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Boundaries are hard
November 14, 2005
5:46 pm
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kc30
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Every time I talk to my ex, I am left feeling crappy. Every conversation over the past month is one small step away from a blowout, it feels to me. He is, so it seems, flaunting the woman he is having an affair with in my face. He brings her to pick up the children and has her there when I go to pick them up. He started doing this after I wished them both well, and even politely introduced myself to her. It's hard emotionally to deal with this, but I do because I can't control what he does. But it's creating tension for me.

We had a Sunday night standing timeframe in which he could call me and we could discuss anything related to the children or the upcoming week. It was originally my idea...as I thought it could help to eliminate other contact through the week.

But over the past few weeks, he's been calling almost every day. I don't enjoy talking to him and I have stopped answering the phone.

Tonight, I told him in writing that I was no longer open to phone conversations with him (barring emergencies) and that if there was something that needed to be communicated/discussed, email would be fine.

Now I'm dealing with those voices that tell me "you're just making waves. you're being immature...you know he's going to be pissed and make trouble...you're just manufacturing drama...blah blah blah"

So I'm posting on here to tell those voices to shut up!! 🙂

If I am not comfortable talking to a person, I do not have to talk to them. If someone is toxic for me, I do not have to be near them. I am allowed to make healthy choices for myself. My feelings aren't right or wrong. I do not have to explain or justify why I choose a course of action to him. I do not have to validate my feelings. I do not have to try and change him so that I can feel better. I can make choices that alleviate my discomfort. Other people's reactions are not my responsibility. I can change my mind if my feelings change over time. I have a right to exist peacefully. I have a right to restrict the presence of somebody who disrupts my peace. I cannot control another person. I can take measures to protect myself. I am allowed to say no. I do not have to feel guilty for sayign no. I do not have to tolerate the anger, badgering or disrespectful behaviour from a person whom I have said no to.

Thanks for reading

kc

November 14, 2005
8:57 pm
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KC,

I'm sorry that your post was completely overlooked today!!!!!! Shame on me!!!!!

You are ALWAYS there to listen to me ramble and I'm here to do the same for you!!!

You are completely entitled to demand whatever you need from this man that makes your life more tolerable. You should NOT have to speak to him on the phone if it makes you uncomfortable and inevitably gives you one of those nasty "contact hangovers" when you hang up.

You are 100% responsible for YOU! You can suggest/request/demand whatever it is you want and need!!! It's a beautiful thing!!!!!!!!!

Keep it up. You're doing great!
I'm here if you need to vent some more!!

TC

November 14, 2005
9:02 pm
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kc30
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Hey

Thanks tc! I am feeling ok...just battling those voices...you know what I mean?

I find these are always the hardest times...setting the boundary. I tend to feel shaky for a day or two, but usually end up feeling FAB after a couple more pass.

I've got my friends backing me up too...like coming with me to get the baby, and if the girlfriend is there, they'll come to the door with me. It just helps me feel better to know someone has my back...keeps me detached.

I know I won't need that kind of support forever...just to get through this particular "growing pain" that I seem to be in.

I think I'm pretty close to the end of this painful process! Still some anger (jackass is my new fave word) but him being so insensitive and rude makes me deal with that part of it.

I still want to stick a fork in his eye though! But it'll pass 🙂

kc

November 14, 2005
9:09 pm
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I've had those voices this week too... although mine were a little bit different. They were leading me directly to my kids' Halloween sacks, telling me that I needed to eat 25-30 Butterfingers' Chocolate Bars!!!!!!!!!

Hey, it's not that bad!!! They ARE bite size, ya know!!!!!!

Damn voices!!

TC

November 14, 2005
9:11 pm
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kc30
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LMAO!

I know,....damn Halloween treats!! I hear them calling now...

Thanks for screaming with me too, btw. I suspect I'll do it again soon!! 🙂

November 14, 2005
9:32 pm
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KC,

Now I am LMAO!!!!!!!

I just read your post on the stalker thread. I don't want to respond to you there because this is TOTALLY off subject (SUBJECT being Waterman)... It is not about him or anyone else there, it's about ME.

You totally nailed it. So much so that I can't stop giggling!!!!!

