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Break up, hurt, lies, deceit....and a hole
March 4, 2006
10:02 pm
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Ms.Trust
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This is hard to condense...but I'll do my best... but I need some advice.

Until two weeks ago, I was dating a married man - something I wouldn't have done, but I knew him for over 20+ years (dated in high school...he married another sweetheart later). Saw each other at a reunion. He lived six hours away. We started a long distance romance.

He told his wife he was done, it had been rocky for some time, and moved into an apt. We talked nearly 3,000 minutes a month on the cell phone, emailed constantly...and saw each other about every other weekend, sometimes more if we met half-way to go camping or fishing. I had been to the apartment...I knew he lived alone. It was more convenient to come see me, however (more time together)...and he never minded he drive. We traveled overseas, up the seaboard, across country. We were very compatible in practically every way...and if not...was the type of flaws you could learn to accept in regards to the rest of the good stuff. He treated me very well...though was often jealous and overprotective, but figured it was because we were 6 hours apart...that would fix itself when we finally "merged" on his turf as his work keeps him on the coast.

His wife obviously didn't know about me...we decided it was too soon...and not necessary. I respected her...they just didn't work out, and I got lucky as the rebound to have him for my very own! I thought.

Game was up when his wife found some reciepts for jewelry...and some pictures of he and I....(huh...how did she get those?)l according to a mutual friend who called me immediately after being confronted.

My friend informed me that he had moved back into the house 4 months after moving out...he and the wife had been "dating" and going to counseling together while apart. **gulp**

He called the next a.m. to tell me that he was indeed a liar, a cheat and had been highly deceitful to both of us. he loved me deeply...he was very sorry...what did I want him to do?

I had enough info to tell him, "you ARE very sorry, you deserve ALL that you get, send me back my phone (family plan, yeah, right), and do not contact me again!

His wife called me...offered info. I listened and was shocked. Needless to say, we bonded as we had both been duped by a man we'd trusted. he told her that he'd tried to break it off with me a few times, and did so this weekend. I said - nope, he was very loving this weekend...and at my house. I sent her an email that implicated him in more ways than one...the lies, his "love" for me...how making love to me was always special...so passionate, etc. there were many more where that came from!

I did call back to ask a few questions, but he was still lying at the point to try to save face somewhere, and I gave up and said stick to the plan - no contact.

She threw him out of the house...is going to counseling...but only as a means to get all the facts straight in front of a moderator. He's gotten a new apt. and moves his stuff this weekend.

He sent me back my phone, key and a few other itmes, with a letter that was pretty unemotinal, very sorry...good/beautiful person who didn't deserve this, etc....he only signed his name.

His wife and I have provided great therapy to each other since we both told him goodbye...but there are questions she can't answer for me...and I wonder if I need to talk to him in order to provide closure. As much as he is a monster and what he did was terrible...and I'm not really sure who he is now - there is still a huge hole in my heart, mind and soul. I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man. He'd gotten a potential job offer (wife confirmed) 3,000 miles away...and had asked if would go with him. We were already looking at houses online! I have no idea if this was part of his game or what!

I don't know if he ever really loved me. Seemed that he was comparing/contrasting two very similar women and was confused...yet took the financially stable route at the time. I don't know if his tears were real or used to manipulate me.

As bad as he is...I still love him. I miss him. he was very good to me - yes, and very bad at the same time. I don't know if I really know him after all this time...(we were dating a year or so...and then knowing him previously). I know the truth could hurt me worse...I don't know if I should just live with what I know...and wonder, or wonder if I talk to him if he's going to feed me more lies or try to smooth it over to not hurt me so much. I'm so confused and I hate missing him after what he has done.

I'm in mourning...the grief process has started. I have questions. It would be nice to know that he even loved me for a short time so that I knew that all I gave him was for nothing.

I hope someone can lend some advice. I'm very torn...and very depressed at the moment. I have few friends to turn to. Most never knew him, so thought I was making a mistake from the get go seeing a married/yet "separated" man. granted, I will never do that again - and will require seeing the divorce papers! However, the fact remains...I'm miserable regardless.

Help!

March 4, 2006
10:14 pm
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terbear
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I can understand why you feel very hurt and betrayed..This is a classic example of codependency..somethings you will never get answer to..and if you did they would be all lies..your relationship with this man was based on lies and deceit..Love doesnt hurt.. Dont beat yourself up or waste precious energy on a man who is not emotionally ready to give it in return..Learn from your mistakes and love yourself enough to say..I'm moving on..Keep strong, let yourself mourn for the betrayal..But I wouldnt have anything to do with him or his wife..Dont let yourself be burned twice.

March 4, 2006
10:26 pm
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Ms.Trust
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Thank you for your quick response.

