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Boundaries
November 8, 2002
10:17 am
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gypsygirl
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how do you maintain your boundaries without seeming like a bitch? Or a crybaby?

November 8, 2002
10:49 am
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Cici
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I've posted this about 3 times now to different threads, lol....(from about.com)

Boundaries, Rights and Healthy Relationship

Setting boundaries means that we are taking responsibility, being adult and demanding equality and respect in relationship.

Setting boundaries reflects our right to say NO to those things that aren't right for us.

Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go or who we're with.

Boundaries emerge from a deep sense of our personal rights; especially the right to be ourselves and take care of ourselves.

Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust and listen to ourselves.

Boundaries emerge from a belief that what we want, need, like and dislike is important.

Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what we believe we deserve and don't deserve.

TIPS FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

Anger, rage, complaining, whining, and feeling threatened, "suffocated" or victimized are clues to boundaries you need to set.

When you identify a need to set a boundary or a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger and in as few words as possible.

You cannot simultaneously set a limit with someone and take care of their feelings--they may be hurt, angry or disappointed with you.

You'll probably be ashamed and afraid when you set boundaries.

Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with the boundaries you set.

You'll be tested when you set boundaries.

Some people are happy to respect your boundaries.

A support system can be helpful as you strive to establish and enforce boundaries.

You'll set boundaries when you are ready and not a minute sooner.

There's a satisfying side to setting boundaries--it feels good.

EXAMPLES OF SETTING BOUNDARIES

"You don't have a right to tell me what to think, or invalidate my feelings."

"Don't vent your anger on me, I won't have it."

"This is mine, you don't have a right to use it as yours."

"I won't accept your belittling jokes, your criticism or your condescending attitude toward me."

"I won't be disrespected -- If you won't respect me, then stay away."

"Keep your hands off me."

"Stop doing that...or I'll leave; report you; file charges, (etc.)."

"Don't try to tell me what to do."

"If we're going to have a working relationship, I need honesty, respect & equality."

"I need to communicate when we have a misunderstanding."

"I need openness and sharing in a relationship -- your withholding is making our relationship not satisfying for me."

HOW TO MAINTAIN YOUR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES

Ask directly for what you want. This shows who you are to others.

Nurture yourself and your integrity. This creates an inner, intuitive sense that lets you know when a relationship has become hurtful abusive, or invasive.

Be objective about others' behavior toward you without getting caught in their drama.

Maintain a bottom line -- a limit to how many times you allow someone to say no, lie, disappoint, or betray you before you will admit the painful reality and move on.

Change the locus of trust from others to yourself. Don't put yourself in someone else's hands or expect unfallibility. Trust that you can allow others to be normally human and still have satisfying intimacy.

AFFIRMATIONS OF SOME BASIC RIGHTS

Nobody has the right to know my mind or my business or to tell me what to think, what to feel or what to do.

I have a right to my own thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs.

What I share with others about matters that concern me is determined by what feels right to me--not what they want.

If people are abusive or disrespectful to me, I have a right to tell them so, to ask them to stop and to avoid them.

I don't have to be nice to people who aren't nice to me.

I don't need abuse or to be disrespected.

I have a need and right to love myself, respect myself and to stand up for myself.

I always have a right to express what I feel and think for myself, as long as I don't try to tell others what's right for them.

I have a right to be who I am and to harmlessly live my own life regardless of whether others don't like it.

I don't have to feel guilty for not behaving as others might want me to or for not giving others what they expect from me.

I accept myself just as I am in the moment with whatever thoughts and feelings I have.

I accept my right to make mistakes--otherwise I couldn't learn and grow.

I accept my right to my imperfection and shortcomings and don't feel guilty for not being perfect.

I believe that no matter what, I am a divine child of God who is loved, forgiven, safe and destined to God's eternal life and blessings.

I believe that we should do unto others as we would have them do unto us--to be treated with love and respect.

I believe that if I am true to myself and live by the highest truth I know, that things will turn out for the best in the long run.

November 8, 2002
4:36 pm
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SGS
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This is a website I found. I am also learning to make better boundaries.

http://www.phenomenalwomen.com

November 11, 2002
1:50 pm
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SGS
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Good answer above.

Do any of you ever have problems with setting up boundaries with family (mother) and then you feel so incredibly guilty, because she's getting older and not physically fit & her husband just went to an alzheimers unit, yet you know in your gut you're doing the best thing for yourself, but that voice, oh that voice, wakes you and you know if you don't stand your ground now, you might never? I have more energy now that I've had in a long, long time. I've distanced myself from my mother now about 3 weeks who is deep down a really wonderful person, but all we ever did was argue. When will I know when I can call her? How do I break the ice? When I was a little girl and my mother was angry with me she used silence. Days would go by and she knew I couldn't stand the silence (she was my world) so I would beg and ask forgiveness. I'm not doing that this time. I feel I'm not "better" yet with my boundaries. Anyone understand. If something happens or someone needs me they all know where I live & work. Thanks.

November 14, 2002
10:07 pm
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sparrow
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cic, thanks for the post on boundaries. It's just what I needed! I'm printing it out to refer back to!

I never set any boundaries. Well, not until they have been so violated that I'm on the verge of a breakdown if I don't let out the anger! Thanks again!
-Sparrow

November 15, 2002
8:49 am
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beenthruthat
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Hi all

Well, I almost ALWAYS feel like a female dog when I'm setting boundaries. I want to be all nicey and comfortable for others. So when I make these justifiable 'demands', I feel like a rotten schmuck.

I think it is part of the process to work through the guilt. You know, the guilt that comes through when you know you are thinking about yourself. It's changing your way of dealing with others and not giving away your soul and spirit.

So, recognize when you get ready to set a boundary that you could very likely get guilty feelings, but those are unjustified.

Once you get the results you want, I think the guilt subsides (somewhat!).

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