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boyfriend with sexual addiction....and me a codependent
April 3, 2004
12:01 pm
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orchid
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Hi sam...hope you are having a good weekend so far. I went out last night with some girls to a club...wow did i ever realize that i'm not into clubs anymore!! I think i'm going to have to become a hermit, honestly, the whole dating scene does not interest me!
I found out today that the ex is definitely pursuing his other ex again....makes me SICK. What kind of games does he think he's playing??? And she's letting him get away with it and is going back to him from what i hear!!!! Check out the thread "should i email him?" if you get a chance, I'd like your opinion on that. I am just SO mad that he has the nerve to go back after her, and that she is so weak that she will take him. Honestly makes me want to puke. And stupidly i still have my own feelings for him!!!!!!!!!!! I am praying every night that these feelings will go away. I wonder how long it will take before i can escape this hell, and not give a crap what he does or with who.
I'm afraid i'm getting very cynical and will be afraid of any relationship again. Which maybe will heal my codependent side!! IF there's no one to be codependent with, it might go away 🙂 But on the other hand it's very sad because if that is true my future looks kind of bleak without children or a husband to love me.
Oh well, time to put on a happy face and head to work. Take it easy...

April 4, 2004
5:20 pm
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orchid
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Hey Sam thanks for the advice on the email thing.....i have not done it!!!!!! I'm off to vegas in about half an hour and will be gone all week....don't worry, i haven't forgotten about everyone, i will write when i get home!! Have a great week and keep your chin up girl 🙂

April 6, 2004
12:22 am
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Sam7
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Hey Orchid,

Hope you have a blast, and if you do check in, keep the will-power going not to call that guy. Talk to you when you get back!

April 6, 2004
4:54 pm
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CAMER
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(((ORCHID))) omg, i have been thru the same exact senerio...My boyfriend was with this girl, and I found out, and he promised me he wouldn't go back to her, and we (the other) girl were both being played by this man....We set up a time and we both saw him, so us 3 were in a
huge fighting match about me seeing him 2 nites prior and him lying to this girl....What happened was we both ended up exchanging phone #'s and stories, and we both ended up dumping him about a month later...We could not trust him....I do wish you the best, and trust me, there are plenty of better men out there than what you have.

April 10, 2004
7:25 pm
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orchid
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Hey Sam...I'm back!!! (but not really happy about it because vegas was a hell of a lot warmer than it is here!) Had a pretty good time, but I just wasn't in the mood for all the crowds so i spent most of my time by the pool or just hanging out in our suite watching tv. It sucks that I'm so not motivated to do anything....that world full of men and I didn't even care to go out. But i guess that's a good thing that i'm not trying to latch onto someone else to make me feel better. In fact right now I can't even imagine being with anyone else. And the willpower is still going....though i am mad at myself for being upset when i got home and checked my email and he hadn't emailed me. Even though I didn't expect him to, I guess I kind of did. 🙁 It's such a big blow to the self-esteem to be rejected, even though i konw the problem is his, not mine. Gotta keep telling myself that!
How have you been doing? Things going smoothly? Any contact with boy#1??

April 10, 2004
7:55 pm
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orchid
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CAMER...thanks for joining in 🙂 Yes, it sounds like our stories are very similar...difference here being that this other girl has already gone running back to him from what i've heard. I can't believe it!! she was talking sooo tough the night that i showed up at his place, saying that we both deserved better blah blah blah. Well within the week she was back out with him. Makes me mad, because the bastard still thinks he can get away with it because she played right back into his game. I just wish he would have to be alone for awhile so he could see what it's like. i'm sooo mad at her for giving in, he'll never learn now. I have all sorts of emails where he tells me how much he hates her etc. and i'm tempted to email them to her, so she knows how he really is...but i guess a part of me is still loyal to him and i don't want to do it. Besides, at this point it will just make me look bitter and like i'm trying to break them up. *sigh* I can't win!!

April 10, 2004
9:57 pm
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Anonymous
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Orchid,
I just wanted to say that you should be really proud of yourself. I know it can be really hard to stay away. You're doing great! Don't worry about what he's doing with this other girl. He'll get what's coming to him one way or another. There's no need to get any type of revenge on people like him, b/c their own destructive thoughts and actions will always catch up with them.

April 13, 2004
11:16 am
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Sam7
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Hi orchid,

Just on my way out the door...it's been a little bit hectic for me lately. Good to see you held up and didn't contact that jerk. For me, take a look at b-day rant. Talk to you later!

