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Bitterness and vitriol
November 6, 2002
2:42 pm
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Cici
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I'm an old oldie, like mossrose was. She helped me out back in 1999 when I first came here, and she was Tears, and we cried and hugged together. I've seen this site change, grow and develop.

But ya know what? There is a clique. I am sorry that I denied it so vehementaly before.

I am not a tribal sister.

November 6, 2002
3:04 pm
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Cici
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I bummed and I know why. I was going to say - I don't know. But I do. It's like the way my life has been. I don't want to let go and say my goodbyes. But what else can I do? What else??

It makes me sad. One day I'll find like minds, I guess. One day I'll find a place where I can be accepted unequivocably and without restraint. I get so tired of fighting, of wanting people to like me, of not understanding what the hell is wrong with me. Why do people find me off putting? Why am I mostly invisible? Why am I talking out of my ass.

In a way, this place was great. It was like writing in a journal that would actually respond to you. It made me feel like I had friends, even though you never saw me or anything - because I shared so much, you knew me. You knew me more than anyone in my real life ever will.

Thing is, I have always been an outsider, a loner, a person who is so faint, the sketch of an outline, a person who fails frequently to love herself and can't seem to find the ways that other people love her. But I wanted something different. I wanted to be better, happier, more social, prettier. But I'm not. forever wishing that I was something else, never happy with what I am.

November 6, 2002
3:09 pm
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site coordinator
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GOD YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL CICI.

I can't see you, but you are!!

TRUST, yourself. TRUST, in life.

You have everything you need, at every moment, don't ever doubt or forget that. You're okay!

November 6, 2002
3:20 pm
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Cici
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My thanks to you SC, for looking and seeing the faint blip on your radar, SC. I appreciate your input. It's a self-induced torment, and I'll work out the kink. It's like having a muscle spasm. First you're like, "OW OW OW OW OW! What the hell is that?"

Then you're like, "OH, it's a muscle spasm. Gotta work it out."

Then you work it out and it hurts but in the end everything is ok.

Funny how the most intensely painful hangups come out in little peeps - the really bad problems are the ones that people mention on an aside, because it hurts just to touch it.

November 6, 2002
3:24 pm
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tracylyn
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Cici~

You are way stronger than you think. Just go back and read some of your own posts....you are amazing to me and such an inspiration.

You are sooooo a tribal sister....I think you started the whole tribal dance thing with Ladeska, I've only been here a short time but I felt like we all bonded and that tribal dance we did just came to life in my mind. It was heartfelt. And talking to our uterus'...OMG, I loved that, you were too funny.

You do fit in here, you are accepted here and yes, I consider those that I bonded with as friends. Far off friends that I may one day have the change to meet. Until that day, I can dream of you all.

I wish you the best of everything Cici!

Be well

November 6, 2002
4:08 pm
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Cici
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Oh no I'm not leaving yet. Just mulling and thinking. Like it took me forever to decided to stop smoking pot. I dither about, wondering, obsessing, questioning my own motives and stuff like that. I'm not saying I'm outta here, just processing some emotion that I can't identify. I'd rather process than repress, har har har

November 6, 2002
4:26 pm
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artist
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Cici--
damn, I take a vacation and LOOK what happens--EVERYONE leaves--not fair.
Please Cici, this too shall pass.
Pass the vitriol and vermouth--make mine a double.

OK, I'm joking--probably not what you need
--I guess I need to remind you how VALUABLE you are--you have more than a head made of straw on your shoulders, my girl and ANYONE with any sense knows it!!
Ignore anyone that doesn't--they'll come around some day--but you don't have to wait for them, ya know--there are PLENTY of people out here who appreciate you--focus on them--and I can see you just FINE from the cheap seats--INVISIBLE?--my buttocks!!

Love ya--Artist:)

November 6, 2002
4:46 pm
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artist
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I did forget to add that part of the perks of being in a large tribe is the ability and the right to pull a Crocodile Dundee--go "walk about" if you must--but no matter what you'll ALWAYS be a part of the whole.