I am so caught up in this, it is rediculous!!!! I got absolutely nothing done at work today AND, like you, I am usually in bed now... but I poured myself a glass of wine and I'm sitting in front of the computer, like it is my freakin' dinner date!!!!! Pathetic!!!

Bright side... I did not obsess ONCE today over the ex!!!! Woohoo!!!!!!

Thanks for the reality check!!! I'll clink my wine glass to "co-dependent, drama-filled distractions"!!!!

Cheers!!!

TC

November 14, 2005
9:37 pm
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O.K. Now I'm getting silly (might be the wine)... but I just read the new "Waterman" post. It made me laugh because of his name (not that there's anything wrong with it). It reminds me of Peterman from the Seinfeld show. Nooooooo.... it reminds me of Newman!!! Have you seen that show????

Whenever Newman walks into the room... Jerry gets an attitude and says "hello Newman".... all cold and angry. Waterman reminds me of that.
Whenever his name comes up, we all go "hello Waterman"....

OMG!!! I can't stop laughing!!!!!

TC

November 14, 2005
9:37 pm
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kc30
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LMAO with ya girlfriend!!

Yes, the sad truth is this drama helped to keep me distracted today as well.

At least I can say this in all honesty...we must be getting healthier if we can own our shit and find a way to laugh about it.

Cheers!

(Clink)

November 14, 2005
9:42 pm
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kc30
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Ok...You're cut off.

No wine for you!! (in the voice of the soup nazi from Seinfeld)

November 14, 2005
9:51 pm
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First it's the wine and then I start dancing around my living room like Elaine!!! Did you see that one????

The full body dry heave???? She was all thumbs!!!

Hysterical!!!

Sorry... I know... I'm losing it!!!! This is why I go to bed at 9:00 p.m. (because I get punchy when I get tired)...

I should turn in now before I say something I'll regret tomorrow... like, say I might forget your name and call you "Mulva"... hahahaha!!! Did ya see that one???

Someone needs to pull the plug on me now!!!!

Sorry...

TC

November 14, 2005
9:53 pm
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kc30
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Oh tc...I've seen 'em all!! Classics you speak of!! Pure, unadulterated classics!!

Festivus for the rest of us...oh, I need wine too!

November 14, 2005
9:59 pm
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kc30
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Holy hell tc...the board's on fire now!

Have you gone to bed yet?

November 14, 2005
10:00 pm
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Nope... I have a stiff neck and I think my feet are asleep, but I'm still here!!!! 😉

TC

November 14, 2005
10:08 pm
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kc30
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LOL!!!
Are you reading all the hot posts? I KNOW you are. I am...I'm itching to post too...but I don't know if I'm being sincere or just trying to jump into the fray because I feel like beating my head off the wall.

I'm thinking this...if there are certain posts that cause me to want to primal scream unendingly, I must be sharing some of the traits that are driving me batty...like playing the victim and making everything about me.

I have to SERIOUSLY look at this in myself. I know I've done it in the past...thought I was healthier, but I'm just itching tonight. I thought I was done playing the victim, but I'm feeling such a powerful reaction and it's baffling to me why!!

What do you think? I know we are a lot alike from many of the posts I've read. I welcome your thoughts (and anyone else who may be rubbernecking with us!...:)

kc

November 14, 2005
10:17 pm
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You bet I'm keeping up with the hot threads!!! I also feel like screaming endlessly... I've begun responding on several threads, started typing furiously and then decided against it! Like you said, it's like beating my head agaist a wall!

There is nothing more that I can say that I (or someone else) has not said already... so it is futile.

The thing that is keeping me hooked is that (I think)... I am waiting for the resolution. I want everyone to admit to their faults, kiss and make up (like they do in the movies)!!!!! From the looks of it, it aint gonna happen tonight!!!!! Sooooooo.... KC.... How do you and I know when it's time to call it a night? Since this is not a movie and there will not be a happy ending and the rolling of the credits, how do we know when to go to sleep?????????????? When the wine and popcorn are gone??????

Are we going to be sitting in front of our computer screens all night?????????? My neck seriously hurts, but I can't walk away!

To answer your question, from what I know about you... I don't think that you make everything about YOU. You have exhibited quite the opposite personality traits here. You are always gracious, kind and willing to offer gentle advice, and that's not just the wine talkin' ;)...

