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Borderline Personality Disorder
May 4, 2005
1:33 pm
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carbuff
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I have been separated for nearly 7 months now (wife left me) and have been posting on the “Separation advice” thread for some time. I have two kids that are living with me which she is involved with. My wife is a recovered alcoholic for the past 4 years. She went into recovery shortly after having an affair (4 years ago). I know she was having another affair when she left me and there may have been more than one guy. She has never admitted to having sex with another guy but I know she did. For the past 3 months we have been seeing each other on a regular basis and we have been going to counseling for the past 5 months. We are having sex.
She has a history of depression that runs in her family but she is no longer on any medication. The more time I spend with her I have noticed a pattern of behavior which is disturbing. In addition she is into witchcraft like performing spells. I found information on Borderline Personality Disorder and I found it fit my wife like a glove. To my surprise one trait that other people noticed is that she does not seam to know who she is and takes on personalities of other people when she is around them. It is like she does not have strong personality of her own. The other day she said it did not appear I really know who she is. She is a hard person to follow as she changes by the day but the pattern repeats itself. She may have been molested as a child but she is not sure. Her parent divorced when she was in her early 20’s and her family was somewhat dysfunctional, i.e. distant.
Recently when I was at her house she had left some papers by her bed and they had been ripped of her diary. It was clear she was having an affair before she left me and when I had mentioned I was no longer interested in counseling she said she felt bad which in her words was unexpected but she was also relieved. Her lasr entry was dated nearly 5 months ago. I am not sure why she left them in plain view where she would know I could easily read them. Is she testing me or does she want me to read them? She also has a page or two of sayings like “I am strong” etc.
It is really disturbing and even though I really love her I am worried. I am not sure what I should say in counseling if anything about what I read.

May 4, 2005
2:19 pm
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2bstrong
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Is there any way that you could have a private session with the (a) counselor to talk about what you have posted here?

My sister suffers from bpd--but doesn't have the same symptoms.

I don't know anything about couples therapy -- I think I would talk about it in the session if I thought it was something that could have an impact on the health of our relationship.

How are you doing, anyway carbuff?

2b

May 4, 2005
2:52 pm
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carbuff
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I have talked to the counselor by myself but not recently. The counselor thought she may have signs of being bipolar but as she is not going to conseling on her own it is realy hard for her to see the changes in her personality as I do.
I am doing ok but I feel like I am not grounded and mentioned that to my wife last weekend. I would like to be able to make plans to do things with the family but its not easy as I never know what she will say or how she will feel. The more I read about BPD the more it sounded like my wife. Its like a dance with her. She like the affection but makes it appear she can do without it.

May 4, 2005
3:11 pm
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2bstrong
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hey cb--

Someone has to acknowledge that they have a disorder for them to seek help. Why did she stop taking the medication? I'm so sorry to hear about all of the heartache you'be had. Did I read on another post that you have been separated since October?

Is there any way that you can still make plans with your family, or would it at least make headway if you suggested plans, but didn't expect anything one way or the other? At least you would have the satisfaction of putting forth the effort. I guess, bottom line is you want to be with them. I really understand how you feel.

May 5, 2005
1:29 pm
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ButterflysMommy
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I'm new here and newly diagnosed as CoD. My husband has BPD so I can sympathize. He left me 5 years ago to carry on an affair he had for 8 months and then came home. Now, we have an 8 month old daughter and he's recently left me again for an affair. He tells me every day he's coming home and that he loves me and our daughter and he's sorry he's hurting us. I want so much to begin recovery but I'm too torn apart right now to feel empowered enough to do it. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

May 6, 2005
1:59 pm
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carbuff
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The counseling session today ended with me saying that I was upset about the affairs my wife had and that we had not realy delt with it. I am upset that I was the responsible parent and she was off at business trips and seeing someone else.
Of course she got mad at that and said I cought her off gaurd and she was not having an affair and its not why she left me.
The counselor said there were few guys like me out their that would care as much as I do and be as good as I have been to her. My family and others have told me the same but maybe its my lack of self confidence that is showing through combined with how I feel for her. She even admits that most women would love being treated like I treat her. The counselor mentioned that maybe if I was not as available she would see me differently. I said that works for a period of time but over time it does not. I feel some people are either commited and know who they are and what they stand for or they do not. In my wife's case its all about her and she realy does not know what she stands for or realy who she is. Even our kids notice how she just talks about herself.
I am not sure where I am going from here. This weekends mothers day and I already have bought her some nice things.
The person she should be mad at is herself and not me.

May 6, 2005
3:44 pm
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carbuff
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Is it possible to get over an affair/ affairs? I was strugling the last couple of days as I somehow need to have my wife admit to what she has done and feel some remorse for it for me to move past it but I am not sure that will help either. Advise hear would be nice.
I feel for counseling to help we need to work on these issues and I know the counselor feels that same way in fact she was glad I brought the issue up. She said in the last session that we made a mistake the first time 4 years ago not properly addressing it.
My wife said she thought I was past it. I know she does not want to discuss it. If anyone has had a similar issue I am all ears.

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