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Break-up blues
December 13, 2001
3:52 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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I write this after breaking up out of a relationship gone bad. I was with this woman who I'll call Kimberly for 2 1/2 years. But toward the end things got real rough. Whenever I took her out, she just started complaining. One day I tried to hold her & she slapped me in my face, the heiffer even went as far as to disrespect me in front of my family. My family hated her 4 that & every1 kept advising me 2 leave. But silly me, i was a fool in love & i stayed. She would constantly act meanly toward me, so I started trying harder to fix the relationship. But her, she still wanted to act like the bitch she was to me. Now, she is calling me & writing saying she still wants to be friends. But I am still hurt badly & i have absolutely no love for the fat heiffer. Heck if she dropped dead tomorrow I couldn't care less, I'd probably throw a party to celebrate & dance on her grave! I really hate her. How first of all do I lose this hate? How do I go about healing myself (how long is it gonna hurt this bad?) It's been a year today since we broke up. I sometimes get so depressed that i just can't cope. Last night, I felt the depression set in & I went out drinking with my friends & got toasted. For once, I felt my mind was clear. But the pain took me completely by surprise when I woke up this morning. I'm thinking I'll just go and drink with them again tonight, and the subsequent night until I get over this. What I really can't get over is how does a woman leave a man like me who treated her sooooooooo good, I brought her a ring & showered her w/ gifts, I called her, I took her out wined & dined her, I was there for her emotionally when she went through rough times, I protected her, and she stillwent and hurt me. I wrote her a real nasty letter last year, telling her what a scandalous little bitch she is & how she used me & she was stupid for what she did. She played w/ my heart 4 many years & I hate her. so why now is she talking about let's be friends? hell no! i'll never be friends with her. I don't ever want to speak to her again. She had no right to break my heart. My biggest fear is that if she gets too close to me, I may have flashbacks of the abuse (she is a very strong woman, she's a body builder) and I may end up slapping the hell outta her.

December 13, 2001
4:01 pm
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stressed1
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You definitly need to let this go. It is very unhealthy to still be angry about this after a year. Let this person know that you don't want to be friends the next time she makes that suggestion. Move on. Have you started dating again?? That would be a good thing to do. Make some good female friends that will keep your mind of your ex. And keep you from drinking all the time with the guys.

I wish you luck. I know it is not easy, but you need to get on with your life.

December 13, 2001
4:01 pm
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harmonygirl
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Mr A, get thee to counseling pronto!! I'm not one to give relationship advice as I'm in a mess myself at the moment. One thing I have learned from my boyfriend is that anger can stay with you for a lifetime. He too was in a bad relationship (don't know the details) and he has carried the pain and anger for years. It's kept him from emotionally committing to anyone, even his son and grandson. His first grandchild was born in September and he hasn't seen the child yet.
I wouldn't advise being friends with this woman. Realizing that you need help is the first step. Seriously make an appointment to start counseling. You sound like too good of a guy to harbor so much bitterness.

December 13, 2001
7:14 pm
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Molly
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drinking will only give you a hang over, and bury the stuff further, your going to have to deal with it sooner or later. talk to someone. It really does help.

December 13, 2001
8:52 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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I thank every1 4 their replies but I feel as though counseling has done me no good. I am a college student & have been thru counseling 4 this 2 times b4. But, the counselors here are real ineffective & very incompotent. Now, I am at the point where my life feels beyond repair. What's left to do now? I have even talked 2 my brother about this b/c he went thru his break-up @ the same time I did & we were both devastated but he is more resilient than I, he just bounces right back up. Me, I usually do, but this time, I feel stuck. What other options are left now? Counseling failed, talking about it helps some, but not much. What now?

