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Boyfriend issues - please feedback
May 6, 2007
7:07 pm
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courage to change
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Hi. Dont know how to explain this, but I have a really good relationship with my boyfriend. Im managing to stay pretty healthy with it so far, but after reading a few thread, Ive got too stop my head from wondering off with me, so am after some advise.

Physically we are both very attracted to one another. However, after 2 months he seems to want to please me sexually, but himself he is impotent (age 49). For me this is really strange, Ive never had a relationship with any man and come across this. I do not blame myself in anyway or think that I am not sexey. I believe that this is his problem.

I ve tried not to make this an issue, and really dont know how to deal with it. He says he is not ready to go any further, which is fine by me. If he is happy to keep me happy, for the time being this is ok.

But my fear now is maybe this man is frightened of intimacy and likes to be in control. What I dont want to do is waste anymore of my years, and find that this man has no committment and then gets scared and finishes the relationship. Apart from all this we do get on very well, and I am able to be healthy in it most of the time. Am I worrying unnecessarily? I do have a history of attracted men who are emotionally unavailable. What do you think? (im almost 40) and how should i handle this. x

May 6, 2007
7:23 pm
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hi courage -

i think from reading this, i would just be very careful about this relationship. just make sure you have other activities to occupy your time so you keep being healthy, like you said.

maybe don't put everything into him and enjoy the time you do spend together and just see what happens. it does sound strange, but if he seems to be a good boyfriend in every other aspect, then it could be okay.

however, if this relationship just isnt' meeting your needs, then it may be time to look elsewhere??

but if you are really happy with him, then you probably are worrying about unnecessary things.

has he done anything else to make you think he's emotionally unavailable, frightened of intimacy, or likes to be in control??

May 6, 2007
7:58 pm
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Hi d.
Thanks for your feedback. You are correct will focus on just having fun, and build up my own social circle. During the week I have time doing my own thing, and meet up with him on the week ends. So he is not my whole world, which feels very empowering.

Im not aware that he has done anything else to make me feel he is emotionally unavailable.

Infact, he loves to please me, but has very firm boundaries of his own. He is very tactil, and great to be with.

When I first went out with him, he said he did not have much experience in relationships, but was willing to learn. He said that most of his life he was very shy, and spent time looking after both his parents.

However, he started learning to dance later on in his life, and this taught him how to overcome his shyness.

Then he met me. I just think maybe he is inexperienced. I have decided in my head that I am going to give the relationship 6 months and just go with the flow, watch, and see how this goes. Then I will either discuss the matter in full with him, or if I think he is emotionally unavailable, then it will be time for me to move on.

All I know is im not prepared to waste any part of my life on someone who is emotionally unavailable. Been there - worn the badge - done it - and its all getting rather boring doing the same thing. I DESERVE ME A GOOD MAN, THIS TIME!! NO MATTER HOW STRONG ME FEELINGS ARE XXXX

Brilliant site - thanks for the feedback. I so appreciate it.

May 6, 2007
8:02 pm
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danielle7373
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sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders with this one! keep me updated.

like you said - just enjoy it for now... see what happens... but at least you acknowledge you deserve a good man!!

it's nice and fair of you to give him some time since it's only been two months (?) but if he isn't cutting it, then you deserve better.

i agree - this sight is brillians 🙂

i found it maybe two weeks ago, and just being able to post my "issues" has been great!!

May 6, 2007
8:30 pm
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Here's my experiance with men with this problem. I had a male friend who was very attractive and somewhat of a ladies man. However, he couldn't get an erection to save his life. He had been raised by very strict Catholic parents and had been taught that premarital sex was a sin blah blah blah and he was also messed with a bit by an older male as a child. He had some other issues as well. I started talking to him and learning more about him and I asked him if he had ever had an erection around a girl and he told me only when he was drunk and exposed himself to girls out of the blue kinda as a shock like a flasher! He could only get an erection when engaging in this fetish of flashing. He was one messed up guy. He was really sexy though, what a waste. He lived with his parents when I met him at 21 and continued to do so the whole time I knew him. I eventually ended the friendship because it wasn't too healthy for other reasons. Be careful with men that have ED. Lot's of people think it's because of old age, or because the man is on certian meds that can cause ED but there are other reasons not talked about too much. Psychological stuff can totally effect a man's erection, that's what was behind my friend's ED problems. Just thought I would share that info with you.

