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bitter and hurt
August 29, 2001
12:26 pm
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moonglow
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The person I am in a relationship with has done many things that hurt me both physically and mentally in the past. Though he has changed and is very loving now, I can't help but feel resentful and bitter about it. Sometimes I want to end our relationship, but I love him and want to make things work. How can I get over our past and move forward?

August 29, 2001
1:14 pm
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Ladeska
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Question....how necessary is it for you to be able to trust the person you love?

August 29, 2001
5:58 pm
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Molly
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Some things we aren't supposed to get over. it is easy to say we forgive but we do not forget, like putting our hand in the fire and getting burned, the pain is the reminder not to put our hand in the fire.

If this is not a marriage, and their are not children to consider, and yada yada yada, my question is WHY?

August 29, 2001
6:34 pm
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Ladeska
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...yeah well....I remember a few things I "learned" in some bad relationships...that I didn't like guns aimed at my head....that I didn't like someone lying to my face and telling me it's raining...not being able to sleep, eat or think because of all the stress...oh yes, fond remembrances....of "learning"..takes my breath away every time I let my memory serve it up...

But the kicker is - we only really learn if we don't repeat it.

Otherwise, it's a sick addiction that spells someone doing the pee-pee dance over and over and over again because they don't know how to freaking RUN!!!!

It's great and wonderful to sit and contemplate how one's navel got there and to measure the depth, and breadth and heighth of how much pain can we really handle until the little hairs start bulging out of our noses from all the blood pressure. I mean we can do that.....just isn't advisable.

Playing in traffic is fun, too, can probably pick up alot of information about cars, license plates, different kinds of oil on the road, how hot asphalt gets in 100 deg. weather, how far your tennies will take you in a skid on wet pavement, etc.... but the life span of such a risk taker is rather.... "short".

August 29, 2001
8:14 pm
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damaged
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join the crowed!!

August 30, 2001
12:30 pm
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moonglow
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We are married, and yes, it is very necessary for me to be able to trust him. I don't think I do completely. I am not afraid of being alone, but it is scary to just start over and live a whole other life. When we first met I fell so deeply in love. He was a gentleman and we felt very comfortable around each other. He's my best friend and I feel I can talk to him about anything. However, when he drinks he turns into a big jerk. That's we he gets violent. The last time this happened I called the police, but he just bailed himself out. I left him, but after a week I just let him sweet talk his way back to me. He promised not to drink again and he hasn't. He's going to start some counseling classed soon so I hope that will help. I feel very confused, I want to stay, yet I want to go. I want to be happy, but I don't know what makes me happy. I want to feel confident again about myself and the decisions I make. I think he took that away.

August 30, 2001
12:38 pm
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Ladeska
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He didn't take it away....you gave it to him. That is your whole responsibility to yourself in this. You have a part in this, too. You gave him the right to do this to you. And you are enabling him if you keep cycling with him.

You need to get into Alnon for people that live with alcoholics. Will help you tremendously. And, you guys might have to live apart - separated until he figures this out and either does it or doesn't. But, you need to have your peace of mind and not be a walking target and enabler.

So, if you love him - be tough with him and love you in the process by having boundaries. If you don't - then you might as well be drinking, too. Same difference. So, make up your mind what you want and get out of denial about your part in this.

He's to blame for some things here, but you are to blame for allowing him to abuse you, too. So, take responsibility here. And then do something about it. There is no gray matter here, no fence you can sit on. If you let things go status quo and let him meander around - you are consenting to all this.

He won't budge until life is too unbearable for him. That's the life of an alcoholic. So, you might have to turn up the heat. And - you just need to make a strong barrier that says - not going to let you even flirt with hurting me anymore. You either go about doing what you need to do - or I'm gone. If you can't do that - you're life is going to be one miserable hell.

And "you" need to do something about - you that has nothing to do with him. You are where you are with him because of your own stuff that has nothing to do with him. I would definitely advise separation for awhile - with you two getting together now and then and being friends - but working independently on your own stuff. Otherwise, you're going to sabotage each other, suck each other dry, blame each other and go nowhere. That's my two cents....just seen this happen too many times where it all spirals downward and no one has the balls to make a stand..and mean it.

Love is tough. If it's not - it isn't love in the first place.