April 13, 2004
1:14 pm
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jimbob
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hi im jimbob

April 13, 2004
6:32 pm
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orchid
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Foggy...thanks for the encouragement...it's tough not to email him but I guess it will get easier as the days go by. Trying to keep myself busy and focused on my own goals is helping me. I plan to buy a condo/townhouse next year, and I'm joining a softball team as well as taking a course at church. I do'nt really want to do the buying a house thing alone (i always planned on waiting until I got married to move out) but I think that could be a LONG time coming!!! I do have a slight dilemma in that I didn't take the bible the ex bought me for christmas...i was so mad that I didn't want it at the time....and now I do!!!! So I don't know if i should contact him and ask for it, or leave it as a lost cause? What do you think guys??

April 13, 2004
6:40 pm
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orchid
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Sam...I read the thread about the bday rant...i am guessing you are talking about the boy#1 when you say you went to the movies?? I find it hard to believe that the guy you are seeing is okay with that situation...you are lucky he is so understanding. Most guys I know would not allow that!!! But I do agree with you that it is hurtful that boy#1 ignored your bday the next day....i mean you had just seen him!!!! I would be upset about that too. Next week is my ex's bday and I don't know if I should email him or not. Last year we were broken up on his bday and I did. So if I don't this year it will really show that I want nothing to do with him....but I somedays think that I can just be friends with him, because that's better than nothing. Realisically I know that would be very hard though.
I am feeling these days like i'm going to be single forever. Went to a party saturday night and ended up having a few drinks and then in a hot tub with this one guy. Kinda made out with him a bit...and the next day was like "what was i doing?" was I trying to make myself feel better?? That's totally not like me...I usually wait for that kinda stuff until at least a few dates! Then last night I went out with a guy who is interested in me...but as usual, i was picking him apart and just had no interest, even though he's perfectly nice and attractive!!!!
To top it off, i get home from that feeling all discouraged and there's an email from my ex's mother!! She really really liked me, and wrote about how sorry she was that it didnt' work out..and told me how great i was and how much she loved me and told me to call her if i needed her. Breaks my heart..i love his family so much, but i know i need to get over him and let them go too. These are all reasons why I don't find getting into another relationship worth it, in case it doesn't work out and i go thru this crap again. Maybe just better to stay alone then i can't get disappointed by anyone but myself...

April 14, 2004
2:54 am
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Anonymous
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Orchid,
You know you don't really need that Bible. Most churches give them away for free. There are also sites on the internet that will send you a free Bible. Heck, if I could figure out a way, I'D send you a Bible. You are just looking for a reason to communicate with him again - and yeah, you'd like to have the Bible. It's hard to go cold turkey, but it will get easier.

I read in your post to Sam that you were considering being friends with you ex. Why on earth would you want to be friends with this man? Friendship is a two way street. What has this guy done for you? I don't know about you, but when I pick out my friends - lier and cheater aren't on my list of desirable characteristics. This guy will only try to bring you back into his twisted world if you contact him. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but I really believe that this guy can only cause you more pain.

If you don't mind my asking, how old are you? It sounds like you think you've run out of time to find a guy, which is never true at any age. But I thought you said that you were dating this guy while you were in school, which would make you still in your 20s. I may have misunderstood.

April 14, 2004
3:57 am
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haleeelizabeth
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Any advice?
My ex boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago... It was a really bad break up. When we first started dating, he was coming out of a 6 year relationship, and an engagement. I was in the process of getting over my ex, but was feeling really strong, that I didnt need a guy. Then I met him. I fell hard, and fast. We dated off and on, and during this time he slept with my best friend, and 7 other girls from his hometown. I found out about 7 months into the relationship. I was heart broken, but I still took him back. Why I dont know. I guess I just thouught things would get better. So we tried again, things were good, but finally I got to the point where I just knew I could do better than that. We broke things off. He lives in his hometown now, so there isnt ever a chance of us running into each other. But even after all of the shit he put me through, I am still having a hard time not having any contact with him. And he is now dating someone else. I just want to forget about him, and move on, but I am having a really hard time. I just got back from Florida, and I didnt want to call him when I was there, but I did. And we of course got in a huge fight, because the girl he is dating? was there. How do I let go... and fast.. I am tired of hurting.

