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Boomer needs help
August 8, 2000
11:21 am
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arnier
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I am 54 years old and I have no friends. I've had a few through my life but none that have been lasting. I have had 53 jobs in my life time and I have never had a major success of any kind. I have raised and married off a boy and a girl and I have been divorced and remarryed once. I have 3 grandchildren (one adopted) and a forth on the way. I have recently quit a job due to extrene stress and it has been nearly 3 months and I am just now beginning to feel that stress go away. As I get older and gain greater maturity I am beginning to reaslize that all of the frustration and stress and discontent and disappointment and failures that have occurred in my life I have been bottling them up inside and since I do not have any friends in which to share my experiences, I have kept most of them to myself. All of this stored grief is definitely effecting my quality of life. Although not depressed to any great extent, I am frequently angry and sad. The anger sometimes turnes to rage and it is really hard to control the rage. I have a very loving relationship with my wife, but the stuff that's bottled up inside of me are not things I would be comfortable sharing with her. At least not in it's entirety. I need to find a group of people, preferrably my peers, that I can site down with and vent some of this frustration and discontent. I've reached a point in my life where if I don't find some answers pretty sonn about who and what I am and what I really can do, I will missed out and my life will have produced nothing of any significance. The thought of dying without having left so much as a small mark or bot having left a single friend is very depressing and sad. Is there someone out there who can direct me to a vent or help me find some answers.

August 8, 2000
12:08 pm
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Cici
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Group therapy is a good way to find connections among your peers and psychological help.

I have to say that you should try talking to your wife. She is there for you out of choice, and women are a lot more empthic and understanding than men are. We tend to talk out our issues, while men tend to keep to themselves, so she probably has a lot of practice listening to her friends and giving them advice, and listening to her children and giving them advice.

August 8, 2000
2:40 pm
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Molly
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Arnier-- You sound like my husband just before I left him, he was in the same place, he just shut down, and never shared anything that was going on with him. He has several aquaintences, but the freindships that he did have were not close. He went to a few seminars while we were appart, as well as formed a few close friendships, he also joined a gym, where again he met more males to bond with. He also read Gail Sheeheys book Mens Passages, which helped to validate that he was a)not alone, b)going through the "change". I don't know how you are physically, but he also discovered several medical issues that contributed to his physical, which ultimately effected his emotional responses. Over the years that we were together his rage grew, he no longer has that. What ever it was he was able to work through it through the counseling sessions and most of all the group process where he discovered where his anger, and feelings origionated from, I don't know the details, and I don't care, I have my man back. He has a renewed outlook on life, is more comfortable with him self, and completed something with his children(not our) that I have no knowledge of , but the relationship, is greater than he ever imagined. There is all sorts of support for women who are aging, and starting the change, but no one discusses male menopause! Again not jumping the gun on anything, but how is the sex life? My hubby had a hard time expressing him self before we seperated and I thought it was me, or another woman. It was him, he realized he wasn't a 17 year old who used to be able to get it up when the wind blew, and thought his life was over. Between his low testosterone, blood pressure meds, and diabetes, not to mention, over weight, and out of shape, he was depressed. A different little head,big head problem. The exercise,reading, counseling, the testosterone, and yes he has used Viagra, (it is scarey how that works, and never gives me a warning) all worked. I hope that this is not to vulgar for you, it is just my experience with one man that turned 49 last January. I am grateful that I had the wisdom to give it another chance. He still doesn't talk much, but that is ok, he is from Mars, and gets to go to his cave when he needs to. I understand that you may not want to talk to your wife about these issues, I have worked with many men in therapy, and they would never share with their wives what they allow them selves to share with me. There is no risk with me, as with any counselor that you would choose to expose your self doubt to. I know Tez on this thread is a wise older soul, perhaps he also would share what he has learned on his quest. I got allot of support on these threads during my seperation where I swore I would never go back, and took some flack from some because I did, but trust your instincts, you came to the right place to start. Good luck to you, don't throw in the towl, you are to young, a boomer too.