December 13, 2001
9:44 pm
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gingerleigh
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You said that you went through counseling in school? Sometimes college counselors aren't particularly effective, due to the nature of the environment... quality is sacrificed. Not all counselors suck. 🙂 If you can scrounge up the money, you might want to seek a private practice. I myself went to counselors in college and I hated them so much I started staying what they wanted to hear just so that I could stop the program. Years later when the problems didn't go away (surprise!) and got progressively worse (surprise again!) I sought out therapy on my own, and that actually has helped.

On the flip side, if you can't afford it, here's a thought pattern to start on and think through. You hate her, right? You think she is scum, yah? She isn't even worth your time, right? When you are angry, you are spending time on her, so just let it go. Ignore it. Don't talk to her. Don't write her letters, go engross yourself in other things. Whenever you think about her, say "STOPPIT" in your head, then say it backwards outloud, clap your hands and spin around 3 times or something. Or punch a pillow. Just something that's physical and takes your mind off it immediately.

People keep saying that happiness is the best revenge... it IS.

Find a goal outside of women that you will feel really good about. Get that 4.0 this semester. Take a class in stand-up comedy and give a performance at the local open mike night. Plan a road trip to wherever with your best friends... you get the idea...

December 17, 2001
8:38 pm
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C-Bear
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Mr. A:

I hear ya! I really do. Its ashame when someone like her doesn't have the brains enough to recognize a good man. So remind me again, why do you still care about a piece of sh**. Hell, I wouldn't give her the time of day. Next time she says let's be friends put your foot down & tell her NO! And tell her why. She hurt you and the fact will always remain, and let her know get the hell outta your life! You don't need her around u. Hope all goes well.

December 17, 2001
9:51 pm
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gypsygirl
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she might even call you martha s. HAHAHA

December 17, 2001
11:11 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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Thanks . . . (smile) that did help. And believe me it took my mind off of her. Now, I am just seeking 2 move on. There is this wonderful girl who does seem interested in me. I know that we can get to know each other better & become good friends. My only problem now is opening myself up to her. I really feel like i can't do it right now. Not because I don't have it ( I know I look good LOL!), but just because I still feel the pain of what's been done. A human heart is a fragile thing & she took it & she played. But, what's done is done & I must move on. I only drank with them that 1st night & I didn't do it again. I don't know, I just didn't find anything consoling about a hangover and then having to deal w/ the problem & the hangover simultaneously. I don't know, it'll all work out I'm sure, I just gotta be patient w/ myself & move toward healing @ my own pace.

December 19, 2001
2:29 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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hey all,

I feel as though I am wrong 4 what I did 2day. I sent a Christmas card to her family & I wrote everyone's name on it except hers. I really hate her w/ a passion & I feel the need to let her know it. I know it's wrong but at the time, it feels as though I am releasing some built up anger by doing this.

December 19, 2001
2:51 pm
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lyn
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ok...let's think about this... first of all you are in college..I too once had a college relationship being that i am 23 it was not that long ago...about 3 yrs ago to be exact, so i feel your pain. But you should be having fun not wasting your energy on hating someone. If you despise her that much then it should be easy to let go...obviously you miss her or you would have gotten over this a long time ago..Perhaps you are not being honest with yourself is it hate that you feel or is that just a cover....do you still love her maybe? It's not a bad thing just a difficult thing to deal with, once your start being honest with yourself the healing can begin...

December 19, 2001
3:48 pm
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artist 2
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Lyn, I'm glad you're here. I think you're really wise and smart.

December 19, 2001
4:13 pm
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lyn
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thanks artist2 but i'm only as wise as my peers and you guys are a pretty gifted bunch...

