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breaking up advice needed
October 3, 2006
10:48 am
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2alone
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I wrote last week about the control my current boyfriend weilds over me and I believe I've finally come to the point where I've decided that even though he has a lot of wonderful qualities I can't live with a man that wants to control everything I do (finances, sex, friends, work etc) So I need your help - how do I break up with him? He lives 8 hours from me - but we see eachother every other week. I love his children and my children love him. I don't want to hurt him or make this ugly. I wish I could change his need to control so I don't have to do this - but that's just unrealistic wishful thinking on my part.

I will admit I waffle back and forth because he would make a great step-dad and he promises me the world (no he hasn't delivered) and asks me all the time to marry him (and until recently I've said and meant yes) Sigh. Maybe one of you could just tell him I don't want to see him anymore....PLEASE?!

October 3, 2006
11:04 am
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caraway
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2alone,

It depends on how well you can handle the reaction that he will have. If you feel that he will say or do anything hurtful, then just call him and tell him and plan never to see him again.

If he will accept and move on then tell him in person, he may be angry that he drove eight hours to be dumped.

On a lighter note, you could do it on a post-it note like Carrie's boyfriend on Sex and the City. I think that it said, "I am sorry, I just can't"

Cary

October 3, 2006
11:47 am
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wazz
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I am sorry that I didn't read your previous thread - but if you gave him the control you say he has over you, is it not too late to take it back?

(Probably easier said than done, but just a thought...)

October 3, 2006
11:55 am
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nappy
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First of all this is just your boyfriend, this is not your husband. How can this person control your life. Are you taking care of your own children and yourself? Are you pulling this weight all by yourself. That is the mistake that some of us womens has let take control of us. We let these boyfriend take control of our lives. These same peoples that can come in and out of our lives. I don't mean to be mean but I just can't see how another person can control another person life. It is hard enough for each and everyone of us to control our own lives. I was just like you until one day I woke up to the fact that I realize that I take care of my own. This man is not doing anything that a husband is suppose to do and by reading some of these thread, some of these womens can tell you that just because you are married that they are doing right either. If you don't want to see him anymore then break up with him so that you can move on with your life. If he is that controlling then let him go and control someone else. Maybe that is why I am single right now because the minute that I see that this person is trying to tell me what to do, then he is gone. I already had a father and don't need one now since I am grown. I even had them to try and control me by hitting me and they found out that I hit back. I refuse to let any man do that to me since I was brought up in that type of household. I realize at a early age that I am not my mother. I understand now why she went through with what she went though because of her up bringing. Wives did what there husband told them to do, and she stayed for the children, but those days are gone and if he hit me, he get hit back, he can call me names all he want to, just as long as he don't put his hands on me. Just imaging waking up one day and it is 10 years later????????????

October 3, 2006
12:10 pm
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atalose
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2alone,

If he is controlling then you need to expect that he will try and control the ending of this relationship as well.
No matter how you tell him or what you express about your feelings in this relationship, it's not going to matter, he's going to focus on what he wants and how he wants it, and that's with NOT wanting the relationship to end.
If he lives 8 hours away and you only see him every other week, how can he be that controlling for you to want to end this relationship?
I noticed in your post you said he would make a great step dad and he promises you everything (but with no follow through) what I didn't hear you say was that you loved him.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 3, 2006
7:19 pm
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shyshy
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2alone: what was his reaction when he asked you to marry him and you said yes? And how did he ask you? was it just an out of the blue question or did he actually propose?

My ex bf is very controlling and he would ask me to marry him all the time but I realized after a while he was only "saying" it because he thought that would keep me in check. In other words, keep me thinking he really did care about me so I wouldn't go anywhere.

I have realized now that the only reason he spent as much time with me as he did was because he had no one else to control.

October 3, 2006
8:13 pm
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2angelsinmo
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I also need help leaving my husband. I am all alone and with no family so I think I have three options. A shelter, which I have to put a restraining order on him and I'm not for it, because that's alittle drastic for my situation. Get my own place but I'll need a two bedroom because I have a daughter and a son. I can't really afford it right now or stay in my home where I am currently and struggle with all the bills myself. I'm on the fence, any advice would be great. I too have a controlling husband who has angre issues and I don't know how to break up with anyone. I've never done it, let alone with a husband.