August 11, 2000
6:45 am
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Hey there Arnier,
just my thoughts here, but dont throw the baby out with the bath water.
try to remember raising kids and grandkids is the BIGGEST of achievements, after all biologically there isn't really any other reason for any of us to be here other than to do just that - and do it well!

also, your wife is your friend - your best friend. maybe you can't share some of this with her but you will never know how close you could be if you don't try.

but also just talking to us here can really help . So many of us have been feeling the wsay you are right now and the support we got here was amazing. this site changed my ife in many ways, because it changed ME and how i think about things, just through being able to discuss stuff with people anonymously. I know others here feel the same way about this site.
It is like a big bank of understanding - sometimes you take out and sometimes you give back.

But try to remember that alot of these feelings are part of depression, and depression increases due to these feelings! a vicious circle, but feeling alone and friendless is often amplyfied the more and the longer you retreat into yoruself.

Even with real life freinds I found that often they were not the best people to talk to about this stuff anyway, talking to my partner, family and people here has actually been more helpful to me than ever talking to any friends was - I guess I just had a idealistic way of what friendship is, but in reality we need all sorts of relationships, and we need close ones as well as light, shallower ones.

try to be a little easier on yourself - opening up is hard tos tart with but it really does release the pressure. Why do you think you feel aprehensive about opening up to people? may be if you start to think more about the whole issue of how that makes you feel then things will get a little clearer and you will e able to see the next stage ahead.
Peace
Hazza

August 11, 2000
9:04 pm
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Hazza.

Hey, do you ride a 'sickle'? If so what make, model, cc etc?

I've found my big, throbbing, 1100cc Yammy Virago cruiser better than any Viagra. šŸ™‚ S'pose yah ride a bloody, Harley.

August 13, 2000
8:53 pm
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peck
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hi arnier.
I am 39 years old and share the same experience. I live in a thirteen room house by myself and have no friends. My son and daughter live with there mother not too far from me, yet they call when they need something. They are pretty much all I have, yet they don't even know me. How could I expect to talk to them about my issues, much less expect them to understand me for me. I am trying to start a business. I work in corporate nursing for insurance companies and it can leave you empty at the end of some days. I go home and watch TV or get on the internet. I can empathize completely when you talk about issues bottled up and the inability to vent them. If you find a group or place, let me know. I will check your string from time to time. good luck.

August 14, 2000
1:30 pm
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hazza
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Hey Tez!
I have a Honda 100 in the garage going rusty!
yep 100 cc of rip roarin power!
never rode it much because I got this damn Agoraphobia and then got afraid of everything!! did the first part of my test though! but now the law has changed in the uk so I don't know what I will have to do when I finally pluck up courage!
did my car test too, but still to scared to drive alone!

but I've done a far bit of pillion miles in my time! left home at 17 with a boyfriend and a Honda 350! did a lot of Europe. We sailed past all the harleys on the high mountain passes cos their engines didn't seem to like the altitude!

other than that, dont get out an a bike much at all now! dumped all my old friends and became boring, but happier (odd how that works?)

so a virago huh? quite nice my friend! I had a mate with one of them but he was such a laid back hippy type that he never did over 30 mph on it. should have had my bike if that was all he wanted to do.

still good old days, I am sure when my nerves repair I will be back in the saddle some how.
take care on the Yammy
Haz

August 15, 2000
5:36 am
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arnier
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To my good friends Tez and Hazza, be nice, get out of my thread. I'm genuinely trying to work out some problems and none of them include motorcycles. Thanks guys for understanding.

August 15, 2000
5:47 am
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arnier
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Over the past week I have gotten to see a psychiatrist and he has made some significant suggestions. First, contact the doctor who 5 years ago prescribed some medication that may now be contributing to my condition.
Secound, I have found a one-on-one psychoanalyst and I will be seeing him for the first time tomorrow. Third, I have a lead on a peer group local to me and I am following up on that.
Finally, I've discovered ANDROPAUSE and the mid life crisis. I have read a pamphlet that describes my condition almost exactly. So bottom line is, I am going through mid life crisis with a few side issues all of which if attended to properly will probably go away in a few months. (I hope my wife can keep me from buying that Ferrari).
Thanks to you all for the support and as this unfolds I will report my progress.

P.S. I'm thijnking of asking my old boss for my job back. This is the job that I had the stress attack on. What do you guys think?

