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Borderline personality anyone?
May 15, 2005
7:57 am
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Tapestry
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I was wondering if anyone has experience with a BPD partner. I'm in a 5 year relationship with one and could use some words of wisdom.

May 15, 2005
10:27 am
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Tapestry
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I stay with this person because I am saddened and feel there is no one that cares enough to help. I see the promise of a healthy relationship and then is slips away. I can't knowingly hurt someone but then I relize I am. Me. Am I codependent?

Further info:

http://www.bpdresourcecenter.o.....g/what.htm

An excerpt....
The effect upon others of all this trouble is profound: family members never know what to expect from their volatile child, siblings, or spouse, except they know they can expect trouble: suicide threats and attempts, self-inflicted injuries, outbursts of rage and recrimination, impulsive marriages, divorces, pregnancies and abortions; repeated starting and stopping of jobs and school careers, and a pervasive sense, on the part of the family, of being unable to help.

May 15, 2005
11:11 am
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exoticflower
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Oh, I think I have that...I think I have just about every mental illness when I see it though!

In honesty, Tapestry, it doesn't sound so different than a relationship with an alcoholic, which is also a disease that effects everyone involved and is treatable but not curable. You are certainly in the right place.

For me, remembering that I can only make things better for me helps--not lately if you've seen my posts, but in past it has seen me through some pretty hard times to take care of myself and not neglect my own needs.

May 15, 2005
11:13 am
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exoticflower
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Is your partner seeking some sort of treatment for himself? You can only do so much, you can't change it for him. He'll tap you out and you'll both be at a loss if he doesn't seek help elsewhere, I would imagine.

May 15, 2005
11:35 am
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Tapestry
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exoticflower, and others that read, i hope this is not an issue on this site but this is a same sex issue; my partner, a women, has taken many steps to get better but none of the steps are real in my opinion. It's whatever it takes to get by. I wonder if my personality is what she sought out when looking for her next partner. I feel so used.

May 15, 2005
11:37 am
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Anonymous
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If you've read any information on BPD, you'll know that it is the most difficult type of mental illness to treat. In fact, many clinicans do not even like to deal with these individuals due to their impulsivity, low rate of recovery, and high incident of suicide. (Of course, this reaction on the part of clinicans is not ethical.) However, there is hope. If you man is commited to recovery and works had to learn healthy ways of coping, he can beat this disorder. The question is how dedicated is he to changing. You also have to ask yourself if you are happy in this relationship. Don't stay with him because you feel guilty. In the long run, you won't be doing him or youself any good. Good luck!

May 15, 2005
11:58 am
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exoticflower
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Tapestry, I don't think anyone has any problems with same sex relationships here, and if they do, I'm sure that they realize that this is not the apropriate forum for such. We are all walking the same path here, this site is for support, not judgement.

I read up some after I posted last, and it looked to me like there are different levels of severity--that this is something more easily treated early on. I also saw that family memebers need their own counceling, it is emotionally taxing on everyone. Why does your partner avoid getting help? DOes she think that there is nothing wrong? Has she been proffessionally diagnosed? Is she scared? If you can start by trying to get some help for YOU, you need to be strong if you are going to help her.

You said earlier that you felt that no one else cared enough...is that the only reason you are with this woman? If so, you are not doing either of you any favors! I assume that is not all there is to it though. I am currently trying to decide whether it is worth continuing a relationship that is unsatisfactory and just working on my end of it or not--it's hard. I have to look at our situation a lot, but I have to look at ME twice as much...it's the only part of this that I have any control over. I've just become so accustomed to very carefully controlling everything, even manipulating the situation in the hopes of making everything go smoother--it's hard to give that control up. THere is a book I just started, "How one of you can bring the two of you togeather" by Susan Page. It's mostly about healing your relationship, but there is some stuff on tackling big problems, and it's all about YOU, which helps.

May 17, 2005
6:08 am
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Tapestry
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My partner has been in therapy since she was a child. Her mother was mentally abusive, her father physically abusive to her mother. I suspect to her too but that hasn't been discussed. From what I can see, she seems to drop one therapist for another when she's not getting her way or if things don't go her way. She is an only child. Parents split a long time ago and her mom passed away Sept 2001. (Not from 911).

