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BITE ME!!!
May 15, 2007
2:53 am
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foolfoolfool
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Once bitten, twice shy... so the saying goes...

I was "bitten" numerous times by my ex, yet i just kept hanging in there hoping she'd change & see the errors of her ways. After 4 years of being cheated on & lied to i decided to see the "errors" of MY ways & that was, that as long as i gave her another chance i was enabling her to keep hurting me.

Its been 6 weeks since i saw her last. I told her not to contact me. She is currently living in another relationship but sends me emails & texts saying she is "changing"! She is NOW realising the errors of her ways & is desperate to be the sort of person i always wanted her to be. She writes things about her progress & how things could have been so different for us had she "seen the light" before we split...

I begged her in a text msg to STOP HURTING ME. I feel completely ROBBED of 4 years & NOW she gets it???

She tells me she doesnt want to be in the relationship shes in & ultimately wants to be with me (when she feels confident that she wont hurt me again) YET she still lives with the other woman because she has no other alternatives at this time. (((BULLSHIT!!!))) If I was in "love" with someone & wanted to show them i am serious about getting them back i would live ANYWHERE BUT where the object of my affection would feel untrusting of me.

SHE IS FULL OF SHIT!!!!!! GRRRRRRRR It makes me SO angry! Why? Because i WANT to believe her. I MISS the good times SO much my heart just about stops beating. I have been SO tempted to ask her to come and make love to me. I MISS her touch!!! I MISS her smile, I MISS the way she LOVES ME.

MAN i am SCREWED UP!

So far so good, these thoughts have remained in MY mind only (& now in this thread). I know that just one tiny slip up of me indicating any of these feelings and im back to square one... allowing her to manipulate me into an affair with her instead of a REAL one on one relationship.

I am SO glad for this site. i HAD to get it out. I CANT tell any of my friends they would have me commited!

Fool-sometimes.

May 15, 2007
6:38 am
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nvr2late
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you are NOT a fool..unfortunately you have hit the nail on the head of what I JUST said to my ex-h when he came around last week...

same story..he has a new g/f...not happy in in...but is ''on the fence'!

I told him..FALL ON HER SIDE OF THE FENCE! Because..if you really wanted your family back, you would fight for it.

so, it is a good thing for you to keep this stuff to yourself and vent here!!!
like you said..do not allow her to keep hurting you.

you are not screwed up..you have feeling that just don''t die in a few days...weeks..or even months.

I don't know about you..but I am NOT getting into a relationship just to BE with someone...especially if I did not want to be in the relationship.
that is ODD ODD behavior to me.

so, this is NOT you.
and I don't have a sign on my head that just because I have not gotten into a relationship does not mean...you can come around and talk to me like that.

now, I told him..'I have loved you since 6th grade..so it will not just be something that goes away quickly..but I will get over it.'

you have history with her...as do I with my ex.
that is not something I throw away that easily...but when I feel like he is suckin me back in...
I remember all the things he has done to me...and blamed on me...and taken from me.
that helps.

and yes...do not settle for less than a partner that takes into account your feelings.
and 'changing' does not mean having a relationship with someone else.

I don't know if I am rambling..but I truly understand what you are going through..and how things that our ex's say can throw us off track.

that is why I chose no contact...
unless about the kids...(for myself) because it is easier NOT to hear that crap for me and get sucked in YET again!!!!

stay strong, you are doing great!!!

nvr

May 15, 2007
7:14 am
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Robert123
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I didn't realize there are so many similarities and struggles in same-sex relationships. Your ex sounds like she is having a difficult time of it. At least now you are more aware of how she pulls your strings.

May 15, 2007
7:23 am
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Thanks nvr

I think my biggest struggle at the moment is that im REALLY missing the intimacy. I know that sounds pretty shallow but we had an amazing sex life and were EXTREMELY comfortable in each others arms. Sometimes we would just lay for hours wide awake just holding each other... I guess im hitting the nail on the head hey? It was COMFORTABLE. Im co dependant im missing the comfort, the physical comfort & am blocking the emotional pain.... even the pain was comfortable because i knew it would end in physical comfort.

I dont want to live LONGING for her. I just cant seem to stop crying. I waited 37 years to find her, i never bothered getting into a relationship before her because i was waiting for the "right one", now im 41 and i feel so BROKEN. So bamboozled, untrusting & actually quite shocked that this has happened to me. I considered myself a very fair, considerate, kind person and the sad, angry empty person i have become from my experiences with love & co dependency & her cheating lying ways has left me unable to find clarity about ANYTHING that is going on in my life. I can hardly do my job, be a functioning loving mother to my teenage daughter, be a fun to be around friend or even take the time to shave my legs. I am totally consumed and SCARED that "this" is how my life forever will be.

I know today is just a shit of a day and hopefully "this too shall pass"

fool be gone.