August 30, 2001
12:40 pm
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Molly
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I learned that they don't take, we give, and then give more, and then wonder why we feel so empty and spent.
Dealing with an alcoholic is not easy. Try going to a few alanon meetings to see if you get some clarity. its his drinking problem, but your the one who continues to make allowances for the elephant in the living room. That is an old saying about living with an alcoholic.
You are the only one who can draw the boundry lines with the drinking intolorance. the drinking masks the frustration he is having with what ever the pain is that he is avoiding, and it comes out when the brain is numb, in rage. Its very, unfortunately very common. Any alanon, or CODA program sould give you support, and information to help you deal with this situation.

August 30, 2001
12:53 pm
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moonglow
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Ladeska, tell me more about your experience in this type of situation. Where you also married to someone like this? We've only been married for a short time and I'm still in my early 20's so I feel I shouldn't be tied down right now. I never imagined I be married at my age, I planned on marrying after I finished college and had a career going. But I met my husband and everything just happened in a whirlwind.

August 30, 2001
1:18 pm
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moonglow
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August 30, 2001
1:39 pm
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Ladeska
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Well, my experience is varied. I've known people like this that I was very close to, was married to a man that had a drug problem, only stayed married for one month. Thought he wanted help, had everything going for him, said he wanted to stop, but unfortunately - was only trying to con me. Didn't work.

But, this kind of behavior isn't just found in people who drink or do drugs. People who don't take responsibilitiy for their lives - are all across the board from every walk of life - with every addiction known to man. The bottomline is - you have to responsible "for you" and in your own best interests.

This is your life, your skin that you have to live in and the consequences that you could suffer now from - no boundaries will haunt you for the rest of your life. I used to be like you - was young, beat around the bush, did the dance, tried to fix people, blah, blah. But, after many years of just observing me and other people - that's a bunch of crap any way you slice it or dice it.

I don't care how much someone whines about their "condition" and how freaking sorry they are that they just messed up, yada. If someone is sorry - they DO something about it, they don't blubber in their cornflakes. And I don't hold anyone's hand through that anymore. I'd be doing them a disservice. I'll support them, be their cheerleader even - but they hold their own hand to the steering wheel and they learn how to comfort themselves for the most part - by instituting action that comes from their own gut - not from me trying to be Mother Mary over here. Forget that noise, not into it.

So be careful what your little ears hear and believe. Actions are the only thing you should believe and those need to be consistent ones and that takes time. Time for you to observe that and I suggest distance in doing it.

Being needed by someone that is obviously into abusing you - isn't cool. He's got a long road ahead of him and I dare say - it won't be easy and chances are real good - he won't walk it. People true colors come out with under the influence. I've seen that time and again.

If I were you, just my opinion...if it were me...I'd be gone so fast it would make his head spin. Not to be mean or anything like that - but because my time, my heart, my life is more valuable that this. If you stay and play - he'd better be pure gold because if he's not - you can kiss the next decade of your life goodbye. If you're not with him, you'll be recovering from him. They have no shame....they enjoy the fact that you are miserable, too, regardless of what they may tell you.

Sometimes, we just have to be strong enough - to also walk away instead of patting ourselves on the back for being soooo strong by staying....

He has to make his choices and you need to make yours. Make yours - by being Pro-You. And you owe no one an explanation, excuse or justification for that. It's none of their business. If you don't fight for you - no one else will and after him - there will be another scavanger at your door going - can have a chunk out of your life, too. So, make the change in life early, put the sign on the door that says - I'm very picky about what gets close to me - be forewarned and be worthy or don't knock.

August 30, 2001
5:49 pm
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kgirl
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I suggest you talk to a counselor at
a women's shelter and get some info
on domestic violence. Or visit some
websites on domestic violence. You
might be in an abusive relationship
and you need to find out before it
gets worse.

September 6, 2001
8:52 am
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sash
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this isn't a easy situation, the trust must be there

September 6, 2001
4:05 pm
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pam g fu
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I am in a similar situation. I am married and my husband has a cocaine addition and along with that drinks to all hours of the morning, Ladeska has alot of good thoughts regarding both of our situations and it takes wanting to fix you and quit worrying about fixing him. You need to turn the channel from your husband and turn the channel to you. This is something that I also have to do myself. I have been to hell and back with this one and we have only been married 2 years in August. Mine went through a treatment program from September of last year through February of this year and on March 15th was right back on it again, thinking that he could that without me knowing. We both deserve to be happy and respect ourselves.

September 6, 2001
5:20 pm
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Ladeska
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Pam....I was married to a man with a cocaine problem. We were only married for one month. He hid it from me right up until we married. Then I tried to help him, help himself. But, it didn't take me long to see where that one was going. I just don't believe in that thing anymore about really bending over backwards for someone in this regard. I think it hurts them, keeps them from really "getting it". I really do. The sooner they hit the brick wall going about 120 mph, back up and hit again about 10 times - the better.... Let them feel it all, get out of the way and hope it hurts them.