I left my partner in Nov 2004 after a manic episode escalated for the first time resulting in lots of broken glass. I took a stand that violence in my home would not be tolerated. I was asked many times if I ever thought I was in danger and the answer was always no. This time I wasn't sure. I was on the run for 12 weeks. A very humbling experience for me that's for sure. She really took that as a wakeup call. She found her current therapist, was on a very specific med management and really started to take responsibility for her mental health.

And here's the problem. I see the person I fell in love with from time to time. We go from honeymoon to arguing and the deregulation of emotions really affects me. We own our home together. She doesn't work. She has her own money so her not working is not a financial burden. It's more the idle mind/devils workshop issue. I am a senior executive in a NYC firm and really love what I do. Of course, she sees my career as a threat. It takes my time away from her.

I am leaving tomorrow for a business trip and will probably get ambushed when trying to walk out the door. We have some really bad history with my business travel. She's paged me in the airport. She's tracked me down in a hotel. One time I was speaking to the board of directors in a meeting across the country and the event manager came in to get me, "There's an emergency.." It was her unable to get me on my cell phone. so you may be wondering if I left, what happened. I was living first with my folks. They are still married after 47 years. That got too intense and then I stayed with a friend.

I found out I needed to be in Sicily for 3 weeks and only had a few days notice. I was paying at the time all the bills in our house (She has since become financially responsible) and needed access to my home. I wasn't going to play the victim anymore. It's my house too. I drove to the house for the first time in 12 weeks, never stalked, never called and hung up, the no contact club would be proud... but let me tell you it was very strange. I called from the car outside the house. she had no idea i was there. I said I needed to come in. "It's your home too." was her response. I came in, the house was clean. Candles, fresh flowers around, she was dressed and was cooking. 180 degrees from the person I left 12 weeks prior. I stayed a few days, got myself prepared for my trip, slept in my own bed for the first time in the time I was away. (She put herself in the spare bedroom) I was exhausted. I left for Sicily, no incidents while I was away. I got back and came back to the house. And didn't leave.

Here's the deal. I truly believe I am an enabler with a savior complex. My being back has caused her to take things easy, she's cut back (With DR. approval I understand) on her meds. She threatens she is finding a new therapist because she knows I think this one is good for her. she seems to enjoy drama and chaos. I am also in therapy and used to be on meds for anxiety and depression. But you know what? Who wouldn't be anxious in the situations I find myself in? And boy is this a depressing situation so I took my life back, haven't been on meds for almost a year now. The things I feel are situational and not a result of anything that needs medication. That's my current stand anyway.

I hope I haven’t bored anyone.

May 23, 2005
4:40 pm
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feather
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Hi Tapestry,

You may find this additional site helpful to you. It is for those who are involved with someone who has borderline personality disorder.

The BPD in my life never got better and I finally had to save myself and leave the relationship.

[email protected]

Codependents are magnets for alcoholics, drug addicts and as I have recently learned,the mentally ill.

Take care,

Feather

May 23, 2005
6:53 pm
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InPainZHT
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OH, how I understand what you both are saying... and feather, I agree about being a magnet for alcoholics and drug addicts. 5 of the 6 of the major relationships in my life were with drug addicts, the last one that I JUST got out of (after one bout of "let's try to make it work again", blah blah blah) turned out to be a heavy crystal methamphetamine junkie who used marijuana, muscle relaxers and mood enhancing drugs while she couldn't get her meth.

She, according to my therapist, sounds as though she may have BPD; she refuse to go to a therapist to see what's wrong with her, though, because she thinks that therapy "is against her religion" (nevermind that my own therapist is christian).

Now, you want to talk INSANITY? imagine the BPD world clashing with AD(H)D and also a heavy narcotics use... from week to week I didn't know if I was Mother Theresa or Adolf Hitler, and the same with her friends and family; What made the situation even worse, and ultimately contributed to ENDING it, was that she couldn't quite make up her mind if her Ex was evil to be shunned.... or a misunderstood good boy with whome she couln't stay away from.

Go read my artical from several months back with "Can I Vent?" in the title.... sheesh.

InPain (but not really anymore)

May 23, 2005
10:53 pm
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Tapestry
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Thanks Feather, I've found the site and checked out the book. Be in touch.

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