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breaking up
September 8, 1999
6:59 am
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jonty
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September 24, 2010
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Dear ???
Im in a vey wierd situation. Im a 23 year old , working as a "management
trainee" in
Human Resource Department.
Though i am doing considerably well in my professional life, i am so badly stuck
in
my personal life.
I do not know that why when i am so smart in handling workplace situations
..what
is it that makes me so dumb in dealing with my personal life.

I have been going around with this guy since past 7 yrs. He is such a gem of a
person...he is sooo dedicated...sooo loving ...sooo honest...that i wonder if a
man
like him exists at all. He would give the world for one sweet smile of mine.
However
i some how keep on doing things that sabotage this relationship....i went around
with
a stupid guy who tried to make a fool of me an year back. I just managed to
escape
safely from him somehow. Pl note that being from an Asian background its somehow

culturally ingrained in our minds that for a woman love , dedication & sex are
tightly
woven togather.
I did this (ie go around with this jerk0...just coz my guy was busy with
studying for a
course. This course ie CA is one of the premium courses in the area of finance.
He
therefore did not have time for me and every time i tried to communicate with
him he
scared me away. (HE is sooo perfect that it scares me.) So after facing soo much
of
humiliation I thought it was best if i left him.

Afterwards we came back togather.(Incidently my family loves him & treats him
like
a son in law!)

But now i fin that I am sooo emotionally attached to a colleague of mine. He & I
are
always togather..always talking...& I feel that he accepts me as the nut i
am..ie if i go
out for a movie without planning its fine by him...whereas MY GUY thinks its an
awful way to live without planning. I just want to freak out..sensibally of
course. I am
soo comfortable with him & he with me...he ie my colleage wants to marry me..but
is
waiting for me to leave MY GUY(caps lock to avoid confusion)... which i feel is
very difficult coz im so used to being MY GUY's girl. I do not feel elated when
MY
GUY touches me or whispers tender words coz im so emotionless towards
them..coz when I use to whisper them earlier he used to get irritated...so the
negative
reinforcement resulted in my not expressing my tenderness...which later
translated in
my not feeling anything...BUT this colleague of mine wants all the
tenderness..which i
some how feel like giving..
But sharing my love & time & emotions with my colleague makes me sooooo guilty
coz i feel that if I leave I'll hurt MY GUY...but my colleague makes me sooo
happy...
...taking a decision is very dicey coz even a single tear of MY GUY makes me
want
to hold him....out of love ..obligation...or guilt ..I have no idea...Im sooo
confused.
Owing to this i have left MY GUY many times only to come back later.Recently we
had a show down & he revealed "everything" that has ever transpired between him
& me to my Mom. I feel that this has killed the very bond of "sharing" that a
man & a
woman in love have.
Pl note:-
1 If i marry him I'll be financially verrrrryyy secure.
2. Would not be allowed to work (after my dads death ..it was only my work that

gave me consolation & support & strength ..Not him)
3. In these seven years:
a. we hardly met in the first four years..even though i used to beg him to meet
me.We however talked a lot on phone.
b. had largely a telephonic relationship
c. met to have a physical relation without having intercourse..it is his wish
coz he
wants to save the best for last ie our marriage

On the other hand , my colleague is
a. verrry middleclass ..financially
b. verry handsome..tall & dark (which MY GUY is not)
c. very non-judgemental reg people.
d. sort of relaxed in attitude..(which MY GUY isnt..he's very hyper & constantly

thinking & engaged in an activity)
e. has been dumb enough (like me to get in bad spots at times...(unlike MY GUY
who would NEVER do anything wrong)
f. trusting (which niether me nor my guy are)
g. knows his limits

Now finally, the question is:
1. Who should i choose
2. Will my colleague change(i have known him since 4 months)
3. Do i love MY GUY or is he just a "habit"
4. I feel soooooo confused & guilty for fooling him(MY GUY) again & not being
able to commit to my colleague.

Now since some time MY GUY is trying to restore the sanctity of our relationship

buy loving me more.. Earlier when we "made love to each other ...without
having
intercourse" he used to move off after his...u know what. I felt like a bitch.
Now he
also wants to get engaged after the fight. Im now very unsure about my own
stance...i dont want to hurt him.

All of a SUDDEN HE WANTS TO MARRY , whereas earlier he scolded me for
even talking about it. From his perspective he is very insecure coz he is not
settled
whereas I am. He is stuck in his CA. He asks for lot of emotional help from me
now.
He claims he talked to my mom coz there was no other channel to get across to
me.
But he has talked to my mom 3 times earlier. He claims i need to be
protected....but
I need a friend first not a DAD!!!

Pl guide.

September 8, 1999
9:23 am
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everblue
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September 24, 2010
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Hi Jonty,

I think what you need to do is not to choose between these men at all. I think you need to step back and take a little time just for yourself, while not seeing either of them. From what you've written, you would be making a huge mistake to marry the guy you've been with for the longest. That relationship moves entirely according to HIS speed and what HE wants; sex, marriage, and the time you spend together is all dependent on what HE wants. It has gone on that way long enough now that marriage will not change it, and it doesn't sound like you would be happy with that. You said your career is what gives you satisfaction - so DON'T GIVE THAT UP!!! For anybody! It is also what will save you if you ever end up on your own again after a marriage - like 50% of people who marry. The second guy sounds great - but 4 months is not long enough to be making a marriage decision. If you decide to date him, please give it at least a full year before you rush into anything. If he is really a good guy, he will agree to that. Yes, people DO change, and he might not be prince charming after a few more months. Especially because right now, he can't have what he wants as you are with someone else. As soon as he has you "all to himeself," you might see a big change in attitude. But PLEASE don't marry the first guy. He doesn't respect you, no matter how well off you would be, because he doesn't keep things private between the two of you and he doesn't respect your desires and opinions about the relationship. You can do better than that!!! Good luck.

September 8, 1999
12:26 pm
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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Ditch the first guy, he is disrespectful, controlling, manipulative and emotionally unavailabe
Open up and tell him the truth about your feelings, how you are numb to him because of his control and rjections. This sounds like trouble just waiting to happen, believe me I have been there.
Dedicate yourself to your career and open your heart to the four month relationship. He sounds grounded, loving and respectful of you.
Good luck

September 8, 1999
9:31 pm
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dagney
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September 24, 2010
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I agree with everblue and tears, YOUR GUY will make you unhappy in the long run. But i understand that it is hard to end something that was so long lasting and that you put so much into.
If you decide to leave him and he is not mature enough to be your friend, -- its his loss. There is no need to feel guilty ( even if he tries to make you feel that way) The relationship is not fair to either of you and he will have to understand that in his own time.

September 9, 1999
2:31 am
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jonty
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September 24, 2010
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thax..dagney, tears & everblue....for responding without judging me.
Believe me ive been going thru hell trying to let "MY GUY" know that i miss a lot in our relationship.
I like dagneys advise on not jumping into a relationship again...& i do feel that 4 mths is not enough.
The big issue remains...how do i break off..im just too scared of this guy, even though its on very rare occasions that we had physical fights. My fears are that "what if" i AM impulsive, flirtatious etc etc.
What if whatever im telling(oops writing to u) is terribly/ unfairly biased against him.

He is since 2/3 days on a mission to prove to my mom how he can make me do what he likes by controlling me thru love!! It only leads to further problems coz how do i respond when i am already talking to the other guy!!!

Besides, i dont know how am i going to know i'll be happy with any guy..esp how do i know i love him? Its all too confusing & emotionally taxing. I try not to think about it & let things happen.

I somehow feel incapable of handling a relationship..

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