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BONDAGE & MASTER/SLAVE RELATIONSHIPS
August 25, 2006
9:49 pm
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penny lane
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I have just met a man who I am attracted to for several reasons..but just found out he likes to add a bit of spice to his sexual life with bondage and games of that nature...I have never participated but an open minded..MY QUESTION IS: has anyone had a successful long standing relationship with someone who enjoys this style of sexual activity and has it had any negatvie effects on you emotionally?

This man is a recovering addict after 10 years...successful in his career and seemingly doing fine with life....Can anyone shed some light on this??

August 26, 2006
8:56 am
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Robert123
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Yes ...watch yourself...better yet, educate yourself on sexual fetishes. Then ask yourself, is this really who I want to become?

August 26, 2006
9:49 am
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StronginHim77
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This man is a control freak and probably also a woman-hater. He is into LUST, not love.

I see "red flags" all over the place.

- Strong

August 26, 2006
10:05 am
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Anonymous
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penny lane,

I suppose you could tell him that you are also into bondage and such games ... only bondage of the man. You could tell him that you like to tie men up and beat them, that that's how you get your kicks. I'll bet I know what he'd say to that. :o)

Seeker

August 26, 2006
10:09 am
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CAMER
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you're going to have to decide if you like bondage and want to participate, just be careful, since you just met this man, not sure if its months or many months, but be careful.

August 26, 2006
10:16 am
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loverbee
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I think it is a little ignorant to overgeneralize and say that every one who likes bondage only wants to control people. Everyone has sexual fetishes and the question I would have is, is that his entire sex life? Cause if it isn't, and if he just wants to add it in occasionally then maybe its just to keep things fresh and an interesting thing to do. If he is obsessed with it then you should watch out. But people, lets be a little less judgemental. I have tried it a few times and I am not a sicko but when you are in a six year relationship, you gotta try things that are new. So just be more openminded. It is really your loss to judge someone like that cause you could be missing out and if you arent into it then you don't know. I am not even saying that you know if you have tried it, you don't know what is going on unless you enjoy it cause you cant say what others think.

August 26, 2006
10:52 am
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penny lane
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Thank you for the opinions I requested...he claims his sexual life is "normal" but likes this as an additive...again...I dont know him..but I can say our initial beginning has been wrapped in sexual flirtation via email and lots of sexuality...we have met once..he lives long distance from me...I guess I am concerned also that a recovering addict might have replaced his addictive nature with this sexual facet...I dont believe he hates women...but I do think he is into control...any other opinions out there???

August 26, 2006
11:28 am
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ggfred4
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Penny, I just have to say "BE CAREFUL"; apparently if you are asking us about it, you have some concerns, right? We can all say how we feel about it, but you have to decide how you feel about it. From a person who was sexually abused as a child, the last thing I could handle would be any sort of bondage; I would freak out. Just don't do anything unless you want to, not what he wants.

August 26, 2006
11:37 am
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moving0n
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I think that sort of activity requires a massive amount of trust and faith in your partner. I know part of the thrill is the vulnerability, but there is a fine line between being vulnerable and being unsafe. Even if it is a game or a fantasy, bondage and domination have psychological effects on people. Only you can decide if that's an element that you want to deal with.
I guess it's good that he's upfront about it... but I agree with the PPs, recovering addicts are so easily disposed to sexual addictions. I say proceed with caution, this is certainly not something to rush into.

August 26, 2006
1:21 pm
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penny,

I agree with the consensus here that you should be very careful. I think sometimes the exhortations to "be more open-minded" can cause us codeps to abandon our inner voice which is telling us to stay away from something that we recognize could harm us.

It sounds like there is a lot of energy going toward "seduction" in your approach to each other. If you start heading down the kinky road right away, I think you're putting yourself on a shaky foundation.

Control issues are BIG. And they can cause a lot of pain. Stand back a bit and study the red flags.

all the best, kroika

August 26, 2006
1:45 pm
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lightchaser
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Penny:

I know its fun to flirt online and the sexual energy is exciting, but you know when you meet you might not feel the attraction to the real man that you do online. It puts you in a pretty bad situation when and if you finally meet this guy. The sex will be expected because you've been talking baout it online. You may feel "obligated" due to the nature of the things you said tio him online.