October 3, 2006
11:04 pm
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Lied2
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2Angelsinmo,
You said your husband has anger issues and if you went to a shelter you would have to get a restraining order?

Would you have to get a restraining order if you chose one of your other two options?

Does he have anger issues or is he a danger to you physically?

October 3, 2006
11:22 pm
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Devon
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2alone,

This is something you must do for yourself. We can't so this for you.

When I have been in your shoes (man had kids and all), I took a cooling off period and explained to the kids what I was doing and told them they could call me anytime they needed to. The first week or so, I got some calls, but after that, they were busy with school and their mom and I faded from their radar. I came for a day-visit a couple of times after that...in a public place...like a lake or a pool. I kept it upbeat and fun.

The most important thing I think I did was do this without making anyone wrong. No name calling. No ugly stuff. We parted as friends and we are still friends though it has been nearly 20 years...and the kids are all grown now.

I would frame it in terms of expressing mutual respect. You and he both need different things and it just isn't working out...and it is OK...the love can remain tucked away in your heart and you can let the memory enrich who you are forever.

D

October 4, 2006
8:54 am
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2alone
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Thanks for everyones advice. I took to heart the comments that no one can control you unless you let them. In this case I stand up for myself and I get punished by him withholding attention and time. In fact he's doing it again today. Last night he told me that I'm not parenting correctly and I disagreed with him and today there isn't the usual phone call and greeting. I will try once more this weekend to talk to him and see if he can modify his behavior - but I'm not expecting success.

As for the proposals - there have been so many - its usually every other day practically. I said something a month ago in an email that I really wanted a proposal that considered my feelings/needs not just a hey marry me. My my marriage proposal from my ex-husband was very bad and it should have warned me that he didn't care about my feelings it was all about him. This boyfriend saved the email and brings it up frequently when he's upset that he can't please me because he doesn't say it right. This completely misses the point in my opinion.

I love being loved and adored and I feel that frequently from him but I also feel controled and dictated to about everything. I know he won't hit me but I also know he'd berate me until I feel lower than dirt.

Why is doing what's best for yourself so hard - but taking care of others and their needs so much easier?

October 4, 2006
9:24 am
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StronginHim77
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Read the thread, "Let's Define Abuse [StrongInHim]."

I think it will help you alot.

- Ma Strong

October 4, 2006
9:36 am
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StronginHim77
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2alone -

You see the "red flags" very clearly, so all you have to do is end the relationship. You can do this with a telephone call, but I prefer a letter. Reason? Because controlling individuals will "twist" our words and intimidate us in the course of a simple conversation. When we put it in black & white, they can't twist our words. It will also give you an opportunity to express yourself without being interrupted, challenged or intimidated.

Remember, however, that you do NOT have to explain yourself. You do NOT have to justify your decision. No "blame" has to be attached. Just make it a simple statement that you have observed certain dynamics in the relationship which concern you and feel that they are irreconcilable. People don't change. There is nothing to "work out." You just aren't compatible.

Period. No failing on either part.

And then block your telephone and email, so that he cannot rage at you, attempt to wear you down or campaign for more details, so that he can argue you out of it, OK?

The need to control comes from fear and insecurity. It is not going to get better, unless he comes out of denial and gets into serious therapy for a LOOOOOOONG period of time. (We could be talking a couple of years.)

You see the problem. Now, protect yourself (and your children) and step away from him. Control IS abuse. And his talk about marriage is all about keeping you under his thumb by dangling "security bait." Get it? You seem like a very intelligent woman, so I am sure you see the Big Picture.

Don't play the Game. You don't need him. You just want the "illusion" of what he seems to be promising.

- Strong

October 4, 2006
9:46 am
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2alone
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Thank you!! I see the flags in my head and then he says "marry me" "I'll love and take care of you" "we'll be great together" "I'll give you the world." But in reality he'll also wear me down, tell me I don't do xy or z correctly. He will be condesending and patronizing... oh how I wish he could change! I know he will try to wear me down - and I'm vulnerable to that method - so the no contact will be best. I just need to do it - pull the band aid off fast and get it over with. This isn't going to go well no matter how tactful or caring I try to be. Please be prepared for my tears and requests for support next week...because I'll be here rationalizing and forgiving him and wanting to break no contact because maybe I was "wrong". Damn Co-dependency!

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