May 15, 2007
8:15 am
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risingfromtheashes
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dear not a fool,

my best friends mom is a lesbian.

and before I met my friend, his mom was in a long term relationship with another woman...who she THOUGHT was her soulmate...the woman died of cancer and her slow death was agonizing.

my friend's mom NEVER thought she would find another partner...she felt she was robbed, cuz the person she loved the most was taken from her.

well, it's been a good number of years and this woman grew a very thick skin and got very angry with the world...very unhappy and very pessimistic.

Personally, I couldn't see how she would ever allow anyone to love her again.

Well, 18 months ago, she met a wonderful woman...and it was a rocky start...and probably because she was so cold andd closed off to any possibilities...but still, it had a chance.

I have watched as this cold, careless, jaded woman evolved into a sweet, loving sensitive woman. A woman I NEVER saw ever...even her kids say it.

This new woman has totally changed her...and made us ALL realize that even in her last relationship...she wasn't really happy and it wasn't it all cracked up to be.

THIS is the real thing...they are loving and tender towards eachother...there are no power struggles...there are no games...there is no control issues. It turns out her previous partner was fairly controlling, dominant and very unaffectionate.

NOW you can see the difference.

I am 35....so, this woman is old enough to be my mom.

If she can have a second chance, I believe you can too.

Also know that I think that as women get older, they get more comfortable with their sexuality...so you may have BETTER chances of finding a stable, loving relationship...the kind you are longing for.

I have faith...and hope...I'll send it to you!

May 15, 2007
8:52 am
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nvr2late
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yes, and you are not a fool...
I do not think that the issues are any different in a same-sex relationship...as in anyother type.
we are all dealing with 'people' and there are always issues dealing with people...

man or woman, there are manipulators...controllers...co-dependents...

but as rising said...at this point in your life, as in mine...I do not see where I could give myself to someone and not have that pulling of the past be there.
but that does not mean it will not happen.

and I chose not to turn into a bitter, negative person and non-trusting.
that gives my ex all the power in my life.

I just focus on me..and my kids...you need to also, your teenager needs an 'all together' mother. do not let someone take that away from you...

you will regret it later on down the line!!!

you are doing great!

nvr

May 15, 2007
1:36 pm
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glittered when he walked
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ff,

screwed up? naw...just human, that's all. to be any other way would be so unaffected as to be arguably inhuman, eh?

Jeez, i admire your strength for not caving. well done!

May 15, 2007
7:53 pm
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nvr2late
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I agree with glittered...you are HUMAN...you have FEELINGS..that is not wrong!!!

and for not caving..good job.

and I LOVE the title of this thread...I looked at it because I always say that in a playful way!

so, I had to see what it was about...I am glad I did!!!

nvr

May 16, 2007
9:00 am
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foolfoolfool
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I thank you all again. I wake up in the morning weak & vunerable & turn on the computer to see your words of wisdom. I hold that strength with me throughout the day. When i almost cave & go to send a msg or call i remember the things that you tell me & i restrain myself til i can get back to my computer again.

She emailed me tonight with a list of things she has had a change in attitude about... ie her "core beliefs"... She now says fidelity & honesty are important to her blah blah blah... yet she STILL lives with another woman & STILL emails & msges me behind HER back suggesting when she finally ends it with the other woman that we can be together again...

So do you know what i did???

I plucked up every bit of courage i could muster & told myself i will NEVER "be" with her AGAIN & i msged her to say... "I have met someone & i think its getting serious so i would prefer it if you would stop emailing & msging me as i find it inappropriate. I prefer to have authentic & honest relationships & i find your contact with me to be awkward when trying to explain to my new gf why we still have contact at all let alone of such an intimate nature."
Then she had the hide to msg back saying she wished me well BUT if i ever wanted to give her another go to just call... CRAZY BITCH!!!!

I, of course am NOT seeing anyone else. The thought of getting into another relationship at this time scares the crap out of me. But i did think that this was one way of getting her to STOP contacting me.... and HOPEFULLY HURTING HER at the same time. I just once want her to be filled will angst at the thought of me being intimate with someone else... But i doubt that she feels a thing! anyhow, it made ME feel good!

Smart fool.

May 16, 2007
9:51 am
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risingfromtheashes
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Not a fool,

I hope your message was truly a way of getting her to stop, and not your way of opening up convo with her.

At this point, no contact is best...don't keep "engaging" with her.

Silence is the BEST weapon...it leaves her wondering what you are up to and why you won't talk to her.

I know it feels good to hurt her, but in the end, it could bite you in the ass...so be careful.

Going forward, no contact, total silence, without fanfare, is the best route to take.

I have been in your shoes...the longer you engage with her, the longer she'll try to keep her foot in the door.

YOU know the truth...no need to explain it to her....YOU know she has no intentions of being faithful....you don't have to explain to her that you know it.