April 14, 2004
3:51 pm
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Sam7
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Hi Orchid

Good to hear that you're keeping busy and you're resisting the urge to call the guy. Foggy is right. You may want the Bible, but it's just an excuse to talk to him. Leave it alone for now, and maybe at some point in the future, if you still really want that specific Bible, you can write him a letter asking him to mail it to your mom's house or something. But no contact seems like a good way to go. Thanks with sympathizing with me on the b-day thing. It was really hard for me to set that boundary with him and stick to it. I felt awful because I was hurting his feelings, especially because he later got all melodramatic and accused me of being mean and making him feel bad (taking no responsibility for his own behaviour) and then said it was my fault that he may never be able to love again etc. I was really upset. But it had the added bonus of making me furious. I'm finally realizing that he's manipulating me on an emotional level and that the way he's treating me is not the way you treat and behave towards someone you care about. But I'm not going to pretend like I'm a saint. My counsellor has pointed out to me that I'm fully responsible for how I feel and what my actions are etc, which makes me 50% responsible for the situation. I've done some things that have enabled and encouraged this situation to continue, and that is unfair and wrong for everybody involved.

I don't feel quite ready for it, but I've decided to take some steps to change my behaviours. I do want to be open to the possibility of being friends with him, but we are continually back sliding into a horrible cycle. And I know that right now it would be really easy for me to slide back into it. So I've made a conscious decision to stay away from him as much as possible over the next month and see how that goes. I will bump into him on occasion because we go to some of the same places, but I'll just take that as it comes. But my counsellor yesterday used the word addiction with me, and I know to escape addiction you have to STOP.

I'm hoping that at some point in the future, I may be able to have a clear understanding of what is acceptable and unacceptable to me and the ability to be strong and firm in that. But right now, with this guy, I don't. So I need to stay away from him.

I'm enlisting my friends and boyfriend for moral support (and hopefully you guys too :-)!) It's going to be really hard for me not to crumble, but I need to remember that he's making me feel bad and that he's hurting me and manipulating me and punishing me and I'm allowing that to happen and allowing myself to feel those things and I need to stop. Also, I'm allowing him to use me to generate bad situations and feelings for himself, and I think he's even less capable of stopping than I am.

And as far as my boyfriend goes, he's really not happy about the situation. He's furious with boy #1, and I think a bit frustrated that I'm having so much trouble with this. But at the same time, I have been painfully honest with him and he's been really supportive because I am being honest with him and myself and I'm trying my best. And also because I'm admitting the problems I have and the ones I may encounter along the way. So he's very supportive of ME and the positive changes I'm trying to make, but with the general situation, he's less than pleased, understandably so.

But it's really good that I'm dealing with this in my own way and in my own time, and I'm hoping you all can help keep me on track!

April 14, 2004
5:16 pm
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haleeelizabeth
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Orchid-
Hi. I just got this website from my mom, she is trying to help me deal with everything. I was reading your entries, and they sound a lot like what I am going through. I am having a really hard time not calling my ex, or having any contact with him. Its easier because we dont live in the same town. But he is dating someone else. Which breaks my heart, and after every thing we have been through, I shouldnt care, but I do. Praying seems to be the only thing getting me through, but its still hard. He will call one day and apologize for being mean to me, and then the next day I talk to him, he tells me I am the last person he wants to talk to. Do you have any advice?

April 14, 2004
6:12 pm
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orchid
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Hi haleeelizabeth.....hmmmmm, my advice would be don't take my advice, because up until now I've done everything wrong!! But I'm truly trying to fix that this time. My ex lives in the same town, and I have a couple of friends who live very very close to him, so whenever i'm over there visiting I still drive by his house. (which only hurts me of course, if HER car is there). The good thing about this is that he has no idea I'm doing it so at least he can't have the satisfaction of knowing I care. I am trying very very hard to make him think that I am just fine and don't give a shit anymore. He bounced back and forth between me and this other girl so many times, it makes me sick to think he keeps getting away with it. So I'm going to put a stop to it, and hopefully deflate his ego a bit. If you are letting this ex talk to you, then he is getting an incredible rush that you still care, and you are encouraging his behaviour. I did it all last summer, while he was with someone else I let him talk to me inappropriately. Not only is that not fair to you, but i realized you have to think of the other girl...what if she was you?? Now I konw you probably hate her, but don't do that. Feel sorry for her, because she now has to deal with the garbage you did. And those two will end also, or she'll just be unhappy because he's obviously not a good guy. You broke free!! Now just hang onto that. I feel an intense need to know what is going on in my ex's life, which i can get through friends if I want. But I really think to heal, i need to stop thinking about that, about him, or anything to do with him. Slowly it fades off and you dont wake up thinking about them everyday anymore. And it just gets better and better. But take it from me hun, if you keep talking to him, you will not get better. If he's calling one day all nice, the next all mean, he is manipulating you. Typical of an insecure/addict guy that has to keep "all options open"...which is normal I guess for a lot of people, but not healthy. My theory now is that if you break up, it's for a reason, and should just accept that and move on. I am sure there is someone out there for you, for me, for everyone on this board who hasn't found someone yet. BUT we have to be strong enough to wait and find that person instead of settling for losers who treat us like crap. Please dont' settle, we are all better than that. All that said, I TOTALLY understand your struggle hon....surprise the hell out of him and next time he calls, brush him off, say you are just heading out, act like you are happy. It will piss him off, but watch out, it might make him try harder to prove something. Keep doing this and eventually he'll give up. Then he'll go awhile without contacting you and in a couple of months will probably email you or something out of the blue when you least expect it and you will freak out. That's what happened to me...I was pretty well over him (i thought) and i figured it would be okay to talk to him..but the cycle started again!! NO CONTACT okay? Good luck hun, feel free to post here more!!