August 15, 2000
10:31 am
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Cici
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This depends on whether you think you can handle it. I am a firm believer in the power of positive thinking (although when I'm on a downswing, I have ahard time following my own advice). Think you can do it, then you can do it.

I recently went to see my doctor because I was having mood swings, headaches and back pain, tnesion in my jaw and trouble sleeping. She prescribed Buspar and Sonata (sleeping pills) and for the first time in a long time I feel relaxed and happy and more able to focus on things. (I hope this continues)

So work with your psychoanalyst but also consider seeing a psychiatrist for a prescriptioin medication (although you might be a bit wary after hearing a prescription you take may have caused depression).

Could you say what the prescription that you think made you depressed is? I'm a psychology student with a lot of knowledge about pharmacology and this is interesting to me.

August 15, 2000
2:41 pm
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Arnier,congrats sir, with respect to the job, as long as you can identify what the stressors were, put a label on it, you can dis-empower it. You having identified the issue,can then controll it vs, it controll you. As long as all the other factors satisfy your needs and it is calling to you, do it. heck you can quit again!!! If you do, then you know and are complete, like my going back to my man, I never would have known, if I hadn't tried it. I confess too, that when I left my husband,and by the way, he had been living in a hotel in limbo for 6 months before I did leave, I had quit a job due to the stress, but I discovered that I truly missed the challenge, and the rewards of that work. I know now what caused the stresses, and they have called to ask me back,I turned them down the first few calls due to the ultimate inpact of my working on our reconcilliation, but things could not be greater,other than the fact that he is often off due to changes of meds, the side effects of some of the drugs are so subtle, it is hard to diagnose, he too realized that much of his depression, attitude, was medically induced, but it is his KNOWING, the source that makes the difference. Good luck, oh and as a side bar, he didn't get a motor cycle, but did buy 2 seedo's while I was gone.

August 16, 2000
6:27 am
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Arnier,
sorry if you found my and tez's aside a distraction, but then that happens on a lot of threads. You will notice that I did start of joining this thread by writing to you!
I don't like to be told what to do, so it would be nice if you ask first okay?
We are all here because we have issues and we get great help from each other, but we also do tend to get to know each other and side track a bit.
I will try not to let this happen again, and I see your point entirely. But you will se if you read other threads that we cna get a bit off track at times.
back to the main issue though! I is great that you recognise what you are going through - it helps to put things in perspective.

Do you think that if you returned to work you would find the job still as stressful? Sometimes stress comes because we are not deep down enjoying our life - are you sure that your job was something you liked deep down anyway?
like Molly said, it is a good way to understand what happened before, by trying again you can see if it was the condition you were in or the job itself that was causing the unhappiness.
Take care
Hazza

August 16, 2000
8:02 am
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arnier
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Molly, I beleive I have always known what the stresses were. What I hadn't realized was that on top of the stresses from my boss, I was taking on too much work. Trying to please all of the people all of the time. I beleive that I really enjoyed that job and earlier before things went sour I was planning at least a ten year stay with the company. In the first year and half of the two year stay, I was having a ball. I was getting along with everyone and getting high praise from the management on a regular basis.
At some point something changed with my boss and he began to be far too demanding without having any consideration for the impact he was having on me and the duties I had for others in the company . And this is to your point Hazza. I can clearly define the problem, I just don't know what the solution is going to be.
In any case, I am visiting the psychoanalyst for the first time today and I will pose the question to him. I'll let you know how that comes out. I am tending toward sending the e-mail to my ex boss asking for the job but I want to get a professional opinion before I jump off this board.
My concern is that it may cause more harm than good at this point. I don't know.
Hazza, I apologize for seeming demanding, "but in my fragile state of mind" I perceived you two as intruding. But thanks for the lesson.
Thank you all for your contributions, you are are helping.
I will post again after the meeting this afternoon. Thank you, Thank you.

August 17, 2000
11:06 am
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arnier
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Well, I've seen my therapist for the first time last night and although the meeting was only introducctory, we did cover the subject of me asking for my old job back. Well, he agreed that it would be a good idea and so I have sent off an e-mail this morning and I am waiting for a response.
More to come.

