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August 28, 2007
11:15 am
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openup
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Angry, verbally abusive husband has history of being abused physically as a child. He never uses physical abuse toward me (2nd marriage for both of us) but he's so angry and depressed so often that our marriage is nearly without feeling; that is to say, his anger has nearly destroyed all love I've felt for him. My sister, the doctor, says codependency on my part. That hit me between the eyes. My B.S. in Psychology leaves me with knowledge about the issues of anger (Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder most likely, though my husband is undiagnosed by a professional) and with codependency for me. I was an abused child; married a man (1st marriage) who abused me physically. I left him when the abuse turned toward our children. I have been through therapy (cognitive and prescription drugs) for depression and have been staying above the depression barrier (my words) for about seven or eight years now. Trouble is, the husband's abuse is real and unmanageable by him alone and I don't want to spiral into a depression again. He won't seek counseling or drug therapy. I need someone to talk to but can't afford time or dollars for more therapy. We weren't married when I went through major depression. He knows about it, though. I do not feel or THINK that I enable him in the usual sense of the word but since my sister threw out the word "codependency", I have been analyzing again. Talk to me, people. Help me with this. I'll write more later

August 28, 2007
11:24 am
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alien
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Sorry to hear about your situation! I think perhaps you need to protect yourself from him and you know it. And he may need to find himself alone in order to realize that he needs to heal his issues in order to be in a healthy relationship where both people are growing into healthier happier people as a result of being together. If you guys are loosing your feelings of self-esteem and worth, maybe you need to re examine how you choose to feel in this one short precious life you have. Do the best thing you can do to honour yourself! Best wishes

August 28, 2007
11:36 am
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_anonymous
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open- My husband was the same way angry and depressed. Over his past that had nothing to do with me. Seems like it is more important for them to hang on to their anger then it is to a relationship. He needs to end this relationship with his past before he can begin a relationship with you.
Does he drink, use drugs or take meds?He needs to own these issues and to take responsibility for them and you dont have to allow his behavior. It sounds like he might be using you as his emotional puching bag. His anger is displaced towards you. The only thing that really had an impact on my husband is when his anger and depression got so out of control that it landed him in jail. That is where he is now. That forced him to be completly and totally removed from me and his destructive life. Even at that point it had taken him over a month before it even dawned on him where this anger had gotten him (no where). Things had to get so bad and he had to hit rock bottom ( I told him I filed for divorce) before HE could understand and decide for HIMSELF that he wants and needs and will accept help. He was only able to get to this point on his own away from me. I have used the time away from him to put my life in order and to restore myself to where I was before I met him. I can tell by your post that your husbands lack of emotions have a negative effect on you and your marriage. Understandably so. Since your husbands anger, etc. defines your marriage and your emotional state you seem to be dependant on his problems to make or not make the marriage or you happy. This is logical. You cant do it alone. Anyone would be miserable around this man. It is up to you if you want to stay and things might not get bad they might get worse. Or go, so he can figure it out on his own and you can choose to surround yourself with emotionally nurturing people or just cutting this emotionally damaging one out. If he wants to be angry and depressed that is his choice, but you have the choice not to allow yourself to be around it.

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