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Boarderline?
August 3, 2009
12:43 pm
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Patterns
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I would like suggestions from anyone who may have suffered from boarderline personality disorder. A friend who works in the Mental Health proffesion recently suggested I see someone as I am may have a problem with this disorder.
This started two weeks ago after returning from an extended vacation.
I have been seeing a wonderful woman for over a year now. We had sex early on in the relationship, then I became afraid of the closeness like I have been doing the past 20 years, I backed off, told her I did not love her, and that we should just be friends. Here it is a year later, we have not had sex since that time but have continued to hang out and have fun.
There was another woman I have known for a while whom I met up with when I got back from this trip. We got along great and I wanted to start seeing her. I told my friend again that I needed to be friends with her and that was all I could give her.
I did not tell her about the other woman. As we sent email back and forth she said she needed some answers about why I suddenly blew her off when I got back from this trip.
I don't want to write a book here but my concern is that I hurt this woman very deeply and now I am involve with another woman. My friend in the medical field told me I was following a pattern that seemed to be common with my behavior. After I thought about everything I have to agree with her and have decided to seek a counselor and try to resolve this. Thoughts or comments would be appreciated.

August 3, 2009
12:58 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Having been involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder and a Narcissist I applaud you for admitting you may have a problem with this. I would end the relationship with the new woman. I would be honest with her and tell her I had had some things pointed out to me about myself and I wanted to check it out without involving her or her feelings any deeper. I would start no contact with both of these women. You cannot be in a realtionship right now if you are screwed up.

Bitsy

August 3, 2009
6:33 pm
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Patterns
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Thanks for your input. You are correct in saying I can not be in a relationship if I am screwd up, and I do believe I am in the relationship department. I have set up an appoinment to talk to a therapist. I do believe I can fix what is broke inside me. Thanks again for your input.

August 3, 2009
7:13 pm
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castoff
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Dialectical behavioral therapy is most beneficial for BPD. I would recommend you browse this web site and read Stop Walking on eggshells. bpdcentral.com is also a good place to browse. http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/

August 4, 2009
5:07 am
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soofoo
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Patterns,
You may just have intimacy issues. Going to a counselor is a great idea.

August 4, 2009
8:54 am
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Patterns
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Thank you castoff and soofoo. I read stuff all the time about problems I think may be related to my behavior. I have never been diagnosed with anything but I do know I have intimacy problems. That's been an issue for me for a long time.
I have finally went so far as to hurt someone very dear to me and I don't even know the reasons why I did it. It sounds like a cop out but when I look back at the way things transpired it makes no sense to me. I can not answer her questions as to why I did what I did. I feel ashamed and weak.
I know the therapy will help me but the damage has been done and I can not make anything right about it. Saying I'm sorry isn't enough. I feel terrible about all this but I can't keep beating myself up or I will just go into a depression and withdrawl if I do.

August 4, 2009
10:50 am
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MsGuided
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Hi Patterns and Welcome!

BPD isn't a death sentence or a condition that should prevent you from having relationships. Commitment is the problem.

Having BPD could mean many things. It can be severe and delve into abusive behaviours or it can prevent you from bonding with others.

If you tend to switch off after intimacy with women it may be linked to abandonment episodes from your family of origin when you were very young. It's subconcious and you may not have an inkling of why or how?

You can look up BPD on the internet to gain insight but here is what i C&P'd from Wikipedia :

"Studies suggest that individuals with BPD tend to experience frequent, strong and long-lasting states of aversive tension, often triggered by perceived rejection, being alone or perceived failure.[20] Individuals with BPD may show lability (changeability) between anger and anxiety or between depression and anxiety[21] and temperamental sensitivity to emotive stimuli.[22]

The negative emotional states particularly associated with BPD have been grouped into four categories: extreme feelings in general; feelings of destructiveness or self-destructiveness; feelings of fragmentation or lack of identity; and feelings of victimization.[23]

Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone. Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative. Impulsive behaviors are common, including alcohol or drug abuse, unsafe sex, gambling and recklessness in general.[24] Attachment studies suggest individuals with BPD, while being high in intimacy- or novelty-seeking, can be hyper-alert[19] to signs of rejection or not being valued and tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied patterns in relationships.[25] They tend to view the world generally as dangerous and malevolent, and themselves as powerless, vulnerable, unacceptable and unsure in self-identity.[19]""

I can relate to ytour predicament.

I am Borderline, BPD, experience ambivalence and avoidance toward others in social situations. I went through a stage of Hyper alertness and gravitated to Narcissists.

BPD are two sides of the same coin. Usually if you are attracted to a Narcissist you have the ambivalent or victim side of BPD. The instinctive thing is to complete yourself so you seek someone who is the opposite. BOTH are not well.

Having BPD doesn't mean you are a Narcissist, sociopath or psychopath!

All of BPD features are fear based and some of us choose passive ( withdrawing ) behaviours rather than aggressive ( pursuant and opportunistic)

If you had a childhood filled with rejection, abandonemnt or abuse from your caregivers it's a good indication you may suffer from BPD.....But you CAN learn what your triggers are, where they come from and be cured!

The relationships you have now don't necessarily determine the future if you get therapy and go through the cognitive exercises.

Once you get into therapy, learn about yourself, you may be less likely to abandon others.

I did it! I'm not totally cured( i struggle with depression) but am doing much better in my relationships and life.

It's not easy but you can learn to cope, treat yourself and others better.

Be Well!

August 4, 2009
1:33 pm
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Thank you so much MsGuided. I have recently learned about BPD and I have not been diagnosed with it. But, from what I am reading it looks like I may be suffering from a form of it.
I do get involved in relationships and then become afraid for what ever reason so I do somthing to end it. I usually act foolishly and the woman ends up leaving.
The last relationship I was in I set things up so I would not have to make a committment. I met someone else and got involved. So, being that I set it up and didn't have the comittment I felt justified. When things fell apart and I see the pain I caused the woman I was with it broke my heart and I have not been well since.
I think I need to cut things off with the new woman because she doesn't need to be caught up in my baggage. So, now the fear of being alone hits me. What a mess I have made of myself and my friends.
Next Monday is my first thearpy session so hopefully I can start to solve some of this.
Thanks again for your input, it was very informative.

August 4, 2009
5:04 pm
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MsGuided
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Patterns.

Having a conscience is a VERY good sign.

At least you are recognizing something is wrong.

I hope you have a good therapist and this is the beginning of getting better. ;0)

August 5, 2009
9:56 am
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Of the 3 B-cluster personality disorders, I have read that Borderline Personality Disorder is the most "treatable," whereas narcissism and anti-social are nearly impossible to treat. I dated (and nearly married) a man with BPD. He did better,while in therapy. However, when therapy became "painful," he bailed out and that ended that. It is really important to do the work of recovery.

If you do, you WILL recover and can resume fairly normal relationships because your coping skills and relationship skills will be much closer to normal and much more manageable.

- Ma Strong

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