April 14, 2004
6:33 pm
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orchid
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Foggy...I KNOW i don't need the bible...but honestly it is a really nice pink leather, soft cover bible that is also a devotional bible, and worth a lot of money. And it's all pretty inside, with flowers etc. And I did really like it. But Sam is right when she said that maybe one day down the road I can get it back. I should have taken it that night i went to get all my other stuff but i was so mad that SHE was there, I told him to give it to her. But he'll never do that because I warned her about it. haha.
You're right, I am in my 20's..almost 25. And i know it's definitely not too late to find someone, but it's still hard when all my friends are getting married. What I hold on to now is the thought that at least I'm not rushing something and hopefully won't make a mistake.
And I guess being friends isn't an option either, youre right, who needs friends like that. Maybe aquaintance is a better word...but not for awhile..until i'm happy and secure with someone else more than likely.

April 14, 2004
6:34 pm
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orchid
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PS Haleeelizabeth...KEEP PRAYING!!!

April 14, 2004
6:41 pm
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orchid
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Sam...that's awesome that you've decided to start cutting off the contact....I'm so proud of you! It just sucks that you will end up running into him from time to time because that might start old feelings. You're right when you say you'll have to be really strong!! Just try and think of all the bad things about him and whatever you do, don't think about the good ones! You've seen what a supportive guy is like in your current boyfriend, so dont give it up!! I can honestly say I have not had that, I've only dated completely selfish idiots. And that's probably because I rushed from relationship to relationship so i "had" someone. Not this time my friend!!! I'm going to be so careful it's scary, and I'm sure i'll end up being alone for a long time. But I can deal with that. I'm going to start looking for a new job (better pay) so taht i can afford to buy my own townhouse. With that goal in mind, it's easier to face each day. I think the day that you will have a clear understanding of what is acceptable with him will be the day that you realize that you don't love him or have any of those sort of feelings for him anymore. Until then, boundaries are very hard to set. And trust me, he knows it. I think you might be surprised and feel released from some of your pain if you are not dealing with his manipulation all the time. And as I keep saying, at least you are lucky enough to have a supportive boyfriend to be there for you...it's a lot harder alone trust me!! Hang tough Sam, if I can do the no contact thing, so can you! 🙂

April 14, 2004
6:46 pm
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Haleeelizabeth,
I was going to post something to you, but I see that Orchid has already given you some great advice. My advice is to take her advice. If this guy keeps contacting you, you can change your phone number and email account. My experience is that just when you think you may be getting over it they pop up again. And yeah - don't call him anymore. You're just making it harder on yourself. There is someone out there that you will love so much more and will treat you with the respect you deserve. You just have to keep telling yourself that you will find this person and that you deserve this person, b/c YOU DO.

Sam,
I can really relate to your situation. For the longest time I was torn btw. my ex and my current bf. It's a long story, but my ex is in prison. We were planning to be together when he got out. But along came my current bf. My ex was and addict, recovering now, and we had a rough relationship for a long time. Over the years, things have changed and we've become really good friends, but our previous relationship has left me with scars. I've realized since I began posting here that I am codependent. I decided that I would stop going to see my ex and only talk to him once a month. This has allowed me to concentrate more on my current relationship. I've realized that I've glossed over many issues w/ my bf b/c I wasn't fully invested. I don't know if my bf and I will last, but at least I can stop wasting my time in limbo. Hopefully, you will discover something different in your current relationship.