I think you have to be very,very careful about what you say online. I learned that the hard way and ran into the situation above, I said all this stuff and then felt like there was no going back, no taking back the sexual things that I said. I felt like I had to really be that person I was online, and really that is not me until I get to know someone much,much better. It just leads one into this false sense of intimacy

I don't think that there is anyuthing wrong with bondage. However, and this is a BIG however, usually when couples experiment with this in a LASTING relationship, it is when they fully trust one another. They have a normal sex life and then one or the other may ask their partner if they are willing to try it. there should be no pressure. For me someone just coming out and saying " hey, I'm into bondage, if we go out I'm gonna wanna tie you up and spank you" is a red flag. They are letting you know thats what they are into and they would expect you to succumb to that "fetish". It sounds like to big a part of who this guy is to be safe, really.

I would be very concerned unless what you are looking for is sex and not a long-term relationship. Thats fine, if thats what you want, but still be careful before you let yourself be vulnerable to someone you don't know or trust. If you are looking for more than just sex, this relationship seems like maybe not one to pursue.

Light

August 26, 2006
2:01 pm
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loverbee
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I agree that it is all about trust. I have experimented with it at times and I definitely had to wait until we had total trust in eachother. We experimented after about four years of being together. It was fun but I would be concerned if your beau is an ex addict. That would be something I would be weary of because so much of addiction is about control. Those are my thoughts.

August 26, 2006
2:41 pm
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pcbutterfly2200
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i think that you should wait until you are in long term relationship with someone you know and trust before you give your self up like that.if it doesnt work out with you guys it may be something you regret.on the other hand if you are in a comitted relationship you will feel open to anything.i didnt experiment sexually until i met my husband and it is wonderful.i especially wouldnt even consider these things with someone i only met once.i hope you think this is good advice.good luck.by the way what is your realationship stsus now?dating ,married divorce...etc...?

August 26, 2006
3:22 pm
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Matteo
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Penny lane, I agree with moving on that this kind of sexual activity requires total trust and understanding at least sexually with your partner, and I imagine that this activity would not happen in the beginning of your sexual relationship. Not everybody has fetishes in their sex life, and he said that this is not his fetish - not an element absolutely necessary to get sexual satisfaction, but just an activity to spice sex life altogether, so I wouldn’t be worry; this is most probably what he likes, but also something what he may go without in his sex life.

I would proceed with caution, and first of all try to figure out how far would he want to go in the slave/master relationship, and ask yourself if you would imagine yourself to go as far as well. For example if any pain is involved, etc. If you would after a while go into that kind of play, you would have to develop some code – perhaps a word – which would be a signal to stop any activity at the moment when one partner would not feel comfortable.
Remember – sex is fun only as long as both partners enjoy it – and in any kind of sexual play partners always should feel absolutely, totally comfortable with what is happening.

I don’t think that he is a control freak – otherwise he would just demand that kind of activity while having sex with you instead of telling you about his desires like he does. However, I would be watchful – if sex is just a part of your conversations or it is the main topic If you would have a suspicion that he is a sex addict – well that’s another whole issue, which you would have to consider very carefully. Take your time to get to know him first.

I’ve never been in a relationship like that but, although I don’t accept controlling men in life, and I am in every other aspect very independent from my partners, at the same time I like men who are taking lead and are dominant during sexual play, for as long as they are finely tuned to my desires, so I think that kind of activity might be fun, if done with respect, care and trust, and for as long as both partners would enjoy it, themselves and each other.

August 26, 2006
4:40 pm
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Worried_Dad
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I think of the BDSM culture as another sexual minority--a surprisingly large minority. The mainstream of that culture is completely about consensual, mutually enjoyable play.

I had some interest from a woman who was really into it--wanted to be dominated, etc. I couldn't brng myself to move to an intimate relationship there--it just wasn't me, and seemed like too much work. I am not going to learn the boyscout knot tying manual at this stage in life.

I think you just have to really be into it and enjoy it for it to work for you.

Experimentation is fine, if you want to see what you may or may not like. Just remember that you have the right to say "no" to anything. And anyone who does not respect your right to say no is a dangerous person.

August 26, 2006
5:06 pm
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gracenotes
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gracenotes,

I would be very careful. I used to joke about handcuffs in a fun way. Then, one day, I was in one of those stores that sell all that kind of equipment. It really looked scarey to me. Big handcuffs, things with points on them. Looked like big league stuff to me. Certainly not the toy handcuffs that you see in the toy aisle. I had no sense of humor about any of this ever since.

So, maybe go check out some of this equipment and see what you think.