I see your point that he's not worth it...and to be strong, move on. I just need to reiterate...I don't want him back - whether he answers the questions or not. I just want closure...but I hear you...I deserve better.

Is every relationship "codependent"? when you love someone? Just curious.

March 4, 2006
10:34 pm
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terbear
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Are you sure a part of you dont want him back? just wondering..speaking from my experience..I would say I dont want him back until he came around and I would be sucked in again..Every relationship has some dependency..But you want interdependency, meaning you both lean on each other for support..Codependency is a one-sided street.

March 4, 2006
11:01 pm
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my fault
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Ms.Trust
You say you want closure but I feel you want more facts on what he was doing to you and her.

You may feel you need to understand what happened to your relationship with him but would you really believe him?

He is a lier who used both you and his wife. Say goodbye to the man he is neither good for you or his wife.

He may have been good to you but he was only keeping up the charade.

You deserve better, don't waste your thoughts on this man, he doesn't deserve your attention.

You invested enough wasted time on him. If you do need closure to that relationship begin with seeing who he really is and not what you thought he was. Please take care....

March 4, 2006
11:18 pm
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Ms.Trust
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I'd first say that we we leaned on each other. Or as I found out...he leaned on two of us as it seems it took two of us to make him happy.

The rest, as I'm finding out, is an interesting rollercoaster.

For what it was, it appeared we were communicating our wants, needs and desires in a variety of fashions to a healthy level, in and around both of our careers...mine the more hectic...as I also have a business on the side. Do I miss our conversations and our time together - yes. After two weeks am I a faucet who can turn off and on feelings at will...no. Do I have feelings I'm learning to change and adapt from...yes, do I want him back, no. Will I get over him, yes. Do I want to do so as quickly as possible...yes. Do I know how to do that, no. Who can tell me how long my heart will be broken? But because I have a broken heart, broken trust...I am codependent? I guess I need to do some more research on that.

I appreciate any insights you might have to help me on my way!

March 4, 2006
11:24 pm
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Ms.Trust
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Thanks, My Fault, I see your point...the charade is the key and he would likely keep lying to me...and it would end up being a vicious cycle I could never get out of.

Wow...this is going to be hard.

I know his wife has him going with her to their previous marriage counselor so she can ask questions when someone else is there. I just wondered what I might do too..but I guess I'll leave it alone....and lick my wounds in peace.

His wife said she needed a break from all of it this weekend. She is overwhelmed. I feel for her - she had so much more to lose than I did...yet I do believe what I told her -that all things are for a reason...and we found out for a reason. I can only hope things get beter for both of us from here forward.

I need to treat it as a real death...that he is gone...not able to come back for answers...that's the hard part!

Thanks again. I appreciate it. This too shall pass!

March 6, 2006
11:26 am
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Many of us who have had a broken heart would like to just get on with it and move on quickly. Grief can be a painfully slow process, and everyone does it in their own way. I've noticed when my heart has been broken, it takes a long time for my heart and head to be in the same place to set boundaries and I would keep trying things to help process it further and then let myself just be for awhile.

In your situation, it sounds like there are many things to be angry, sad and happy about all at the same time, which makes it a bit of a roller coaster. Allow all of the feelings until they burn out or become more manageable. One of the things I did or realized is that I needed to develop a support network that was reciprocal. I spent much time with people that I had lent a shoulder or provided support to that - wham just couldn't do it. While I liked these people, I learned that I don't have as much energy to spend on them and in order for me to survive I couldn't afford to be depleted during that time. I knew I couldn't lean on them and life is too short to spend on people that benefit more out of you than you do out of them.

Find some way to channel the anger, and express it, express the hell out of it - many people don't recuperate from devastation because they don't allow the anger out. And then decide what you will do next to make your life the way you want it, without him.

March 6, 2006
2:47 pm
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taj64
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Dear Ms. Trust, I understand your situation complete. I was in very similar situation. I too bonded with the wife only in her mind she thought I would go away and I didn't. We kept on seeing each other and him telling me things I wanted to her and him going home to her to tell her things she wanted to hear. She knows yet they are still together and we broke up (me broke up) about 6 months ago. I was devastated. Ultimately they are still together and Im still broken but know I will heal and I don't want to mess up my life every this way again or to get involve with this type of man or this man at all. I still love him, same feelings you have but it would never work because he lies and will always lie. I cannot tell you that I could not stand the comparison and he did this with both of us. I was very hurtful to be compared. He says he still loves but but needs to stay committed due to kids/financial and still "something" there. I know your pain unfortuantely it will take a lot of time to go away and that is my only advice is to let it heal and never to be in contact with him or her again. Hopefully you will heal in time and have something a lot better than this trio. It only brings heartache. I can honestly say I learned the hardest lesson of my life and one that will not be repeated. But i have to carry it with me until I forget him. I would like nothing more than to forget but that will take time. Im sorry you ahve to go through this. It is hard to see others go through it.