Sounds good like you are trying to maintain you own identity aka life. Having our own friends and hobbies is the best medicine for women who have codependency issues and tend to get lose themselves in their relationships. Being really busy and having a full life has helped me get over my ex. I feel building up my own life will make me more desirable to the right man when I chose to date again. Normal guys like women with their own interests, it makes the relationship more interesting when both parties have something to bring to the table in terms of hobbies, friends, life experiances.
AQueen

May 7, 2007
6:10 am
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Hi

Didnt sleep last night, and am feeling codependently obsessive. His lack of erection has never bothered me so far. But all of a sudden Im feeling upset, and I dont know why. Have decided I am going to talk to him today. I hope he is honest with his feedback. I think I feel sad at the thought of "what ifs", because I really dont know what is going on in his head, and its causing my head to be in turmoil.

I have not felt any of this turmoil since ive been going out with him.
And its been good.

Ive got things to do, and everything seems such hard work. I just want to cry, why though, cause its not my problem,and I know im strong. I really dont know why im getting all emotional about this. I just hurt inside with myself, because yet again my obsessional thought are overpowering me, and I have not felt so out of control for a long time.

May 7, 2007
8:45 am
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risingfromtheashes
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courage....I have been down this road.

I am 35, my boyfriend is 26.

He has not had alot of experience in the relationship department...he has dated, but it was all short lived and he lived a life of solitude, pretty much.

When we met, sex was great, but it was at a time where we had no privacy, so we risked getting caught.

He had no trouble getting an erection or climaxing.

Then I moved up closer to him (this was already in the works when we met) and our relationship became very serious...he was staying at my house every night.

And the sex deteriorated.

At first, he couldn't climax...no matter what he tried. Then it got to the point that he couldn't get an erection. Then he stopped trying all together.

He had stress in his life...he blamed it on that.

At first, he would make sure I climaxed, keep trying himself...then quit after a while...then he would get me to climax...then stop trying all together for himself...then he stopped trying all together. If I tried to start things up, he would go along with it, but his interest was hard to get, and hard to keep going.

He did have commitment issues.
He did grow up with older parents.
He didn't have much experience.

BUT

Things are great now.

We went thru alot to get here, and under most conditions, I probably should not have gone down this road...but I am patient and stubborn and he said he was willing to see this thru.

What I have come to understand is that he has spent alot of time watching porn movies in his past...as well as porn magazines.

And I think it "desensitized" him, as well as made him believe what sex was all about...and not real life experience.

At first, he could only climax if there was some element of control (like thoughts of bondage)...or if he was thinking about his porn stuff.

But, recently things have improved and our relationship is so comfortable and the trust has built and he has no trouble climaxing without any thoughts of bondage or control...he's growing out of the stuff he used to believe in.

When he couldn't climax, it bothered me...I felt like I couldn't excite him enough to get there...but it really wasn't about me, but more about what he was "conditioned" to. I was a little turned off by the whole porn thing, but decided to adopt a wait and see attitude...if it continued to be an issue, I would have walked away...cuz it is unhealthy. A little spice is nice, but if it's required ALL the time, it's a problem in my mind.

All I can say in your situation is that he IS older, he has admitted to shyness...and at his age, lack of experience can definitely make a guy feel self concious.

I do know that the more you focus on it and talk about it, the more self concious he is going to be, and probably more withdrawn.

If everything else feels good and you can cope with this and see how it goes as things get comfortable and the trust builds...then go for it.

But if you think it's a long term issue that will always cause distress, then gently walk away.

I can only tell you that I am glad I waited it out...but know that sometimes, all the time in the world won't solve it.

will he see a doctor about it??????

Also, when I was dating my ex, he had erection problems too....it was mental...and most of the time, erection issues ARE mental...but only a doctor can rule out a physical condition that may be preventing it. But if he can get one by flashing women...then chances are, it's mental.