August 26, 2006
7:51 pm
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Shaney
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Honestly, I have several friends who are into bondage... for play, for work, and for film. And out of all of them, I don't know one who has a normal relationship. It seems when you go THAT far for pleasure, it's never enough. It always escalates, and eventually someone gets hurt... physically or emotionally (and usually that's what is intented... which isn't quite "right" in itself). Another concern is that I would never attempt this sort of relationship with someone that I didn't know extremely well. Especially someone that I've only met once, in person. The one thing that I can say about my friends who are into this sort of thing, is that they play it pretty safe. Either they know the person extremely well, or they know someone who knows that person. I'm not a prude by any means, and have dressed up and attended fetish events with these crazy friends of mine. But in the end, I prefer a calm, loving relationship, with the occasional furry handcuffs if it comes to that. Just be smart, and safe.

August 26, 2006
7:58 pm
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loverbee
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I think it also depends on what you are doing. I mean, when I experimented because after four years we wanted to spice things up, we bought a little paddle and some hand-cuffs and a little dominatrix outfit for me and that was it. I think it is when it goes to extremes that it gets bad. Plus, we do so much other stuff too. We actually made a jar of eachothers sexual fantasies and twice a month we have to pick one out of the jar and act them out. But I am rambling now. My point is, if it goes farther than just some fun, and it is turning it into the two of you strangling eachother then you may have a problem. But if it is just a few kinky outfits and some new positions and dirty talk, then it seems pretty harmless. You have to figure out why he needs that now too. I mean, if the relationship is new, that should be exciting enough or in other words, he should understand that you need to be feeling totally trusting and comfortable with him before you can do that.

August 26, 2006
8:53 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Exactly. You play it safe with any new guy.

August 26, 2006
9:11 pm
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loverbee
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good to know a lot of us are on the same page here.

August 27, 2006
9:49 pm
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penny lane
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Great Advice from all of you...thank you...I was surprised by this information and quite frankly, felt it was too soon...the only reason he would introduce that now is to tell me this is a LIFESTYLE for him...an intriqual part of his sexuality.

I emailed him today and told him I believed we were on different tracks...I am interested in a relationship not an ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE...because he lives in another state...I would always wonder if this desire to use his "bag of toys" as he puts it...can be an ongoing meeting with others of the same desires...it came too soon in our conversations...I almost feel like I was brought along ...or seduced by his intimate emails right from the beginning ..and ultimately brought to this information..

Tonight I feel bad about this and hurt ...I was hoping that we could begin something...he led me to believe that was possible.

August 27, 2006
10:04 pm
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Shaney
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Oh penny lane, I'm sorry you're hurt over this but it's understandable. I think you're being smart about this though. Just think if you would have getten deeper into this relationship? The feelings of doubt, hurt, and probably trust issues would have been even worse. You asked the right questions, saw the red flags, and are making the right decision. Be proud of that! It may sting a little now, but imagine that heartache that you're sparing yourself! This guy wasn't for you. Saying the right things to hook you, aren't necessarily the things that are going to keep you. You sound like you have too much substance for this man. You expect more, and will find it. Keep that radar fine tuned... you're doing a good job.

August 27, 2006
10:33 pm
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penny lane
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Shaney...thank you for your kind words..I do have too much substance for this guy ...but I am ashamed of myself for not seeing this earlier with the emails...this seduction...I am sad that I feel so needy for a relationship that I would entertain the idea of being with someone who has this style of expressing his sexuality...dont get me wrong...I am enjoyed the conversstion and frankly thought about it...but in review I felt hugely uncomfortable about this and oddly enough, in the beginning of our emails, I began to feel obsessed with him...huge red flag for me...but I pushed on...but i am learning...when people enter my life that are not good for me...and there are alot of them out there...I am not going as far and am listening to my inner self talk.....thank you again Shaney for helping me feel better about my decision...and the boundry that I made

August 27, 2006
10:37 pm
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Shaney
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No prob. We ALL get sucked in... but your success is that you were only partially sucked in. There's nothing to feel ashamed about (PLEASE), because there's nothing wrong with "thinking" about it, and digging a little further. Your gut finally spoke to you, you listened, and that's all that matters. No time lost, no harm done. Just a lesson learned. Time to move on!

August 29, 2006
10:27 am
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Notsure
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I agree that if the "scene" is not for you then it is time to move on. Be happy that he shared his sexual needs early enough so that you can move on with minimal negative impact. Think if you had had a full blown relationship of a couple of years and this was suddenly srpung on you. Then what.

There is nothing wrong in my opinion with a little kink in your life as long as the 2 people are willing/interested. For some though it is a lifestyle in other words they want and/or need it as part of their sexuality.

There are several good books on the topic if you are ever interested in furthering your understanding of this aspect of sexuality including Dr. G. Brame's "Different Loving" (yes she holds a doctorate) Jay Wiseman's "SM 101")and another book entitled "Spare the Roses, Send me the Thorns".

Hope this helps.

Regards. Notsure

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