December 19, 2001
4:59 pm
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mari
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Mr.A, Don't go out drinking anymore. It may seem to help at the time, but as I'm sure you know, alcohol is a depressant and will only make you feel worse in the long run. Also, when you drink, your defenses are down. You may start thinking about her when you're drunk and do something stupid like call her up after you get home from the bars. (This is something I have done to my ex-boyfriend) I usually felt pretty stupid in the morning when I woke up. As far as the hate thing goes, it does take time but it gradually goes away. I find it helpful to go out with friends, see a movie or rent one. I work on my house, anything to keep busy. If I just lie around on the couch, I start to think about him and get pissed all over again. What you have to remember is, it's HER loss. You treated her well and she was a bi*** to you. She's the one with the problem. As far as "being friends", I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole. I tried that one too, (I was the one who instigated it), and it really sucked. Just made me feel horrible whenever I saw him or we spent time together. Some people just don't get it, Mr.A. They could be in a relationship with someome who treats them like a king/queen and they still sh** on their partner. They are just plain blind. As far as your ex contacting you to be friends, could be a case of "don't know what you got 'til it's gone". Could be that she just wants you there for back-up. She could be sincere. At any rate, as I said before, I don't think it's a good idea. Keep busy, go out with friends, (not drinking), vent here. There's a lot of wisdom on these here threads!

December 19, 2001
5:19 pm
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Ladeska
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Hm,m,m.....it seems to me...and I could be totally out in left field here, but just reading your postings here, something seems to stick out and is - have you ever thought about - maybe what you hate in her is what you hate in yourself? I mean you did take her abuse. You spoiled her obviously and she didn't just all of a sudden turn into a bitch, right? Like one day she wasn't and the next day she was? And now you all of a sudden have all this hatred for her?? Aren't you a little angry at yourself for not looking at the blaring roadsigns when you saw them right in your face? I dunno..something smells here. I don't think counseling did you any good because you probably outfoxed all of them and wouldn't be completely straight up.

It's just weird to read all of this and if you sounded like you were working with half a brain - I'd say well.....the poor bloke just didn't see it comin'...but, you did and you still danced. You also talked about how you did all these things for her, bought her this and that. You can't buy her love or anyone else's and you can't expect to do the performance thing either and automatically - get treated well. She played you - because you allowed it. And if you allowed it, which you did, then you possess some of the same qualities that you hate in her....

Thus....might lie the real reason why you are drinking to forget. It always takes two to tango. She had no right to break your heart? Yo-yo..you had no right to let her. And you hung on for how long here? Expecting what? that the demon child was suddenly going to sprout wings and a halo? Nope, not fair, not fair to her either. You should have dropped her butt a long time ago and really went after what you "appear" to want... But, my question to you is - do you really want what's good for you? OR do you think you deserve this kind of treatment, go find a woman who will give it to you and then turn around and call her the bitch and dream about her funeral?

Sometimes, we accuse others of playing with our lives, when in all reality - we do alot of "playing" ourselves. Are you worth a good relationship? Don't answer to me, answer it to yourself. And one that isn't built on what you buy her, how macho you act, how you try and be the pleasing dude. But, are you just worth it as a person, just as you are, as you are?

December 20, 2001
1:04 pm
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pg lova
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Mr. A,

What I think on all this is tha you must first love yourself. Afterall, how can you expect anyone to love you when you don't love yourself. Perhaps you've got some built up issues. Maybe it's that someone from a distant past hurt you. Now, you are finding people with many similar characteristics in an attempt to try and recreate that person. STOP! It just can't happen. Nothing you can do can change your past but the future is always full of hope. Just something to think about. And I do sympathize. Afterall, she treated you wrong & you were good to her, that wasn't right. But, you allowed it to go on for so long, so what does that say about you? Do you really deserve abuse? Didn't think so, move on & forget about her, she's bad news.

December 20, 2001
8:16 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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Hey,

Everybody is right, especially Ladeska. The only thing I don't get now, is how someone can front for that long. For 1 year in the relationship, she was this angel & for the last part of the relationship, she turned into this witch that I couldn't understand. So I tried harder to get things back the way they had been for the 1st year. But eventually I found that it was no use. She hurt me but now, it's time to move on. I'm not looking back now. At this point in my life, I have some choices to make & I plan to choose wisely.

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