The sooner they get to the point of realizing - this "thing" will kill them - the better. And then is when you come to that golden moment of how much they really value their life and then how much they value yours and whatever children are involved. People that gamble in this way - usually don't care much about any of that. They pick a slow death. We think they choose it close to when they die, but actually - they choose it in the beginning....

The bottomline is - it's not our responsibility to teach them. Life will teach, if we will get out of the way and stay out of the way and take care of our own lives and those of our children.

September 7, 2001
9:33 am
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sexy miss ireland
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been there done that. the best advice i can give you is to dump him and move on with other people.if he makes you feel like this, then feck him.there are more fish in the sea ans ya just havent looked in enough of fresh waters yet!

September 7, 2001
2:10 pm
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pam g fu
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I know ya'll are right, but you know when you reach a certain age you feel like you are unmarketable. I will be 50 in December and I must admit I am not as attractive as I was 4 years ago, and I know it isn't what is on the outside by what is in our hearts, but I have allowed my spouse to tear down this and keep me at this level to where I believe no one will want me. I use to be a very strong person and I have allowed myself to weaken in this relationship, why I don't know.

September 20, 2001
12:44 pm
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moonglow
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I left him a few weeks ago. He hadn't had a drink for three months. I was happy about that, but one night he comes home about two hours late from work and smells like alcohol. I was furious, so I left. I don't like being around him when he's intoxicated. He had promised me that he would never drink again. Yeah, right. He tried contacting me, but I refused to speak to him. After four days that we were apart I had a moment of weakness and called him. Big mistake! After hearing him cry like a baby on the phone and say that he was sorry and would never do it again, blah, blah, blah, I felt sorry for him. I went back to him after a few weeks. I feel like such an idiot, but now I don't believe a word he says until I see some effort from him. My decision to go back was because we are married and I really want it to work. I read the bible for some guidance and read about how a women should stand by her husband and leave him only if he's been unfaithful. I think marriages should last forever. I really hope my husband is true to his word because I'm pretty tired of his crap and won't tolerate it anymore. He knows that. He's been a real sweetheart since I've been back, let's see how long it lasts.

September 20, 2001
1:01 pm
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Ladeska
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He's an alcoholic and if his stimulation always comes from "you" regarding him quitting and being a good boy - then prepare yourself to be momma for a very long time. The stimulation needs to come from "him" and be about him and his own life, not about what he might be losing in security or comfort from you. Alcoholics don't want to be alone, they are the ultimate crybaby. Good luck to you.

And as far as the bible goes.....being unfaithful can mean having the bottle as a mistress. There is more than one way to live a spouse or to be unfaithful....

So, does that mean that if he beat the hell out of you every night and molested the children that you weren't allowed by God to leave his sorry a**? This just amazes me that people will actually think this. The Bible says I can't do this, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, do what you want - but the God I know - doesn't want you to put up with crap.

Bottom line - take care of "you".

September 20, 2001
1:09 pm
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Molly
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Don't get comfortable. I gave my guy over 18 months, and within weeks the writing was on the wall. Even when they quit the substance, there is way so much ingrained behavior to be addressed. I have been back for as long as we were appart in the name of saving this marriage, and although there are some good times, it just makes you wonder if its worth it. It is a roller coaster ride. part of my mates problems is that he is diabetic, and that is worse than cocaine or alcohol, the poor guy can eat a potatoe and get wierd. Worse than a speed freak, or cocain abuser, the ups and downs of the personality. I can't make him exercise, or monitor his diet, or make him take medication. If he hasn't fathered your kids, I would really think long and hard if the reconcilliation process doesn't show concrete promise after a set time.

September 21, 2001
10:58 am
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moonglow
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Thanks for the advice. Everyone's feedback has really helped me feel a little more empowered. I know I'm in charge of my life and only I can make decisions regarding it.

September 26, 2001
1:37 pm
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moonglow
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Let me know what you think about this. Monday night I had two different dreams about my husband being killed. In the first dream everyone around me was telling me he was dead because of an accident and I kept saying "I know, I know" as if it didn't bother me. After I was left alone t hit me and I began crying. In the second dream he was murdered and I was crying when I saw him all bloody. Then, last might I had another dream he was dead but I didn't know how he had died. I was at my mother's house and just very sad.

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