November 14, 2005
10:30 pm
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kc30
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awww...even if it is the wine, you're still sweet!

But in the real world, I know I do talk about my stbx alot. I wonder if I'm feeling this way because...oh oh oh...this is big...because I think it's time to just let it go. It's over...it's done. Hanging on, even just by bitching, is still a way of playing victim and hiding? Like..."poor me, this is what he did to me...he lied cheated was mean blah blah"...be nice to me because he was mean. Don't hold me as accountable as you would another because I'm wounded....

I don't know...maybe it's the wine...wait a minute, I'm not drinking!!:)

I do know this...I've played the victim a lot in my life. I didn't know it, but I did. I hid behind the bad things that had happened to me, and sort of used it as an excuse so that people would be nicer to me.

It's like I thought that the world needed to go easier on me than anyone else, and so I martyred myself or something....I'm still trying to figure it out. I dont' know...but I'm feeling some strong feelings that I need to figure out.

Thanks for listening though. There will be no resolution...from what I can see, people are accusing each other of doing the exact same thing. I can't help but think we all want to be heard but nobody wants to listen.

This one will take days to sort out and more than one poster will announce they are leaving. Remember the religious one way back...and the peacesoul controversy. Boys, that girl would let it fly on this one! She definitely didn't hold back (were you around then?)- crazy canuck that she is!

We should go to bed.

hiccup 🙂

November 14, 2005
10:42 pm
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You are sooooo wise KC!!!!! Honestly, I could have written your post myself!! Hey, did I just give myself a compliment? I think I did! (must be the wine again)... anyway...

What I'm trying to say is that it is so insightful of you to recognize that you are holding on the the last shred of your ex (not HIM personally, just the lost image of who you dreamed him to be) just by talking about him. It's funny. I thought about the EXACT same thing today. I wondered why I got such a sense of calm in my sould when I was telling stories about my ex (even bad ones)... It made me feel validated and "connected" to him in some way. It was honestly a PHYSICAL change I felt in me. The anxiety and tension disappeared temporarily. It was a "fix"... I totally recognized it as that too!!!!

I guess having people feel pity for us is a way of validating our pain... of making them understand that we are the way we are because of what we've gone through... good and bad. I know that is how I feel. I don't really want them to "pity" me in the sappy, condescending, look at the poor, pathetic loser way. Just to understand me.

Isn't that what we all want? To be understood?

TC

November 14, 2005
10:43 pm
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Wow! That's pretty profound tc.

I'm gonna actually write that down.

Damn girl...!

November 14, 2005
10:50 pm
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Oh KC... It's heating up again!!!!!! It's not only my neck anymore, my back is sore now and both of my legs have fallen asleep!!!!!!!!

Are you still here???????

November 14, 2005
10:56 pm
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((((kc))))), when it rains it pours, I think in our unhealthy AND our healthy tendancies. You are feleing more healthy and want to go gung-ho with it as I read...better to that extreme than the other!

Boundaries are good. Boundaries are good. Boundaries are good.

Just trying to put a new voice in your head.

If he feels you are making waves, that is HIS stuff. Don't won it, even a little bit. ou are not making waves, you are stopping unwelcome contact. Keep it simple. you jsut said "no", firmly and directly. You go girl!!!

Ah, the dram around here lately, I never need to talk to my ex again!!!LOL

November 14, 2005
11:00 pm
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That was "own it", btw!

November 14, 2005
11:08 pm
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kc30
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oh I posted But nothing bad...

I have to go to bed!!

wahhhhhhhhhhhhh

November 14, 2005
11:12 pm
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kc30
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Holy hell batman!!! This is a doozy! I feel like one of those people who stand around and watch the firemen battle the blaze!!

Man alive...I am trying to do what WD suggested earlier...show discipline and respect the guidelines.

But it's gettin' hard, I must confess.

November 14, 2005
11:13 pm
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Look Away! Look Away! GO not gently into that bright light!

G'night kc!

November 14, 2005
11:17 pm
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Oh Thanks KC... What a note to end the night on... Did I ever mention that my ex is a Fireman?!!! Wahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poor me!!!!!!!!

Kidding! Good night!

TC

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