And I would worry about the flashing too...it's a little more scary than the porn is, in my mind anyway.

If you have tendencies to be codependent, this kind of situation is very difficult.

You are compelled to want to fix it...and feel very low cuz you aren't sexy enough for him to work properly and you can't fix it. It triggers esteem issues, as well as coda issues.

In the end, you have to be careful of your own mental health. and know you probably can't fix this kind of thing at all.

May 7, 2007
6:36 pm
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Thank you so much for all of your feedback. I so appreciate talking about this delicate subject.

Firstly, I just want to say, Im not aware that my boyfriend is into porn, or flashing. He comes across as a very plain normal man. I had a talk with him today, tried to keep it all very light without making it an issue. I felt better having talked with him, and I got the impression its just about shyness, and him getting used to me. I really dont believe he has much experience at all, if any with women.

I need to stress he does not live with his parents at all, and has not done so since he was 21, but he is very supportive of them and comes from a very close family.

When I talked about this issue with him, he seemed very accepting of himself and chilled about it all. He was not aware of anything deeper being the issue. All I know is, for the first time in my relationship, it triggered off my codependency issues, about wanting to fix and help him. I am not sexually frustrated by him whatsoever. I love him very deeply, and apart from this issue,I still consider it a very honest and loving relationship.

However, time will tell, and I do have to be careful of what triggers my codependency issues and this did for the first time. I have been doing coda 16 years, and its amazing how one can still relapse. What did work for me though, was to focus on other things besides him and his problem, and this is really what I needed to do more of and sooner, rather than getting so obsessive.

All my actions are very familiar, when I start getting close to someone, this is why I try to keep my boundaries - to keep me safe.

Thank you all very much and I will keep you posted. xxxx

May 9, 2007
8:19 am
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Hi everyone.

Would love some welcomed feedback.

I decided to start a new 8 week course, one to prevent my mind becoming obsessive about my partner, two to make new friends, and three to develop my business.

Went last night to college. I must stress I now nothing about the subject I am about to start studying, and the course was advertised as an Introduction. Anyhow, when I got to the course, I find that there are people with more experience than me in it, and I get scared. I guess I have chosen to study a subject I know nothing about, and Im worried that I will not understand what the lecturer is teaching me. The subject I have chosen to learn is one of my weakest subjects (its very mathematical).

This is another reason I want to do it. All my worryies and anxieties are surfacing, and I do not know how to prepare myself for the next 8 weeks ahead. The questions I have are:

What if I really dont understand what he is talking about, I dont want to hold the class up.

There are so many words in this subject I have no idea about, and the lecturer just speaks so fast and races through things.

Any suggestions how I should deal with this. Im not unintelligent, but just never studied anything mathematical before. If he went a little slower, it would give me more time to take what he is saying in.

May 9, 2007
8:33 am
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risingfromtheashes
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first of all, get a tape recorder so you can tape it and review it at home and take your time to look up the words you don't understand.

secondly, do not be ashamed that you don't have the same level of knowledge that you have...some may only be taking the course because it's a requirement for a degree they are pursuing.

You are PAYING for the course...so you have EVERY RIGHT to stop the professor or ask him to slow down.

You also have a right to ask the professor for some extra help after class if you have further questions....explain your situation...most would be happy to bring you up to speed or suggest a supplementary book or something that you can use to help you further.

Many teachers will teach to the majority...meaning if most move fast, they will move fast....but that doesn't make it right.

as a paying customer...you have a right to ask him to slow down.

The other option is asking the professor if there is another course that you should take before this one, that would prime you for this one. It may be an introductory class, but there may be another one that would be a better starter course.

I admire you for doing this...it is brave to go back to school and it shows your commitment to yourself, that you want to focus on something other than your relationship.

May 10, 2007
5:38 am
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Thanks for your feedback, about my course. I have asked around and feel much more positive about the whole thing.

This morning had a phone call from a man, that I used to be friends with off and on over five years. Never anything serious. On the odd occasion we would have a sexual relationship if either of us were not seeing each other. Ive always known he was not the right man for me, so we both left it like that.