Love ya--Artist 🙂

November 6, 2002
5:08 pm
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Cici
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I WISH I could go on walkabout. I've always wanted to. I'm a Roots Daughter at heart, even without the ganja (though I plan to be a crochety 70 year old who smokes weed - by then, you've earned it!).

I guess what is most distressing is - the ties that bind. I don't like being bound, yet I feel bound to this site. When I leave I feel it tugging at me, (REMEMBER ME????), and it gets to me. I would love to be able to shrug eloquently and say, whatever.

People say, if you don't like what you see, then leave - but how can I leave behind my love? My crutch? My tonic? MMmph.

November 6, 2002
6:32 pm
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Anonymous
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CiCi I don't really know you but you sound like you are doing good to me, just getting your feelings out is doing the work. Yes this site is kind of like a journal for me also maybe not as much now as when I first came here but from what I can tell you are very loved here and just remember the grass is greener on the other side but it takes more water.

November 6, 2002
7:24 pm
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jwt
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Cici: You scared me for a second. I know what you mean about this site being a journal. And, I must admit that I also understand that it is a crutch too. It is one of the first things I look at when I sit down at the computer. But, it wouldn't be worth very much without intelligent and caring people like you who post here.

I guess I never considered that you had problems too ... duh. You always seemed so strong and really insightful. And, you always seemed to spend most of your efforts trying to help others.

I am a 40-something guy who wouldn't have a clue about the "tribe." But, I do know that many of us share the same feelings about letting go and fitting in. I even went through the same internal debate when I gave up pot not that long ago. Btw, I kind of like the idea of passing a joint around the sunroom at the nursing home. I think it would make the whole experience a lot more pleasant.

I'm glad you are going to stay for a while.

November 6, 2002
9:44 pm
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Squeezles
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Ahh Cici, I know I'm merely a sticky spot on the side of the fridge in the scheme of your life, but I likes ya :o) You have great insight, you're caring and you have a bit of spunk. Actually, I like you because the way you express yourself (words/phrases you use) remind me a lot like a really good friend of mine. She's dead now. Well I don't know that really - she apparently 'wanted' me and got a little pissy when she found out I wasn't a lesbian, so she stopped talking to me, so I guess it's the same thing really. All seemed to be a bit dramatic, but that was her choice not mine. But oh well, *shrug*. Shit happens. I guess you just gotta be careful you notice it before you step into it :o) I still miss her though and reading your words kinda takes me back *smiles*.

Anyway, stay cool. Self doubt is a killer, I know, but you have nothing to worry about :o)

November 7, 2002
11:13 am
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Cici
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ha ha, jwt - my Dad's 73 and I keep thinking when I see him umpteen trillion pills he has to take, I bet he'd feel a lot better if he took a toke. I mean, he's terminally ill anyway so all it would do is make the end of his roller coaster ride "smooth sailin'". A new law - weed is legal for those age 70 and older, har har har.

Everyone's mind plays tricks on them. Trying to draw you deeper into the web of self-deceit that many of us live by. The function of our life is just to work and consume. Just close your eyes and shut your ears and march to your doom. If you don't want to just work and consume, then you don't fit in.

Always trying to fit in, this one is. She was desperate for it as a youth, and angrily rebelling against it as a teenager. Now, post drug use, settled in life, job, marriage, starting family - I am suddenly realizing that those things I put off dealing with with drugs, well, they're back with a vengence, to haunt me and my dreams.

No one is ever there, I know. You have a destination, some hope, some ultimate goal of mental stability for yourself. But as the gypsies say, perfection is death. You get to the end, well, it really is the end. So, why not sit back and enjoy the ride? It's bumpy. I keep getting thrown out of my freakin seat. I just want to sit there and be quiet. Put on my blinders and sip some pinot grigio and make nice with the other people on the ride.

For those of us who choose to pursue personal growth, we have an itch that can never be scratched. A need or want that can never be satisfied. We have a fire under our asses to discover - not more about the myriad things in the external world, but the labrynthine internal processes that make each of us as individual as snowflakes. What would we be, if not seekers? The problem, the rub, is finding out what exactly it is that you seek. Peace? Prosperity? resolution? Love? Happiness?