March 6, 2006
8:47 pm
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Ms.Trust
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wow...facing the music. I hear all of you...where to start. I'm going to try to answer/refer to many points from all of the above...

I love him. I miss him. We DID have something special, I believe that.

I believe he got into a situation he didn't know how to handle, and he lied. I'm not making excuses for him, I knew this man, and I didn't know him to lie. I've never trusted any man as I have him. Thus the irony.

If we look at the "symptoms" of codependency with my notes...I'm looking for help here! :

controlling behavior (perhaps him in regards to his control of the situation - his two lives??)

distrust - he could be jealous and overprotective...but it was nice after not ever having this before - past men have never been jealous.

perfectionism:

avoidance of feelings - apparently he didn't reveal all, but the two of us had very open and candid talks about feelings that were very natural, never forced.

intimacy problems (not at all - and I don't think it was a result of me just being the mistress...we were very intimate on many levels.

caretaking behavior Hmmm...define this for me? I have had fibromyalgia for almost 30 years, but went ot pain management and was under control until a Worker's comp issue aggravated my neck and face in the past 5 months (possible Trigeminal nueralgia as well)....migraines mostly caused by barometric pressure. He had 21 years in military...he can handle anything. And he did, he took great care of me when I could not...cleaned my house, cooked for me...but I did the same for him just because - so it didn't feel like a caretaker issue, but compassion. It appeared to be very give and take, But, I could be wrong!

hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)- I suppose there was always the threat of being caught before their "divorce" was final. Jokes on me on that one. Because he lied about moving back in, I didn't think there was a big issue since was "on his own in an apt.".

physical illness related to stress - refer to the "caretaker" point. He had issues with a sore back that bothers him since he had surgery a few years ago...otherwise, neither of us was sick. I'm sure now that he was internalizing stress trying to maintain his cover stories.

So...there is what I think I know. Someone find the holes...call my bluff...let me see reality, or support me!

I've had my share of anger over this. Everything reminds me of him and every time "he" pops into my head, I say, "asshole" or "Bastard". I have placed all things - photos, cards, various trinkets, into a box - those that I have not sent to his wife for her use in the divorce/settlement....and they were painful for her to read as they were to give up. She said "he was very poetic and loving." of pictures she said, "he looked happy." I took that as some validation that he was indeed happy...but maybe because he had two of us. The lying, cheating bastard. I also listen to loud, angry music at this point...to avoid mushy love songs.

My last day at my current employer is Wednesday. I start a new job on the executive level in a completely new field March 13th. I can be controlling at work...perfectionist, but my field is built on that. I'm not passive agressive, but I am more laid back in my personal life. I don't like drama...just look for balance and "be."

His wife relays that he is going to counseling...something she can verify as it's in her same group. I think the question we both have is after he has been through the ringer, been at the lowest low and built himself back up...can we forgive him, can we trust him if he wanted to come back (to either of us?). We both wonder. This was a very upstanding, good, down to earth, all-American..did he just go haywire during a mid-life crisis?

So does a part of me want him back - yes. Does he? I don't know, I have not asked. I told him do not contact me and he knows the boundaries. He did not say "do not contact me - it's over." I realize it could be a one-way street, it could be viewed as "codependent." words that haunt me were "but I knew you would never forgive me" - if he knew I would...how would have he have chosen? Or is it just wishful thinking on my part?

I have one extremely supportive friend that emails every day and we talk when we can. I have a friend from high school that knows "him" well and at times is helpful...but has six kids...so she's a bit out of pocket most of the time. My good male friend doesn't want to be bothered with this sort of thing.

I'm trying hard not to beat myself up. It is not my fault. He chose this path. We had discussions early in our relationship about his not being sure what to do. I suggested he take time, we cut down on contact...cut ties altogether - I did not want someone else's man if he was committed to her - he said that he loved me...and I was the one that made him happy. I can't say that was a lie. I believe him...and I feel he was sincere. but he loved two women...but I don't think he knew how/why or whatever.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him. I believe his feelings were genuine...I just think he had two tracts going on and didn't know which to chose.

The wife's sister, told the wife, after seeing some of the "evidence" I sent, "maybe he wasn't trying to get rid of her (me), maybe he was trying to get rid of you....he knew your biggest no-no was adultery...and he did that...time and time again...he was careless with pictures and receipts - maybe he wanted to get caught..." this was also a person who knew him very well...and remember, I went to school with all of these folks...so we have a history as well to play on.

So...please, I'm not trying to be defensive...I am trying to analyze this from both sides...from the angles that you are putting forth. I appreciate and desire your input. Just writing it all out is a big help...

thanks, in advance.