My mind has just went off on another planet after his phone call. Im from a small town, (and hes from the capital city) and getting and focusing on my life has been peaceful, the odd drama in my head, but not too much. Most of the time I have felt very peaceful with my new man.

Any how as this other man phones, my head goes off, and all the excitement comes up. (like I said he was never relationship material), but I know he has contacted me cause he would like to meet up sometime in my summer holidays. I know he enjoys my company and I too his, but that is it. And I get all excited. Is this wrong or right when you are seeing someone. Surely I can still have male friends. (nothing sexual though I am aware).

Him phoning me bring up issues like, all the men ive ever dated were unable to be emotionally attached (maybe me also). I actually enjoyed being single, and having plenty of male friends. There is something in me that is a free spirit. Why you may ask. Well because every man I eventually got emotionally involved with either wants to control me, and is unable to be deeply emotionally available. So I say to myself, well why bother ever having a relationship with a man too deeply, cause the ones I seem to attracted to are unavailable for various reasons. So I in my heart am an independent woman, who never had a problem being single, enjoys mens company, without getting too deep and for some reason it worked for me. It gave them their freedom, and me the opportunity to get on and focus on my own life. Sounds great and I enjoyed it when it was. x

However, my new boyfriend came along and i enjoyed it for what it was also. My heart was never filled with loads of excitement, but I thought just go with it and take your time. Slowely, as I spend time with him, my heart is growing deeper yet again, and it feels nice. But i still miss the excitement. He will never give that to me cause, he is not that type of man.

Do I meet up with this man later on in July or do I keep him at arms distance. Im very commited, and would not dream of putting my relationship at risk in anyway, so is it ok to meet up with this other man, as surely you dont get all your needs met from one person.

What do you think?????

May 10, 2007
8:17 am
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risingfromtheashes
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well, flip it around...how would you feel if your new boyfriend arranged to meet up with an old "friend"...under the same conditions...or made the comment that he can't get everything from one woman, so it's ok to have others?

Frankly, I am against cheating...even if it's not physical, there is an element of emotional infidelity here.

I DO believe that you can get everything from one partner...and the rest from your family and other friends.

If you went to see this guy, would you tell your partner?

Cuz if you can't tell him you are doing it, then it shows that you know it's wrong...and it wouldn't be wise to do.

If you can tell him your plans, and he is ok with it...then have at it.

Frankly I think you are playing with fire...if you have a good relationship, why risk losing it? especially for a man who has brought drama to your life and isn't available and only out for the obvious thing.

You have to decide if your new guy is worth losing...sounds like the guys in the past weren't worth keeping, so it was no big deal if you played around. Question is...do you care if you lose him...cuz you may.

You mention that your old habits work for you...but it would appear that you found, and like, something different now.

Question is...what do you want NOW?

If you want a more stable relationship, you may have to deal with the changes in the type of relationship you have, including lack of drama. Could you create excitement in others ways?

Do you WANT to fix the part of you that gets attached to unavailable men?

I have to give you credit...you recognize your attraction to unavailable men, and instead of stressing out about changing it...you rolled with it and made the best of it.

Some days I wish I could do that.

But I guess I always wanted something more, something more stable...something more substantial...so my only choice was to do the work to change.

Anyway, bottom line is, you have to figure out if you want to risk losing your new guy...cuz that's what is really at stake.

May 10, 2007
8:18 am
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risingfromtheashes
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maybe your partners impotence is a bigger issue than you want to admit?

May 10, 2007
8:33 am
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Hi ya

Understand your text, twas just on a high after phone call. I would never dream of putting anything in jeopardy with my new man, this is not in my nature. Im glad that i was truthful, even though my head was on another planet.

I am back down to earth now, and to be honest, I would not like it done to me if the roles were reversed. So I have decided to live with my decision. I would definitely never have a sexual relationship with another person, as im in a commited relationship. I have no problem with his impotence at the moment. Whether this becomes an issue in the future, then I will deal with then.

Eitherway, ive come back down to reality, and my head has changed from the single women I once was (which was good at times) to the relationship women of now and is also good but different.