August 17, 2000
12:56 pm
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Sounds good!! Management is a strange bird, too often we learn quickly who the ones are that can get the job done, and pile them up, then glaze over with amazement when the dependable one falls apart from the unrealistic expectations. I hope you try the men's group too, if it is a good match, I think you will find that it will complement your personal therapy. Not only that you will see that you are not the only fruit cake in the fridge, pardon the humor. Women have done that sort of thing since the beginning of time. We never stop our hackeling, as you can tell by the legnthy posts,but men for some reason seem to shut down and internalize, thus physical dis-ease. My thoughts, from experience. Life is just plain hard today, and moving much to fast, need to go back to smelling the flowers. good luck in your efforts,

August 18, 2000
5:53 am
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Arnier,
your story sounds so similar to mine!
left a very stressful job due to the fact that I just kept on taking on more and more and couldn't cope anymore. (long story short that it!)

have you explored the issues of co-depepndency?

I realised that with me, I was always trying to get approval or validation from my bosses - (I had 2 bosses there, one who I liked a lot and one who hated me!)

That was where I went wrong - I had so little confidence in my own abilities that I kept trying harder and harder to do well - giving 110 per cent until I exhausted myself.

All the time I got appreciated, it though I was enjoying myself - but really my enjoyment was always in other peoples hands - if they liked my work then good - I had a good day, but if they were in a mood, I would getstressed out and feel very insecure about my job.

Of course, looking back - with me doing all this giving, I was the best employee they had - so nmuch so that they fired 2 other people there and I had to take on their roles as well as My own!! that was when it got too much and I realised that despite working my butt off for these people, the boss that hated me still had no respect for me whatsoever.

He was them made managing Director and was so opbnoxious that I just woke up one day and couldn't face any more of it - I literally couldnot go in. My doctor signed me off and I left.

My other boss, the nice - who founded the UK branch of the company, and the other 2 remaining staff left after I did! and hopefully now, that horrid man realises what a jerk he is LOL!

I personally would never go back for a million pounds! but each case is different. And I think that only you know what it the right thing for you.

I would say as a word of caution though, if you return be aware of any early signs of feeling the way you did before, as this is the indicator to tell you more information about what it is that is the issues in play.

For example, if you find a pattern where your good days are directly linked to whether or not your boss approves - then that would indicate that maybe you are too focused on YOUR perceptions of how he?she feels.
If you find yourself getting stressed and getting obsessed about finshing a certain task, then maybe that would indicate you were being too perfectionist with yourself and expect too much of yourself etc.

it is no good going back unless you can learn what you need to learn from the experience about yourself and how you became so stressed int he first place- that way you could end up in the same boat.
if you return and can analyse the feelings you get and observe yourself, then you could get some valuable information about yourslef and what issues in YOu you need to work on in oder to not suffer anxiety problems in the future.

I don't know much of your circumstances obviously, but do look into the whole area of anxiety related stress disorders, because I think maybe the Andropause is a little too big an umbrella to lable yourself and maybe if you read up on anxiety or co-dependency, you may find there are some issues in those fields that you can relate to. Once you find the various "conditions" for want of a better word , that feel close to what you have experienced it is far easier to find the best recovery.

My issues are anxiety based, I have learned heaps about myself and my mind and body. I have only reached a happier place by seeing these things in myself and making some radical changes about how I relate to people around me.

I have learned in retrospect how I was giving more and more of myself to everyone around and lost myself int he process - I am a much more selfish person now, and I have learned to say NO! but I am happier and the relationships I have with people around me now are far better because respect is now a 2 way thing, as I demand that people show me the same respect that I show them.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and remember whatever advice anyone gives you, always listen to yourself too - you will know what makes sense and what doesn't if you are brutally honestwith yourself. You will know what adivice is good and what isn't!

Peace
Hazza

August 24, 2000
1:28 pm
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arnier
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Well I made the attempt to get my old job back and that didn't work. My old boss just simply said that he enjoyed doing my job and that was the way it was going to stay.

Frankly, I'm glad because it probably would have wound up the same way a few weeks or months down the road.