April 15, 2004
1:30 am
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haleeelizabeth
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Orchid-
THANK YOU SO MUCH for writing back... I talked to my mom tonight, and I have decided to go talk to a counselor. How long have you and your bf been broken up?
I will admit that it has been me calling him, he says that when he talks to me, it just makes him mad. Because honestly when we talk we just fight. One of his friends just passed away of cancer. I have called and checked on him to make sure he is ok, and told him I was there for him if he needed anything. But he hasnt called... I guess it just kind of hurts... But hopefully things will get better... I am not the type of person to start dating someone right after, one because I am not ready, and neither is my heart. But he is, he says that he doesnt want to deal with any of it... So... I guess I will just deal with it, and give my time heart to heal.. I guess its just hard knowing I put so much time and effort, and have nothing to show of it. I would like to be friends with him, but I know that is out of the question for right now anyways. Do you ever talk to your ex? Do you know the girl he is with now.
Anyways thanks again for writing back.

April 15, 2004
1:34 am
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haleeelizabeth
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FoggyandConfused- thanks for the encouragement. I definitely need to quit calling him. I left a message on his voice mail and told him that I would quit bothering him, and just to take care, and good luck. I have thought about getting my number changed, so if he does ever call, I wont have to deal with it. But I wish I could just forget his... : ( but I know things will get better... I am going to see a counselor next week... so hopefully talking to someone from the outside will help...

April 15, 2004
9:23 pm
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orchid
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Hi Haleeelizabeth...my boyfriend and i have only been broken up for about 3 weeks (this time that is) We broke up for almost 8 months last spring/summer while he was with the girl he just went back to. And yes I do know her, she's actually not a bad girl, just prone to head towards destructive relationships like me I guess! THe difference with me is that I didn't contact my ex during the last break up...he contacted me and made a play to get me back, and after resisting for awhile, it worked. BUT I know where you are coming from when you say it's hard because his friend just died of cancer.Just before my ex and i got back togehter this most recent time his dad was killed by a drunk driver...so it was very easy to fall back into a relatoinship with him (even though I didn't want to) because I knew he NEEDED me. Typical codependent behaviour. So really, as long as I can hold off contacting him for alittle longer, i'll get stronger and stronger....BUT if he contacts me it will be hard to resist. I think I can do it though! You can do it too 🙂 So to answer your question, no i don't talk to him. It's too easy for me to fall back in if i do. Oh, and I'm glad you're seeing a counsellor, I've never done that, but I think it is a worthwhile thing to do. Good luck hun.

April 16, 2004
12:16 am
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Sam7
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Hi Guys,

Talking to a counsellor really does help. It's someone who is trained to recognize the problem and hopefully someone who can help you to realize why you're doing what you're doing and the destructive behaviours that you have. My counsellor did a lot of that for me in our last session. It's hard for me to hear because I don't like to admit that I'm wrong or that I'm possibly part of the problem. It's much easier just to blame the other person. But I'm trying hard not to be too defensive or critical of people who are being honest with me about my behaviours and I'm trying to look at what I'm doing in a different light. It's tough to totally accept responsiblity for yourself and admit that you're in the wrong, but it also creates more of an inner calm. Not like I still don't have a tonne of work to do though!

And Haleeelizabeth...you may want to reconsider leaving the guy any messages even. I think it's a way of justifying contacting him. Now that you made it clear that you aren't talking to him anymore, don't talk to him anymore. Orchid and I are dealing with the same thing, so hopefully we can all help each other out!

April 18, 2004
6:56 pm
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orchid
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Hey Sam..how's it going? I saw on your other thread your stuff about school/money. Wow, I can't believe how much education costs these days eh?? But if it's something that will make you happy..then you should go for it, if at all possible! I wonder what would happen if you went away to school..if that would help you get past boy#1, and do you think you'd be able to stay with your current bf? I'd find long distance very hard.
So tomorrow is my ex's birthday...and i'm NOT going to email him (even though last year on his bday we were apart and i did email). I just dont want him to have the satisfaction of knowing that i still think of him. It makes me sick that he has gotten away with what he has up until now. I think by me not emailing, the point will really hit home to him that he really screwed up this time. (and maybe will keep him from contacting me in the future)I do feel badly for not emailing, but maybe i'll wish him a silent happy bday that he won't know about!
How are you doing with not contacting boy#1? have you run into him yet?

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