Thanks for being straight to the point, but believe me I would never jeopardise anything I now have. Its great to have the freedom to express our feelings, cause this has stopped me acting out on anything.

Best wishes to you

x

May 10, 2007
8:47 am
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risingfromtheashes
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a few months back, the same thing happened to me.

I was in a relationship, it had it's issues...and my ex-ex ended his relationship with his fiance.

I knew he would call and he did.

I enjoyed talking with him for many hours at night.

It was like old times and we were able to make amends for many of the mistakes we made during our relationship and breakup.

We talked about getting back together, but he wasn't over her and I didn't know what was up with my relationship.

We talked about seeing eachother...but both agreed it would be wrong...cuz there was a risk things would work out for him and his ex again...and I didn't want to get involved and lose him again.

So, we stayed at a distance.

It was fun...it was exciting...but it was short lived.

The best thing about all this is that I FINALLY have my closure I needed with him. things ended so badly that I carried around alot of guilt. As well as "what if".

Now I know...tho he has changed over time...and I like who he is better now...there is alot that has NOT changed...and those are the things that would keep us from being successful together.

Anyway, just trying to say (in a long winded sort of way)...that I know how these types of things can happen.

And glad you came back down to reality and plan to do the right thing for your relationship.

May 10, 2007
5:52 pm
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I don't think that this has anything to do with your boyfriend being impotent. I just think that right now in your life, you are starting to feel free. You want a relationship but then again you don't.
Have you ever been in a point in your life that you didn't have to answer to anybody? That you can do what you want without feeling like you owe the other person something.

Before you settle into this relationship I hope that you truly know what you want. Don't settle for less if this is not what you want in a man. Because it will become a problems on down the road. Don't pretend with this man that he is satifying you because deep down in your heart, you know that he isn't.

It just seem to me that you have had a taste of being single and being in a relationship and by reading what you are writing you enjoyed being single. And there is nothing wrong with that. Single and being free and don't have to answer to anyone and doing what you want.

Sometimes you can't get no better then that.

A friend of mines is going through what you are going through and I told her before she even got into this situation, and now as being a woman with needs, he can't fulfill them and she wants to complain about a situation that she already knew about.
Now she wants to be single like me but she will have to let him know her feeling before she hurts him.
Nappy

May 11, 2007
8:23 am
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Thank you to you both for your input. x

May 13, 2007
4:26 am
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Am really pleased with myself.

Ex text me again. I deleted the number. Dont really want anymore to do with him. Its all just a game. I dont want those highs or lows anymore. Dont have energy for them. Want to focus on my own life now. About time 🙂

If he contacts me again, have decided to tell him the NO CONTACT rule and have a boundary around him.

Ive got rid of his number, so im unable to contact him.

Tis time for me to move forward. Only, have energy for me and my one boyfriend.

p.s. (- too many men is hardwork. Only joking!!!)

May 13, 2007
10:42 am
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I think you are so very brave to do what you have done and you should feel rightly pleased with yourself. To delete the number so you can't contact him again was a very big step. Well done. I wish I could be so strong. I have posted on What's Wrong with me thread and on I Am so Weak. I absolutely relate to the comments about having to do something different to occupy thoughts so that the obsessive pre-occupation with the relationship can be reduced. My problem is that I haven't the emotional or physical energy to motivate myself to do anything right now. I sleep a lot of the time. I think most of my get up and go came from being with my friend. Have been wondering lately whether there is a chemical element involved. Do you think it's possible that the stress of the ups and downs and upsets causes chemical brain changes and it is this we become addicted to? Rather like people who become addicted to exercise? The withdrawal symptoms for me right now are horendous and I desperately want him to ring me whilst knowing that it would be best if he never contacted me again. See....even in trying to separate, I still hand control over to him.. How well I have been conditioned!

May 13, 2007
6:58 pm
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Thank you for your lovely compliment.

It is a problem. I think its addictions, yes like exercise. Tremendous highs and lows. But instead of getting them from your relationship, you just replace him with something else that gives you the highs and lows. But this time something that is good for you.