May 16, 2007
12:21 pm
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delguy
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May 16, 2007
12:29 pm
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delguy
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Hi,
new on here. Well this hit the nail on the head. Thanks. I am in a same-sex relationship with a bi-sexual addict for 17 years. 11 of those years we lived together. There was physical abuse ect. He left over a woman (talk about a fence sitter)6 years ago. Woman is long gone. meanwhile I have been going to Al-anon, ACOA (both parents were alchoholics) purchased my first home. We are still "together". He has a kid that is like my kid. He continues to have money problems, in and out of recovery, has basically stayed stuck. Now the woman stuff is coming up again, and I am truly sick of it, and feel worthless for putting up with it. My home AL-anon group is great support, have a great therapist, but haven't gotten up the courage to tell him, get off the fence. But having my own place makes all the difference. That is mine! Thanks for listening.

May 17, 2007
6:47 am
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nvr2late
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well..
Delguy..it is funny...it seems like everyone of these people is 'on the fence' what is THAT about???
if they have to be ON THE FENCE...then I don't want to be the choice of the day.

when my ex said that recently..I said..'fall on HER side of the fence'.
we all deserve someone that LOVES us and is not confused about us.

maybe it is their cop out...thinking they can have the best of both worlds.

fool...
yes, I have been there with the 'new relationship..please leave me alone..' because sometimes that is easier than saying what you mean..
and actually 'closing' door..which is hard!!!!

just try to not engage...it is SO tough and yes, reading these messages in the morning carries me throughout the day.

I am glad you found a place where you can listen and talk without telling the 'wrong' person and she is thinking it opens a door.

you will get there..it takes time

nvr

May 17, 2007
10:25 am
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delguy
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May 17, 2007
10:34 am
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delguy
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Hi NVR,
Thanks for your reply. This is a great site, it supplements the group I go to, and other self-care stuff that is essential. The great thing is I no longer live with him. That was hell at the end, I felt like I was being held hostage. AND then he left! Didn't want me to, but he did! I quickly moved out of a 2 br apt., temporairly lived in a 1 br, and within 9 months, saved enough money to buy a condo. But I am tired of the "fence" him having no money, same probelms, same addictions, ect.
Like I said his kid is like mine, and that plays a large part. I still have feelings for him, but sick of him not being present and "fence sitting". Also a lot of people on here have said a lot of them (bi-sexuals) choose the straight lifestyle with someone on the side. I definitely won't do that. I have built enough self-esteem not to even entertain that thought. I want him to be fully present and responsible. But since it hasn't happened in 17 years, I have my doubts, LOL. It also effects my self-esteem to have to deal with all of this and the negativity, but one day at a time.
Thanks for listening.

May 17, 2007
2:47 pm
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nvr2late
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wow..that is awesome..mine ending was A LOT like that...feeling hostage...and hell at the end..until HE had ME kicked out (idiot)...I hit bottom..and within a year (YEAR) I had built a new house.

in which he tried to get from me during the divorce...
but, I am SO much calmer and SO much more present in my life and my kids lives.

and yes, the FENCE sitting SUCKS
and yes, same problems...he lost his job...and still drinks..
so when he hits bottom..like he made ME do...

I will not be pulled down with him...God must have been waiting for the divorce to be over..because 6 months after a 2.7 year divorce was final...he lost his job and now has mortgaged himself to the HILT...

maybe this is his 'life' wake up call..

we only live once...it is truly nice to live abuse free lately!!

nvr

May 17, 2007
3:30 pm
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nappy
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If these peoples that are in your lives is not doing you any good. It is truly a time to let go.

If you have wasted so much of your time and years with a problems that you truly know is not going away because you have done all that you can, it is truly time to let go.

What use to get me upset, is the time that I wasted on a person or problems that I knew wasn't any good. I don't care how much you do for that person or problem if things haven't change, then it is truly time to let go.

I value my time and my mind because I don't want to waste another minute on someone that is not doing me any good.

And this fence thing, I will tell them that if they are on the fence, then let me help them to get off, because then I will give them a push.
Nappy!

May 18, 2007
9:42 am
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delguy
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Thanks NVR and thanks Nappy for your input and support. After reading some of the threads on here, I see how lucky I am. We live in seperate residences, have seperate bank accounts. In no way am I mixed up in his addiction and craziness, financially. He is a disaster with money. Last night I let him know this stuff with the women can't continue. Not only is it degrading to me, but insulting. He was recovering from a hangover, had drank half a bottle of Southern Comfort so he could sleep, as he put it, the night before. He is a binger, off and then on. But he seemed genuinely shocked that I am sick of him running around. I am taking this one step at a time, and will know when it is time for action. 17 years is a long time, but when I read some of the experiences on here, it gives me strength. I know I am not alone. NVR, yeah I can relate to feeling like a hostage. I am just glad I have MY condo.It isn't like when we lived together. He was there last night, I saw him. But he went home. But the kid is the thing. He is getting older, so seeing him isn't as tied up with his Dad. I have an excellent relationship with the child's mother, and she thinks the world of me. Thanks.

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