March 7, 2006
10:52 am
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taj64
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Once he got caught, then he no longer wants you. He is going to therapy now so that he can help himself which in turn is going to see that he belongs at home with his wife. The wife is hoping this. Everything you say here is reminiscent of my situation. The fact that he seemed happier when with me, that we had emotional bond, etc. but the fact remains that he also has bond with her and because of the ties and history with her, he will end up working it out with her. What you are doing now is tryign to rationalize everything. It is good that you are moving on. It is very important to put your needs ahead of this situation. The minute he was found out was the minute it was over for you and this man. He is not going to be available to you now. I can relate to every word you say and everything including the loving two women part. I know every situation is different but where is he now? He is not with you and that was his choice. I hate to be harsh but this is the reality of it and accepting it will really speed up your process. He will end up going back to her because she wants it and he wants it too.

March 7, 2006
6:56 pm
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Thanks...a good dose of reality is what I need right now...understanding that this was three men in one...who he is, the man he was with me, and the one he was with her. It's an emotional fantasy...though real because I loved the man I knew. I will grieve and I will get better.

The wife and he signed property settlement today and he did not object. She is not going to take him back and I believe her. We talked more today and I found out some other nuggets that helped me put it in better perspective....and that is just to move on and chalk it up to experience.

She has talked to him in counseling and he can not give her satisfactory answers, the truth or anything much but "I don't know why." At least that part is the truth!

We both agree that he had a master plan before we even started seeing each other romantically....and it was sick and twisted from the get-go. He is a monster...and I don't want to be associated with that. And I won't. Just have to heal from what was good and how well he loved me with what he had when we had it. But he's all but dead...and I need to continue that notion to heal.

I did learn some things about myself in the relationship...I did overcome some issues I'd had in the past. I got burned, but I got better.

This was a learning experience...there was growth. I'm going to accept this as a means of making myself better for THE ONE that matters...whenever I find him...or he finds me.

Thanks for your input.

March 8, 2006
11:36 am
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taj64
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I think you are missing the point. you also have to grief the horrible things he did to you, the lies, the betrayal. You cannot simply remember the good. He didn't love you as good as he could have. this is not love at all. He deceived you. I think you are in denial of your own feelings. If you don't think about what this man did to you, and romanticize him and put him on higher ground than he deserves, you may end up falling for someone similar. I agree you are going to get better but don't deny your feelings and all of them. You should be plenty angry right now. And if you really want to heal faster, keeping in touch with the wife is going to keep you drawn in the situation. It is not going to help you. The more you know, the more you will get hurt. He already has hurt you too much as it is. Why keep allowing contact?

March 8, 2006
10:27 pm
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I think "you cannot simply remember the good" stands out here - I don't feel I've indicated I'm wallowing in all that was good - I've plenty well expressed he was a monster...that I'm angry at the lies and deceit. He is not worthy of me, I do deserve much better - We DID have some good times, he couldn't fake everything.

I think I've indicated a host of feelings - I don't feel I've denied anything - at least not long - it comes in rounds, and waves. The waves are just becoming ripples...I figure a nice calm lake is in sight - but yes, I need time to grieve...and run the gamut - get it out of my system.

Actually, a great deal of my healing has come from this bond with his wife - I know her personally - she's not just someone's wife - we went to the same church together, her sister was my best friend at one point. There is a bond beyond the man. So in these talks - we give each other support, we do discuss the travesty, the lies, the deceit. We know he's a monster. I get to learn through her that he can not even answer her questions - and that I don't even need to waste my time asking mine...I believe I've already learned that answer.

I realize the man was not capable of love. I realize that at times my ego does not want to accept that because of what I had put into the relationship I thought we had. I have owned up to "emotional fantasies." I know they are not real - I grieve them anyway so I can let them go. I believe I am greiving a host of things, feelings, emotions, moments, memories after less than 21 days from the break-up point. We did some incredible things together - there was some good - he couldn't fake everything, but he did fake the commitment, he did trample the trust, he did lie - and many other things.

If it takes 21 days to break a habit...then I guess I'm well on my way...

The more I hear...the more lies unveiled, the more my range of emotions are unveiled...and dealt with - one or a gazillion at a time.
The more I see the truth - that it was a game for this man to play us both like a fiddle.

Contact with him? I've not had any contact with him from the day we broke up. Do you mean contact with his wife?

The wife and I both know that we will come to a point when we are both ready to move on. We've discussed this - and at some point - we will move on and limit or cut contact completely. We still have mutual friends - my best friend. We are bound to run into each other's circles...my mom runs into hers at the grocery store. But at least we'll know where we stand - and I think we'll both end up okay...sooner than later.

I have faith in myself - I know this is just a blip on the screen. I know I have already learned from it and about myself.

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