "oh what a load of rubbish!" whatever suits me best! as I said - a typical Gemini!!

peace to all of you guys
Hazza

July 28, 2000
7:57 pm
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hazza, interesting.. thanks..

i'm sorry i was not expressing what i wanted to express. actualy i wanted to say: stars might effect the personalities, but in life they dont matter. in my view, things over which u have control on, matter. the things u dont have control over, dont matter. e.g. how beautiful u are, ur race, in many cases education(e.g. if u were born in a poor family), ur relgion (almost noone changes their religions, just inheriting it from their family and thus its not under ur control what relgion u have).
likewise, stars dont matter in life, cause if cancer (e.g.) was the best star, its not fair for ppl who are not cancer, cause they didnt have control over what month they were born in. you can be a cancer and still be a loser and e.g. if virgo is the worst star, you could be a virgo and still be a winner. what matters is that u're a winner. that only depends on urself, and on things u have control on, like urself. if we were born in a bad family and thus we were destined to be losers, insecure and not know about it. we can be a winner by recognizing what we are and change ourselves. some ppl live life blindly, some not. some are lucky to be born in an emotionally healthy family. wonder if i make sense?

spirit .. one sign of co-dependence(maybe quoted from this site, i dont know): "i care for others and tend not to care for myself". is it true for you? its true for me i know, sometimes..

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