I used to do lots of exercise, to give me the highs and lows, my previous relationship used to give me. The positive side was at least I was looking after me and building my self esteem up. The negative side, I am still addicted to the highs and lows, but not so much from a man to give it to me.

I get some of my emotional, passion and drive, from taking risk in my business. My passion on a contact basis I get from dancing. Touch I get from hugs, and massage etc.

This has all helped my self esteem. Its wonderful. And when I was single most of the time, this is the way I fulfilled myself.

I now have a lovely man in my life, who does not give me the highs or lows really, but I love him so much its beautiful to be with a normal man. One who communicates with me, and most of the time I feel just so content and at peace in his company.

The warmth of the cuddles, and his sincerity is beautiful, it touches my soul. However, sexually our relationship has not grown yet. Out of three months, his lack of sexual advancement has created me and my codependent crazies appear once. So for the first time in my life I have had to deal with something completely different. Lack of sexual advancement.

But if you want the truth, at present it doesnt bother me, I just so want to develop the love between us, and just see where it all goes.

Its gorgeous and im enjoying being with him x

The book that has helped me save my sanity is WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.

Its been my bible x

Good luck to you

May 14, 2007
8:23 am
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risingfromtheashes
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that is also my bible.

I, too, am in a relationship that is growing in a beautiful way.

there have been some highs and lows, but for the most part, it's been drama free.

it took some getting used to (as I explained, I had a run in wiht the ex-ex as well)...but for the most part, I am LOVING what I have...it is so calm and peaceful.

yesterday, it was a little chilly out...we were piling firewood together...I was getting a high from physical exertion that I don't normally get...at break time, I would lay in the grass and stretch out and feel the sun on my skin warming me all over.

It was a NICE feeling...I was content...in my element.

Sometimes we bounce around a bit before finding what suits us...sounds like you are finding what suits you too.

May 14, 2007
10:17 am
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Hi Rising

Had a fab time yesterday. Peaceful walks with partner, and lovely dances in the evening. Communicated some uncomfortable stuff with a relation of mine, and it was all respectful. Its all so different than the old days. Much more adult eh.

Am pretty tired today, as I had a late night. I just feel so much stronger in myself, after these threads. They re an absolute blessing.

thanks to all of us.

xx

I went dancing last night

May 19, 2007
2:01 am
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Every relationship still has its moments to test my ability to speak up for myself.

I have a situation that I need to talk about with my partner, and for some reason I get a block about talking to him about it.

This is the scenario.

I see him on w/e only. My choice. This gives me the opportunity to do my own thing during the week. Anyhow, me and him are part of a big social circle of dancers.

He has only been seeing me for 3 months. Prior to this he used to give a lady a lift to these dance things, that a group of us would go to. I also used to get lifts to different events by men.

Anyhow, when we go out dancing, during our time together he still seems to give her a lift with me.

Surely if he is taking me out on a date, it should not be a habit of bringing this other woman along. If the roles were reversed and I brought along a man, each time we went to a dance then Im sure he would feel uncomfortable.

I do not feel jealously towards this woman or anything really. He does not give me the impression he likes her or he is playing games. I just think he is doing something that he has always done and thinks nothing of it.

I do not mind him giving lifts to women, when we are not seeing each other to these dance events, but I do feel uncomfortable, that its a habit, when we are going to a dance event during our time

I dont know how to handle this situation, cause he has always been friends with her. Why does it bother me. Cause with everyman i have ever known I have never been number one? Eitherway, he has not given me the impression that I am not number one. I mean he only just brought me flowers the other day.

But this thing of going to a dance and bringing another women on our day, is all very strange. What do you think and how would you feel and approach the situation. Please help. xxx

May 19, 2007
4:26 am
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lovemedo
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Courage....maybe there is some confusion over what constitutes a date. Going to a social group dance event would not, in my book, be a date. It would be an evening doing something with other people that you both enjoy. Therefore, I see nothing wrong with giving a lift to someone else. Why not drop her off and then continue the evening by yourselves? Why not suggest that you have a real date one weekend. A meal, movies whatever. Do you have any quality time alone with him at all?

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