With that out of the way, I am still left with the problem of no job, UI about to run out and my drive, ambition and need to succeed have all left me. I am at a point now where I just don't care anymore. I have no desire to try anything new or to do any kind of work at all. I am just plain tired of the constant struggle for so little reward.

Most days I feel like crying and in fact I have broken down twice in the last little while. The only relief for me these days is the bicycle rides that I take with my wife in the evening. I feel envigorated from them but unfortunately, the feeling only lasts for an hour or so.

Mornings are not bad either until I've had a chance to look at the day ahead. Usually there is nothing to look forward to and although I don't want to do anything I am feeling bored and lonely. I'm afraid to try anything right now because of my state of mind. I feel so low and I don't want to show that to anyone. It's bad enough that my wife and daughter have to see it.

I don't know where this is going and I'm hoping that the shrink can give me some answers over the next few weeks. It will take several weeks for the meds to kick in too. All I do is wait and hope and that seems to be diminishing as well.

August 24, 2000
2:43 pm
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I have been through the burn out period too. I honostly believe that it is harder for a man, just because of the way life is. I think exercise is very very important if you can, it will help the chemicals in the brain, I also think that you should write. Your thought feelings, and play with poetry, the rhymes will make you laugh to your self. Try to stay away from the paper, and the news. Watch funny stupid, meaningless programs, play around in the kitchen learn how to make pasta or something but keep doing. Think about when you were a child and what brought you pleasure and recognition, I know looking for a job at our age in its self is depressing. The lack of money puts pressure on you, but if you can take time, it will come to you, you will get boared, rested and ready to do something. Your focuses may be changing, and heck its ok to flip burgers hell they make 35k now a days. Just keep on keeping on, surf the net, there are lots of jobs, and resume sections to view, and may stimulate your thoughts. hang in there.

August 26, 2000
11:19 am
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Hi there
Like Molly said the excersise is a very good thing - keep doing it - in fact do more!

Have you thought about doing a couple of days work at a charity for free? it may be a good way to rebuild your confidence in your working abilities but without any pressure - because yo are giving yourself freely?

that is something you could do while looking for the right job and it would help give youa focus.

just an idea
Haz

August 29, 2000
8:21 am
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arnier
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Not much new to tell this morning. I am joining a relaxation clinic today for a 12 week course. That should help me beat the stints of aggitation I go through 3 or 4 times a week. Maybe able to calm down and start to reorganize my thoughts again.

The shrink and I have come to one major conclusion, that the fact that I am not sleeping properly and haven't been for years and years is probably the root of the problem. No sleep, increased tiredness, increased depression. Probably been depressed to some extent for 20 years.

Between the relaxation therapy, some short term sleep drugs and a positive attitude (wherever that will come from) should bring a change in direction and perhaps a way out of this rut that I have been in for so long.

I am also seeing the original sleep doctor that did the tests on me 5 years ago tomorrow. He and I are going to discuss the Ritilin drug that he originally perscribed. His aproach to the problem was to treat the daytime drowziness that I experience with Ritilin and hopefully that would push the drowziness to the end of the day and I would sleep better. Well, needless to say, that never worked and at the recommendation of the analyst, I have stopped the Ritilin.

It has only been 3 days so far so I don't know yet the effects.

Well that's where I am today and I will fill you in on some more later after I go to this clinic today.

As far as the volenteering is concerned, I will look into that and let you know what I find.

August 29, 2000
12:56 pm
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Just try to remember to laugh. We are taking life all to seriously. I liked your comment where ever that comes from. That sleep issue could be right on, I had no idea when I took my job at the clinic, and totall changed my hours around that it would wreak such havoc on my system. I think that the sleep deprevation was a signifigant factor in my depression, which supported the lack of exercise, and the weight gain. Its a nasty state to be in. Then when I left the clinic my body again needed to adjust, I was given .5mg of ativan. it is an anti anxiety drug that clears out of the system quickly, it allowed for a peaceful night where I fineally slept again all the way through, no morning groggies, so I could go walk the dog, and then get on with things.

September 3, 2000
1:59 pm
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arnier
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Molly, could you e-mail me at "[email protected]". I would like to speak to you a little more privately.

September 4, 2000
10:14 pm
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Let me know if it did not go through, sent Monday afternoon.

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