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Break Up Conondrums
November 3, 2006
10:56 am
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flyingswan
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Here's the abriviated version:
In October of this year, my ex decided we should take a break. He didn't like where I was (I wasn't mature enough, didn't go out enough), he liked other people (gal pal), and just wasn't sure he wanted to be with me. Reasonable and logical as we are young. But it still hurt. I was happy where we were, so self-doubt plagued me. But I told him to go out for a month and if he wanted to come back, he could.

In a week he wanted to come back. I was so happy, until he said we should wait it out. He still wasn't sure. Then the next week he said we should start open dating. Me and this other girl he kind of liked. I agreed to it for a day, then dumped him over the phone because he was out of state (at that girl's house).

Two weeks later he said he missed and wanted to be with me. I tried to forgive him. I tried to take it slow. But weird things popped up. Sometimes I'd have an empty feeling after talking to him. I'd cry over little things he said and got super pissed when he started having doubts about wanting to be with me. I told him I wanted someone who was there for me and that he wouldn't talk to me for five minutes then spend hours with his friends. He said he'd agree, but I felt like an utter witch for demanding these things. I felt horrible whenever he talked about the fun he had with this girl he tried to date. He said nothing happened, but he has a history of running to his ex's when we have problems. I sort of expected him to run to this girl now. Not to mention that there may be another gal pal that has feelings for him. I wanted to control him, I wanted to hurt him... but I love him. And I realized that I couldn't be there for him. I needed him and he left. Now that I've gotten to be a bit independent I feel stupid trying to help him when he doesn't want to be helped. He cries poor me, I hate myself. When I tell him why he's so great he just brushes it off. He's not ready to love himself, so how can he love me? I feel horrible for leaving him in this spot, but I can't carry him and me. They say true love would wait and sacrafice, but I can't. I can barely handle my own life, I don't want to be his mother. I don't want him to cry on my shoulder, then get left when I want to cry.

And in the couple of weeks I was single, I learned to like me for me. I began to forget about him. And I feel horrible for saying I love him, when I could forget about him in such a short time.

I feel horrible that I couldn't forgive him. I feel horrible I couldn't trust him to say he wanted to be with me now and not because of the future and past. I felt like I was holding him back and that he was holding me back.

But with him I felt we were trapping eachother. He wanted to be with his friends and I wanted him to be with me. He said he felt guilty when he spent less time with his friends and I feel selfish for limiting his time with them. But I have needs too. I'm sure there's some guy out there that won't make it a big sacrafice to be with me over friends. I don't want to be his life, but I want to be important. And if that's a pipe dream, then I'll be single.

So now I'm single. It was a mutual thing, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't happy with it. Neither am I.

I'd really like an outsider's perspective. Have I made a terrible mistake? Am I horrible to feel so clingy and needy around him and try to control him? Is this from the situation or is this just a problem I have? How can I avoid being jealous and evil?

November 3, 2006
3:27 pm
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flyingswan ~ ~ ~

- I hope this board and the people here can be your "soft place to fall" -

sometimes holding eachother back comprises the "core" of our relationships, especially those relationships that are somehow driven or motivated to - however subconsciously - bring out the "worst" in eachother.

As if some kind of mutually felt, hidden and contracted "need" or "motive" has to be played out (and nothing short of (except) settling for the role of bystander in our own lives remains).

It´s far better to "die" to the ´wrong´ (= "not working") relationship, than forsaking (or refusing) to be born to and live for the ´right´ one (in due time).

That type of relationship will be one where you start to notice - that what used to be discounted as a "sacrifice" now is defined as a mutual "gift", bringing added value - completion - into this "union" of two separate individuals.

And then there are those people - who anticipate on ... and mooch off (?) - acting like parasites - of someone´s fear of abandonment or "neediness" (giving them "carte blanche" to relate only on "their" terms ... or ... to come and go as they please ...).

what´s LOVE gotta do with it? (song by Tina Turner)

"it", you say ...????

HURT
CONTROL
SACRIFICING

uhmmmm .... please explain or clarify !

aren´t you more interested in what gets you flying (I am ...) ?

November 4, 2006
6:25 pm
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Loralei
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flyingswan,

You said "But I have needs too. I'm sure there's some guy out there that won't make it a big sacrafice to be with me over friends. I don't want to be his life, but I want to be important."

I had that exact type of relationship with my last boyfriend. To know that his friends, mere acqaintances, and his social life (not to mention his family and relatives) were all more important to him than I was, I really began wondering where I actually stood with him. I was certainly not on his priority list even though he was my top priority. It brought me nothing but pain and misery.

I don't know why I put up with him as long as I did. I was always there whenever he needed me for anything. But when I needed him, he couldn't be bothered. He was always so concerned about everyone else but me. I deserved better than that. You deserve better than that.

You said "He wanted to be with his friends and I wanted him to be with me. He said he felt guilty when he spent less time with his friends and I feel selfish for limiting his time with them. But I have needs too."

Why did he feel guilty about spending less time with his friends but didn't feel guilty for spending less time with you? It plainly says that his friends meant more to him than you did. I was in the same boat as you. Taken for granted and not appreciated.

You weren't being clingy or needy and you certainly weren't jealous or evil. You were dating a selfish, self-absorbed guy who couldn't appreciate a good thing while he had it. Ending that dysfunctional relationship was the smartest thing you could do. Nothing would ever change. Staying in it would only make you feel left out and standing on the sidelines. You deserve someone who wants to be in your presence.

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