November 7, 2002
1:07 pm
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tracylyn
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Cici~

Your words are incredible.....

November 7, 2002
1:57 pm
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gypsygirl
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I have always felt like an outsider. Even here. even within my own family. I think differently, dress act and raise my son different. I have always been the girl at school that was cornered on the playground by a gang of girls and teased till I cried. Even at all of my places of employment, I was picked on and was treated mean. I still hurt from it, but I keep picking up my pieces and reassembling them. I am a bit of a loner now, i have two confidants, booker and this site. I can't even go into a store without being deathly afraid that I will be horribly treated by someone for no apparent reason.

I am always on the defense now and that is what i project out, so people pick up on that and assume I don't like them so they get on the defense and my whole pattern repeats itself. I am now the cause of people treating me bad, when that is what i was afraid of all along.

I have accepted that I am "different" and I have my own views on the world. I have quit trying to fit in. anyway...

Please don't leave Cici, we love you here. I respect your words, they come from a great mind.

November 7, 2002
4:35 pm
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Cici
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Yah, I'm too addicted to leave. I talk too much, ha ha ha. I love ya, gypsy. You're beeeeeautiful, and Angel is like a doll he's so, well, pretty? Is that the right word? He's too young to be handsome, I guess. Gotta go through puberty first, hee hee.

Being an outsider is an exquisite anguish. A pain, yet a pride. To be able to stand alone, and have the eyes of an observer. You have the privilege of knowing, from an early age, that all we have is all we are. Just us. No one will look out for you but you.

I remember crouching under a jungel gym on the playground while kids circled me and spat on the ground and chanted taunts at me. They had chased me there, I think. And I sat under the jungle gym, safe for the moment, wringing my little 10 year old hands, not crying but wondering why - what is it about me, an odor, a look, a cringe? They are like animals picking at me. I thought, like a woolf pack that chases out the sick ones. I'm too dysfunctional to work. The barbarism of little children. Maybe that's why I dislike other people's children. I see this evil core of meanness. No angelic simplicity or beauty in all little beings. Just, empty, cruel eyes.

I still don't like teenagers, haw haw. They intimidate me.

There's an episode of the Simpsons where Homer finds out he has a crayon lodged in his brain and they remove it, resulting in his IQ shooting up 50 points. He discovers that life is depressing and painful without the crayon so he gets Moe to shove it back in there.

Now I have a running joke with my best friend who lives in Austin that we want the crayon back in our noses!

I'm thinking about moving to Austin. Love the scenery and the music scene over there. Not that it matters, I'll be a misfit until I die.

I see these Emo-punk kids now, with died hair and tats, barely 18 and "rebelling" - makes me chuckle. The greatest rebel is the intellectual rebel. The one who thinks for themself unapologetically. I think for myself. I have to find a way to stop apologizing for it.

November 10, 2002
5:57 pm
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UK Polly
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Cici, glad you're addicted to this site. So am I and it's because of people like you and Blondie, Mossrose, Molly, Gingerleigh and all the others who have offered their time, wisdom, anecdotes , love, compassion and support.

I'm sorry to see you saying you're not a tribal sister and I'd like to challenge you on that on sometime. In fact, do it online - I'm uktribalsister on yahoo and msn messenger and I'm around some of the time each day - you can guess I take it quite seriously from my nick!

November 11, 2002
12:08 am
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Jadedragon
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Always on the outside, Like observing a fish bowl. Man I thought that would end after 18, BUT NO, it continues, I don't think I am any better than anyone else, Just that I see things in different ways. Never have been part of the CROWD.Can be tough to take. The teases little girl, yeah, was me too. Cruelty. I know it first hand. It does "damage" some way, in WHAT way I am not sure. But it does. I am stronger for it, I don't care what others think, but at the same time, I want to know WHY they think and act the way they do. What is the motivation? Any ideas?

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